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Chapter One:

"Hey, Spencer." Casey exclaimed, putting her arms around my waist. Her wavy blonde hair tickled at my face.

"Hey, babe," I said, awkwardly as she kissed me. She didn't notice my awkwardness. She never did.

"What are you doing tonight?" She asked, as we walked towards English.

"Ummm...nothing." I said, not able to find a reason to decline her incoming date request.

"Cool. Do you want to go to the drive-in tonight?" Casey asked, excited. Did I want to spend ten dollars on a movie we weren't going to watch, just to make out? Not really but every guy here did and I was too afraid word would get around if I said no. I didn't want to raise any suspicion.

Looking into her baby blue eyes, I said, "Sure, I'll pick you at seven."

"See ya then, baby." Casey said, pecking me on the lips and leaving to go next door to Mr. Baldwin's classroom. I leaned against the lockers and sighed. I stood there mustering the courage to face the last hour of school. I sat right behind Adam Jones, the guy I've had a crush on since the ninth grade. He had short blonde hair and wide hazel eyes that looked so sweet and innocent. He was strong and muscular from playing soccer. We were friends, not close as I would like but still friends. We talked about sports and cars. He has never had a girlfriend even though he has had plenty of offers. That gave me hope but I knew it was ridiculous to think he would be gay like me. As far as I knew I was the only in this town like me. Not that anyone would be open about being gay in a town this conservative. The bell rang, interrupting my train of thoughts. Class drug on and on. Ms. Bell gave us an essay due by next class which was nothing unusual but disheartening. The bell rang, releasing me from part one of hell. Now for part two of hell but first time to talk to Adam.

"Another essay from that hag." He complained as we walked out.

"I know." I groaned even though deep down me was happy with it. It kept me away from my dad and got me out of being with Casey.

"Yeah so what are you doing tonight?" Adam asked.

"Going out with Casey." I said, as we got to my locker. I put in my combination and saw a brief look of disappointment but it was over too quickly to be certain.

"Cool. I'm going to start on this essay so I don't fail." Adam said. "Umm...so see you later."

"Sounds good, man. See you later." I said, watching him walk away. Frustrated I kicked my locker. Luckily no one saw. I was just so pissed that this was my life. Pretending I wasn't gay. Pretending I was so in love with Casey. Pretending all those bruises was from baseball. I was tired of it because I couldn't do anything about it. Not a damn thing. Even if Adam was gay, we couldn't be public. This whole town was homophobic. I slammed my locker and walked home.

The walk to and from school was usually the best part of my day. My home was hell. School was hell. In between wasn't. It was a time that I didn't have to speak or pretend. I could feel the cool breeze against my face, giving me a break from the Mississippi heat. People waved and said hello as I passed. I always gave a polite nod and smile in return. Once I got out of the town square, I had a solid five minutes of solitude all to myself.

I lived on a small quiet street. All the houses were small and one story. Some were pretty and kept up with and others were destroyed by alcoholic rednecks that lived in them. Ours was beautiful thanks to my mom. She spent every morning tending to her gardens and flowers. I was constantly out here cutting the grass, weed eating, and trimming the bushes. I went inside. Inside the house was spotless. Mom spent all day cleaning and paying bills. That's what Dad believed woman should do. I didn't believe that so I helped out as much as I could. Dad yelled at me for it, saying it was demeaning her by giving her less to do. Mom would just sit there and nod. Sometimes I didn't know why I tried to help her. She wouldn't protect me.

Mom was in the kitchen, cooking. I took my shoes off and put them in the closet. I look around the living room to see if there was something I could do to help. There was a large brown recliner in the corner that was dedicated to my dad. All the teal and brown cushions were neatly placed on the white sofa and love seat. The coffee table was from its polished shine. A big screen TV hung from the wall. Family pictures taken once a year when we pretend to be a normal family hung on the walls. Only pictures of my dad's family sat with ours. Dad didn't like my mom's family. I made the mistake once of asking my mom about her family in front of my father. He immediately slapped me across the face and sent to my room without dinner. I learned quickly never to ask about them again. Part of me thought that they were good people if my dad didn't like them.

"Hey, Mom." I said, coming into the kitchen.

"Hey, sweetie." She said, turning away from the store. Mom had her dirty blonde hair pulled up into a neat bun. No hair fell into her hazel eyes. She was very plain in her face and personality.

"Is it okay if I go to the drive in with Casey tonight?" I asked. Please say no, I pleaded internally.

"Yes, your dad is going out tonight." Mom said, stirring the pot. Crap, I thought.

"Thanks." I said, hoping my disappointment was hidden.

"You're welcome, honey." She said. I started to walk out the kitchen until she said," Casey is a sweet girl, Spencer. I'm glad you have her."

Awkwardly said, "Yeah, she is." and left. I was always reminded of my betrayal to Casey without anyone realizing it. Casey was a really sweet girl and it was going to kill me to break her heart. She didn't deserve it. I shouldn't have done this to her but it was too late now. I was in too deep.

I went into my room. My room had a bunch of sport posters of my favorite baseball team, the St. Louis Cardinals. One of the perks about being a closeted gay athlete, I could have posters of extremely attractive men on my wall and no one says a word. A black plaid comforter was neatly tucked into my twin sized bed. Almost all my clothes were folded in my dresser. My church clothes were the things only hanging in my closet. All my schoolwork was neatly organized on my desk. My room was insanely clean or my father would be even angrier.

I worked on homework until dinner was ready. Dinner was always uncomfortable and silent and tonight was no different. I had no idea how to talk to any adult especially my parents. I had nothing worth saying to them. Anything I said to my dad always resulting in him beating me. My mom was the worst conservationist in the world. I wanted to tell my mom that I was gay but it would kill her. I would ruin the perfect son image. She would eventually come around to it, I knew she would. I just didn't know how long it would take. Maybe I would wait until college. It was going to be a long two years then. I sighed out loud.

"What's wrong?" Mom asked, hazel eyes concerned.

"Oh, I just have a lot of schoolwork and was thinking about my essay." I lied. Lying didn't phase me anymore. My whole life was lying. I hated it so much. It made me angry. I was angry all the time now and that made me angry. It was a never ending ruthless cycle. Every day I walked around with a big ball of hate and anger towards myself. I couldn't get rid of it. No matter what I did.

"What class is your essay for?" Mom asked.

"English." I said, being brought back to life.

"When is it due?" She asked.

"Next class." I said.

"How far are you along on it?" Mom asked.

"I'm almost done." I said, truthfully. We didn't talk the rest of dinner. "Here Mom. I got it." I said, taking her plate away from her.

"Are you sure, Spencer?" Mom asked, as I put the dishes in the sink. I turned around and said," Yes, Mom. Go relax." She just smiled and went into the living room. That was the first time she had ever listened to me. It was almost seven when I was finished with cleaning up.

"Alright, Mom. I got to go pick up Casey. I'll be back by curfew." I said, getting ready to leave.

"Bye, Spencer. Love you." Mom said, looking up from her knitting.

"Bye. Love you." I said and left. Ten minutes later, I was driving Casey's car to the drive-in. She had her hand on my thigh and moved higher the closer we got to the drive-in. My heart started pounding as fear climbed inside me. I didn't want to do this tonight. I didn't think I could pretend. I mentally shook myself and told myself, Spencer it's too late to back out now so suck it up.

"Hey, baby. What movie is playing tonight?" I asked, uncomfortable.

"Umm... I actually don't know. I thought we could do something else besides watch." Casey said, touching my inner thigh. I felt dirty being touched there by her.

"Yeah that sounds...great." I lied. I pulled into the drive in, and parked in the back. Surprisingly, there were lots of other people there too. As soon as I parked, her lips kissed my neck. I froze up but slowly loosened up to not show my discomfort. Her smooth, soft lips traveled to mine. Even though my mouth was closed, her tongue snaked its way through my lips. I groaned mentally. It was weird and wet, but Casey seemed to enjoy it. If I was completely lying her then I was going to give her almost anything she wanted. She took my hand and placed it on her breast. My hand laid there awkwardly, unsure of what to do. She pulled away.

"Spencer, do you need an engraved invitation?" She asked, partially annoyed. I sat there confused." Put your hands under my shirt."

"Oh." I said, nervously.

"Yeah, you silly goose." Casey laughed and went back to kissing me. Here goes nothing, I thought to myself as my hands went up her shirt and into her bra. Her breast was warm and soft but I felt nothing until my zipper went down. I opened my eyes wide in shock. Then her soft hands fondle me. I pulled away. I wasn't going to give her that.

"What you don't like that?" She asked. I was confused. This was Casey Hall. The sweet girl from church but this girl was trying to get into my pants.

"You're going to regret this. "I told her, scared. She looked confused this time.

"I think I'll decide that for myself." She said, rubbing me harder. My eyes widen.

"No, think about church. Don't you want to wait for when it's special?" I asked, begging God to help me.

"Why are you freaking out?" She asked, getting mad.

"I don't want to do this," I blurted out, pushing her hand from me. I zipped myself back up. " I...uh...want to wait for marriage,". Yes, that was a good lie. It didn't make me appear gay or like a dick. I looked like a good Christian boy that wanted to remain pure. Much better than the reality.

"Fine then take me back home." She said, angry. I nodded and started the car back up. I drove her back home. The whole way back I tried to think of something to tell her so she wouldn't be so mad and hurt. What could I say? That I'm just using you so that no one would think that I'm gay. I didn't see that going over too well. I just sighed, sticking with my original church excuse and continued to drive her home.

"Bye, Casey." I said, walking her up to her door. I could tell she was hurt that I didn't want her. I almost told her that it wasn't her fault but I didn't think I could explain it to her without too many questions being asked.

"Bye." She said and went into her house without looking at me. I sighed and walked home. It started to rain while I was walking. I was completely soaked by the time I got home. Unfortunately my dad was home too.

"What are you doing home early?" Mom asked as I walked in.

"Casey got sick." I lied. I would pay for that one later when they found she was completely fine but by then I would think of a better lie.

"Aw poor thing. We'll go by tomorrow and visit her." She said,

"Yeah." I said, planning on telling her that she was better tomorrow. "I'm going to work on my essay." I started to head to my room, surprised Dad hadn't said a word to me yet.

"You're tracking mud all over the house." Dad said, getting up. Damn, too soon. He had found his reason to hit me tonight.

"I'm sorry sir. I'll clean it up," I said, trying to save myself but it was too late. He punched me three times in the stomach and threw me into the door.

"You see how hard we both work for you but then you act like such a disgrace." Dad yelled. I wanted to cry but then he would hit me harder and sometimes he wouldn't stop until I was moments away from unconsciousness.

"I'm sorry." I repeated over and over again in between blows. Then he finally stopped, I lay, panting on the ground. I looked up at my mom to see if maybe for once she would say something. No. She was sitting and knitting acting as if nothing was happening. I looked back down unable to bear the sight.

"Get up and get out of my sight." He yelled. I ran out as fast I could and into my room I started to get undressed and changed into boxers. I saw my porn magazine hidden at the bottom of underwear drawer. Almost instantly I became horny. I locked my door and flopped onto my bed. I flipped through the pages until I got hard. I started stroking myself, being careful not to make any noise. I came everywhere but I didn't care. I was going to ride my orgasm until the shame washed in. Shame filled my pores, making me hate myself even more. Tears stung my eyes. I felt like disgusting filth. I was a disgrace. I deserved what I got from my dad.

"Lord, please make this end." I prayed, crying. I didn't want to be gay. I didn't want to live a lie. I didn't want to be abused by my dad again. I didn't want to spend another night, crying and praying. I didn't want to be alive anymore. I felt so dirty and worthless. No matter how hard I prayed they never went away, so I started praying more often and harder. This happened every night ended with for the past four years, and every night ended with wishing I was dead. Tonight ended just the same.

The picture on the side is of Spencer!

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