Array
(
[text] =>

Spencer’s P.O.V.

                Billy was right. We were leaving early. I understood it was a six and a half hour drive but leaving at five seemed a little extreme.

                We got into Roger’s car (Aunt Niccole’s boyfriend lent us his truck because it was going to be a tight fit with all of us in her car). I didn’t say anything to my grandparent or Aunt Niccole before we left. I was still angry and disgusted by their lie. Billy just sighed and gave an apologetic look whenever I nodded in response to one of their questions. I was frustrated that he was too blind to see their obvious lie, but it wasn’t his fault. I had to keep reminding myself of that.

                The car was silent. Grandpa was driving which made Aunt Niccole, Billy, and I nervous in the back. Grandma was in the passenger seat, quietly humming to herself. It was unusual to see them not talking amongst themselves. A trickle of doubt seeped through my mind that they may be telling the truth but I quickly discarded that absurd idea. My faith was too strong to be taken down by such doubt. Billy readjusted himself so that he was in my arms. Minutes later, I heard his snores, signaling that he drifted to sleep. That noise resounded peace within me and I quickly fell asleep.

                Much to my displeasure, only an hour had passed since I fell asleep. Billy was still fast asleep in my arms. Seeing the innocent look on his sleeping face made me smile. I couldn’t wait for my mom to meet him. She would adore him. If only this car would go faster. I sighed in frustration and looked out the window. Startled, I realized this route was familiar. It was the same route, I had taken. My stomach clenched in uneasy fear. I had pushed those memories, along with those of my father’s, deep down. Now they were back up, clearly as if they were yesterday. A frown was deeply implanted on my face. That part of my life should have been erased. It shouldn’t have been brought up so easily. I squeezed Billy’s hand that I must have found in my slumber. I closed my eyes and tried to block out those memories.

                I had come so far since making the journey to here. I learned to trust someone, actually multiple people. I was deeply in love with Billy. My life was a hundred per cent different. I actually had a future now. In Gulf Hills, it was too difficult to imagine but in Ripley, the world seemed to be in the palm of my hands. Now, I seemed to have taken a step forward and twenty steps back. I felt like that same scared, little kid again. My nerves were on edge, almost as in fear of my dad or the police catching me. I hadn’t realized I felt that way before because it was all I had ever known but now that I knew life could be different it seemed worse. I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself.

“Spencer, are you okay?” Aunt Niccole asked, looking over at me worried. I nodded, forgetting my earlier anger. I closed back my eyes, looking for my earlier peace. It never came. The ride seemed to take an eternity. My only escapes were when I fell asleep but that only lasted for ten minutes or so. Billy slept the whole time, lucky for him.

                I saw roughly about where I slept some nights. I saw the city that I stayed the night in. I shuddered, thinking about that night. I wondered if Billy would have thought differently of me if I told him about what I did that night. He probably would which is why I will never tell him. I wasn’t that guy anymore, I kept telling myself. I felt like I was trying to convince myself of that because now I wasn’t so sure.

“Spencer, is there a good place to stop around here?” Grandpa asked, as we got closer. I thought about it for a moment briefly.

“There’s a good diner on the outskirts of here.” I said. I didn’t know why I just told him to go to that diner. Carl might be there. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see him if he was. Grandpa nodded and I gave him directions to where it was. When Grandpa pulled in the parking lot, I woke up Billy.

“Babe, wake up.” I whispered, gently.

“Mm…Are we there yet?” He asked, his eyes fluttering open and close.

“No, it’s not too far away but we are stopping to get something to eat.” I explained.

“Mkay.” He whispered, sleepily. We uncoiled from around each other and got out of the car. He reached for my hand, instinctively. I was hesitant in giving him my hand. People down here didn’t react too well to people like us.

“Billy.” I said, warningly.

“Love, it will be alright. They won’t do anything to us.” Billy said, confidently. I bit my lip and let him hold my hand. We walked in the diner, Billy more proud than I was. Mary, the same waitress, greeted us. I saw instantly that she remembered who I was.

“Hi, y’all. A booth or table?” She asked, not taking her eyes off of me.

“A table will do just fine.” Grandma said, not noticing the intense staring I was getting from the waitress. Mary nodded and took us to a table. As we walked across the small diner, my eyes searched for Carl. He wasn’t there. For a moment, I felt strangely sad. Maybe, he found somewhere to be happy at last. I hoped so.

                We quickly ordered and ate. Words were seldom spoken between us. The diner like the car had a thick, gloomy cloud over us. After the check was paid, we left but first I had to do something.

“Excuse me, ma’am?” I said to Mary, who was bent over washing a table. Her eyes were wide when she saw who was talking to her.

“Yes?” She asked, crossing her arms.

“Do you know where Carl is?” I asked, knowing it was a long shot.

“He skipped town about four months ago.” She said, crossly.

“Oh, well thank you.” I said, frowning slightly. She didn’t say anything. She just turned around and went back to washing the table. I walked to the door where Billy was waiting for me. He smiled at me and took my hand. With a weak smile, I walked out to the truck with him. Too quickly it seemed that we were in Gulf Hills.

“This is where you lived?” Billy asked, looking out the window. He didn’t sound shocked or surprised. He just looked like he was taking in information.

“Yeah.” I said, looking to see what he was seeing. All I saw was my past. I saw all these memories. Some were happy and some were downright miserable. The happy ones involved my mom.  The bad ones involved my dad, church, and bullies. The baseball field was a mixture. Happy ones were when we won. The bad ones involved losing and my dad. If we lost he would beat me. Sometimes, he wouldn’t wait til we got home. He would take me behind the shed where nobody else was and take care of me there. School was all just one bad memory. So was basically the rest of town.

“A lady named Mrs. White called and told us about your mother. Can you give us instructions to her house? We are going to go down there after we go to the cemetery.”

“The cemetery?” I asked, confused.  Why are we going to the cemetery? Why weren’t we going to see my mom? Our house was on the other side of town.

“Yes, Spencer, The cemetery.” Grandma sighed. Her voice was shaky. I gave directions, deciding to humor them. The cemetery was dark and drab. Most of the stones were wearing away and unreadable. Then we got to the area where the nearer headstones were. After a while I stopped walking, and everybody else, but Billy went up ahead.

“There it is.” I heard Aunt Niccole whisper. She knelt a headstone and started crying. Grandpa and Grandma stood around her shaking body. One hand on each of her shoulders. I just stared at them. To me they were crying at some random headstone. It wasn’t my mother’s. She was just on the other side of town. A five minute car drive. A twenty minute walk. Easy enough. Billy put his hand on my shoulder, gauging my reaction.

“I’m fine.” I said, truthfully. He nodded, looking like he didn’t believe me. “I just want to see my mom.” He looked at me confused.

“She is on the other side of town. I don’t know why we are wasting our time here.” I told him. Billy grabbed my hand and took me over to the headstone. There it read:

                                                Lisa Cade

                                          Loving Wife

                                April 21, 1976-December 3, 2012

My breath hitched. There it was. My mother’s information. Well almost all of it. It didn’t say she was a mother. My mother. My mother was dead. Gone. No, she couldn’t be. Clearly she was. It was there right in front of me. Who would go through all this trouble with a fake headstone? That would be cruel. This was cruel. She was only thirty-six years old. She didn’t get to see my graduate. She didn’t get to meet my Billy. She would never meet her grandkids. It was true. The last she would ever see of me was some runaway fag. I was a disappointment. No, no, no.

It wasn’t fair. My dad, a disgraceful excuse for a human got to live, and she died. How did God think that was fair? It wasn’t.

I didn’t realize I was on the ground, crying until Billy knelt down next to me. He pulled me into his arms. I shoved my face into his chest, not wanting to accept this truth. The truth that was staring at me all along.

“Billy.” I cried.

“Shh…baby I know.” He quieted me, stroking my hair. “I love you so much.”  The words repeated over and over like a beautifully broken record.

[text_hash] => 73fd926c
)