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Harry’s POV

“Hi mum. It’s been a while. So, dad found out I was gay, and he kicked me out. I met this guy though. He’s actually our new neighbour. He moved in just after the accident. He’s so beautiful mum. He has these piercing blue eyes, and bleach blond hair, and a smile to die for. But mum, he has agoraphobia. He’s such a nice guy though. He said that I help him calm down. We started dating two months ago and he took me in after dad kicked me out. He’s been so lovely. He makes me happy. Our first date, he took me to a fancy restaurant and then we went to the park and he sang one of his songs to me in a gazebo. It was beautiful. I really like him mum. He is an adult. He's twenty three. But he's so considerate of me. Last week, he rang me and he was freaking out. I was at school and he knew that so him ringing me when I was at school, showed me it was important. Lou took me to find him and he was in a alley, curled up on the ground. He had gotten lost and being an agoraphobic, he was terrified. When we were in the car on the way back to his house, he was clinging to me like his life depended on it. I knew it would happen eventually. I made a huge mistake mum. I feel hopeless and miserable. I yelled at him, telling him I don't deserve any of this. He told me he loves me and I said it meant nothing, but I swear hearing those words come from him made my entire world light up. I love him mum. I do. But I left him. He’s been alone for so long, feeling unloved and I was the person that lit up his world and I just left. I feel terrible. But mum, I was scared. I’ve already lost you, and Gemma, I cant lose him too. If he got in trouble and no one can help him, then I might really lose him. I can’t lose someone else. But Liam texted me a photo of Niall and he looks more miserable than ever. He has OCD and he’s surrounded by dirty dishes, takeout boxes and he's wearing dirty, creased clothes. That’s so abnormal of him. And it’s my fault. I keep trying to push all my feelings away but it’s not working. I don't know what to do. I can’t lose another person in my life and I just can’t live without him. I’ve broken him. I don't know what to do. I wiped the few tears that had fallen and stared at the grey stone. 

“I’ve been an asshole. I wish you were here to help me. I’m too scared to ask one of the boys for help. None of them will really talk to me anyway because they hate me. I don't blame them either. I hate myself too. I want to go and see him but I’m afraid that he’ll refuse to see me or talk to me or even just listen to me. I’m just a wimp. Aren't I? I don't know what I'm doing. I kept implying that he chose to be like this. I know that’s not true. I know that he has a sickness. He has panic attacks a lot too. But when he sings and the way he plays guitar, it’s amazing mum. His songs are so deep and meaningful. I got bashed two months ago and the way he took care of me, it was just amazing. I don't think I could be happier with anyone else. I just need to true him. I could see the hurt in his eyes when I didn't say I love him back. I know he meant it. I know he really loves me. I wish I said it back. I do. I love him. I love him so much. I want to see him, but I don't know if I can handle it. I don't know if I can handle seeing him in that state and knowing it was my fault. But now I'm being selfish again. I’m so selfish. I actually cant believe myself right now. I can’t even imagine how Niall feels right now. He’s all I have left. I miss you, I miss you so so much mum. I really wish you could meet Niall. I should go now. I’ll go and see him. I know it could not end well at all, but I'm going to at least try. I need to see him again. I’ll come back as soon as I can. I promise. I love you”. I stood up, brushing the snow off my black jeans and put the flower down on her grave. 

I’m so nervous to see Niall. I have that feeling in my stomach like something is flying around. It’s not an uncomfortable feeling. I also feel slightly weak. Just the thought of being near him gets my knees all shaky. But knowing I’ll be seeing how broken he is, that will be so much harder. Here I go again. I’m being fucking selfish. Why cant I be fucking considerate just for a few fucking minutes!? It can’t be that hard. 

“What the hell are you doing here!?” I gulped as Liam glared at me.

“I’m here to see Niall”.

“So now you care? Do you even know what you’ve done!?” I pushed him aside and walked into the lounge room, gasping as I saw Niall staring at the white wall, in dirty clothes looking completely zoned out. I noticed the towels that had red blotches on them and rushed over to him. 

“Niall?” I sat beside him but he made no movement. “Ni?”

“He’s been like that for the past four hours”.

“What happened?”

“What happened!? He was going to try and kill himself Harry! And it’s all because of you! He made one little mistake and you knew it would happen yet you just walked away and instantly gave up on him without a fight! You hurt him!”

“I know”. He tried to kill himself? I have that kind of affect on him!? I’m so fucking stupid. “Can I please be alone with him?”

“Can I trust you?” He looked at me skeptically and I nodded.

“Yes Liam”. He hesitantly left the room and I let out a breath. “I’m so sorry”. I closed my eyes and leaned back on the couch. “I should never have left. I’m so selfish. I'm afraid of losing someone again. After losing my mum and my sister, I felt as though I couldn't lose another person, ever. And the thought of losing you, it scared me. It scared me to death. I can’t even imagine how scared you were”. I looked over to him hesitantly and noticed a few tears that were slowly falling down his puffed cheeks. “I’ll tell you the truth, when you said you loved me, my entire world lit up. I actually forgot about everything for a second. But then I thought about losing you again. If you got in trouble and I lost you, I just couldn't handle it Niall. But, I couldn't bring myself to say anything either. I’m so sorry Niall. But, I love you too”. I looked to him again to be met with his pale blue eyes. They looked so dull. “Every single cruel and horrible word I said to you meant absolutely nothing. I didn't mean any of it. You are the most caring, loving and wonderful person I have ever met. I couldn't even imagine my life without you. I love you Ni”.

“Y-You love me?” I then noticed how small and vulnerable he looked. He has his legs pulled up to his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around them, his eyes with with shock and dark bags under them. I nodded. 

“I do. I love you so much”.

“Why?” I frowned.

“Why what?”

“Why do you love me?”

“Okay, I’ll tell you. Being with you, takes me on a magical trip daily. There’s never a dull time when I’m with you. Every second, minute, hour, day spent with you is spent in happiness. I love you so much, words can’t even explain how much I love you, my love for you is infinite. I love you for the man you are, I love you for the things you do, I love you for the things you say. But most of all I love you because you would never hurt me and I know that” I kept my eyes locked with his in hope that those words were enough for him.

“Are you serious?” I nodded. I took his wrist in my hand and turned his arm around.

“Now, please never do this again”. He nodded and I smiled slightly. “I love you”.

“Say it again”. I chuckled lightly. 

“I love you”. He moved closer to me and pressed his nose against mine.

“Again”.

“I love you”. I pressed my lips to his, both of up smiling in the kiss. 

“That’s the first time anyone has ever said that to me”. I pulled away and frowned. 

“Really?” He nodded. “What about your parents?”

“I don't remember them. I grew up in an orphanage”. 

“What? What about…Didnt you get adopted? Or past relationships?”

“No one ever liked me, and guys only used me”. 

“No one has ever loved you?” He shook his head. “Oh my god Ni, I’m so sorry” I pulled him into my side and hugged him tightly. “How many times have you been emotionally hurt?” I felt my guilt building up and I watched him. 

“Six, maybe seven”. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry”.

“Harry, please stop saying sorry”, 

“Niall look at you! I caused this! All you've felt is pain all your life and I just cause more of it!” He put his hand on my arm and smiled to me slightly. 

“Harry, it’s okay”.

“Is everything okay?” Niall looked up, still smiling. 

“Yeah, thanks Liam”.

“Alright, I'm going to go now. Call me if you need anything”.

“Okay, bye Liam”. The front door closed and I looked back to Niall. 

“Do you want to take a shower and I’ll clean up in here?” He nodded.

“Okay” I kissed him before he stood up. 

“I love you”. He smiled a little wider. 

“I love you too” I watched at he walked up the stairs and I began cleaning his house more. I'm guessing Liam started but didn't get to finish. I can’t believe there wasn't one person who loved Niall. I just don't understand. Who couldn't love him? I feel so terrible that I caused him all that pain. It pains me to see him in this state. I know it’s all my fault though. I know I messed up. I shouldn't have ever left him. I’m an idiot. “Haz?”

“Kitchen!” I turned to face him and frowned as he was in tracksuit pants and a t-shirt again. Why does he always cover his body? I have never seen him shirtless or just in boxers. I really just want to know why. I mean, he’s seen me completely naked and all I've seen are his arms? “Are you tired?” He nodded shyly. 

“Yeah. Really tired”. I nodded and turned all the lights off, holding his hand in mine as we walked up the stairs. We went to his room and I pulled my clothes, leaving myself in my boxers and getting into bed next to him. I pulled him close to me and kissed his neck lightly. 

“Ni?” He hummed. “Why don't you ever take your t-shirt off?” I felt him tense slightly and frowned. “You know I think you're beautiful, don't you? I would never judge you”. He turned around in my hold and looked down to his hands. 

“I know”.

“You don't need to be shy around me”. He stayed silent. “What is it?”

“It’s just…I…it’s….it’s nothing”. I frowned.

“Hey”. I held his chin in my hand and lifted his gaze. “You can tell me anything”.

“In…in the orphanage…”

“It’s okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to”. He shook his head. 

“No. In the orphanage, they used to hit us with wooden spoons and belts. My first friend…before he got adopted…we…we got it the most. They just kept telling us that….that our parents just couldn't deal with us because we were stupid and naughty. That we deserved all of it. Harry, your body is flawless…mine is scarred, scrawny and disgusting”.

“Show me?” I ignored his last sentence. He nodded slightly and turned around, puling his t-shirt up to reveal his back to me. I kept from gasping as I examined the scars that covered his back. I leant down and lightly traced them with my finger, pressing soft kisses to his skin. I pushed away my horny teenage side and continued to softly kiss along his back. I pulled his top off completely, turning him so he was lying on his back. There were more scars on his chest but not as many. I softly kissed them too and moved up to softly kiss his lips. “I love you”.

“Still?” I frowned at him.

“Of course! Nothing changes how I feel about you baby”.

“But-”

“You’re perfect and I love you”. I pulled him to me and he rested his head on my chest. 

“I love you too”. 

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