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It's a little long. Go pee, grab a snack, get comfy and enjoy!

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Vic

I'm completely elated as I whistle my way up to the house. I quickly push the doorbell then I push open the unlocked door.

"Oh there you are." Kellin sighs as he hurries to greet me.

He seems stressed which is honestly an uncommon occurrence these days.

"Is everything okay?" I ask worried.

"Yeah, I just didn't know where you were. I was worried—"

"Kell, I left you a note." I interrupt, turning around.

I find my note still taped to the door.

'Gone to the gym, love you xx'

I tear it off and hand it to my mortified husband.

"I somehow didn't see that." He murmurs with a small giggle.

"Why were you worried?" I frown, concerned that this has something to do with my suicide attempt 6 months ago. I thought he was past worrying about leaving me alone.

But he gives me big goofy eyes and bites back a matching grin.

"Come with me," he beams, taking my hand.

"Kell, you know I can't do that and frankly you're being insensitive." I joke with as much seriousness as I can muster up.

My husband looks the least bit impressed by my amazing sense of humour.

"Okay, one more cum joke out of you and we're getting a divorce." Kellin threatens, and I think he might actually be serious.

I laugh it off and let him lead me into the living room where there's a book sitting on the coffee table with an unmissable bright red ribbon tied around it.

Kellin sits me down on the sofa, picks up the book then passes it to me as he situates himself beside me.

It takes me a minute to even process the gold lettering across the crisp white cover.

'Our Perfect Wedding'.

"Is this the—oh my god, this is our—we finally got our wedding photos." I stammer out beyond excited.

"It only took nearly a year." Kellin chuckles sarcastically.

Kellin and I had come to the realisation a few months ago that our wedding photographer never actually sent us our photos and it turned out he lost our film while he was moving house. After a period of minor devastation, I more or less accepted the fact that our photos were gone and we'd never see them. But low and behold, here they are.

I excitedly pull the ribbon from over the album and turn to the first page. I immediately find myself blushing embarrassed at the photos of me standing at the end of the aisle, looking absolutely terrified.

"Wow, you look thrilled to be getting married to the love of your life." Kellin chuckles sarcastically. 

"I was so nervous." I admit.

"You were having second thoughts?" Kellin frowns, putting words in my mouth.

"No, no, not at all. I was worried that you weren't going to show up, that you were going to realize that you deserved better and bail." I explain.

Kellin takes my hand and kisses my cheek gently.

"You know that was never going to happen, right?" he asks concerned.

"Yeah, I know that now. You're, weirdly enough, quite in love with me." I assure him which makes him smile.

Kellin turns the page revealing photos of himself walking down the aisle and me watching him with the biggest smile on my face and the most love-sick look in my eyes. Kellin is absolutely glowing, and gorgeous. 

"We are so in love, it's kind of disgusting." I sigh in awe.

"Mm, agreed." Kellin beams, taking my cheek and kissing me softly.

We go through the rest of the album, revisiting one of the best days of my life, reminiscing about all our favourite moments. Eventually we reach the end. Kellin turns the final page and stuck to the back cover is an envelope with my name written on it—in Kellin's handwriting.

I look to my husband suspiciously but he's giving me his go-to innocent smile. I take the envelope and open it up. I pull out the contents, revealing two planes tickets. To paris. Tonight.

"I was worried we were going to miss our flight. You know I like to be at the airport early." Kellin sighs.

"Our flight? We're going to paris?" I ask in complete shock.

"Congrats Sherlock, you've solved the case." Kellin teases. 

"No seriously, you need to explain now. Are you we going to Paris? Tonight?" I grin getting excited.

"Surprise!" Kellin murmurs, sliding his arms around my neck.

"Holy shit! Kellin, what the fuck! This is so spontaneous." I gasp.

Kellin kisses me to calm me down.

"Actually, it wasn't very spontaneous at all. I've been planning this for nearly two months now. You know how I am." he chuckles.

"But why?" 

"Because we deserve a break, because I wanted to do something special for you, because you always have surprises for me, because I'm so proud of how well you've been doing, because I love you."

"I love you too." I coo, completely melting at his utter sweetness. "When are we leaving?"

"I want to be at the airport in an hour so get packing." he grins.

I kiss him one last time then hurry upstairs and start packing immediately, getting more and more excited as my suitcase gets fuller.

I'm enveloped by a strong sense of pride and love for my husband. If I'd asked Kellin to plan a whole international vacation a year ago, there's no way he'd get through it without a breakdown. Anything that required some pressure overwhelmed him so easily. So him surprising me with this trip just proves how far he's come.

My phone vibrates in my pocket so I pull it out, discovering it's a text from Jenna.

Jenna: Did he tell you yet?

I call her immediately.

"So? Did he tell you? Did he tell you?" Jenna yells excitedly into the phone without even a 'hello'.

"Yes, he told me. I am packing." I grin back.

"Ahhh, are you excited?" she squeals.

"Almost as much as you." I chuckle.

"I'm sorry, I've been sitting on this secret for two months now. You know I'm not good with secrets." she rambles.

"I know. You did so well. I had no idea." I beam.

"Did you scream? Did you cry? Did your jaw drop? Did you pee your pants a little?" she asks.

"Oh definitely peed my pants." I joke.

"I wish I could have been there." She says sadly. "Or at least be there to say goodbye before you leave."

"I think you have more pressing matters at hand. How is the appointment going by the way?" I grin, excited for some news.

"Still waiting on just some routine test results to come back. Then we should have the all clear. Tay's here, hold on, I'll put you on speaker." 

There's a brief shuffle then Tay says 'hello'.

"Hey, how are you doing?" I ask eagerly.

"Well they made me drink a litre of water and I've been needing to pee for about an hour now and soon they're going to be fiddling around between my legs so I'm worried I might pee on someone." she rambles, but I can tell she's just deflecting her nerves.

"There's a lot of pee talk in this phone call." I point out.

"I was about to say the same thing!" Jenna exclaims.

"Well you're the one that brought it up." I tease.

"Did I? Aw man, I'm so tired. I was up all night being anxious and shit." She sighs.

"Did Kellin give you his anxiety because he seems to have your self-assurance lately." I chuckle. "I promise you, everything is going to be fine, Jen."

"I just want this so bad." She says tiredly. 

"I know. And you're going to get it, if not this time, then eventually. You know why?"

"Why?" she mumbles.

"Because you are destined for this. You're going to be a great mom." I assure her.

"You think so?" she sniffs softly.

"Definitely. You have been mothering Kellin and I for years."

She giggles and her general tone lightens up a bit.

"And I've done a great job." she chirps.

"That you have. We are healthy and thriving."

"That you are." she sighs dreamily.

There's a brief silence on the line. Between seeing my wedding photos, this surprise trip and Jenna and Tay possibly creating a baby today, I find myself feeling a little emotionally overwhelmed.

"I want to say something that I've been meaning to say for a while but I'm too nervous to say it in person so can I say it now?" I blurt out.

"Sure honey, what is it?" Jenna asks sounding concerned.

I take a breath, steadying my emotions.

"I never said thank you for saving my life, that day on the bridge. So thank you." I breathe.

"Oh, I didn't—that was all Kellin." she stammers out.

"No it wasn't. He told me what happened and if it wasn't for your quick thinking then I probably wouldn't be here. So thank you." I emphasise. 

"You need to stop or you're going to make me cry." she warns, her voice quivering.

"Okay," I chuckle.

"I should probably get going or I might miss the conception of my child." she sighs.

"Alright, I should get going anyway. I might end up making Kellin three hours early for the flight instead of four." I joke.

"Alright, have an amazing trip. I love you, okay? And I'm so thankful that you're still here." she sniffs.

"I love you, Jen. Now go make a baby."

"On it. Bye Vic, give Kell a kiss for me."

"Will do, bye Jen." 

I hang up the phone and get back to packing.

"Was that Jenna?" Kellin asks, standing in the doorway.

"Sure was." I chirp.

"How is she?" he asks walking into the room.

"She's good. Nervous, but good. They're just waiting on test results now. And..." I take Kellin's waist and plant my lips on his. His arms wrap around my neck and I get carried away, just kissing him until he giggles and pushes me away. "She asked me to give you that."

"Something tells me she didn't mean it like that." Kellin breathes.

"Mm, probably not." I grin.

"You ready to go?" he beams, nuzzling his cheek into my shoulder.

"Almost."

I pack a few more things and then we leave for the airport. We end up waiting an hour for our flight until we board, but after much anticipation, soon enough we're in the air, heading to paris.

"So," Kellin chirps. "now that we have a minute, how was the gym this morning?" Kellin asks.

"The gym? We have a fourteen hour flight ahead of us and you want to talk about the gym?" I chuckle.

"You have no idea how bummed I get when I can't come with you. There's nothing more attractive than watching you lift something heavy." He giggles.

"I'll do some push ups later for you, okay?" I tease. "How was therapy anyway?"

"It was good! Talked a lot about you today." He murmurs, taking my hand.

"About me?" I ask intrigued.

"Yeah, about how much of a support you are and how sweet and kind you are for always helping around the house and making me feel better and doing things for me. We discussed love languages and discovered that my love language is undoubtedly acts of service."

"Wait, what's a love language?" I frown confused.

"It's like your preferred way of receiving love. So there are five; words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch." He explains. "For example, mine is acts of service. When you do little things for me, like cook dinner or book me a massage appointment, it really shows me that you care and makes me feel loved. What do you think yours is?"

I consider the concept for a minute before coming to a conclusive answer.

"Although I love physical touch," I murmur against the skin of Kellin's bicep as I kiss it softly, making him giggle. "I think my love language is words of affirmation. I like hearing that you're proud of me, and that you think I'm attractive, and that you love me. The reassurance means a lot to me."

"I thought you'd say that." He smiles knowingly. "You still blush every time I compliment you."

"How could I not? You're so sweet." I sigh, resting my head on his shoulder, feeling content.

Now that I have a minute to collect myself, I remember the news that I was so excited to tell Kellin earlier, right before he decided to surprise me with our wedding photos then whisk my off to a foreign country for two weeks.

"So I took a little detour after the gym," I begin.

"Detour? Where?" Kellin asks confused.

"I went to book you a massage." I admit.

"Might have to cancel that appointment. I'm kind of busy." Kellin giggles.

"Oh definitely. I'll also have to put my apprenticeship on hold until we get back." I grin.

"Your what?" Kellin asks looking to me confused.

"My apprenticeship." I repeat, unable to hide the shear excitement and pride I'm feeling.

"Babe, you got an apprenticeship?" Kellin gasps hopefully.

"Yeah, at the day spa. They had a sign, said they were looking for people to train for a masseuse position so I enquired. And because I go there so often to book you appointments, I already had a foot in the door, so they did a quick interview and offered me the apprenticeship." 

"Oh my god, Vic! That's so wonderful! I'm so fucking happy for you!" Kellin exclaims throwing his arms around my neck and kissing my cheek repeatedly in his excitement.

"It's not going to be a lot of money to begin with but it'll hopefully lead to full time work." I admit.

"The money isn't an issue. I'm just happy you're putting yourself out there." He smiles softly, awe sparkling in his eyes.

He takes my hand and brings it up to my lips, kissing the back of my hand softly.

"I told you something would come along when the time was right." he sighs, nuzzling himself into my shoulder.

"You did say that. Maybe I should listen to you more often." I chuckle.

"Maybe you should trust yourself more." Kellin shoots back.

I kiss the top of his head then lean my cheek against it.

"I'm getting there." I murmur softly. 

"I know. And you're doing so well. I'm so proud of you."

Those are words I'm getting used to hearing and words I'll never get tired of hearing. They give me the assurance I need to gain the confidence in myself that I was completely missing only 6 months ago. I've come so far in such a short amount of time and I owe a lot of that to my loving husband, although he'd never take the credit he deserves.

※※※

I watch Kellin as he's absentmindedly eating his slowly melting ice-cream. I have this whole beautiful city around me and I still struggle to take my eyes off the person next to me.

He turns to look at me so I look away, pretending I wasn't just ogling him.

"Well, I guess it's a good thing that we didn't put our lock here." Kellin chuckles gesturing to the construction crew who are slowly removing all the panels of the Pont des Arts bridge that hold hundreds of thousands of 'love locks'. The popular tourist attraction, and the inspiration for our own love lock on our bridge at home, had people worrying that the weight of the locks would weigh down the bridge, leading to a collapse. So now these symbols of people's love all around the world are getting discarded. 

"Yeah, I guess so." I mumble, thinking about our own lock at home. I wonder if it's going to be there forever. I wonder if it's even still there. I haven't seen it in months. Kellin and I haven't been back to our bridge since my suicide attempt, despite my promise to Kellin that we'd visit the spot often.

"What's wrong?" Kellin asks softly, frowning at me from behind his ice-cream cone.

He's becoming too good at noticing when there's something bothering me.

"Did I ruin our spot? We haven't been back there since, you know." I ask worried.

Kellin looks down at his ice-cream joylessly. I've never seen him so bummed while holding ice-cream before.

"It's not ruined for me. It's still a special place to me and I would like to go back there. But I have worried about taking you there. I don't want to trigger anything or upset you." he explains.

"I can't pretend that it wasn't the place I planned to kill myself." I sigh. "But I don't see it like that." 

"Well how do you see it?" Kellin asks curiously.

"It's the place where I chose to live, the place where you saved my life, the place where I realized I had value and purpose even if it wasn't clear to me at the time. It's not a negative place to me. If anything it's even more important to me now." I explain. "And as sick as it probably is, there's a reason I chose that spot, it reminded me of you, of us, and it's always going to do that."

He leans over and kisses my cheek softly. 

"I think that's a really beautiful way to look at it. Why don't we go pay it a visit when we get home?" he suggests.

"I would love to." I murmur softly.

We spend the day in Paris being tourists and after some dinner at a beautiful restaurant that definitely has better quality french food than the shitty place back at home, we migrate to back to our hotel room to unload for the day.

I immediately collapse on our bed while Kellin goes over to the kitchenette.

"I'm going to make a hot chocolate. Do you want a coffee, babe?" he chirps, opening and closing mostly bare cupboards as he looks for what he needs.

"That would be great, thanks Kell." I smile.

I watch him tiredly, but with love, as he heats up the kettle and places two mugs on the counter. He goes about making our drinks and I just take the moment to admire him. With how often I actively appreciate him, you'd think I'd be over him by now. But not even a little. I love him as much as the day I married him and I'm going to love him forever, I know it.

Kellin opens the fridge to get the milk and we both seem to immediately notice the variety of alcohol in there. I sit up and watch Kellin cautiously but after a brief adjustment, he just gets the milk and goes back to what he was doing.

"I should take those down to reception." I suggest.

"Oh, you don't have to. I can handle it." Kellin smiles coyly, glancing over his shoulder at me.

"I know you can," I validate him. "But I don't want you to have to handle it. We're on vacation. You should be able to relax without distractions." 

He gives me another small smile and a nod so I rise from the bed. I kneel down in front of the fridge and pile the tiny bottles of alcohol into my arms. I notice Kellin making a point of not looking at me so I do my best to hurry and leave the room swiftly, wanting him to be uncomfortable for as little time as possible.

I head down to reception and try to explain the situation to the old woman behind the counter who speaks little English. If I knew we were planning to go to Paris so soon, I would have brushed up on my French. After a couple of minutes of painful back and forth, we seem to break down the language barrier and she takes the drinks off my hands.

I head back to the room, hoping that my coffee hasn't gotten cold and that Kellin hasn't fallen asleep. I myself am tired, between the jetlag and our big day, I wouldn't blame Kellin at all if he had fallen asleep. But I just want to spend as much time with him as possible. 

When I enter our room, I'm relieved to find Kellin sitting on the bed, watching TV and drinking his hot chocolate. But I'm also confused, because he's only wearing his underwear, the same underwear he wore on our honeymoon, underwear I haven't seen since.

I begin to feel insecure as I wonder if he's expecting sex, because nearly a year later, I still can't. But I know Kellin would never try to pressure me into something so maybe I'm reading too much into this. Maybe it's just underwear. 

"Is it hot in here?" I ask, clearing my throat, approaching my steaming mug that Kellin left on the counter.

"No, no, I just spilt hot chocolate all over myself. I didn't really feel like wrestling with my suitcase." He explains.

I turn back to him and give him a small smile and a nod.

"Why? Would you feel better if I put some pajamas on?" He frowns, looking down at himself.

I follow his eyes to his half naked body then look away.

"No, of course not, you're fine." I reassure him.

I take my coffee and go sit next to him on the bed. He cozies up to me and I lean into him, looking to the subtitled movie on the TV.

I'm trying to catch up on the plot when there's a knock on the door.

"Oh!" Kellin says surprised. "That was quick. I ordered room service. Do you want to get that, babe?"

He seems excited which both confuses and relieves me. I place my coffee down and then go answer the door while Kellin covers himself with the duvet.

I'm greeted by a man who's holding a silver tray.

He says something in French that I don't understand so I just tip him and he leaves.

"We literally just got back from dinner." I tell Kellin as I find my place back beside him.

"I wanted dessert! Don't judge me." He giggles seeming mildly offended.

I hand him the tray and he raises the lid, revealing a selection of brightly coloured macarons. He immediately takes a pink one and stuffs it in his mouth. I put an arm around him and kiss his cheek.

"The knock, it didn't startle you." I point out.

Kellin seems surprised himself as he shakes his head. "I guess not, therapy must be working."

"What do you mean?" I smile intrigued.

"My therapist told me to knock on something every time I'm alone so I'd get used to the noise and I'd start associating it with being safe. I've been doing that and I guess it's been working." he explains.

"That's amazing, Kells." I sigh gratefully. "I'm so grateful that therapy has been working for you."

"I am too. Have you given any more thought to maybe seeing a therapist?" he asks me nervously.

"Yeah, I have," I admit. "But like things are so good right now, my medication is really working, I just don't see why I'd need to go." 

"I can think of a few." Kellin pushes. "Just because everything is okay right now, that doesn't mean there won't be bumps down the track, and you need the skills to be able to cope with that. And I think it's great how you've been focussed on the present, but you really should work on processing the past so if it ever surprises you, you can handle it. I also see some behaviours in you that are wonderful now but they might cause you to burn out down the track."

"Like what?" I interrupt, a little confused.

"Your need to fix things." Kellin frowns.

"Fix things? What do you mean?" I ask, still feeling lost.

"On the surface it seems like you just want to be helpful, and that might be it, I might be completely wrong on this, but whenever anything goes wrong, whether it be with Carter, or our honeymoon being cancelled or I'm stressed, you always try to fix it. And when you can't fix things, you beat yourself up over it. I just think you could benefit from talking to someone. But it's always your choice. I know I worry about you more than I should." he explains, taking my hand.

I consider his concerns as I play with his fingers.

"I see your point." I nod. "And I'll give it some more thought, but I just don't think it's something I'm ready to do yet." 

"Of course, babe. It's entirely up to you. I think you're smart enough and in a position to manage your own mental health and understand your own needs. I definitely worry about you more than I need to." he smiles sadly.

"Well, I love that you care about me." I murmur softly, kissing the top of his head.

Kellin nuzzles himself into me and takes a macarons from the plate. He holds it to my lips so I take a bite and he stuffs the rest of the delicious treat in his mouth.

"These were a really great idea." I mumble, taking another one and biting into it. "This whole trip was a really great idea. I had a really good day. I can't wait to wake up and do it all again tomorrow."

Kellin kisses my cheek, grinning widely then he rests his head on my shoulder and looks back to the TV. I try to get into the movie but I find myself distracted by my half naked husband. My eyes travel along his bare skin. I've missed seeing him like this. I missed feeling his warm flesh pressed against mine. I only wish I could recapture the bliss we found on our honeymoon. I wish I wasn't still so broken. 

"Take your clothes off." Kellin whispers softly.

I meet his big eyes, confused.

"What?" I mumble, just stunned by his request. 

A grin creeps onto his cheeks. "If you're just going to gawk at my body, at least give me the opportunity to return the favor."

I blush and glance away from him.

"You don't have to if you don't want to." Kellin assures me.

I look back to him and swallow dryly.

"No, it's okay, it's just," I pause. 

"It's just what?" Kellin frowns.

I sigh tiredly. "You know I still can't..."

"I'm not expecting anything." Kellin reassures. "I just want to cuddle." 

"Okay," I breathe a sigh of relief.

I pull my shirt off and chuckle as Kellin's eyes light up like a kid in a candy store. Then I shuffle out of my pants and he cuddles back up to me.

I know he can't help himself as his fingers run along my abs that I've worked so hard for over the past couple of months. I love the feeling, the silent validation. But at the same time, I know I don't need it. I know Kellin loves my body regardless of my muscle tone.

"Why do you always hide this from me?" Kellin murmurs, his fingertips walking across my skin.

"I don't want to get your hopes up." I mumble truthfully.

"You're not going to disappoint me, babe." He murmurs, kissing my shoulder. "You've made this such a big deal in your head but it's really not that serious."

I sigh and rub my temple stressed.

"I don't want to make you feel unwanted, or unattractive, or unloved." I breathe.

I see a flash of regret in Kellin's eyes.

"Vic, I didn't feel those things because we weren't having sex. I felt them because we weren't communicating. Things are different now. You make me feel so wanted, so attractive, so loved. You don't need to worry about that." He explains which makes me smile.

"I will always respect your boundaries and I don't ever want to make you feel pressured, but I feel like we haven't even tried, you know? Like are you even sure that you can't?" He asks softly.

I sigh and shrug as I look away from him once again.

"Hey, look at me,"

I turn back to him and am met with his wet tongue of my cheek. I shriek in pure shock and confusion as Kellin bursts into laughter. I join him once I realise what just happened.

"What was that for?" I screech.

"I wanted to make you feel more comfortable. This doesn't have to be an uncomfortable conversation." He beams.

I smile at the sweet gesture and nod, feeling more relaxed now.

"I mean, I'm pretty sure I can't. Like I've tried, you know," I murmur shyly.

"Well maybe it'll be different with me. Maybe you just need some stimulation." Kellin grins with a light flirt in his tone. "What's the worst that could happen? We try and it doesn't work, so we just make out instead. Fuck, I miss making out with you."

His pouty lips are slowly convincing me to let go of my fear of embarrassment and just give it a go.

He trusted me with his body when it was difficult for him, maybe I owe him the same leap of faith. I know no matter what happens, he's still going to love me.

"Okay, let's give it a go." I decide.

Kellin lets out a squeak of excitement that would make me laugh if his lips weren't immediately on mine. I sink into the kiss and his leg slips between mine, pushing his body into me. I realize instantly that once again I'm not getting turned on. I pull from his lips, feeling embarrassed and he looks at me confused.

"What?" he frowns.

"It's not working." I sigh softly.

He smiles amused and places a soft and chaste kiss on my mouth.

"Babe, we've been doing this for about five seconds. I'm not even turned on yet. You're putting too much pressure on yourself. If this is going to have any chance at working, you need to relax and get out of your head. Don't think about what is or isn't happening. Just enjoy being close to me." he murmurs quietly, his lips brushing mine every time they close as he speaks.

"Okay," I whisper, completely mesmerised by the tension he's creating with his mouth.

I kiss him again, no longer thinking of other things. I melt into his lips and my hands fall to his beautiful body, taking in the man before me. But he suddenly pulls away.

"Hold on," he says, turning over and reaching for his phone.

I use the opportunity to slide my hand down to his ass, rubbing the cotton of his underwear sensually. He smirks and blushes as he taps a few things on his phone, then music starts playing.

I can't help but to laugh.

"Don't laugh." Kellin screeches turning back over, a beautiful grin falling to his cheeks. My hand naturally moves to his hip as I pull him closer to me. "You have no idea how long it took me to put this playlist together."

"I love it. I love you." I grin then I happily resume kissing him.

Soon enough, he pushes me onto my back and climbs on top of me. He moves away from my lips and begins kissing my neck. I feel him grinding down on me, making it pretty obvious that he's hard...and I'm still not.

I'm trying to ignore it, stay focussed on Kellin's kisses, but he makes that impossible when he slips his hand into my boxers and grasps my flaccid shaft. I practically die of embarrassment as he touches me and still nothing happens.

"I'm sorry." I groan, covering my face with my hands as he slides his hand out of my underwear.

"Hey, don't be sorry. It's okay." Kellin coos softly. 

I drop my hands and meet his softly smiling face.

"I really wanted to..." I sigh and look away from him, feeling shame rise in me.

"I know." he whispers softly, taking my face and turning it back to him. He places a delicate kiss on my nose. "But it's okay. We can still have fun."

"What do you want to do?" I mumble, eager to please him.

"Well we could just kiss and cuddle, or you can touch me, or we can do something entirely different. Up to you." he beams.

I smirk and pull him closer to me, slipping my hand under his thigh.

"If you want me to touch you, all you have to do is ask." I murmur kissing his nose.

He giggles and blushes bright red.

"I know," he whines softly, grinning coyly at me. "I just feel a little selfish. I don't want to be the only one benefiting from our sex life."

"You're not," I assure him. "I love making you feel good."

I shuffle myself up into a sitting position, so I'm leaning against the headboard of the bed. I tap my lap gently, urging Kellin to take his place. He coyly obeys and straddles my thighs. My hands go to his hips, gently rubbing his warm skin with my thumbs and his arms move to my neck.

"Do you remember our first kiss?" he whispers, smiling softly at me.

"Of course," I grin, reminiscing. We ended up in this exact same position and it didn't take much for him to turn me on.

He leans in and kisses me sweetly with the taste of lust and love on his lips. My stomach once again feels like it in my chest as the magic of his mouth stimulates my senses. My hands get feverish and eager as they slide down to his thighs. As I push my fingers up to the brim of his underwear, he pushes his body back against me. I pull from the kiss, desperate to watch his body rock against mine. 

His breathing is already laboured, his grip on my shoulders is already tight and I can tell he's ready for me to undress him. But despite this conviction, I still make sure to ask.

"Can I take these off?" I ask him softly, my fingers falling under the seams. 

"Mhm," he breathes, lifting his body from mine.

I pull his briefs to his knees where he wiggles the rest of the way out of them. When they've been discarded to the side, so quickly forgotten about, he situates himself back in my lap. Without the cotton of his underwear to restrict it, his bare erection pushes into my lower stomach, begging for some kind of pressure.

In no spirit to deny him of pleasure, I don't tease his frustration. I take his shaft into my fist and slide my palm to the base and to the tip, then back down again.

He seems more sensitive than usual. He can barely look at me, but when our eyes do lock, I catch a glimpse of the shear dewy ecstasy in them.

"That feel good?" I ask, just to clarify.

He lets out a breathy chuckle and sighs as he rests his forehead against my shoulder.

"I don't know how you do this," he mumbles.

"Do what?" I ask confused.

"Make me such a mess." he groans.

"Practice." I murmur, kissing his bare shoulder softly.

As he begins to near closer to climax, he shifts forward, desperate to push himself against me more. But he suddenly stops all movement and his fingers latch onto my wrist, freezing me in place. He looks down and for a moment I'm worried until I follow his gaze and see it. Then I feel it.

The blood pulsates along my length that pushes against the material of my boxers, begging for attention. I look back at Kellin who's biting back a grin and giving me hopeful eyes.

He takes my hand kisses my knuckles softly.

"I'm still not expecting anything, I'm more than happy to just keep doing this, but if you're ready and you're up for it, do you want to try that other thing again?" he asks softly, giving me an adoring look.

I'm nervous. I don't know how long this is going to last, if it lasts at all. And even if it does, I haven't had sex in months. What if I forgot what to do?

But I can't ignore my body screaming for Kellin's. I can't ignore the shear excitement in his eyes. I can't give up the thing I've been wanting for so long.

"Let's do it." I breathe.

I place a kiss on Kellin's chest and he brushes his fingers through my hair softly.

"Great! I have lube and condoms in my bag." He says excitedly, finally climbing off my lap.

"You weren't expecting anything?" I chuckle amused that my husband still planned for sex, knowing that I couldn't have sex.

"I was being hopeful." He giggles, returning with the things in his hand.

He sits on my thighs and captures my lips again as he tears open the condom wrapper. He pulls away so he can see what he's doing, then he slowly glides the latex onto my shaft.

The pressure of his fingertips along my length makes me shiver. I missed that feeling so much more than I thought.

He wastes no time in smothering the condom in lube, seeming eager to get this started as soon as possible.

But then he stops, pausing in thought.

"What is it?" I ask softly.

He looks back at me and smiles.

"I want you to be on top." He tells me.

"You sure?" I ask surprised.

He nods.

"I think I'm ready. I love you and I trust you. I know you'd never hurt me." He says softly.

My heart swells as I gently caress his cheek. Those words mean more to me than he'll ever know.

"Okay, but you can change your mind, at any point, okay?" I murmur.

He looks at me with soft, awe-struck eyes and nods. He rolls off of me so his back hits the mattress. I carefully and slowly situate myself between his thighs, hovering above his lips with my own.

He grins at me, seeming excited, comfortable and completely in love. I force his lips closed with a gentle kiss then I lose myself in him, like I have a million times before.

After a short while, its over. I would be embarrassed if Kellin hadn't also finished as quickly as I did. He turns his head to me grinning, his chest still heaving from the excitement of it all.

"Maybe my love language is physical touch after all." I joke making Kellin giggle.

He kisses my sweaty shoulder softly and continues to smile widely at me.

"You always make me feel so..." he begins dreamily.

"Satisfied." I wink cockily.

His smile softens and he takes my hand.

"Loved." he whispers.

"You are loved." I tell him, bringing his hand to my lips.

"I know." he grins adoringly.

He pulls his hand from mine and leaves my side, standing from the bed. He pulls the duvet as he walks towards the window, covering himself up and leaving me bare. He stops and draws back the curtains. The city lights glow on his face, illuminating every perfect feature.

I slide out of bed and pull my underwear back on, then I go stand next to Kellin's side. He glances at me but quickly looks back at the beautiful city before us. I wrap my arm around his waist and watch him as he thinks.

"There were so many nights," he breathes. "that I wished I had told you I loved you. And I've spent my whole life regretting those nights."

"Me too." I whisper, interrupting him.

He shakes his head.

"I don't regret them anymore." he murmurs, turning to me. I melt into his desperate gaze. "I don't regret a second of time I got to be by your side. I never knew that you loved me, but I knew I loved you, and that was enough. It was always enough. You have always been enough for me."

I fight the urge to force back my emerging tears. I don't need to hide my feelings from Kellin, I refuse to.

"My love for you is not defined by your love for me. Because I love you. I love everything you are, I love the shear idea of you. And I would have loved you forever, regardless if you loved me. Because you're always going to be you, and that's exactly what I fell in love with." his own tears glisten in his eyes as he wipes mine from my cheeks. 

"I have no regrets, Vic, because everything that's happened, everything I've been through has led me right here, to this moment, to us, to you. I wouldn't give this up for the world."

He then kisses me hard. I hold him close as his tears dissolve on my cheeks and mine fall into our mouths as I lose myself in him, for the millionth and first time. 

He pulls away and turns back to the window. The city of love reflects in his eyes. And all the poisonous shame and regret that I've been holding onto my whole life and letting consume me for the last year, falls off my shoulders. It seeps out the window and the breeze catches it, taking it far, far away. And that's the last time I ever see it.

And from that moment on, I vow to always love Kellin with no remorse, and to let him love me the same. 

---

It's been over a year. This story wasn't supposed to take so long. But as I'm learning, things don't always go according to plan, and that's okay! If I didn't give this story time, it wouldn't have grown so beautifully.

Thank you all for sticking with this. And an extra special thanks to those who read the original when it existed. Thanks for giving this story another chance.

And as per usual, thanks for validating my projection of trauma and mental illness onto these fics.

This is the last non-poetry related thing I'm going to be posting for a while, but I will be back with more kellic eventually.

Love y'all, catch you on the flip side.

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