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|epilogue: final tape|

So this is it. This is the last chapter of this story and I cannot express how surprised I am. I honestly did not expect to actually complete this (i was more expecting to give up half way) but I have and it's an amazing feeling to be proud of yourself for finishing something you actually put effort into.

I'd also like to tell you that this story is going to be translated into Italian by killapikkoletta and I'm open to more offers but only if you mention that it is mine and that you're only translating it. To say I'm excited would be an understatement.

Anyway, please go read my next story that I'm writing with my sister, _fxckmelarry_ I'd really appreciate it. The first chapter will be up hopefully tomorrow (or tonight you never know)

I just wanna thank everyone who read and voted and commented and shared this with your friends or something. I just love you all so much and you make me happy so thanks again.

Ok, onto the final chapter.

Hello, love.

How have you been? If you're listening to this then it means that you've finished all of the other tapes and that also means that there's now only one secret I've kept from you. Not for long though. Actually, I'm gonna confess now.

Harry, I'm not dead.

What? My heart stopped and so did my feet. I was no longer walking but the effect that this new information made me sit in the middle of the street and place my head between my hands. I didn't know I was crying until the tears hit the cement and my hand made contact with my wet face. He's not dead? How? What happened then?

Ok, so you may be mad... or relieved. I really hope it's the second one. But I can explain. 

You see, I did try. Oh god, Harry I tried so hard. I had all my options laid out in front of me; the gun, the rope, the razor, the pills. I knew the gun would be too loud and attract the attention of too many people so I crossed that off my list. I had nowhere to hang the rope and I couldn't tie a noose for shit, trust me, I tried. And I'd never self harmed before in my life so I was too scared to do that. So that left me with the pills. After all, it is only fair that I leave this world painlessly considering the amount of pain it put me in, right? So I recorded the tapes and tidied up my room. I had letters for every one of my family members - even the ones that hated me and I was sitting in bed the glass of water by my side and the pills at my feet. My parents were at dinner, Lottie was on a date, Fiz was out with her friends and the twins were at a party. Everything was perfect. Almost. I wasn't dead yet. So I took the pills. The whole bottle and possibly even half of another one. The next minute I was asleep and when I woke up I was in a hospital bed. Lottie was by my bed waiting for me and she told me - through her tears - that she came home early from a shit date and wanted to talk to me about it only to find me passed out with empty bottles and letters on my desk. Long story short my stomach was pumped and I lived... hooray. I decided to still send out the tapes to put guilt and regret into my enemies hearts and to just move away and not suffer anymore. I'm living alone now but that's okay.

All I know is that I'm still not happy and I may never be but my mind has not stopped going on about you since and I really wanna try and see where this goes. I'm gonna wait at the little coffee shop in Doncaster called 'Snooze' for the rest of this month. After this month finishes I won't wait anymore as I'll think that you don't want me. Please come and see me if you too want to see where this goes. Oh, and by the way, there may or may not be a letter for you too.

Going home was immediately crossed off the list and replaced with going to the train station and making my way to Doncaster. I was going to see Louis.

*

The shop smelt like vanilla and coffee. No surprise there. To be completely honest, it was quite a cute shop. Directly in front of the front door there was the long stand that sold the actual coffee and snacks. Dotted around the room were round tables with chairs and bathrooms at the back; ladies on the right and men on the left. The floor and furniture was dark wood but the walls were white with pictures and quotes covering them. The large windows and little ornaments scattered around the area really added to the homely feel of the shop.

And right at the back, there was Louis. I walked slowly, trying to savour the moment and cleared my throat once next to his table. To say he looked surprised would be an understatement. His blue eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open. I opened my mouth to say something but he silenced me by shoving a piece of paper in my hands and gesturing for me to sit down. I noticed a coffee cup be placed in front of me as I began to read.

Dear Harry,

If you're reading this letter it's either because I'm dead or I failed and forced myself to have you read this regardless of how embarrassing it is.

We talked for what, one night? And ever since then I have not been able to get my mind off you. The way you talk, so slow yet so enticing. And the multiple times I watched you in the halls like a creepy stalker I've come to love the way you walk and how your hair bounces and your eyes shine. Oh, your eyes. They're so beautiful, Harry, just like the rest of you. I know I probably sound like a creepy stalker right now cause we've only ever talked once but I can honestly say that when I go, you will be the last thing I think of. Not the people that hurt me. Not my family. Not my beloved sister. You. And only you.

This may sound crazy but I think that if I'd stayed longer we could've fallen in love. Like, real love. Not the kind of love that they talk about in books or music or the kind that they show in films. But our love. Maybe it'd be the type that has never-ending fights or the type that can't keep their hands off of each other. Either way, I'd be honoured to be with you. Cause I know that through every fight and every kiss, I'd be with you and not anyone else. Regardless of the amount of time we've spent together, I'd learnt a lot about you that night. And that was almost enough to make me stay.

Almost.

Even though I think I like you and want to be with you I still have the clinging feeling that I want to die. And I don't know, if I fail (which I am 95% hopeful won't happen) and I don't try again it's probably because I want to see you and try to make things work.

I don't know if we'll work and I don't know if you'll maybe-in-the-future love me back but all I know is that you and love both fit into the same sentence. And I'm excited to find out what that sentence says.

Maybe-in-the-future-love,

Louis.

I looked up at a stiff and awkward Louis but the tears in my eyes are enough to relieve him and make him look inviting enough for me to reach over and try to grab his hand. The moment would have been even more romantic if I hadn't spilt my hot coffee all over the table and frantically tried to clean up the mess.

"Oops... We haven't even said hello to each other and I'm already messing things up." A hand stopped my quick movements and a soft chuckle made me look up. With amusement laced in his eyes he whispered,

"Hi." And smiled. I couldn't stop myself from smiling back even if I wanted to. Our hands knotted together while he reached over to tuck a stray curl behind my ear. My heart melted at this simple gesture and I knew what I had to say to make this moment even more perfect than it already was,

"You know, I think I could possibly maybe-in-the-future love you too."

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