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Chapter 12 - The Secrets We Keep

We all have those dirty little secrets. The ones we don't want people to see, the kind we hide under our mattress, in our selves, or the back of our closets. They are the secrets that when we play truth or dare, we lie on truth. Okay, it's not like I killed someone and stuffed them somewhere, but a certain sense of morality is needed. I feel like if I lose that I will lose respect, thus my secrets stay in the closet; unless, of course, I come out…of the closet.

***

"I want you to know, I chose you. I picked you. I love you. I just, want you to know that I am so thankful for you being so patient and waiting for what took me so long to see. I just wanted to say thank you…and I love you" Ben said. His eyes blinked and he stared at the person across from him. He stood in his bathroom and looked in the mirror.

"Ready for work, how is your 'deal with it' deal going?" Colby inquired leaning in the open bathroom door.

"I am dealing with the 'deal with it' deal." Ben smiled. "I'm confident, I'm empowered, and I'm Ben."

"Oh god, he is empowered," Gwen mocked and threw a hand up into the air. "Let's just go to work and make money. That's why we are here right? To live our dreams,"

"Speaking of money Gwen, I was looking through our home." Colby tried to sugarcoat it. She placed her fingertips together.

"You went through my room?" Gwen gasped brandishing her apartment key. "You touched my things."

"No, I wouldn't do that." Colby smiled, but it vanished in a second. "Natalie did. She left it out; she put all our finance information in a shoebox in a drawer. She even did the math." Colby explained pointing towards the drawer with a stack of neatly ordered magazines above it. "I don't know when that woman found the time to do these things." Colby muttered. "Anyway, I looked through it and I'm curious, because you have been getting a lot more money on your paychecks recently."

"Yeah, I got promoted to manager, what's the problem with that." Gwen frowned.

"The problem with it is you have only been bringing as much as you used to make into the house. We are all in this together and I am curious why or what you are spending the money on." Colby pointed out.

"You know what; I am not going to talk about this with you. I have too many other things I need to deal with. Plus, it's my money." Gwen turned and left.

"She is keeping something from us," Colby turned to Ben.

"I know, but what? What could Gwen want to hide from us?" Ben put his hand to his chin.

***

Ben took the tube with his friends and got off at the correct stop. The world seemed brighter today now that he had a more positive outlook. The sky shown a brilliant blue and the sun cast rays of light across London. A crisp cold covered the land, but it didn't matter to Ben. He had his jacket and his confidence that was all he needed to keep warm.

"Ben, is that you?" Barkley asked when he walked into the office. "Nice haircut, listen, I was wondering if you wanted to be on television today."

"What? Why?" Ben questioned wide eyed.

"Well, we are interviewing this actor from that teen drama Hillside, very popular right now. Your haircut is nice. You are glowing today. You've edited all the interviews; you know what it looks like." Barkley stated.

"Yes, okay, sure," Ben nodded.

"Go to hair, makeup, and wardrobe, hurry it up." Barkley shooed Ben off.

Ben ran off and got ready. He was dressed in a crisp black suit that he knew he wouldn't be able to keep. Ben felt like a million bucks, he wanted to stay like this, this happy in-between place. This place where Peter and Seth were there, but weren't there. It was a type of limbo of avoidance that Ben found comfort in.

He stepped onto the set and sat down across from a handsome man he recognized but didn't quite know. The man had a fake tan, spiked brown hair with blond highlights, and piercing blue eyes. There was a screen of questions if Ben didn't know what to ask. Ben had ten minutes to get whatever he could out of the interview. He already memorized the opening.

"Welcome back to Talk of the Town, where we follow all the latest trends, stars, and everything to do with popular culture. I'm here today with Dell Delany, that male heartthrob from Hillside. We have been following his character Leon all through sixth form. So Dell, what can we expect from Leon in this new season."

"Leon will be experiencing new changes not only moving on to Uni. but also a new love interest." Dell replied referring to his character Leon.

"Speaking of love life how is your current love life?" Ben said with excellent pronunciation.

"It's a rollercoaster, up's and down's. I am single now." Dell nodded with a boyish smile.

"Single, you know just saying that makes all the girls want you even more."

"You know, I was thinking of that, so to advertise," Dell stood up and took off his shirt.

Ben's eyes widened and he turned to the cameramen who looked as surprised. Ben shot his head back to Dell who slid off his pants revealing a small Speedo. It would be a lie to say Dell wasn't cute. Okay, he was downright hot. Ben felt his eyes burn with Dell's aurora of hotness.

"You swim?" Ben pointed out.

"What? Well, I try to work out,"

"I know someone who plays water polo, two people actually. Do you play?" Ben questioned, it was his job to question now, so he did.

"Water polo? I can't say I know it that well." Dell replied surprised Ben still continued with questions.

"Oh, I just thought, they wear Speedos' in that sport. Anyway, you would classify yourself as a wild guy right?"

Dell, caught off guard, replied. "Yeah, I am at the clubs every other night."

"And your single, whatever happened to your girlfriend?"

"She dumped me," Dell blurted out then realized what he said. "I mean, I dumped…" He blushed and sat down in his Speedo.

"Time," Called one of the cameramen.

"You, you…struck me by surprise there." Dell gulped with a nervous chuckle.

"I wasn't going to waste the whole interview on you being shirtless." Ben humored the actor and stood up.

He couldn't help but feel he wasn't enjoying the time as much as he should have. Now, he needed to edit the footage and put it with the rest of the show. Ben walked over to the table full of doughnuts and grabbed one pink frosted one.

"Ben, great job," Peter complemented his co-worker as he joined him by the table. Peter eyed the array of sweets but turned away from one temptation to another.

"Peter, is that you?" Dell inquired walking up to the man.

"Dell, hey," Peter replied and hugged the guy. "It's been far too long Dell, how's Ken?"

"Dad's fine, and your's? How's Paul?" Dell responded. It seemed natural for them to go through the motions of these questions.

"He is old, really," Peter turned away from Dell. "Talk to you later, then." Peter ended the conversation. The topic of his father was something that he evidently didn't want to discuss.

"Yeah, nice speaking with you, I need to go." Dell tried to make it seem as if he wasn't the one blown off.

Once Dell left, and Ben was halfway through his doughnut he turned to Peter.

"Oh, my mom found out I am gay," Ben informed taking another mouthful; he knew he shouldn't be eating this. He wanted the doughnut more when he didn't have it.

"Did she, and how did she respond?" Peter questioned.

"Not well, but I told her, so I officially moved out of Closet County." Ben replied with a laugh tossing the last 1/6th of his doughnut into the bin.

"Good, my house is still standing strong." Peter laughed back.

"Paul's your dad's name, I didn't know that. That's kind of cute how you're Peter, your sister is Petunia, and your father is Paul. All P's." Ben pointed out.

"Yes, my mother, Penny, really enjoyed putting P's as part of our names." Peter stated.

Ben and Peter walked out of the studio and down the hall towards the elevator. They had editing that needed to be done. Ben also needed to return the suit to wardrobe, but he would hold out on that for a while.

"Let's talk about how you know a hunk of a guy like Dell Delany," Ben brought up with a smirk.

"Childhood friends, well, that's a lie. Our dad's were friends. We were forced to be friendly with each other. Naturally, as you could tell, we were completely different people, Dell the outgoing crazy kid and me, the quite reserved one. We didn't always see eye to eye." Peter explained and pressed the elevator button.

"Yeah, parents…force kids to do the craziest things." Ben said his voice went on with a monotonous tone.

***

Ben put his jacket on and timed out. He said goodbye to the secretary. He stepped into the elevator. The music played and Ben watched the lights count down to the L and the doors slid open. He saw it coming, waiting on the bench outside. There were a few moments when Ben wanted to turn back. He could have gone around back. It was too late, he stepped out and the encounter would begin.

Ben's feet stepped faster and her voice rang out behind him. A voice that for so long was comforting, but now felt cold and displaced.

"Ben Howe," Natalie Howe, his mother, shouted running up to him. She was covered in blue cashmere with a silk green scarf draped around her neck. "Ben, don't walk away from me we need to talk."

He kept walking until she grabbed his arm and it was final, he couldn't ignore her any longer.

"Ben, we need to talk about this. Your father and I gave you so much; we gave you everything you wanted. We gave you eighteen years of our lives. Why can't you find the love in your heart just to talk to me about this?"

Ben shook he head and his lips curved into a sorrowful smile. Last night, his mother told him that he didn't have the capacity to love. "You want to know why I can't find the love in my heart. You, you're the reason."

"What are you talking about, you're father and I gave you so much love." Natalie rebutted. She fixed her scarf and her hair bounced on her wrinkled head. She sounded more like she wanted to convince Ben than apologize.

"Love was the last thing you guys gave me. I think you knew I was gay, before I did and that pushed you away. You didn't want me to be your fault. You're mistake. If you didn't raise me, then I couldn't be, right?" Ben spat out.

"Ben, you can't believe that." Natalie stated and held her son's hand. She squeezed it and looked in his eyes.

"No, I know that," He pulled his hand away from his mothers. "Have you ever thought that maybe I can't love because you never showed me what it was?"

Natalie frowned and watched her son disappear into the crowds. She couldn't put her finger on how she felt. There were emotions swirling inside her stomach and she couldn't grasp onto the ones she wanted. Her values and morals were all jumbled now and she felt that the word 'clear' had a haze over it.

***

Ben wrapped himself in a blanket and got cozy on the couch in his apartment. Colby walked out of her room in a sweatshirt and sweats. She sat on the small free space left on the couch and looked at Ben.

"The television isn't on." Colby pointed to the black screen. "You okay,"

"I think I am black inside," Ben stated.

"Like…from the hood black…or…" Colby trailed off.

"Like tormented and angst-y inside. I am talking teenage-slash-fan-fiction here."

"Okay, that's pretty intense," Colby leaned forward. "Are you sure you don't want to share this with your therapist?"

"The thing is, I don't think I know how to love. I have two guys, two. My whole life I have been telling myself I can't fall in love because I haven't had the right guy, now look at me. I have two and I can't think of…of one thing to do about it. I'm zero."

"You're zero?" Colby said.

"Zero, empty, black, dark, tormented, angst-y…" Ben listed.

"You are like a slash fan fiction." Colby repeated.

The door opened and the two roommates twisted their heads. Gwen and her British black boy toy, Howard, entered. They giggled and guffawed. Howard took a seat in the armchair and Gwen found herself on his lap.

"What are you two watching?" Howard faced the television. "Oh…nothing, that's cool."

"Why are you two watching nothing," Gwen asked.

"Why don't you tell us your big secret? Where is all that money going?" Colby shot out. Her mind dwelled on the morning.

"Oh god, this again," Gwen sighed.

"What's this? A secret that I don't know about," Howard asked. Gwen shot him a look. "Well," He began, "I suppose we are all entitled to our secrets."

"That we are, unless our secrets are hurting others." Colby said.

"Please, it is not hurting you. You don't even know what it is." Gwen stood up. "Come on Howard, let's go to my room."

The two went into Gwen's room and shut the door. Colby and Ben turned to look at each other exchanging silent concerns.

"Do you think she is buying drugs?" Ben questioned.

"…or shoes, how many pairs of shoes does she have?" Colby turned to the closed door she would have to check later.

"Drugs, shoes, who knows what she is buying with that money," Ben whispered.

***

Ben stopped across the street from the BBC building. He saw her in a lime green cashmere dress and dark raincoat. She sat on the bench outside his job. Ben didn't want to speak to the woman but he knew it would be inevitable. Ben crossed the street and she looked up noticing him in a second.

"Benny," Natalie stood up, moving to her son more cautiously.

"What now, are you here to tell me how horrible I am? You already made that point clear." Ben shouted his voice harsh and grating.

"I'm here to say, I'm sorry. We live in such different worlds now." Natalie looked past Ben staring into a memory. "I remember, a long time ago. When you fell and scraped your knee. You came running to me. I could kiss it and make it better. Now, you're an adult, I can't just kiss a problem and make it better because…I am the problem."

"What are you getting at because I don't have the time?" Ben replied.

"Ben, I am sorry for everything." Natalie apologized. "Yes, you are gay, but before that my son. I can't say I approve of your choices, but I will love you no matter what." Natalie had tears swell in her eyes, eyes which she passed on to Ben. He was always told he had his mother's eyes. My flight leaves this afternoon, I wanted to say that."

Ben stared at his mother, her eyes softer towards him. He nodded. "Thank you, mom," Ben's voice trailed off into the roar of traffic.

Natalie stood in place for a few more moments then nodded and walked off. She left. A whiff of her perfume lingered around Ben for a moment but melded to other city smells. Ben turned away from the smell and the memory; he had a job to do.

***

Ben and Colby formulated their plan around the cheep kitchen table that evening. The plastic chairs squeaked beneath their anxious bodies as the door creaked open. Gwen entered with bags filled with hotel food.

"I don't think I can use the 'I'm pregnant,' line anymore," Gwen joked placing the bags on the table.

"You don't need to, you're manager, remember." Colby blurted out.

"Yeah, making lot's of extra money…more than either of us." Ben grabbed the bag and took out a Styrofoam box filled with miniature Sheppard pies.

"What are you two getting at?" Gwen regretted giving them the food. "Is this that whole money issue?"

"You know we all pool some of our money for expenses, and keep some to ourselves." Colby stated sternly. "Now, you aren't keeping some, there is a generous amount that you are putting somewhere."

"You know, I pay my share, and if Natalie didn't go on a cleaning binge you two never would have noticed." Gwen sighed and walked towards the bathroom.

"Oh, so you would be okay with lying to us, with keeping a secret from us. Are you buying drugs?" Colby blurted out. She shot up from her chair and dashed to Gwen's side before she could enter the bathroom.

"You sound like a mother you know that, right?" Gwen remarked.

"Gwen, we came to England together, we live together, and we share our lives with each other. If there is something this big that you can't share, then it makes me wonder if your heart is in this at all." Ben stood up and looked Gwen straight in the eye.

"Fine," Gwen shouted in frustration. "Come with me." She stomped out the apartment door.

Ben and Colby smiled at each other, their plan worked. They each grabbed some of the food Gwen brought and dashed out the door.

They walked a few blocks away and arrived down a dingy alleyway. Ben was sure they would be shot. Gwen stopped at a metal door and took out a key. She twisted the key and a small click signaled an entrance.

"Oh my gosh, it is drugs," Colby whispered to Ben as they entered a dark hallway.

The two huddled together following the shadow of Gwen as it ascended the creaky staircase. The third floor greeted them with a stop. Gwen opened another door which entered a dark room. Her shadow motioned for Ben and Colby to enter first. They stepped into the dark abyss and felt a think air surround them. In a brilliant flash of light the small room lit up.

Around the room were canvases and paintings. Some hung from walls and others, still unfinished, sat in corners. Beautiful works of arts with swirling reds and blues came together to form flowers floating in a pond or a red frog swimming in the ocean.

"I didn't want to tell you…because I thought you guys would think I should spend my money on better things. Things that aren't paint, paper, and this small room that I rent out to do it in," Gwen admitted. "I need this though, this is where I vent, and this is where I come to find myself."

"Gwen, we would never make you stop this, these are beautiful." Ben complemented. "We all need our ways to vent…and this is yours."

"This was it, your secret," Colby sounded disappointment. "I am okay with it." Colby stated as if the situation needed her approval. We should hang some of these around our apartment; make it look a little nicer."

Gwen lifted up a painting of broken champagne glass. Beautiful bubbling gold swirled with white marble that could have been real. The shards spread across the painted floor and seemed to glimmer in the single bulb which lit the room. "I just painted this one…"

Ben and Colby both scanned the painting and gave approving smiles.

***

Why are we so determined to keep our secrets hidden, to place them in the shadows away from the light? Are we really better people for saying, "oh I never masturbate," or "Nah, porn – not for me?" I think it's because we are afraid, that if we are exposed, we will end up alone…broken…shattered, like a champagne glass on the floor with all our secrets leaked out; our lives, empty, and devoid of purpose.

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