Array
(
[text] =>

I sat up quickly, gasping for air as an alarm clock buzzed. At first I had no idea where I was, where I was staying and what was happening, but then I heard Jaime groan and slap a hand over the alarm clock to silence it.

My head was pounding and my hands were sweaty. Once again I had a nightmare, but this time it wasn't about my father and me getting hit, no, it was about everything that happened yesterday. From getting on the bus, to stopping in my neighborhood and me panicking. Austin was sat beside me on the bus, just like it really it happened, Kellin and Vic were across from us- basically everyone was sat how they were yesterday. My panic attack happened, but this time no one helped. They all stared at me and I began to spiral out of control, gasping for air and begging for someone to save me. Out of nowhere my father appeared, snickering and laughing, saying how useless it was for me to be saved when I was just a waste of space and air, that I shouldn't helped, then everything fell dark and I felt as if I was falling through a hole, with no help whatsoever.

Sighing, I ran fingers through my hair and silently got out of bed, going down the hallway where the bathroom was. I flicked on the lights and closed the door, staring at my reflection.

It was weird, seeing yourself in a mirror. Sometimes I wondered how I'd look with different colour hair or different skin tone, or just something that I didn't have now. Of course I liked my hair colour, it was something that I had learned to love and live with ever since I was younger. I enjoyed having vibrant hair and pale, freckle covered skin, but I just wondered who I would be if I were different. Would I be in this orphanage or possibly dreading the oncoming school day? Who would I be if I wasn't me?

I knew once I had woken up fully, I wouldn't be getting anymore sleep, especially after that stupid nightmare. Silently I left out of the bathroom, heading back down the hallway and to the bedroom where Jaime was still fast asleep and so was Kellin. I crawled into my bunk again and sighed softly. Here goes to another sleepless night.

。。。

It was only a few hours before I heard another alarm clock go off and Kellin groaning before rolling out of bed after it was shut off. He left out of the room with a handful of clothes. I got out of bed and went downstairs, seeing Miss McDougall with the toddlers who were wide awake and a baby in her arms. She smiled when she noticed me, setting the baby in a highchair.

"There's cereal over there in the pantry." She said, I nodded and mumbled a thank you, grabbing a plastic bowl and a plastic spoon before rummaging through the pantry where I found Apple Jacks and smiled happily, pouring some into the bowl along with milk.

I sat down on the couch and munched on the cereal, watching the cartoons that the toddlers had on while they played on the floor. After I had finished eating, I got rid of my bowl and went back upstairs where Kellin was drying his hair and trying to get Jaime to wake up.

"Where'd you go?" He asked me, rolling his eyes when Jaime slapped him away.

"I got breakfast." I mumbled, going over to the closet and grabbing some clothes.

"Goddammit Hime, get up!" Kellin said, pushing down on his mattress.

"Leave me alone!" Jaime shouted, slapping a pillow over his head. Kellin rolled his eyes and shook his eyes. I chuckled and left out of the room to take a quick shower before pulling on my clothes and drying my hair to the best of my abilities.

When I got back to the room Jaime had slapped Kellin with a pillow and walked past me, grumbling under his breath and storming into the bathroom. Kellin rolled his eyes and tossed the pillow back to the bed, I just stood there, not really know what to do or say.

"He's terrible," he mumbled, fixing up his hair. "He's like a little kid who wants to sleep all the time. Even the toddlers aren't this hard to wake up." I chuckled and shrugged. There definitely wasn't anything wrong with wanting to sleep, I loved to sleep.

Kellin didn't say anything else as he left out of the room with a loud sigh. I sat down on my bunk and pulled on my shoes, fixing what little mess I did have of my hair and went downstairs too where Kellin, Vic and Austin were sat in the living room eating breakfast.

"Hey little dude, there's breakfast in the pantry." Vic said, pointing over in the general direction. I nodded but sat down in the arm chair closest to the couch. While everyone ate, I sat there, messing with the ends of my hair or shirt, listening to Vic and Austin chatting while Kellin stirred his spoon around his bowl. After they finished the bus had arrived and everyone who belonged on the bus got on. Of course I sat in the back, trying to hide myself away. I was still embarrassed.

。。。

I hated school ever since middle and I don't think that I'll ever come to like it. I sat bored throughout all of my classes, doodling in the corners of my notebook paper, not even listening to what was being taught. Some might say I was not applying myself, but even just the thought of doing work made me want to be lazy. Sure I was good at school, I made decent grades and I could breeze by easily, but that doesn't mean I have to like this stupid place.

Currently I was sitting in Chemistry with Austin and Lynn, working on homework. I wasn't even doing mine, I was just sitting there while everyone else did theirs. I made the decision long ago that I'd just get it done before class tomorrow.

"You know, I don't think a picture of the sun is the answer to that problem." Austin whispered, leaning closer to me. I glanced at him, feeling my cheeks warm up when I realized how close he was.

"Well it should be, it's a very good sun." I said softly, lightly running my pencil over it, shading it in. I heard Austin chuckle.

"Are you feeling better?" He asked. "From what had happened yesterday?"

I gave a jerky nod, not wanting to think about it at all. "Yeah, I'm fine." I muttered, biting my lip.

"You don't have to be embarrassed, you know. We all have at least some form of anxiety when it comes to going to a new school." He said softly. Oh, if only he knew and if only I wished it was just anxiety from being at a new school.

"Yeah, well..." I trailed off, turning back to my picture.

"You know everyone cares about and they're all worried-"

"Well you don't have to worry about me, okay? I didn't ask to be here." I snapped loudly, causing everyone in the room to look at me. Of course they all turned and looked at me. I saw Austin roll his eyes and I couldn't take it anymore. I began to panic slightly and hurriedly left out of the room, closing the door behind me before bounding down the hallway, far away from that classroom as possible.

"Alan," I heard someone call after me, but I was too busy trying to get away from the echoing voices and that haunting laughter. "Alan, wait up." They said, getting closer and eventually catching up with me. They spun me around and I came face to face with Lynn. She seemed really confused and, of course, concerned.

I couldn't say anything, only being able to shake my head as my eyes watered. I was mentally beating myself up for getting so emotional over something so stupid. I hated crying, it made me weak.

"Hey, hey, it's alright," Lynn cooed, pulling me in for a hug and I felt so calm, so relaxed, but I still cried. I cried until I was a sobbing mess, hiccuping for breath and trying to stop myself, but I just couldn't. It was like once I started, I couldn't stop.

"Why don't you tell me what's wrong." She said softly, pulling away some and running fingers through my hair.

"I-I-I don't kn-know. I just- I just c-can't stop." I said, my breathing becoming heavy.

"How about we just go, yeah? Get you something to eat and drink, calm you down." She said and all I did was nod.

We left out of school, nothing being said to us or between us as we walked. I didn't know what to say or do, but I knew for fact that I was feeling better and far calmed down. My eyes were puffy and I felt exhausted and all I wanted to do was take a nap, but Lynn insisted we got something to eat first before anything else was done, and I honestly couldn't argue with her, she was the only thing keeping me sane for right now.

I can't believe I cried for the second time again this week. Wow, could I ever catch a break from stupid emotions?

。。。

An update and an awesome new cover, I feel amazing. We should all thank spacedrugs for making this awesome cover by the way, because damn, I say it again, it's awesome. Anyway, I've got midterms this week which means studying and I'm not a big fan of that, like at all, but enjoy this c:

[text_hash] => add6269e
)