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Vic

I drop my keys on the counter as I place the groceries down. I take note that Kellin's not in the living room so he must be upstairs. I hope he hasn't fallen asleep already. I really want to hear about this day. Funnily enough, the best part of my day is always hearing about his day. Even when we're together the entire day, I like to hear it all from his perspective.

I quickly put the groceries away and head upstairs. Thankfully our bedroom light is on, indicating that he's still awake.

I reach our room and stop at the doorway as I find my fiance, headphones on blasting music, completely out of it as he writes in a notebook.

What really stands out though is his clothes, or more so his lack there of. He's wearing nothing but his boxers and he looks so hot. But he's definitely breaking a rule. Both of us have to be clothed in bed at all times, for obvious reasons.

I get lost, staring at my attractive fiance, and thinking about those obvious reasons. I've been thinking about sex a lot lately, actually. And I know Kellin and I agreed that we were going to finally do it on our wedding night, but there's something that makes me hesitant about that. And not in the sense that I want to wait longer, I actually want to do it beforehand. And that is the fact of Kellin's virginity, or more so his lack there of.

Kellin and I made a vow when we were teenagers that we would stay abstinent until marriage so we wouldn't give ourselves to the wrong person. I liked the pact, but it was mostly for Kellin, to make him feel more at ease about his parents' failed relationship.

It was important to Kellin. And that's why I want to lose my virginity before our wedding day. Because Kellin doesn't get that chance. He didn't make it the whole way, which wasn't his fault. And I feel like it would be wrong of me to enter into this marriage, completing something which was essentially Kellin's vow, without him.

Kellin finally notices me and smiles as he removes his headphones.

"What are you doing?" I ask, just looking at him adoringly. He's so cute.

"Writing vows." he grins, then he snaps the notebook shut as he bites his lip.

I walk into the room and sit next to Kellin on the bed.

"You seem to be in a good mood." I comment.

"I found a suit!" he practically squeals, seeming like he was bursting to tell me.

"Oh baby, that's great." I grin, thrilled that he's found something he likes.

"Right? I'm so happy!" he beams.

I cup his cheek, feeling myself somehow fall more in love with him. He's so goddamn beautiful when he smiles.

I lean forward and kiss him. Kellin pulls away after the short kiss but I pull him back and kiss him again. I hold his face in my hands and kiss him a little more sensually. He kisses back, seeming hesitant but eager.

I run my tongue along his bottom lip and that's when he pulls away again.

"We have a 'no making out' rule, remember?" he murmurs, although his eyes are still closed and he doesn't seem too serious.

"We also have a 'wear clothes in bed' rule." I point out.

He grins and blushes, guiltily.

"I know, but it's hot in here tonight–"

I cut him off and kiss him again.

"You're hot tonight." I whisper, then pull his lips back to mine.

He doesn't fight or protest so I go back to kissing him slowly and sensually. I slide my tongue over his lip again and this time he lets me slip it in his mouth. The kiss deepens as Kellin's tongue begins sliding over mine.

I place my hand on his bare thigh which makes him pull back again.

"We really need to stop, Vic." he breathes.

His eyes flicker open and meet mine. He seems serious.

"I want to make love to you." I whisper, rubbing his thigh very softly.

He looks confused.

"The wedding isn't until next week." he says.

"I know." I whisper, pushing his hair off his neck so I can lean in and kiss it. "But why wait?"

"Because of the vow." he chuckles, just sounding confused.

"The whole point of making the vow was to make sure we ended up with the right person. I know for a fact that you're the one." I tell him, leaning in to kiss his collarbone

He pushes me back and I notice he's frowning.

"This is your virginity, Vic. It's special. I want you to wait." he tells me.

I sigh deeply, feeling stupid.

"But what about your virginity?" I say quietly.

He just smiles sadly and looks down at his hands.

"I want my first time," he swallows. "with you to be special. I want to wait until after the wedding."

"Okay." I nod, respecting his wishes.

I go to move away from him but he grabs the back of my neck.

"But in saying that," he begins, smiling coyly. "There is a little loophole, if you're interested."

I'm confused.

"Loophole? What loophole?" I ask.

"Well, I mean," he runs his index finger along my chest and watches it as he does so. "we don't have to have sex. But there's other things we could do."

He briefly glances at me then glances back down.

It takes me a second to understand but when I do, I'm both flustered and excited.

"O-oh, really? You want to do that?" I ask eagerly.

He smirks, and looks down at my lips.

"Absolutely. You made the mistake of reminding me what it's like to make out with you." he murmurs.

"I'd hardly call that a mistake." I chuckle lowly.

Kellin rolls his eyes and then presses his lips to mine. The kiss is slow and carnal but it isn't quite satisfying. I want to speed things up, I want to push Kellin down on the bed and remove the thin fabric that is the only thing separating me from his bare flesh. I want to make him feel good, I want to release this tightening in my jeans, god, I want to get out of these jeans.

But what I want is not important to me right now. This happens on Kellin's terms, how he's comfortable, how he wants it.

Because I'm happy as long as he's happy.

He pulls from the kiss briefly, then he places a hand on my chest and pushes me to the mattress. He climbs on top of me and I immediately feel my boner pushing hard against my jeans and into Kellins thigh. I'm embarrassed by how turned on I got so quickly.

Kellin doesn't mention it though. He doesn't seem bothered by it one bit.

His lips push back to mine and the kiss is a little more eager and a little more passionate. My fingers brush through his hair and his begin to crawl under my shirt. He pushes it up a bit, then he sits up, straddling me.

We pause for a second to catch our breath so I take the time to admire him. He's so perfect, and sometimes that worries me, because he's definitely out of my league. But I know he truly does love me, I'm not quite sure why, but he does.

I sit up and Kellin falls into my lap. I can feel him hard against me now and it makes me incredibly nervous. I've been thinking about this for years, but now that it's finally happening, I'm a little overwhelmed.

Kellin leans forward and kisses me everso gently then takes the hem of my shirt. He pulls it up so I lift my arms above my head and he takes it off.

"You okay?" he asks me, softly.

"Yeah, yeah," I answer, feeling myself get pulled back into the moment. "Just...a little overstimulated."

"Do you want to stop?" he asks worried.

"No, no, god no." I grin, kissing his collarbone softly. "You're so beautiful. I feel like I don't tell you that enough."

"Babe," he giggles. "you tell me that every day."

"Exactly." I chuckle, moving my lips to his neck.

He smiles at me, a sparky lust in his eyes.

"Take your jeans off." he murmurs, pecking my lips.

He climbs off me and falls down onto the bed, elevating himself with his elbows. God, he looks so gorgeous. And hot. So hot.

I stand up and shuffle out of my jeans while he watches, seeming to enjoy himself.

"What now?" I blush.

He beckons me to come to him with his index finger. So I climb onto the bed and crawl on top of him. I now can feel myself pressing against him, and it's exhilarating.

He captures my lips again and this time, the kiss is desperate and feverish. I feel him push his hips up against me so I grind down on him. His lips leave mine to let a little moan escape, and that single little noise sends shock waves through me.

"Oh god," I breathe, moving my lips to his neck. "Do that again."

He let's out a breathy laugh which just lights up my world.

I could tell him a thousand times and this boy still wouldn't know how much I love him.

My lips travel further down his neck and linger on his collarbone.

"I love you so much." Kellin mumbles.

I stop kissing him and look at him, grinning stupidly.

"Do you?" I tease.

He looks down at me, his eyes softening. He touches the side of my face then pushes his fingers through my hair.

"I can't wait to marry you." he whispers.

I just grin and kiss his chest.

I shuffle down and sit up, maneuvering my way in between his thighs. I then run my finger around the waistband of his boxers, eager to remove them.

"Is it okay if I take these off?" I ask him softly.

He nods quickly but I see a flash of uncertainty in his eyes.

"Are you sure? You don't seem so enthusiastic." I frown, just worried about him.

"I am." he assures me. "I'm just a little shy, I guess."

The blush on his cheeks has me swooning.

I take his hand and gently place a kiss on it.

"I already think you're the most beautiful person on this planet, and nothing is going to change that. So don't be shy, okay?" I tell him.

"Okay," he grins, seemingly feeling better about the situation.

"Yeah? So this is okay?" I ask to clarify.

"Yeah." he beams, nodding.

Now with his permission, I tug off his boxers, leaving him completely naked. I find myself instantly breathless, as I take in the beauty of my very-soon-to-be husband as a whole. To see him so exposed, so vulnerable, and yet so comfortable around me is just so beautiful.

"Now you." Kellin murmurs, biting back a grin as he looks down at me.

I get a pang of nervousness and realise this must have been what Kellin was feeling a minute ago.

But I push past that, like Kellin did, and take my boxers off.

There's a brief silence then Kellin sighs.

"Wow." he breathes, falling down onto his pillow.

"Wow?" I chuckle, confused and blushing.

"Mhm." he hums. "Come here."

I hook my hands under his thighs, lifting them and separating them. I manouveur my way between them, and hover above my fiance, smiling down at him as I await my next instructions.

"I love you." he whispers, his beautiful eyes twinkling up at me.

I kiss his nose softly, which causes blush to flood his cheeks. My god, he's so cute.

"I love you too." I murmur softly.

He places his hand on my cheek, caressing it softly, then he moves his hand to my chest. He pushes me off him and I land beside him on the bed.

His eyes turn dark and playful as he rolls onto his side. He grabs my cheek again then leans forward and kisses me, passionately and desperately, the way I've been dying to be kissed. I place my hand on his bare waist and kiss him back with just as much neediness.

He shuffles closer to me, as close as he can get, pressing himself against me. It sends shivers throughout my entire body, and to one part in particular.

"Vic," Kellin whimpers softly, against my lips.

I know exactly what he wants, and I'm so willing to give it to him.

I take his erection in my hand and he let's out a little gasp. I watch him as I begin sliding my hand along his shaft. His eyes are closed and his forehead is creased, and he's just so beautiful.

"Mm, babe, a little faster please." he whimpers.

I let go of him for a second so I can spit in my palm to lubricate it, then I take hold of his shaft again. I stroke him quickly and listen to his heavy breathing.

He pushes his lips to mine and kisses me through heavy breaths, then he surprises me by taking my shaft in his palm. I shift slightly so he has room to stroke me while I stroke him and soon enough, we're both breathing erratically.

I'm forced to stop kissing Kellin as I'm too out of breath so I resort to just admiring him. His eyes are closed in pleasure and his mouth is open slightly. It's almost amazing that I've known him for eleven years now and I'm now seeing him in a completely different way right now.

"Does that feel good?" he murmurs against my lips.

"Mhm." I hum, unsure if I'm able to formulate coherent words anymore.

"Good." he grins before he leans in and kisses me once again.

His eyes flutter open as he reaches down with his free hand and takes my wrist, halting me from stroking him. He pries my hand away and shuffles a little closer to me as he goes back to touching me.

Now without the distraction of touching Kellin, I become more focused on the slowly building pressure between my hips.

He stops touching me for a second to lubricate his hand, giving me a moment to catch my breath. But when he recommences, he begins jerking me a lot faster. I let out a soft groan and I bury my face into his neck.

"Fuck, Kells." I whimper.

He let's a small chuckle that is filled with nothing but love.

"Are you close?" he purrs in my ear.

"Mm." I nod.

"Am I touching you okay?" he asks softly.

"Mm. Perfect." I mumble, between my fast and heavy breaths.

The pressure feels like it is close to reaching its peak and I'm in complete elation.

In this moment, I feel like putty in Kellin's hand, both figuratively and almost in a literal sense. I'm completely complaisant to him right now, lost in him. He's everything to me. He feels like warmth on a winter day, like a sip of coffee in the morning, like the longest, tightest hug. I don't know who I'd be without him.

The pressure builds and builds until it can't anymore, then my stomach clenches and pleasure racks my entire body as I finish.

I bury my face more into Kellin's neck, grunting and groaning as I wait for the paralysing ecstasy to wear off.

Kellin releases his grip around my shaft and brings his hand to my chest, feeling it heave up and down as I try to catch my breath.

"That was so beautiful." he tells me, with a tone of love.

I pull back from him so I can see his face. He's staring at me, a look of wonder in his eyes.

I brush some hair off his cheek then kiss it delicately. I then take his length in my palm that has sweated enough to lubricate it.

Kellin starts breathing heavily as I pump his length.

"That feels nice." he whispers.

That makes me smile. All I want is for him to feel good. 

I flick my wrist faster and gently kiss his nose.

"You're so gorgeous." I tell him softly.

A soft moan leaves his lips as he rests his forehead against my chest.

"And sexy." I add with a smirk.

He brings his hand to my bicep and grips it tightly.

"Keep, k-keep talking." he stammers.

"I love you." I remind him. "Your smile, your eyes, your intelligence, your kindness, your body."

I grab his thigh and he let's out a sexy groan.

"God, you turn me on." I breathe.

"Vic," he whimpers.

"You okay?" I ask quickly.

"Mm, close." he mutters.

I smile down at him adoringly. I don't think I could love anything the way I love him.

I lift his chin up, taking his forehead off my chest. Then I kiss him. He breathes heavily out of his nose and tries to kiss back, but he's distracted and his kiss is sloppy.

He suddenly lets our the sexiest groan as he bites down on my lip, simultaneously finishing all over both our stomachs. I continue to stroke him until I'm convinced he's done then I bring my hand up to his hip, just holding him close to me.

"Fuck." he says breathlessly, pulling away from my lips and resting his head back against my chest.

I rub his back softly as he catches his breath.

He then lets out a beautiful, soft giggle.

"What?" I chuckle lowly, brushing some hair off his flushed cheek.

"Nothing. That was just, a lot of fun." he sighs dreamily.

He looks up at me then leans in and kisses my nose.

I smile tiredly at his sweet gesture, exhausted, not only from fooling around but also the long day of wedding planning.

He suddenly reaches over me, pressing himself against me as he does. I suddenly become very aware of how odd it is to be laying here with Kellin, completely naked. It's new to me, and it's strange, but at the same time, it's pure bliss. I've never felt more comfortable being so vulnerable.

Kellin grabs a few tissues from my nightstand and hands a bunch to me. I begin cleaning myself off and Kellin does the same, blushing furiously as he does so.

He then tosses the soiled tissue to the side and settles back in my arms. He lets out a content little sigh and a smile forms on his beautiful cheeks.

I hold him, just staring at him as he fiddles with my fingers and stares at the calendar that hangs on the crisp white wall in front of our bed, seemingly in thought. Our wedding date is circled in bright red marker. I can't wait.

I'm content with just admiring Kellin in comfortable silence for the next few minutes, until there's a sudden shift in the atmosphere. The silence doesn't feel comfortable anymore, Kellin is no longer playing with my fingers or smiling and his eyes have glazed over.

"What's the matter, Kells?" I ask softly.

He seems a little shaken as I snap him out of his thoughts.

He forces a smile and shakes his head slightly.

"Nothing." he says softly.

I can't help but to frown. I hate when he tries to hide his pain.

"Come on," I say quietly. "you can tell me."

"It's not important." Kellin sighs, finally admitting that something is wrong.

"It is to me. Why don't we go get ready for bed, then you can talk to me?" I suggest.

Kellin gives in and nods so we get out of bed. We both go over to our drawers and put some boxers on before heading into the bathroom.

Kellin and I silently brush our teeth. I watch him, noticing him drift off into thought again.

I hate seeing him not smile. I really really hate it. So I lean over to him, a mouth full off frothy toothpaste and sloppily kiss his cheek.

He let's out an adorable shriek as he pushes me away.

"Oh my god, you're so gross." he whines, after spitting out his own toothpaste.

I laugh and spit the toothpaste into the sink before turning the facet on to wash it down.

"You love me." I grin at Kellin as he wipes down his cheek with the handtowel.

He smirks and rolls his eyes, then he slides his arms around my middle.

I wrap my arms back around him and hold him close to me.

"Why do you even wear a shirt?" he mumbles. "You're so sexy. You don't need one."

I chuckle and blush at his compliment.

"Well if I never wore a shirt then you would be constantly turned on by my sexiness and that would be a problem." I joke.

Kellin snorts.

"Yeah, that's already a reality, babe." he mumbles, his cheeks tinting red.

That gets me a giddy and flattered. Despite the fact that I just got primary evidence that I turn Kellin on, him saying it really exhilarates me. Just the confirmation that I make him feel how he makes me feel really excites me.

"Why don't you go get into bed and I'll lock up, okay?" I suggest.

"You didn't lock the door when you got in?" he says a little anxiously.

I sigh softly, dishearteneded by his obvious fear.

"I usually don't. Would it make you more comfortable if I did?" I ask him.

He looks a little ashamed as he nods.

"It's just safer." he murmurs.

"Of course." I agree in hopes to reassure him.

I kiss his minty-fresh lips and then head out the bathroom and downstairs. I lock the front door and set the security system for the night, then I turn all the lights off before heading back upstairs.

I find Kellin now in bed, staring up at the ceiling. I close the door and flick the light switch, then join him. He smiles sadly at me through the dim light. I don't think he intended the sadness but it's hard not notice.

I pull him into my arms and he closes his eyes, resting his head against my chest.

"Talk to me." I say gently.

"You don't want to hear it." he sighs. "It's stupid. I'm being stupid, as always."

His self-deprication breaks my heart.

"I do want to hear it. I really do. You're not being stupid. You never are." I assure him.

"I am. I just freaked out because you don't lock the door everytime you use it. That's stupid. We live in a safe neighborhood. You don't need to lock the door." he mutters.

"That's not stupid, Kells. Being cautious is never a bad thing. Now, tell me what's on your mind."

He sighs and I notice his grip around my waist tightens a little.

"It's been over a year since it all happened. It's been exactly a year since I tried to kill myself." he whispers.

I flinch at the mention of his suicide attempt then do the math in my head then look to the calendar on the wall. He's right. Today marks one year.

"It's been a over a year, Vic. Why does it still hurt?" he sniffs.

I sigh softly and kiss his forehead lovingly.

"Oh Kells." I whisper. "It's going to hurt. And that sucks. But it's normal. I don't know how long it will hurt for but I promise you it won't be forever. You're healing everyday. I wish for your sake that it would happen faster but these things need time."

"I just...I have so much baggage. I feel like such a burden." he admits.

"To me?" I question confused.

"Yeah. But it's not just you. It's everyone." he murmurs.

"Explain." I urge.

He goes silent so I give him time to collect his thoughts. When he's ready, he takes a deep breath.

"About two months ago, Mike knocked on the door and I couldn't even answer it. I could barely breathe." he admits.

"I know." I say softly. "Mike told me. Mike was also very understanding." I tell Kellin.

"What about Jenna?" he chokes out. "I dragged her around a billion stores trying to find a suit because I was too anxious to make a decision. Then when I finally did make a decision, I had a meltdown at the checkout."

"You were stressed, Kells. Jenna knows that. And she loves you. She was there to support you and that's what she did." I explain.

He goes silent again and retracts his arms from around me. He shuffles himself away from me slightly and looks up at the ceiling.

"What if..." he whispers, then clears his throat.  "What if on our wedding night, I can't do it? What if I freak out?"

Shimmering tears flood his eyes and one slides down his cheek.

"Were you uncomfortable with what we did tonight?" I ask worried.

"No!" Kellin says quickly. "No, I wasn't. But...sex is a lot different. What if I'm not comfortable with that?"

"Kells, I don't want to do anything you don't want to do. It's okay. However we spend our wedding night is going to be special, because I'll be with you." I say softly.

He smiles a little and wipes his wet cheek.

"It's not that I don't want to. It's just that I don't know if I can." he sighs.

"That is completely fine with me, love." I assure him, taking his hand. "Whenever you're ready."

"What if I'm never ready?" he squeaks.

"Then I'll just have to find other ways to show you how much I love you." I smile.

"But–"

"Kells," I interrupt. "I think you're self-sabotaging. All these worries are what-ifs. You'll figure out how you feel. And whatever that is will be fine with me. You are not a burden to anyone, especially not me. My life is so much better with you in it, and that includes your baggage."

He moves back into my arms, sniffing his tears away as he does so.

"I wouldn't be marrying you if you were a burden to me." I explain.

A small smile filled with relief stretches across his cheeks.

"I'm sorry." he apologizes.

"Don't be. Ever." I murmur, kissing his forehead. "It's okay to worry, and it's okay to have doubts, just don't let it consume you."

He sniffs and places a delicate kiss on my chest.

"I know I keep saying this, but I seriously cannot wait to marry you." he whispers, smiling up at me.

I can't help but to grin at his words. God, he's so sweet.

"I can't wait to spend forever with you." I murmur.

He giggles a beautiful giggle then gently kisses my nose.

"We should get some rest." Kellin yawns.

"Did I tire you out?" I grin cockily.

"Definitely." he chuckles.

I smile softly at him then kiss his lips.

"You tired me out too." I admit.

Kellin flicks the lamp back off then I pull him back into my arms. I feel a sense of warmth, lying here with my bare skin pressed against his.

I hope he knows that once we're married, pyjamas are going to be a thing of the past.

I lay there, listening to Kellin's breathing as I consider saying goodnight to him. But I'm not ready yet. I just want to be with him for a little while longer. Just comfortable, and awake, and content in each other.

Unfortunately, Kellin makes it clear that I really did wear him out, as he begins snoring softly.

I kiss his forehead, filled with adoration as I admire my fiance, my soon to be husband, my lover, my everything.

I turn my gaze to the alarm clock on the TV stand at the end of our bed, ready to count the hours down until I fall asleep.

I don't know what I'd do without Kellin. In all honesty, I'd probably fall to pieces.

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