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Chapter 14 –Making Kylie Matter

Recovering takes time, it take's lots and lots of time. It isn't the kind of thing you can stick a Band-Aid on and it's all better. It's the kind of thing that scabs over, you pick at it, and it hurts…then hurts more. Finally, when you are all done dealing with the pain, the scab, and the recovery, there is a nice little scar to remind you. To remind you of all the pain you felt when it happened.

***

Ben stomped into the apartment and dropped a plastic bag onto the kitchen table. He collapsed over the back of the couch his head deep in a pillow. Gwen exited her room in a hotel uniform. She glanced at Ben, not thinking anything of it. Gwen's high heals took her to the table. She lifted out a small blue book with her manicured nails and flipped through the blank pages.

"What did you waste your money on now?" Gwen spoke with apathy towards the topic.

"My therapist says I need a journal, since Peter left she thought it would be a good idea to write my thoughts down on paper." Ben explained pulling himself up. "I thought I might as well get a blue one."

"You know Colby is going to read this," Gwen placed the book on the table.

"Yeah, I know," Ben replied standing up and snatching the book up. "Great, now I have homework, I hate homework."

A smirk appeared on Gwen's lips. "Hah, I didn't think of that." She walked over to the door and pulled it open. "If you need me to look over your thesis statement, I will." Gwen walked outside.

Ben peered down at his new blue journal. Everything felt new now: a promotion, a journal, and a world without Peter. It was new, Ben had to accept it. He walked around and sat down on the couch. A pen lay on the coffee table and he reached around to grab it.

He sat looking at the blank page and shrugged, there was nothing he wanted to write about.

***

Ben found his way to a small coffee shop just off Oxford Street. He sat down and stared at some crumbs on the table. He felt alone now, abandoned. Even if the person didn't show up he couldn't imagine feeling any lower than he did. Ben stared at the seat across from him and couldn't picture anyone in it. There was just an empty chair, which had no hope of being filled.

"Hey," Seth greeted sliding into the chair. "Long time no see, you got a haircut, it looks nice."

"What?" Ben reached up and felt his hair. It had been a long time since he had seen Seth. "Yeah, I did."

"Okay, so let's do some catching up. You first," Seth leaned over the table his eyes locked onto Ben.

Ben didn't want to go over all the wounds inflicted on him the past month. He didn't want to unravel all the mental turmoil he faced.

"I got promoted and was on television." Ben brushed over all the other dramatics that happened in his life.

"That's great." Seth replied. "You are just flying through life. A successful businessman, life must be going great for you now. You're independent, confident, and rich."

"Yes, except…no." Ben replied and let out a little chuckle, more of sadness that Seth couldn't be more wrong.

Seth burst out in laughter. "Oh, don't be modest. I am just a humble chief. That's what happened, Dell Delany came to my restaurant and I got to make his meal and bring it out to him. He is much cuter in person." Seth mused then turned to the counter. "Let me go grab something warm."

Ben turned out the window and noticed people walking by. He fell into his head in a daydream until Seth came back with two cups of hot chocolate.

The day proceeded on with idle chatter around cups of hot chocolate and slow conversation along the street. The emotions and feelings with it were nothing extraordinary. They eventually entered Seth's house and found a chatty group of girls in the kitchen. This was the first time Ben ever came to Seth's house with anyone inside other than them two.

"Oh Seth," Kylie ran out holding a magazine. "You came just in time, we were about to go out to the strip club…and is this."

"This is Ben," Seth introduced.

"Hi Ben," Kylie smiled. "Do I know you from somewhere?"

"I think we have the same therapist." Ben replied with a laugh. "We have glanced at each other in the waiting room."

"That we have." Kylie remembered. "Are you going to be Seth's date to the wedding?"

"Well, I hadn't quite asked him yet," Seth looked down at his shoes embarrassed.

"Oh Ben, please come. Seth needs a date and it would be my pleasure if you did. I understand if you can't though, this is short notice."

Ben looked at the eager British girl who was asking him to attend not for her need, but for her roommates. He could tell that Seth and she talked about Ben as Seth's date to the wedding before this instant.

"I would love to come," Ben stated. Not to be with Seth, but to see someone have a happy ending. He needed to see a happy ending, to know that they existed.

"Okay, well, we will see you tomorrow, then. Bye for now." Kylie effectively dismissed Ben. "I need to get prepared to marry that man tomorrow." Kylie pointed to a picture frame on a side table. She then proceeded to pull Seth into the kitchen.

Seth waved goodbye. Ben got the hint to leave. Before he did, he turned to look at the happy couple in the portrait. He recognized the groom; it was Howard, Gwen's current lover.

He knew there was no such thing as a happy ending.

***

The apartment smelt of Colby's meatloaf. The meat drifted through the air rubbing against Ben's cold nose. He took off his coat and hung it on the coat hanger.

"Someone was out all day, please tell me you had at least a little sex," Colby joked as Ben walked through the door. She scooped some meatloaf onto his plate and placed it on the kitchen table.

"Well, I actually have some pressing information." Ben walked over to the table and stared down at the brown meat with red tomato sauce atop it. "For Gwen,"

The girl looked up from her gossip magazine and stared into Ben's eyes. She raised an eyebrow. "What exactly is it?"

"You know Howard…" Ben began. He pushed the plate away. Ben couldn't break his friend's heart and have anything in his stomach. He couldn't inflict this kind of pain, what he recently experienced, without wanting to throw up.

***

The following morning the sun drifted up slowly over a cold London. The city's skyline took on a gray feel and a small drift of fog had yet to be burned off. Gwen woke up before the sun did that morning. She took a long hot shower and put on sensible clothes. She spent a full hour practicing what she would say in front of a mirror. She needed to hide the heartbreak and pain. She needed to be a strong and powerful woman. With this attitude and her purse, she walked out the door.

Gwen knocked on Howard's dorm room. He was still studying at college, at one time their age difference was the biggest problem. "You're awfully dressed up this morning, any special occasion." Gwen stated pushing him aside and entering the room, it was a single.

"Oh, I have a speech." Howard lied. The false truths slid between his teeth.

"Or wedding," Gwen spat out. She kept her face as emotionless as possible. Howard wouldn't get to see her cry. "I caught you, you lying bastard." She walked up and with a flat palm slapped him across the face.

"Gwen, I still- I still love you." Howard kicked the door shut so no one would hear.

"No, I am not going to be the other woman. I am not going to be the woman who ruins someone's life." Gwen shouted stomping one of her high heals down on the floor.

"It will be our secret." Howard stated. He leaned forward trying to kiss the girl and shut her up.

Another firm slap put him in his place. "You are getting married today; doesn't that tuxedo mean anything to you? Doesn't today mean anything to you? Today is the day that anniversaries will be. In two years, three years, what will you have if you kiss me now? You will have the day that you kissed the other woman so basically nothing, is that all this is..." Gwen screamed and scolded. She paused and felt her tears begin to swell. "…all this is nothing." She said her voice a bit shaky.

"You don't understand." Howard said dumbly.

"Don't give me that 'I don't understand' crap. I am going to go tell her. I will tell Kylie," Gwen pushed her sadness down once again and raised her voice. She laughed at Howard's shocked look. "Yeah, you didn't think I knew who she was did you."

"You can't, I won't let you." Howard blocked the door with his body. He was larger and stronger than Gwen, but she knew he was a wimp.

"You need to step out of my way, right now." Gwen commanded. She looked Howard in the eye and he moved aside. She left the room.

***

The chapel Kylie picked out for her wedding was a beautiful small place. Grey stone walls and polished pews with white lilies all painted a picture of joy and celebration. Guests filtered in and were greeted by the priest and bridesmaids.

"Seth," Ben ran up to his friend. Ben wore a blue dress shirt and black slacks along with a black tie.

"Ben, you made it." Seth said. He was happy to see the guy of his dreams run towards him.

"You need to be with Kylie today," Ben whispered. Ben's voice hid urgency, his eyes showed it.

"Of course I will be with her; I am her man of honor." Seth laughed as if it was a dumb question. He put his hands on Ben's shoulders. "No worries,"

"No, you need to be with her." Ben begged. "You need to hold her hand. You need to…just trust me, there isn't going to be a wedding." Ben spat out.

An elderly lady walked by. She looked up wondering if she heard something but shook it off and continued into the chapel.

"What? Ben, what is going on, you need to tell me." Seth dragged Ben off to the side. They took a few steps into a narrow hallway.

"Howard has been dating my roommate. He has been for a long time." Ben explained in the shortest way he could.

"Oh my god, should I go to her now, should I…do something? I don't think I can cancel the wedding. I can't make that decision." Seth looked over his shoulder down the hall and frowned. He let go of Ben's arms and put a frustrated hand to his forehead.

"Well, it is ultimately her decision, but Gwen is telling her everything." Ben knew it was a relief to Seth that he wouldn't have to break the news to his friend. Ben felt glad for Seth; he couldn't have to do what Ben did the previous night.

"I hope that their talk is going alright." Seth glanced down the hallway.

***

Kylie stood in front of a full body mirror. She looked over her dress and noticed all these wrinkles that she knew could never be smoothed out. They were the type of wrinkles that only the bride noticed and no one else. The room was small but a large window opened it up. The creaky wooden door squeaked behind her.

"Oh Seth, I was so nervous. I thought…" She spun around noticing the sensibly dressed woman across from her. "You're not Seth…your that woman from the hotel. If you have come to tell my husband about the hotel room you don't understand." Kylie remembered that day she went to Juan Montez's room on an errand for her job.

"Your husband, you're soon to be husband has been cheating on you." Gwen interjected not paying attention to what Kylie was saying.

"What? What the hell, you don't burst in here and fling around accusations" Kylie shouted. She realized that this girl was here for a different reason. Kylie didn't know if it was jealousy but she wouldn't have it today.

"No, this is true. You need to listen to me." Gwen pleaded. She walked closer to the girl but then stopped. She couldn't move any closer, she didn't want to.

"Who the hell are you to come in, on my wedding day and…" Kylie shouted, the girl wouldn't leave, and stepped further into the room. Kylie didn't need this extra stress.

"You know, I can tell in your eyes. You know he is." Gwen looked into Kylie's eyes. She saw it. The girl knew, deep down inside.

"Don't tell me…" Kylie gritted her teeth.

"Don't do this to yourself." Gwen said and Kylie went instantly silent. "I grew up in a broken household. My mom was always hurt, she was always crying. It was so easy for her to walk away. That first step, that's the hard part,"

"You need to leave," Kylie instructed.

"Take that first step now, before you're too deep in the hole to get out." Gwen advised

"Leave." Kylie's voice cracked.

The door opened and Gwen left. Kylie watched the door squeak shut and she turned to the window. She could jump out and run away. It would be dramatic and her wedding dress would flutter every which way. Kylie pictured her escape out that window.

***

To say the wedding was extravagant wouldn't be a lie. There were certain extravagances about the ceremony that took place once the doors from the entranceway closed. Anticipation filled the room in wait for the bride. The moment the Celtic woman began to sing the 'Wedding March' everyone stood on pins and needles. Gwen stood near the back as the doors burst open. The procession proceeded down the aisle. Eventually, gathering around the altar.

Kylie glowed and looked into her husband's eyes. She waited then spoke up before the priest. "Howard, I need to ask you, are you…did you sleep with that woman." Kylie turned and pointed a figure at Gwen.

"I…" Howard hesitated. "No, no, why are you saying that?" He shook his head denying her accusation.

"You have no problem lying to me on our wedding day; in front of all our friends…" Kylie closed her eyes and two tears slipped down her cheeks. "I can't marry you." Kylie shook her head ripping her hands away from him.

"Kylie," Howard reached to hug his bride.

"Don't touch me, don't you touch me you cheating bastard. Get the hell out of my sight. I never want to see you again." Kylie screeched. The crowd gasped. "Go leave. Get out of my life."

Howard looked at the crowd and turned speeding out of the chapel. Gwen turned her gaze when he ran past her. She tried to ignore the stares from the women in the crowd.

"Kylie," Seth walked over to his friend and hugging her. He held the hug for a few seconds then worked up the nerve. He turned and stood in front of the crowd. "The wedding is all over," Seth said.

Ben hurried to the back of the chapel and grabbed his friend tugging her into the entryway. "Here, Gwen, let's go."

Gwen held him back. Kylie and Seth pulled up besides them.

"You did the right thing, now's the easy part." Gwen whispered to Kylie.

Kylie looked the other woman in the eyes and smile. "No, now is the part where I need to stand up and walk by myself, now that I know how to walk; now that I took that first step." Kylie walked by on Seth's arm down the hall towards the bride's room.

Gwen walked out of the chapel on Ben's arm.

***

Ben Howe collapsed on his bed, still in his dress-clothes. He was tired and wanted to sleep but too much was on his mind. The man reached over to his bedside and pulled over the blue journal and a pen.

'I don't want to write in you…I have nothing to say.' Ben wrote and nibbled on the end of his pen. 'I don't want to tell you that Peter is gone. I don't want to tell you that I imagined him and I on that altar today. And I don't want to tell you, that my fantasy played out the same way. Peter left. Peter was the one. He was my one. I loved him. I loved Peter and now he is gone and far away in Yatton.'

Ben felt his wrist twitch and the pen continue on. The words came too easily and he wasn't exactly sure where they came from.

'I gave so much of myself to him. I gave part of my heart, a third of my soul, and a whole lot of ogling. Then he left and he didn't return any of it. Now I am only this shell, this broken reminisces of the formerly known Ben.' Ben continued and closed his eyes for a moment.

'…I am so broken, that I can't even put myself back together without breaking more.' Ben finished and shut the book. He slammed it on the side table and clicked off the light.

***

Recovering is something we all try. At one point or another, we think that since things can't get worse…they have to get better. A wish upon a star will come true. Our departed can hear us when we speak. Knock on wood, and bad things won't happen. All, like recovery, just don't happen. But hell, we wouldn't be human if we didn't try to mess with the way things work.

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