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This is pretty much a very soft oneshot. I wrote in Yohan's point of view how he saw his amazing hyungs going through ups and downs in life.

I hope you enjoy it!

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I started from rock bottom. I started with only few months of training, without having ever sang or danced in my life. The stage was still something I wanted, craved with my everything. And in some way, I made it. Not only I made it, I made it to first place. And it's something I couldn't even dream of, with so many talented and charismatic people right there. But I guess people saw something in me? I really don't know.

The first day I got there, the first day I met all those people. It was like they had such bright stars in their chests. Each star different from the other, everyone shone in a different way. I remember very clearly the first time I met our most experienced members. Seungwoo hyung, Seungyeon hyung, Wooseok hyung and Hangyul. And it was so different. We had lights, but it seemed like they had stars made of diamonds, carefully and perfectly sculpted. Looking at them singing, dancing, rapping, it was like looking at... like looking at the galaxy. Stars here and there, and then all of a sudden there's this extremely bright big star that you can't help but look at. That's them.

They have fire in their eyes. It's like their soul ignited with infinite fire. So every single time I looked at them, it was like I couldn't take my eyes off them. How can you ask someone who's looking at a Lotus flower to just stop looking? In the middle of such darkness, and ugliness stands the lotus flower, stunning and bright. You just can't stop looking at it, right? Because if you look away, you'll only find darkness and bad things.

That's how I saw those members. I just wanted to keep looking at them. Because if I looked away I would have to face reality. So I just wanted to keep being blinded by that bright light.

But as I knew them more... I realized it was more than what I saw. Wooseok hyung had told me once: if you feel sad, just cry. Don't hold back and just cry. And I didn't think he would be the kind to need that kind of sentence. But that day came. When he got confused with the choreography since such small changes were made. And he was so busy trying to help our team, and even other teams, that he forgot about himself. That's the first time I saw him truly cry, right in front of me.

After the evaluation everyone had went back to the practice room. Except for Wooseok, who somehow had just disappeared on the way. So I just decided to search. We had just heard pretty harsh words, specially Wooseok and I couldn't let him be alone at such a situation.

After looking through some of the small studios, I heard sniffling. At first I didn't think it could be him, our Wooseok hyung, but I could recognize that voice from anywhere. So I quietly opened the door, peeking through. And there was that bright sculpted star. But then it seemed... cracked. Like it had been suddenly hit strongly, and the sculpted perfection had cracked.

I got in quietly, sitting beside Wooseok. Before then I had never really realized how small the older member was. He was just always so confident and talented, it didn't seem possible that Wooseok was smaller than me. But right then he did seem small. Curled up, hugging his knees, and all I heard were very soft sniffles and whimpers.

I wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him closer to lay his head on my chest. He didn't give in at first, but slowly leaned on me. I lightly caressed his hair, not exactly knowing what to say. But I knew I had to.

"Wooseok hyung... you don't need to answer me, just listen, okay? I know you don't really like it when people see you cry. But I couldn't just watch. You shouldn't blame yourself for this okay? You have such a big heart. Such a big heart that tries to take everyone's pain away. And I saw it. I saw you helping every single member with their dancing, their vocals, I saw you going to the other studio when Suhwan asked for help, I saw you even going to Pretty Pretty team to help them with their vocals, I saw it all. I know how hard you worked, and so many trainees are so so thankful to you. Because you are part of the reason they were able to do so well. So don't blame yourself. You're tired, you got so much in your mind, or you think I didn't see you even thinking about the formations of the other team? You're trying to take so much at once, because of that gentle and kind heart of yours. But you need time for yourself too, hyung. I think the best is for you to rest a bit now okay? You have to relax a bit before continuing, okay? So don't punish yourself. Don't keep torturing yourself with those harsh words, because we know why they happened."

I didn't know myself where all that had come from. In that moment I just felt like the older brother, just like I was to my sisters. Wanting to protect them, make sure they feel happy and loved. That's how I felt towards my hyung.

I slightly moved to get more comfortable, and saw Wooseok suddenly grab my wrist. The older probably thought I was going to leave. So I just pulled him closer, almost putting him on my lap as we hugged. For as long as he needed, I could hug him and care for him, if that meant I could make his bad emotions go away or get weaker.

________________

It was right after the ranking announcement. The cameras had stopped rolling, the audience was leaving, and all that was left was us. The 20 trainees who were divided to form X1, and trainees that came to support us and cheer for us. We were already changing clothes and taking off makeup to leave. Leave those sets for the last time, our luggage all already done. And from now on it would be only the eleven of us. It was sad to part ways with all those trainees I came to consider extremely close friends, but being able to debut is a dream come true.

As I had just finished getting changed, I looked at the corner of the room. We were at a room for equipment so there was no one else. From those broad shoulders I could immediately say it was none other than Han Seungwoo. I saw him put down his cellphone after saying something I didn't understand, probably saying bye to someone. Then instead of leaving he just sat there, staring at his cellphone screen.

And Seungwoo seemed so confused. I knew his situation. Debuting meant he would stay with us, but leave his other group for at least two years and a half. And in such a situation, there was no ending that would be completely good. So I knew he would feel troubled.

I approached slowly, sitting beside him quietly. He was really looking at a picture of him and the other Victon members, it seemed to be a picture taken around their debut. They just seemed so so happy, everyone so close to each other.

"You were talking to them, hyung?"

"Yeah, we were in a video chat. The members got all together to watch the final episode"

"It must feel bittersweet for all of you, right? Don't be afraid to show it hyung, we understand. We don't expect you to be entirely happy, neither you nor Wooseok hyung. We know it must be hard to have to part ways. "

Seungwoo slowly looked up, staring at my face. I saw his gaze soften, a light smile making it's way into his features  as he lightly nodded.

"I'm glad that you're so understanding, Yohan-ah... it's really great to know there's someone like you in the group"

"Don't worry, hyung, all of us are understanding. We're family now, we're here to support and cherish each other. So don't worry, okay? Just because you're the oldest doesn't mean you have to carry all the weight on your own. At least share with us, the oldest members."

"Thank you, Yohan-ah... Thank you, really"

I smiled a bit awkwardly, opening my arms for a hug. The older laughed, but leaned in nevertheless. We stayed hugging for a short while, and I felt Seungwoo resting his head on my shoulder. It felt good to know that even if it was just a little bit, he felt comfortable enough to rely on me. After these months I already figured out his ways, how he just used to simply try and take all the weight to himself. So knowing I could be at least of some help felt really good.

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Seungyeon is surely one of a kind. The extroverted, funny and happy personality is something not easily found. He always knew exactly what to say and when to say so that everyone would be laughing. He soon became the first one MCs would go to when they needed someone funny in the group, and it basically became routine. It didn't come to me that this could be a weight.

But I started to see things. How Seungyeon hyung was starting to get giddy and would fiddle with his fingers or the fabric of his clothes every single time we had some variety show to go to. He seemed anxious and even tense. It was nothing like the loud and carefree Seungyeon we always saw during practice or at the dorms.

And I couldn't just let it be. So one day, after one of our schedules I went after him. It was kind of late already, so the members were mostly getting ready to go to sleep. I took advantage of the time Hangyul was showering to get into their room. Seungyeon looked at me confusedly as he was laying down on the bed, looking at his phone.

"Hey, Yohan-ah, anything I can help you with?"

"You can help me by saying how I can help you"

Seungyeon sat on the bed, and I quickly sat beside him.

"What do you mean?"

"I saw how nervous you've been getting, hyung, how you've just gotten so giddy"

"Oh... Don't worry, Yohanie, I'm completely fine. I was just worried about a few things"

I saw the reassuring smile on the older's face. It was always like this. He would never give in when he needed help. He would just say he's fine and put a bright smile on his face, and I swear by now he must be a master of fake smiling. So I wouldn't be phased anymore.

"No, hyung, really... you feel pressured right? You feel pressured to only show this bright bright side of you."

I saw Seungyeon's expression become shaky, no longer his smile looked as persistent. I knew I got the right point.

"You don't need to worry about this, I'll figure out how to keep being the variety person of the group."

"Hyung, no. I want to help because I care about you, all the ten of us care about you so so much, and we can't leave you feeling burdened. And even if you want to keep being that person... at least allow yourself to break a bit in front of us. I know you must struggle sometimes, but you never show us! We want to help you so so bad, but how can we when you're so so good at hiding your emotions, and never tell us what's going on? Please, let yourself rely on us as much as you make us rely on you, hyung, you can't keep carrying this forever."

"I... I am... I'm pretty impressed, Kim Yohan."

He just ruffled my hair, still staring at me. I saw his smile slowly fade, leaving on just the corners of his lips very slightly pointing upwards.

"You're right. I do feel kind of burdened about being the one basically responsible for being a funny member and everything... you know that even though I'm always like this with you guys, I'm not so open with strangers, and sometimes it does make me nervous. And overall I also don't want to burden you guys. Me, Wooseok, Seungwoo hyung... We're more experienced. There's certain things it should be us doing until you're confident enough to. Until then, let us carry some burdens on our own"

"Hyung, we have to learn, don't we? How can we learn when you guys are trying so hard to do it all alone? And also... it must be so heavy for you guys. People know how experienced you are, they're always coming after your mistakes. But I barely see the three of you guys show... pain, hurting, sadness! You seem as perfect to us as you seem to the audience! And we don't want this. We may be younger, we may be inexperienced, but we want to help. We want to be people you guys can also rely on. The three of you shouldn't carry this weight on your own, or at least you should rely on us when you're hurt! Please, hyung, we all want to see you happy, but we never know how troubled you are inside"

Seungyeon was avoiding my gaze. Completely avoiding my gaze. Until I leaned in, just like I had done weeks before with Wooseok. I made him look me in the eye, searching for some kind of response. He didn't have that bright smile on his features anymore, and it felt like a wall had gone down as I stared at his features.

"You're right, Yohanie. I know how much you guys care about me, about us. But you know my side as well, right? You're also an older brother, you know how it feels wanting to protect someone from all the bad in the world. And it's hard not doing so when you love someone just so so much. I can't promise I'll change now, but I'll remember your words, Yohanie. I promise I'll try and lean on you guys when I'm feeling troubled."

As a way to make the whole atmosphere lighter I raised my pinky finger, grinning as I stared at the older member. Seungyeon laughed, raising his pinky finger as well for a pinky promise. What I was not expected was to be suddenly pulled in  for a tight hug.

"You little thing, almost making hyung cry, how witty! It must be your thing already, making hyungs cry, huh?"

I laughed as he started poking my sides, using a funny voice to play around. That was a pretty chaotic night at Seungyeon's room, as I didn't even know how all 11 of us could fit into the small room. But we did, and even though the moments were simple, they were memories I would keep forever.

Knowing those three bright stars, I realized. I had always heard "Ignorance is a blessing". I never really understood it, until I understood them.

Those bright, perfectly sculpted stars could be the most beautiful thing to see from afar. But they also could hold no secrets. They were fragile and could break if touched too strongly, or could be scarred forever. They were open for everyone to see, and they knew it. They knew how sculpted they were, and could point out how to become so.

Us, rocks in the rough, were different. Being hit sometimes even helped us on the way to become as perfect and sculpted. But it also hid our most intimate being from others. It allowed us to change and evolve until we were ready to shine brightly.

Understanding this made me want to protect them. Made me want to become a little star just going around them and protecting them from anything that came to hurt them. Until I was also sculpted enough to join them. And that's how we could become greater, stronger. Until the day we were the biggest star, the strongest and brightest.

Until then, I decided, I will try and protect our three lights. Until the day we're all similar and can form our own, beautiful galaxy.

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