Array
(
[text] =>

This chapter is dedicated to @hemwinning for being the first person to comment on my story. Thank you for your comment and I hope you continue to enjoy the story!

If you notice any spelling or grammatical errors please let me know so I can fix them.

Also, don't forget to vote and/or comment if you enjoy. I'd really appreciate that! - Vanessa.

***

Things had been going well for Ashton and Luke's relationship in the past week. Sometimes Michael's words would find their way into his thoughts but he found it easy to ignore when he was with Luke. He didn't think it was possible but it seemed with each day he cared about Luke more and more and he couldn't imagine not having him in his life.

Ashton couldn't help but notice, however, that Luke hadn't kissed him. The last and first time had been the day after he'd arrived at university and he didn't understand why. He was nervous to ask Luke about it and he didn't know if he had the guts to initiate the kiss himself.

He tried to ignore the thoughts in his mind telling him that the reason Luke wouldn't kiss him was because he didn't want to. Perhaps he no longer wanted to be with Ashton or somehow found him repulsive. Maybe he didn't care for Ashton anymore and was looking for a way to break up. Maybe he was cheating on him with Aleisha.

Ashton desperately tried to ignore these thoughts but they only seemed to increase. As Ashton sat on his bed attempting to go through his textbooks, his mind kept wondering back to possible reasons Luke may not want to kiss him. He tried to ignore the dream he had last night which involved Luke breaking up with him to be with Aleisha because he was tired of Ashton. The dream made his skin crawl and he wanted nothing more than to forget it.

He was supposed to meet up with Luke soon and later the two would meet up with Michael and Calum but he wasn't sure he wanted to. He knew that when he overthought things he ended up putting himself into a panicked state. He'd overreact and become deaf to reason and possibly say things he'd regret. It's easy to think of his flaws before hand and tell himself he wont do those things but when a situation arises he forgets about it all and does the very things he hates about himself.

A soft knock at the door made Ashton jump a little but he knew it was Luke and sighed because he could already feel himself getting fidgety over the situation.

"You going to get that, Blindy?" Brad asked from where he was sitting on the bed. Ashton just nodded and assumed he could see before getting up to answer the door.

Luke greeted Ashton with a hug and although he loved Luke's hugs because he felt warm encased in Luke's broad shoulders and his vanilla cologne made Ashton's eyes flutter closed at the overpowering scent, he couldn't help but think about how Luke wouldn't kiss him.

They intertwined their hands, heading off in the direction of the library while Ashton's other hand holding the cane helped his direction. Luke was talking about how annoying his brothers were yesterday when he called home and although Ashton loved hearing him talk he couldn't ignore the nagging at the back of his mind saying that Luke was clearly with him out of obligation or something because why would he not kiss him?

The only time Ashton had ever kissed someone was his first kiss with Luke. Maybe he'd been so terrible that Luke didn't want to kiss him anymore.

"Hey Ash, are you okay?" Luke asked, perhaps noticing that Ashton was more quiet than usual. Ashton mentally shook his thoughts away and turned in Luke's direction to give him his most convincing smile.

"Course, Lukey," Ashton said brightly, hopefully not too brightly, however, because Luke would probably just think he was weird.

"Are you sure?" Luke asked suspiciously but Ashton just nodded eagerly again because he wasn't sure he should, or even wanted to approach the topic of what was on his mind.

Ashton could hear when they arrived at the library due to the tranquil air and light conversation that Ashton had to strain to hear. He enjoyed the peaceful environment of the library and he hoped he would be able to get some work done today because Luke often distracts him with mindless conversation and music or even tickling him which could get them kicked out the library so he hopes Luke wont try it today.

They found a seat further in and Ashton pulled out his textbook because the only homework he had was a test to study for so he opted for reading through his textbook today.

He was a few pages into his textbook when Luke's phone went off. Usually he would ignore it but after Luke excused himself for a second and he heard Luke answer the phone as he stood up, greeting Aleisha, Ashton felt a churning in his stomach.

He couldn't hear the rest of the conversation as Luke had strayed too far but he hated the way he felt just knowing Luke was talking to her right now. All he could think about was how Luke obviously didn't want to be with him and why wouldn't he answer the phone in front of Ashton? Clearly they were talking about something that he didn't want Ashton to know about.

It was a gruelling 10 minutes or so before Luke returned and the entire time Ashton spent analysing every detail and thought. He knew in the back of his mind that he was probably overreacting but he couldn't bring himself to see reason when he was just so upset and insecure about the whole thing. Why would Luke want to be with him when there was so obviously a better choice available? The better choice being Aleisha, or anyone at this point really.

Luke sat back down and continued doing whatever it was he occupied his time with and Ashton was growing increasingly scared and upset.

"Ash, what's wrong? Are you alright?" Luke said worriedly, probably feeling Ashton's emotions or finally noticing he wasn't reading but simply had his head slightly lowered.

Ashton shifted a little nervously, not knowing whether to ignore the feeling of dread or confront Luke about it. He had never been the best at expressing himself or saying the right thing so he knew he should think before he spoke but before his mind could catch up with his mouth he was already starting.

"Who called?" He asked, voice falsely calm.

"What?" Luke asked, clearly not expecting the conversation to head in this direction.

"I asked who called," Ashton repeated, a hint of hostility behind his words he hoped Luke wouldn't pick up on because he didn't mean to sound that way.

"No one really," Luke said nonchalantly and Ashton's grip on his textbook tightened. Now Luke was lying? Why would he lie if he didn't feel the need to hide something? Ashton's thoughts raced a million miles an hour and he was unable to stop imaging worst case scenarios.

"Why?" Luke asked casually and Ashton wanted to jump on him and slap him but he also wanted to kiss him and he felt confused.

"Why are you lying?" Ashton whispered, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Ashton, what the fuck are you going on about?" Luke said, clearly getting frustrated at Ashton's vague and confusing questions and answers. It made him angry that Luke was upset with him when Ashton was the one entitled to be angry.

"Aleisha called you, why did you lie?" Ashton said, raising his voice a little and pushing his glasses up his nose a little out of nervous habit.

"I didn't lie, I said no one really because I didn't think it was important. What's gotten into you?" Luke said, clearly trying hard not to shout. Ashton could feel his frustration and nerves piling up, however, and he couldn't bring himself to stop.

"Why did she call?"

"Honestly, Ashton? I really don't think that's any of your business," Luke said coldly and Ashton flinched a little at the tone of his voice.

"I don't see why you wouldn't tell me unless you're hiding something, Luke. I don't understand why you can't tell me," Ashton muttered, trying to keep his voice lowered and trying to hide how upset Luke's responses were making him.

"Jesus Christ, Ashton! It was just a conversation between two friends. Aleisha is my friend, we're allowed to fucking talk every now and then. What the hell is wrong with you?"

Ashton's cheeks flushed as the library went quiet, the silence almost palpable and ringing from Luke's booming voice.

"If you don't want to be with me anymore just tell me, Luke!" Ashton whispered harshly.

"Ashton," Luke sighed heavily, sounding exhausted with the conversation, "I never said I didn't want to be with you. I love being with you when you're not going fucking psycho on me. I'm not breaking up with you, I just want you to stop pushing me away for one goddamn minute," Luke spat out.

"Then why won't you kiss me," Ashton whispered so softly he would be surprised if Luke even heard him in the first place, eyes welling with tears.

"Ash-"

"I should go, Luke," Ashton whispered, packing his bag hastily with trembling fingers.

"Fuck, Ash. Don't go!" Luke whispered frustrated, despite the entire library probably already staring at them.

Ashton sniffled as he walked out the library as fast as he could without tripping. He knew Luke would be following him after he'd packed up himself so he rushed with practiced ease to the café that he loved that none of the other guys went to or knew that he liked going there. He knew he could have a moment to himself. He made sure to go into the crowd so Luke wouldn't spot him and although it made it difficult to walk he didn't want Luke to find him so he dealt with it.

Ashton groaned when he sat down at his usual table. He pulled his glasses off and rubbed his eyes in frustration. He knew he was being completely unreasonable shouting at Luke and attempting to control him. He knew to some degree that Luke must want to be with him because he obviously wouldn't have told him he wanted to date if he didn't. It just didn't make sense to him why Luke would want to be with someone like him.

For nine years Ashton didn't have a single person who wanted to be friends and even before then his only friend had been Michael. He was so used to being unwanted that the possibly of someone as incredible as Luke actually wanting him seemed so foreign and disbelieving.

Ashton was probably the least experienced person in relationships. Only having one friendship and zero other relationships besides family, he wasn't sure what to do. He felt as though he was always questioning everything he did and it was so tiring.

He just felt that maybe Luke was playing a joke on him. Maybe he was still with Aleisha and they were in on it together. Maybe Michael and Calum were too. It wouldn't be the first time he trusted people who didn't deserve his trust and he's still living with the consequences of that to this day.

He knew that was why he didn't trust people, couldn't really. It always came back to that. It made him so angry because he wanted to be with Luke without questioning everything. He just wanted a normal relationship but he didn't know if that was possible. Not for him at least.

He didn't know if he'd ever stop feeling so completely undeserving of kindness or love and it made him want to cry out in complete disarray and distress.

Luke called him psychotic and he didn't blame him to be honest. He was so damn psychotic and completely stupid. He always overreacts he's just such a burden and it makes him want to cry.

Ashton assumed he'd been in the café for about an hour when he decided he should probably just go to his dorm. A nap sounded good after so many exhausting and conflicting emotions. He felt around his bag for his phone but sighed when he couldn't find it and knew he probably left it in the dorm. He could feel Luke was worried about him and decided to call him and apologise when he got back to the dorm because he hated fighting with Luke. He hoped Luke wouldn't be too angry with him and would forgive him. He wouldn't even mind if they never kissed for the entirety of their relationship for whatever reason as long as he was with Luke.

He got up, stumbling a little over the leg of the chair, before heading out and saying goodbye to the owner of the café. He was on his way to the dorm, albeit a little slow with his cane in hand, when he heard Harry calling him. He turned to face the direction of his voice, a little confused because he sounded worried.

"Harry?" Ashton called out.

"There you are! Luke was looking for you, looked a little frantic to be honest," Harry said hurriedly. Ashton sighed, running a hand through his curly fringe. He felt even more guilty now and wished he'd had his phone with him because he could've at least called him earlier.

Ashton blushed when his stomach grumbled but Harry just laughed. "Hey, why don't we go get something to eat and I'll call Luke when we choose a place to meet us there?" Ashton nodded because even though he'd come from the café, the only thing he'd had was a coffee and he could do with some food if he was being honest.

After some mild arguing on where they should eat, they settled on Nandos. Ashton wasn't the biggest Nandos fan but he knew Luke liked it and since he had some serious apologising to do he hoped that if Luke was surrounded by chicken he loved he may be feeling more forgiving. They chose a corner booth seat and settled down, ordering their drinks.

"Have you called Luke yet?"

"No, I'll call him now," Harry replied and Ashton could hear him pulling out his phone and dialling the number.

"Hey Luke. Yeah I found him... No we're at Nandos," he said the last part chuckling. "Yeah he was hungry so." Ashton frowned because he was pretty sure Harry said he was hungry too and now he just made Ashton sound greedy.

"Well why would he pick Nandos if he didn't like it?" Harry asked and Ashton just sighed because now they'd decided to argue about whether or not Ashton liked Nandos.

Ashton was so lost in Harry and Luke's conversation over the phone that he almost missed it. The smell of smoke made him freeze, his body going rigid and his heart rabbiting in his chest. It's just smoke Ashton, calm down, he tried to tell himself.

"Yeah whatever, Luke. I'm just saying- Hey, Ashton? Are you okay?" Ashton could hear Harry's distant voice sound but it was lost to the sound of the fire detector. He could feel his breathing increasing to the point where the only sound he could hear was his own rapid breath and the high pitched blare of the alarm. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he flinched violently backwards. No no no this can't be happening, not again, Ashton thought.

He could hear the sound of people leaving the restaurant and everything just felt so overwhelming. The sound of panicked talking, the alarm which hurt Ashton's ears with how loud and intensified it seemed to be. The smell of smoke filling his nostrils that made it more difficult to breathe. He couldn't do it. He needed to get out because he couldn't do it. Not again.

"Listen to me, Ashton! Are you listening to me? We need to go," Harry said frantically but Ashton couldn't bring himself to move. He felt frozen in place by panic. He felt unable to breathe and function correctly, his lungs filling with the familiar feeling of smoke he'd once endured.

His body racked with coughs that ripped through his body and he curled in on himself in pain and anxiety. Before he could process what was happening, Harry had lifted Ashton into his arms. His arm under his knees and the other around his waist was keeping Ashton against his chest but Ashton felt anything but safe. He felt the thick air with smoke and he felt as though his chest was clawing at itself. He could feel Harry's chest shudder with his own coughs but Ashton couldn't process much else.

Ashton felt the moment they reached outside of the restaurant. He could feel himself hit with fresh air but he couldn't stop coughing. He opened his eyes a little without even realising he'd closed them and they burned due to the remnants of smoke making him panic further. He squirmed in Harry's grasp, his eyes burning with tears from the smoke and how utterly terrified he was. His body shuddered with coughs that made him exhausted.

He could hear the sound of sirens in the background and the frantic chatter of people but there was only one voice that stood out.

"What the fuck happened? Is he okay? Fuck, give him here!" Luke rushed out and Ashton probably would've felt relieved to hear him but he couldn't. He just kept thinking to himself how he couldn't handle this. Not again.

He felt Luke's arms replace Harry's and he thrashed violently, mind unable to process anything.

"What is he saying?" Luke asked, his grip on Ashton firm to keep him from thrashing further.

"It sounds like he's saying 'not again'. He's been saying is since the smoke detector went off," Harry mumbled.

"You're going to be okay, baby. I'm here now," Luke whispered as Ashton was overcome with more coughs.

"Why is he coughing like this?" Luke asked frantically.

"He was panicking. He just kept inhaling the smoke."

When another voice said they needed to check Ashton in the ambulance, he wiggled in Luke's grasp because he didn't know that voice and it made everything worse. Even Luke's voice saying they were only trying to help him did nothing. His breathing sped up again which made the coughs that had once subsided act up again. His eyes burned, brimming over with tears and he squeezed his eyes tight. He felt someone remove his glasses, making him flinch and thrash because his eyes were unprotected and he needed his eyes shielded. His repetition of 'not again' couldn't be controlled in between every cough. Luke's voice was lost in the panic his mind was inflicting.

Ashton felt a tinge of pain in his arm and he whimpered as he was placed down. He squirmed because Luke wasn't there anymore and he needed him, he needed security.

He began to feel drowsy, his limbs feeling exhausted and he began to drift off. "You'll be okay, baby. I promise," Luke's voice echoed before he fell unconscious.

***

"Where are we going?" Ashton asked softly, confused as he followed Rick and Brandon along the empty school corridors. "We aren't supposed to be here. The rest of the school is on the field," he tried again but they just snickered.

"You scared, Ashykins?" Rick sneered and Ashton quickly shook his head 'no' even if he was. He didn't want his only two friends to think that he was a coward.

The sound of the smoke detector rang through the empty corridors making everything seem eerie. He hated it, it gave him a bad feeing and he just wanted to be with the rest of the school safely on the field.

"You know these drills are always fake anyways. This is the third one this year alone," Brandon pointed out, more politely because even if he can be mean sometimes he was still kinder than Rick.

"Then what are we doing?" Ashton asked because if they were so sure it was just a false drill then there really was no point.

"I was telling my brother the other day how the school is always having fire drills for no reason and he dared me to check it out next time, so that's what we're doing," Rick said nonchalantly.

"What if the teachers catch us?" Ashton asked again, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt and shifting his reading glasses up his nose out of nervous habit.

"Oh my God, Ashton! Stop being so damn scared all the time. Live a little. Don't you trust us? We're your friends after all," Brandon said and Ashton swallowed loudly as the drill continued to blare and the empty corridor screamed at him to leave while he could.

"I trust you," Ashton whispered truthfully because they were his friends after all. They wouldn't let anything happen to him because friends didn't do that. Even though they'd only been friends for a few months since Michael left, he knew he could trust them.

They continued a little further down the deserted corridor when they came across a room with the door locked. It wasn't a classroom and they weren't exactly sure what the room was for but the smoke wafting under the door made them stop.

"Oh my God! It's actually a real fire," Rick said excitedly, Brandon nodding beside him. Ashton, a few steps behind them, felt an uneasy feeling in his stomach. There wasn't too much smoke coming from under the door but still enough to know that the fire was probably pretty bad.

"Guys..." Ashton said, trailing off because he wanted to leave but these were his friends, he didn't want them to hate him even if they'd been friends for a short amount of time.

"Alright," Rick said, clapping his hand together, "Ashton, I dare you to go in there for one minute."

"What?" Ashton screeched because that was probably the most stupid thing he'd ever heard.

"You heard me, since you're the scaredy-pants you should be the one to do it. It's only for a minute and we'll be right outside to let you out once time is up," Rick said brightly.

"Rick, I don't think that's such a good idea," Brandon mumbled unsurely beside him making Rick laugh.

"Wow, when did I become friends with such pansies?" Rick said coldly. "You know, Ash, I did you a favour by becoming friends with you. You were all alone after the freak left and Will was bullying you. I'm the one that defended you and I'm the one who did you the favour of being friends with you but you don't even trust me enough for one little dare. Unbelievable. Maybe we should just stop this friendship now," Rick said harshly and Ashton shook his head frantically because he couldn't lose his only two friends. He needed them even if his mom didn't like him hanging out with people two years older than him.

"I-I'll do it," Ashton whispered because he trusted them. If it was anyone else asking he would've said no and not looked back but these were his friends who he trusted completely.

"Ash, I don't think this is a good idea," Brandon said, eyes filled with panic.

"It's okay, Brandon. Just make sure to open the door after a minute. I trust you guys," Ashton said, feigning confidence when in reality he was so scared he could cry.

Rick laughed gleefully as Ashton walked towards the door, patting him on the shoulder as Brandon went on to tell Rick this was so stupid. Ashton could feel the heat radiating from the closed door and with every step it seemed far more dangerous.

"Rick-" Ashton began as he stood right in front of the door, his eyes watering from the sting of the smoke. He fully intended to tell Rick 'no', had even began to do so before Rick shoved him forward, opening the door roughly and pushing Ashton harshly inside. He fell forward, painful heat greeting him and smoke filling his lungs. He heard the door slam behind him, silencing Brandon yelling at Rick. His glasses fell off his face and his already poor vision was made worse.

He looked up and noticed the room to be a giant storeroom, wooden shelves lining the room. The fire was intense and large, spreading through the wooden shelves with ease. Ashton coughed violently where he lay on the floor, his eyes stinging and watering. He could hear the sound of glass shattering as the fire went through each shelve, nearing him. He knew if he didn't get out of the room as soon as possible he'd be screwed.

Ashton stood up shakily, turning around to face the door and banging on it with all his might as he coughed.

"Guys, open the door!" Ashton screamed, voice raspy with the strain of coughing.

He could barely hear Brandon's voice through the door, probably shouting at Rick to open up but his voice was lost with the sound of crumbling wood and shattering glass.

Ashton reached for the handle, shaking it and trying to open the door but it wouldn't work. He was confused because the guys didn't have a key and so there was no way they could lock the door. The doorknob began to shake as someone attempted to open the door from the outside but to no avail.

"Guys?" Ashton called out, eyes brimming with tears of pure terror. He'd never been so scared in his entire life.

"The door is jammed, Ash! It wont open!" He heard Brandon scream out. Ashton sobbed, coughing as tears streamed down his face.

"Where's Rick?" Ashton rasped out, struggling to breathe or even see with the amount of smoke.

"He left! I'm sorry, Ash! Don't worry though, the fire fighters are here! I can hear them!" Brandon screamed through the closed door. Ashton could hear the distant sound of the sirens and cried in relief. He'd be okay, people were going to help him.

Before Ashton knew it, there was a searing pain in his upper thigh as a piece of the shelf above him fell while burning, searing the skin on his leg. He screamed in agony, crumbling to the ground from impact and pain. He could hear Brandon screaming through the door but it was lost in the roaring of the flames that were now reaching him and his sobbing coughs. He kicked the wood remains off of himself, examining his upper thigh which was bleeding with splinters and burns.

He could barely breathe anymore, his crying and panicked breaths resulting in a heavy intake of smoke that made his vision blurry.

Ashton didn't know what happened, his vision blurred with tears and smoke as black dots filled his sight. All he heard was shattering glass and splintering and cracking wood as something hit his eyes. He screamed out, louder than he ever had in his entire life and his hands went up in vain to shield his eyes. He couldn't see, everything was black as white hot pain seared through his eyes.

He chocked on sobs and smoke before he couldn't breathe at all and he fell over, gasping for breath that wouldn't come. He could feel himself sinking into unconsciousness, pain unlike any other making him wish he was dead. He barely heard the sound of the door bursting open before he passed out completely.

***

Ashton awoke gasping, opening his eyes to complete darkness. It shouldn't have been a surprise after living in that exact darkness for nine years but it suddenly was. He hated it, hated remembering what happened when he was ten and he didn't know why he'd dreamt of it so vividly after all this time but now he couldn't seem to forget it.

He could almost hear the crackle of wood and breaking glass as the fire burst into his eyes and blinded him. He could feel the smoke thick in his lungs and the pain in his right thigh. He could feel utter terror and his breathing began to increase again at the memories of the day he wished he could take back more than anything.

"Baby, are you okay?" Ashton's breath sighed out of him in relief as he heard Luke's voice. He didn't know where he was or what was happening and he needed him to feel some sort of safety.

"Lukey?" Ashton whispered, wincing at how raspy his voice sounded.

"I'm here, I promise I'm here. How are you feeling?" Luke whispered. Ashton felt Luke's fingers carding through his hair and something press against his forehead which he made out were Luke's lips. He leaned into the touch, reaching out for Luke with his hands and gripping onto his upper arm.

"Lukey, where am I?" Ashton whimpered, closing his eyes and leaning against Luke completely. He felt Luke gently shift him over as he got into the bed he was on. He didn't know why he was in bed or where but Luke shifting him so that Ashton's head was lying on his chest, the sound of Luke's steady heartbeat in his ear, made him feel safe.

"You're in the hospital, baby. There was smoke in the kitchens at the restaurant earlier, setting off the fire alarm. You had a panic attack or something and you inhaled a bunch of smoke. The paramedics tried helping you but you were freaking out so they had to sedate you. You're okay though, you'll be fine," Luke mumbled with his lips pressed against Ashton's head as he placed soft kisses there.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Ashton but you've lost your eyesight. We're terribly sorry but there's nothing we can do. Maybe in a couple of years but even then the chances are slim. You're okay though, Ashton. You'll be fine."

Ashton squeezed his eyes shut as they filled with tears. Everything felt like that day nine years ago and he cried against Luke's chest as Luke hushed him softly telling him that it would all be fine.

"Why did you panic, Ash? What happened?" Luke said quietly, as though afraid even the slightest words would send him into a panicked state again.

"The smoke, the fire alarm, it was like it was happening all over again," Ashton cried out, voice hoarse.

"What, baby? What was happening again?" Luke urged gently.

"The fire. The reason I can't see anymore," Ashton cried, unable to continue as sobs racked his body. He curled his fingers into Luke's shirt, burying his face in his chest as his tears continued to stream relentlessly.

Luke cupped Ashton's face, lifting his head gently as he thumbed away his tears. Before Ashton knew what was happening he felt Luke struggling a little to lean forward with the position they were in but soon enough his lips pressed against Ashton's.

The kiss was gentle, so soft against his own chapped lips with the cool press of Luke's lip ring. He didn't move his lips against Ashton's but merely pressed their lips together to show him that he was there. Ashton could feel how much Luke cared about him through the bond, so much so that it seemed his heart would burst with it. Seemed as though he wouldn't be able to breathe with it.

When Luke pulled apart shortly after, Ashton shifted further up the bed and buried his face into Luke's neck as Luke leaned his head against Ashton's. He clung to Luke, draping his body over him as Luke wrapped his arm around Ashton in an iron grip that was both firm and soft making Ashton feel protected.

Luke made Ashton feel loved and safe and warm as his familiar scent of vanilla cologne and uniquely Luke filled Ashton. It seemed there was no other place on Earth he'd rather be than in Luke's arms.

[text_hash] => 461d930d
)