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Chapter 13 – The Moment

There are those times, in life, where we want to stop. We want to just put down what we are holding and freeze time. We know, in our hearts, that it can't get any better from there on out. We knew that it is only down hill from there. But we can't…we can't freeze time so we do things, we react, we respond to the situation the best way we know how.

***

Barkley's office was crowded that blustery afternoon. Peter and Ben both sat opposite their boss in wait of what he had to say. Ben eyed the clock and wanted to go home. He had a three day break and he was off ten minutes ago. When he arrived at work it the day progressed as normal, except for the fact that it was paycheck day. This added bonus, plus a three day weekend only made the end of the day all the sweeter. Ben turned his gaze back to Barkley who smiled at the two.

"You might have noticed I have been keeping my eyes on both of you lately." Barkley stated.

Ben hadn't noticed, was Barkley wondering if Peter and Ben did anything at work. They didn't, they didn't even hold hands. Romance between the two had come to a halt. Ben thought back to the time he had his breakdown and almost went down on Peter in the editing room. There weren't cameras in there, and nothing happened. Ben felt his palms sweat and looked at his boss nervously.

"There is a promotion available, and one of you would fit in the job perfectly. You see, Peter has been here longer and does have seniority, but Ben you have really fit in here. Both of you are equally qualified for the job. I will announce who get's it Monday. I just wanted both of you to know. " Barkley nodded and turned his swivel chair around. This action in itself dismissed the two.

Peter and Ben exited the office and walked to the elevator. They pressed the button and stood in silence waiting for the metal doors to slide open.

"So, we are in a competition now," Ben laughed. "Ben vs. Peter place your bets."

Peter let out a slight chuckle but it trailed off. He looked distracted by other things. They crept into the elevator and the doors shut. Peter and Ben avoided eye contact and this awkwardness crept up from seemingly nowhere.

"To be honest, I thought, he was going to say something about us being gay." Peter whispered as the buttons glowed to lower numbers showing the elevators decent.

"Me too," Ben laughed. "He wouldn't have anything on us though."

"Yeah, sometimes I forget being gay isn't a crime. It was always like that growing up." Peter watched his twisted reflection in the metal door and spotted an evident frown. "It must be nice to be out of Closet County."

"It is, try it sometime." Ben laughed. The silence engulfed them as the two lit up, they were almost to the lobby. "Are you alright?" Ben questioned.

"Fine, I just…" Peter let out a nervous chuckle. "May I kiss you? I know it's awkward, but I feel like I need to kiss you right now for real."

"Listen, it wouldn't be fair to Seth," Ben got those few words out before Peter planted his lips tight onto Ben's.

The kiss felt passionate and fiery as if saved exactly for this moment. It lasted only a few seconds but each second felt better than the last, the soft push and part of lips. Peter's hand rose to the back of Ben's head and clung it. Ben melted and didn't notice when Peter stopped.

"Are you alright Peter," Ben asked again, more concerned. "I mean, are you okay,"

"Yeah, I just wanted to make coming to work today worth it." Peter replied and walked out of the building.

***

Ben felt a gust of wind blow through the neck of his jacket as he entered his apartment complex. He knew rain would begin to pelt the ground and knew snow would follow in the coming weeks. Ben rode the elevator up and arrived at his flat he thought about Peter.

"You ready for this three day weekend," Colby jumped out of the bathroom excited. "I rented all these chick flicks and bought some chocolate bars. We are going to have the best time."

Ben felt warmth and noticed the heater had been turned on in his absence. The bill would be higher this month, but this luxury was worth it.

"You okay?" Colby questioned when Ben didn't respond.

"Yes, wow it's contagious," Ben paused then shook it off. "I was just thinking actually. You know when people are sad and they say they are okay. But, you know-you know they aren't okay." Ben replied and sat down on the couch leaving his coat on.

"No, but let's say I do understand." Colby nodded intently.

"Okay, well, today at work Peter was acting a bit strange…then he kissed me. Don't get me wrong it was a great kiss, but there was something else about it…something that I felt like the kiss wasn't about me."

"How could he have kissed you and it not be about you?" Colby inquired.

"I don't know, I just…" Ben jumped and reached into his vibrating pocket. He flipped open his cell phone and placed it to his ear. "Hello? Petunia…what's wrong? Oh gosh…yes, of course…I will be right there."

"What happened?" Colby scooted forward.

"Peter's very sick…" Ben replied his face white.

***

Ben didn't want to believe it. Petunia's voice was so convincing. Her speech was mumbled and everything felt like a train that couldn't stop. Colby went with Ben to Peter's house. The ride took forever and everything except Ben's heart was moving too slow. Ben worried he wouldn't be able to distinguish Peter's house because of all the similar ones around it. The neon colored ambulance was a dead give away.

The ambulance pulled away and Petunia sat on the steps wide eyed. Ben dashed over to her and grabbed the girl's tiny shoulders.

"Peter, what happened to Peter," Ben shook the girl and her head bobbed back and fourth her hair darting across her eyes.

"He is in the ambulance." Petunia pointed. The ambulance swerved around the corner.

"Did they say what hospital?" Ben continued to shake the girl who broke down in tears.

"St. Georges Hospital," Petunia spat out tears still streaming down her face.

"Ben stop, you're hurting her," Colby pulled Ben off the girl and grabbed hold of her in a hug, the tiny girl's arms wrapped around Colby in a hug. "Sweetie, it will be okay,"

"Watch her, I need to…go," Ben replied. He needed to see Peter, he needed to find out what happened and why.

Ben couldn't bear to look at Petunia any longer, her broken face pulled his nerves. He felt another cold blast of wind pull him down the street. A few leaves flew by and a plastic bag drifted in the distance. Ben took off running. He wouldn't stop until he found the hospital.

Ben hurried down the street the direction the ambulance disappeared. He thought he heard it in the distance but wasn't sure if it was the ambulance or the wind. His heart raced and bounced around unsure of what was to come. Ben wasn't sure if he could do it, if he could walk into a room and see Peter in a hospital bed.

"Do you know where St. Georges Hospital is?" Ben panted to a stranger.

"St. Georges is down that street over there. You turn right and it will take you all the way…but it is very far from here." The stranger stated.

Ben didn't care, he was already off. The tube stations and bus stops melted together, his goal was set and he wouldn't' stop running until he reached it. He hurried and the wind blew behind him aiding in his run and cooling down his heated legs. The chill blew through the fabric with ease.

Ben arrived at the hospital and silver lettering greeted him. Ben gasped for air as he hurried to the information desk.

"Do you know where the ER is…where they bring people from ambulances?" Ben wasn't sure if they used ER in England. All this time here and he didn't even know that. He was still a tourist in a way, he didn't belong.

The nurse pointed him the way and he hurried along. He sped down the hallway feeling faint. Then, out of the corner of his eye, Peter. Peter's skin was white and his hands shook. It was Peter, alive, okay, and in good health.

Ben noticed the shaking hands at Peter's side as he leaned against the wall oblivious to Ben's arrival.

"Peter, are you okay?" Ben asked. His fatigue disappeared at the sight of his coworker.

"No," Peter bit his lip. "He's dead, daddy's dead." Peter's tempo was short and quick. "No," Peter uttered again his hands shaking even more. "No," Peter held his hands up to his eyes to look at them jerk, out of his control.

Ben reached out and grabbed Peter's hands. They felt cold and numb against his skin. Ben's hands were hot from the run. Ben held Peter's hands still as Peter dropped to his knees on the cold hospital tiles. Ben joined Peter on the floor not letting go.

"I'm not going to let go, I won't let go, I promise." Ben whispered letting Peter know that he was here.

It hurt Ben to see Peter cry.

***

Peter and Ben arrived back at the house early the next morning. Gwen and Colby sat awake in the kitchen around cups of coffee. Petunia was asleep upstairs. Gwen and Colby knew already from an earlier phone call from Ben.

"I am so sorry," Colby ran and hugged Peter.

Gwen gave an apologetic smile.

Peter nodded, his response to the two, but didn't show much emotion. His eyes were tearstained and puffy.

"Is Petunia alright?" Peter asked.

"Yes, she is asleep, you should wait until morning. Let her get her sleep." Gwen advised.

Peter nodded solemnly and turned to Ben who still held his hand.

"I need to call the relatives, plan the funeral." Peter walked unsure on his feet to the cabinet.

"That can wait until the morning." Colby said.

"I need to keep busy; I need to keep moving…" Peter stated.

"How's daddy?" Petunia came into the kitchen. Her feet covered by pink slippers and long pajamas across her body. Petunia rubbed her eyes.

Peter looked down at his sister. How could he tell the girl who lost a mother, their mother, that their father was gone too? Peter needed to now. His father was gone and he needed to take responsibility and figure this out. It was his job to plan everything and keep his sister safe; she could grieve for the two of them.

"Petunia," Peter brought the girl into the living room, away from the kitchen. They sat down on the couch.

Ben watched Peter talk, the words were soft and Ben couldn't make them out. He watched Petunia's face break and lunge for her brother. They both cried on the couch for hours. Tired, stressed, and sad, they cried together.

***

The first guest to arrive at the Cosgrave household was their Aunt from Yatton. She made herself busy preparing food and helping Peter with the funeral arrangements. Most of the stuff was set out before hand. The church needed to be booked and a coffin picked out. The grave site was already chosen, it would be next to Peter and Petunia's mother, Penny.

Ben decided to take Peter to a funeral home where they looked at coffins. They would buy one already made and ready for use, nothing too fancy.

"You know, I was worried that my dad would never accept me for being gay." Peter stated. "I also never thought he would accept me going into the communication industry. He wanted me to be a footballer when I was young. He wanted so bad that I join some team and play professionally." Peter remembered with a small smile on his face. "I always thought of myself as such a failure in his eyes. Dell Delany, Dell was the son of his dreams. He admired Dell, wished I could have been more like Dell."

"I don't think he saw it that way," Ben tried to comfort his friend.

"You didn't know him," Peter shouted then paused. "Sorry, but you didn't. You knew him when he was sick and feeble. It's funny though," Peter stated as he observed a polished coffin. "I have trouble remembering him any other way."

"Really?" Ben stated. "Try to remember something, anything good."

"Well, this one Christmas, he bought my mum this beautiful pearl necklace. She loved it so much she was brought to tears. I remember her crying about it. I was young though, too young to really realize that they were tears of joy. He had to tell me. He would always say precious pearl though…to her…he stopped later in life, though." Peter laughed.

"See, there was something nice." Ben stated coming next to the coffin and looking at it. "This one looks nice."

"I can't," Peter paused thinking it over. "I can't remember his voice; I remember the words, but not the voice." Peter paused for a moment and closed his eyes breathing deep. He patted the coffin. "Yes, this one will do, fine."

Ben had trouble looking at Peter; he couldn't imagine the pain and seeing it in front of him hurt.

***

The funeral was that Monday and the priest came out to large rolling hills with tombstone placed all around. After the ceremony in the church the congregation moved outside under dreary skies.

"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures,he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

"Even though I walkthrough the valley of the shadow of death,I will fear no evil, for you are with me;your rod and your staff,they comfort me. You prepare a table before mein the presence of my enemies.

"You anoint my head with oil; my cup goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever." The priest read from the bible and closed the book as the coffin was lowered into the ground.

Petunia threw a flower onto the grave and Peter followed. A family dressed in black mourned behind the two children.

Peter stared at the coffin as it was slowly covered with dirt. He turned to the grave next to it. His mothers and smiled. "I'm sure you're crying tears of joy now mom, now that you two are reunited, now that you have your precious pearl back in your arms."

***

The ceremony ended and the family gathered at Peter's house to eat and chat about old times with Paul, Peter's dad. It was time to be together, to think together, and to mourn together.

"You look like him," An old man said from the couch.

"What?" Ben said and looked at the old guy.

"You look like a younger version of me, a little bit." The old man said. "My name is Ken Delany; you interviewed my son on television."

"Oh, Dell, yes I remember." Ben smiled.

Ken stood up and hobbled with a cane outside. "Join me outside for a smoke."

Ben followed the man eager to hear what he had to say.

"Paul and I were close, as close as two men could be." Ken stood up. "I don't know why I am telling you this, probably because you remind me of him. That, and I am old and I need to tell someone this story. Paul died and he told Penny, I never got to tell my wife or son."

"What story?" Ben leaned forward.

"It's not so much a story as a mark on both of our pasts. Paul and I were together, sexually."

Ben wasn't exactly sure if what he was hearing was true. The backyard was quiet and the noise and warmth from inside the house didn't reach out here. Ben recalled the time he came over to Peter's house for their first date all that time ago. Paul did call him Ken. At the time, Ben thought that Paul was just confused. Were Peter and Dell's father's more than just childhood friends, were they lovers?

"Penny found out, he would call me his precious pearl and she found out. She was in denial though, real deep. Until that Christmas he bought her that pearl necklace. Petunia's got it now, from the will. Shame she will never know the story behind it." Ken said as he finished his cigarette and threw it on the ground.

Ben let the story sit in his head. Ken returned inside, his story told.

***

Ben was called into Barkley's office early that Monday morning. Barkley stared at Ben and a smile curved on his face.

"You got the promotion," Barkley nodded.

"Really?" Ben said. He felt Peter needed it more. "Thanks, but…what about Peter. I mean, he deserves it more,"

"Yes, he does, but he didn't want it. He came in a few minutes ago and told me he is moving and can't work here any more." Barkley nodded.

"What? He did," Ben stood up. "Excuse me sir,"

Ben dashed out of the office and hurried to the elevator to see the doors shutting. Ben stuck his hand in and the doors stopped. He slid inside.

"No, you can't move, you can't just leave." Ben wanted to be selfish and keep Peter here with him.

"I need to; I am going to go live with my aunt in Yatton. I can't stay in that house anymore, neither can Petunia, we need to leave. You need to let us leave." Peter said forcefully. Ben knew there would be no objections to Peter's decision.

"He would have accepted you," Ben spat out.

"Pardon?" Peter questioned.

"Your dad," Ben said tears coming to his eyes. "Your dad would have accepted you for being gay. I know he would have…I just thought, if you're leaving I would tell you." Ben paused and looked at his shoes.

The elevator was quiet and the light showing their decent was their only measure of time left.

"When I kissed you, that day, to make it worthwhile…it was because I felt it. My dad was asleep when I left for work. I wanted, to make it count, to make not breaking down and coming to work count." Peter's voice cracked. "You made it count."

Ben looked up at Peter still facing him. The doors slid open behind him and Peter rushed out. Ben stared at the back of the elevator and heard the doors close. Ben walked to the back and grasped the brass handrail. His knees gave out beneath him and he cried as the elevator moved up, away from Peter.

***

There are those times, when time moves so fast we want to stop it. We want to stop and take a breath because we can't. We can't breathe when it is moving so fast. Life becomes a blur. We want to stop and see because we can't. We want to move but are feet aren't stable. We want to stop because we can't move. We want to stop our lives, but we can't because we have to live our lives.

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