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There's going to be an epilogue!

--

Vic

There's an unwelcome nostalgia sitting on my chest as Kellin drives down familiar streets. All those months ago when I drove down these same roads, I had no idea the chaos that would follow, the mess I would create. If I could go back, I would have done things so differently. Now I hold onto so much regret, and I feel like I'm going to fall if I let it go.

"It's just up here on the right, the one with the white fence." I say softly to Kellin.

He silently pulls up in front of the house and shuts off the car. We sit in silence and both stare at the house. The garden is becoming overgrown, which for a moment makes me worry that Kylie no longer lives here, but then I notice the black jeep in the driveway. I remember all the times I got in that car, when we would go on dates, when Carter insisted on driving me to work, when we were wedding planning. It all sickens me now.

"You doing okay?" Kellin asks softly as he takes my hand.

I turn to him and meet his pained expression with one of my own. I don't have an answer for him.

"Are you?" I ask him softly.

His gaze falls. He doesn't respond either.

"You don't have to do this if you don't want to." I lull.

"I think I need to." he breathes, confliction in his eyes.

"Well, I've got you." I murmur, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze.

"I've got you too." He smiles, then he kisses me.

Our hands part as we exit the car, but are quick to reconnect as we walk side by side to the front door. My grip around Kellin's fingers gets tighter as I knock softly. The sound seems to startle Kellin who instinctively moves behind me. But not a moment later, he moves back to my side.

There's a tense couple of seconds as I listen to the footsteps approaching the door and the tension reaches its peak as the door swings open. Kylie doesn't seem surprised or confused to see us, honestly she just seems tired. She's in sweatpants and an oversized hoodie, her hair is in a messy bun and she lacks the general glow she held last time I saw her.

I don't know what to say and it seems neither does she as we stand in silence looking at each other. A minute goes by before she sighs and breaks the silence.

"Come in." she says softly, pushing the door out of the way.

We follow her into the house, closing the door behind us. She leads us into the same living room I sat in a few months ago. The room alone evokes a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Kellin stays close to my side, unbelievably tense. I feel bad for forcing him into this situation but I'm grateful he's here by my side.

We sit on the sofa and I take note of the boxes around the semi-empty room. She must be moving out. Thankfully I didn't put off coming here any longer. Kylie sits in the same chair Carter once sat in and stares blankly at Kellin and I.

"Uh, this is Kellin, my husband," I begin raspily. "Kells, this is Kylie."

Kellin forces an uncomfortable smile but Kylie barely acknowledges the introduction.

"How did you both know Carter?" she asks sharply. Kellin noticeably winces at the mention of the name.

I take a deep breath and hold Kellin's hand in my lap, rubbing his knuckles softly with my thumb.

"Carter and I were dating a bit over a year ago. We were nearly married at one point." I admit.

She seems confused but nods. "I didn't know he was into men. He never mentioned it."

"I imagine there's a lot you don't know about who Carter was. I still feel like I have no idea who he really was." I explain.

"I thought I knew him," she says softly. "but the more I go through his things, the less it all makes sense. I tried to get ahold of family, friends, anyone, for his funeral. But it's like he didn't have a life before I met him. Every number in his phone, beside yours and mine, was either out of service or no one would pick up."

"I can't imagine there were too many people close to Carter." Kellin mumbles softly.

I let go of his hand and slide my arm around his waist, holding him close to me.

"How did you know Carter?" Kylie frowns, turning her attention to my husband.

Kellin takes a breath and sinks into me.

"I was Vic's friend while they were dating." Kellin says. His voice shakes as he talks.

"Were you close with Carter?" she asks.

I save Kellin the stress of trying to answer that clusterfuck of a question by interrupting.

"Kylie, there are things about Carter that I don't think you want to know. Things that will change the way you think about him." I explain.

Her jaw clenches as she swallows dryly.

"I need to know why he took his own life. I knew he wasn't perfect. So just be honest with me, I can handle whatever you think I can't." she says stubbornly.

"He raped me." Kellin blurts out.

She looks at Kellin confused but doesn't say anything. The echoing silence is agonising. Kellin grips my knee tightly and I place my hand over his in support.

"He raped me multiple times while he was dating Vic. He was violent, and demanding, and manipulative. He threatened to kill me, he threatened to...to hurt Vic. I was scared so I didn't tell anybody."

Kellin pauses to compose his emotions.

"When Vic found out, Carter left town. I didn't see him again after that." he whispers.

Kylie doesn't respond. The only sound that fills the room is Kellin's fast and heavy breaths. He seems stressed but he's keeping himself together well. I kiss his shoulder softly, to remind him that I'm right here.

Kylie shakes her head slowly as anger takes over her face.

"No he wouldn't, he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't hurt a fly. That's bullshit." she snaps in disbelief.

Kellin starts trembling beside me and I can see him struggling to stay composed. Her words trigger a vicious anger within me that spews out into the living room.

"No, you don't get to do that! If you don't want to accept the truth, that's your problem, but you don't get to sit there and fucking call my husband a liar. He has been through enough without you diminishing his trauma. You wanted answers, he gave them to you. Now if you don't mind, we're leaving." I hiss, taking Kellin's wrist and standing up.

"No!" she exclaims, desperately. "Don't leave, please. I just, I just need a minute." she chokes out, then she hurries out of the room.

I turn to Kellin who seems relieved and calmer.

"Do you want to leave?" I ask him gently.

"Not yet," he whispers.

I nod and sit back down. I pull Kellin onto my lap and hold him tightly.

"Thank you." he whispers, kissing my cheek.

I just give him a sad smile and nod. A few minutes go by and Kylie still doesn't return. Kellin leans forward and takes the photo of Kylie and Carter from the coffee table. He stares at it, frowning anxiously.

"This is," he begins. I expect him to say something about the location of the picture, how the ice-cream parlour isn't far from our house, but he says something I wasn't expecting at all. "This is the shirt he wore, the first time he..."

He trails off and gulps as he places the photograph face-down back on the coffee table.

"You remember what he was wearing?" I ask surprised.

"What he was wearing, what I was wearing, what he smelt like, the sound my lamp made when he knocked it over and it broke. I remember that night more vividly than anything." he breathes.

I'm shocked and horrified. I was hoping that he had slowly but surely begun forgetting the details so that one day the whole ordeal might be a distant memory. I had no idea it was still so clear to him. But how was I to know? This is the most he's ever talked about it to me.

"I'm so sorry, Kells." I murmur.

"Its okay. I'm okay." he sighs. "It's just so weird to me that he had this whole other life, this whole other side to him. I always remember him as this monster, but he wasn't. He was human, just like anyone. He had hopes and dreams, thoughts and feelings, people he loved, people that loved him."

He pauses and looks down at his hands.

"Every morning, I wake up and I choose to be a good person, rarely consciously, but I still make those choices. I learned from my parents mistakes and chose to do differently. I'm not perfect, but I choose to act on my best feelings, I avoid hurting others at all cost. Carter had all the same choices, but he chose differently."

He takes my hand and kisses it softly.

"You haven't made the best decisions over the past few months, Vic, but I know that you always choose to be a good person. That's why I love you, and that's why you deserve to be here and Carter doesn't."

I lean forward and kiss his cheek softly, then I nuzzle my chin into his shoulder.

Kylie reenters the room, tear tracks down her face and something in her hand. She sits back across from us then places what looks like a pamphlet on the coffee table. She slides it over towards me.

"I found this last week." she sniffs.

I pick it up and scan over the brightly colored brochure. There's an image of people in hospital uniforms smiling and a title that reads 'Psychosexual and Mental Wellness Centre'. I flip through it, briefly reading about how they offer programs, psychiatry, counselling and in-patient care. I then hand it to Kellin who seems curious.

"He said he spent some time in a facility, got treatment." I explain.

"Do you think it helped?" she asks, unsurely.

"Well, you're testament to that. It must have done something. But he did seem to think that he was still dangerous. I think that's why he..." I trail off, hesitant to even mention Carter's suicide.

She nods in understanding and wipes a tear as it falls off her lash. She rubs her temple and looks to Kellin regretfully.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have accused you of lying. It just came as a shock to me."

"It's okay." Kellin nods. "It's a lot to process."

"He just seemed so," she sighs into her hands then wipes away another tear. "gentle. And harmless. Although, he did get weird in the bedroom sometimes. He'd grab me a little too hard or get frustrated momentarily, but he always apologized."

I notice Kellin shrink into himself a little bit more. This is no doubt uncomfortable for him.

Kylie sighs and leans back into her chair.

"I don't know how to feel about him now." she whispers. "What he's done is terrible, but I loved him, you know? And I only knew the best of him."

"It wasn't just me." Kellin butts in snappily. "There were others. I don't know who or how many but I wasn't the first and who's to say I was the last? He was really fucked up, I don't believe he would have lived out the rest of his life without hurting someone. Even when he was abusing me, he felt guilty, he had regrets, but he didn't stop because he couldn't control himself. I don't expect you to hate him, I don't expect you to understand, but I'm glad he's dead. He deserved to die."

A tense silence follows that. Kellin looks up at the ceiling, holding tears in his fiery eyes. I take his hand to comfort him but he immediately yanks it away.

"I'm going to get some air." he mutters, standing off of me and hurrying out of the room.

I'm eager to follow him, but I opt to give him some space for a moment. I meet Kylie's teary gaze and begin to question whether it was a good idea coming here. Maybe she would have been better off not knowing. Maybe I shouldn't have put Kellin through this.

"He's been through a lot." I whisper, clearing my throat.

"I can't imagine." she sighs. "But I can't help the way I felt about Carter."

"I know," I nod. "I didn't come here to make you hate him or to shame you for loving him. I specifically didn't want to tell you because I knew it would complicate your memories of him. I just wanted you to get some sort of closure and understanding of why he ended it and my role in the whole thing."

"If you knew what he did to Kellin, why did you come see him?" she asks confused.

I take a much needed breath as I recall that day.

"I wanted to convince him to turn himself in to the police. I wanted him to be punished, I wanted Kellin to feel safe, I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to be a danger to anyone else." I explain, blinking away rising tears. "I never meant for this to happen. As much as I hated him, I never wanted him to take his life. If I could take it all back, I would. I would have just left things alone."

She sighs and wipes a few tears from her cheeks. She looks off into the corner of the room and I stay quiet, giving her time to process.

"You have a big heart." she finally murmurs. "But I believe everything in the universe is balanced. Carter ruined a life, so the universe claimed his. Carter wasn't able to heal, and now Kellin can. I miss Carter so much but I think everything happened how it was supposed to."

She stands from her chair, seeming lighter than she was when we arrived. Her airiness and serenity takes a weight off my chest and I find that I can breathe a little easier for the first time since I got that terrible phone call.

"I'm going to need some time to really wrap my head around everything. Thank you for coming here." she says softly.

"Are you going to be okay?" I ask as I stand from the sofa.

She smiles sadly and nods.

"I think so. I guess I just have to move forward. No point in tripping on what's behind me." she breathes. "I hope you and Kellin can find peace."

I take her words with me as I leave her house. I find Kellin waiting for me by the car. He seems okay for the most part.

"You good?" he asks as we get into his car.

"Yeah," I smile, finding more truth in that answer than I have in a long time. "You?"

"Yep." he chirps and I can tell he means it too.

He starts the car and we begin driving forward down the road, heading home.

As Kellin taps his fingers to the soft music on the radio and the sun sets on the horizon, I find myself thinking of my tio. I'll never get the closure Kylie got, I'll never know the reason he felt the need to leave, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't move forward. It's what he would have wanted.

"What are you thinking?" Kellin asks softly, cutting through my thoughts.

I smile sadly and gaze at the colourful sky.

"I miss my tio." I admit. I've never said that aloud before but it's been prominent in my heart since I lost him.

"I know," Kellin whispers, reaching down and taking my hand. "but that's just proof of how much you love him."

"He was a great man." I smile fondly, twisting Kellin's wedding ring around his finger with my thumb.

"I bet he was. I'd like to hear some stories if you want to talk about him." Kellin says hopefully.

"Yeah, that would be nice," I smile.

I begin spilling out every fond memory I have of my uncle and Kellin listens attentively.

As I bring the man back to life with charming recounts of his legacy, I examine the faded scars along Kellin's arm. They're pale and glossy against his white skin but most people wouldn't notice them unless they were looking for them or the sun caught them in the right light. My scars were never this inconspicuous. Mine are obvious against my skin tone, and are probably going to be more obvious now that there will be more.

But looking at Kellin's scars, I can recognise that there's something beautiful about them. I remember the angry, red and bloody cuts that blanketed his skin while he was falling apart in front of me. Those painful, aching, oozing wounds have healed over since and the hurt is gone. It feels like a lifetime ago now, but some days the remembered pain is so fresh.

My cuts are destined to do the same. All cuts will turn into scars eventually, even the most brutal wounds, even the ones that need stitches. They all heal, it always gets better. And some days, I'll look down at them and hate them for being there, and some days I'll forget they exist at all.

The universe is balanced as Kylie said. You make a cut, there is going to be a scar. And you can't undo it, so you can either spend your days filled with regret or you can learn to appreciate what they taught you; I'm learning that it is okay to do both.

I adore my beautiful husband, despite his scars, and I know he loves me despite mine. I just hope he sees the beauty in himself that I've always seen, and I hope to at least learn to accept the love he offers and maybe one day, I'll believe I'm deserving of it.

But until then, I'll be grateful that in all this chaos and in all this pain, I never lost my best friend, and he refused to lose me.

--

Epilogue coming soon! Apologies if there's a wait.

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