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I felt weak. My body didn't want to move from the one spot on my bed and I certainly didn't complain. It had been several hours since my panic attack and I tried really hard to block that out of my head. Words echoed throughout my head, and I could practically hear my father's laughter at how scared I had suddenly became.

I was weak. I couldn't fight back.

The floorboards in the hallway creaked and I heard whispering getting closer and further into the room. I didn't move or pull the covers away from me, I simply laid there and waited, listening.

"We gotta wake him up, it's almost dinner." I heard Kellin say softly.

"He probably doesn't even want us to bother up," Jaime said.

"So? I don't care. I'm not going to let him just lay here forever because of something that doesn't even matter." Kellin said. I heard Jaime sigh.

"You can wake him up, I'm going downstairs." Jaime said.

"Whatever," Kellin muttered, and I could just imagine him rolling his eyes.

I was shook lightly, making me grumble and stir even though I was somewhat awake.

"C'mon, it's almost dinner." Kellin said softly, sitting down at the edge of my bed. I grumbled and sat up, pushing the covers away from my face. Kellin gave me a warm smile, something that for some reason made me feel calm.

"Are you feeling okay?" He asked, I gave a slight nod although really I wasn't. "I know you probably don't want to, but you've got to get up." He added, pulling the covers away from me. I groaned loudly and sighed.

"Can't I just stay here in bed and just...just be miserable?" I questioned, feeling my eyes begin to water again.

Geez, I really hated crying.

"No, you can't, and I won't let you." Kellin said, pulling my hand and forcing me out of bed.

I didn't say anything as Kellin pulled me out of the bedroom and downstairs until we reached the dining hall where already everyone was at. Little children ran around, chasing each other until Miss McDougall scolded them. Kellin smiled at me and pulled me to the table where plates full of spaghetti were at. He handed me a plate and grabbed one for himself before pushing me along to the table where the others were sat. I didn't say anything as I took a seat and picked around with my food.

"Are you okay, after with what happened?" Vic asked, I gave a little nod, not daring to look up from my plate. I just couldn't.

I felt embarrassed and stupid and I knew that right now I was on the verge of another stupid break down and I didn't want it anymore. I hated crying, I felt weak when I did it and I've always had to be strong, no matter what. I was never allowed to cry, because if I did, things would only become worse.

"I think I failed my math test," Jaime said randomly.

"What? Hime, you know you can't fail." Mike said, Jaime shrugged and looked at me, giving me a little wink and that made me grin.

"So what? I can just cheat on the next one and it'll be all fine." He said, Mike rolled his eyes.

Throughout dinner I never said anything, only listened to the guys around me laughing at each other. Austin didn't say anything either but occasionally I'd look up and he would be looking at me. I would call it creepy and weird, but there was something in his eyes that made me feel calm and he looked concerned.

When dinner was over I headed for the stairs but someone grabbed my wrist and pulled me back into the living room. I sighed, seeing that it was just Kellin.

"I don't want to watch t.v.," I muttered, crossing my arms after I was pushed to sit down on the couch.

"It doesn't matter, Alan," he said, flipping through the channels. "You've been up in the room for hours and sulking isn't going to do you any good." I rolled my eyes but didn't say anything. There was obviously no arguing with him on this, so I had to go with it for heaven knows how long.

。。。

For about an hour Kellin and I sat in the living room, watching t.v. and trying to keep our giggles and laughter down. It was nearing midnight by now and we both seemed really exhausted. Kellin climbed up to his bunk and I climbed into mine. Jaime was fast asleep, snoring softly and sprawled out against the sheets. I stared at the wall, curling an arm under my head.

At least I felt better than I had several hours ago, that I could be thankful for, but I was still embarrassed and I wanted to erase all that had happened on the bus from my mind completely. Sure it may have not been the biggest deal ever, but it still happened and now I couldn't stop torturing myself with it.

Why did I have to overreact like that? Why did I have to do that in front of Austin. Why can't I just be normal?

Why?

I was almost terrified to sleep, knowing that the nightmares were just around the corner, ready to jump into my dreams and ruin the sweetness and replace it for bitter, horrible things that would never be gone. That was something I knew I'd be stuck with, a curse that could never be dismissed.

I rolled around and sighed, curling up under the blankets and closing my eyes.

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