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Vic

"Hey," Kellin says softly as I feel his weight press down on the mattress. "I let you stay in bed a bit longer but you need to get up now. You can't be in bed all day. It's not healthy."

I can't see his face from under the covers but I know he has that look of pity that seems to be his default nowadays.

"I don't want to exist today. Just leave me alone." I sniff, gripping onto the blanket tighter in case he tries to pry it off of me.

"If you honestly think that lying here is making you feel better, then tell me to fuck off and I'll leave you alone. But I don't think it's helping."

I sigh deeply and let another stream of tears run down my cheeks. I know he's right, but it's so much easier to just lay here than to actually deal with these feelings.

I reluctantly pull the covers down to my chin and look to Kellin cautiously. He smiles sadly at me and wipes the tears from my cheeks.

"What did you have in mind?" I grumble.

"I was thinking a walk." He chirps.

"A walk?" I whine, pulling the covers back over my head.

The last thing I want to do is leave the house.

"Baby, you need some air and some sun. And exercise is so good for you. It releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy. You used to love exercising, I want you to start doing things you love." He explains, rubbing my shoulder through the blanket.

I groan in frustration and curl up more into myself.

"We don't have to go for a walk if you really don't want to. Why don't you just come downstairs and eat something, then see you feel afterwards?" He suggests.

I pull down the covers again and meet his caring gaze. I then feel shitty for being such a brat.

"Okay, I'm sorry." I sniff.

Kellin smiles and wipes my cheek again.

"Don't apologize. This is just a bad day. There will be better ones." He assures me.

I nod, knowing he's right. He always is.

I sit up then lean into his chest. He immediately comforts me with his arms. I remember my mom holding me like this every time I was sick or upset when I was a kid. I don't want my husband to be looking after me like I'm a child so I decide to pull myself together and get out of bed.

"Breakfast it is." I sigh tiredly, taking Kellin's hand.

"Actually, it's lunchtime babe, but you can have breakfast food if you want." Kellin chuckles.

I try not to think about how I keep sleeping the days away as Kellin and I head downstairs. We go into the kitchen and he sits me at the table.

"What do you want to eat?" He asks me.

"Whatever." I shrug. Honestly, I'm not even that hungry.

"What about an omelette?" He chirps.

"Sounds good."

Kellin begins cutting vegetables and cracking eggs, while I just watch him. He's so cute and concentrated when he cooks, which is not very often. If I'm being honest, he's not the best cook. He's burnt more than his fair share of—anything really. But I really appreciate him making the effort.

He catches me staring and shoots me a sweet smile. He then turns back to the sizzling pan and curses suddenly.

"Oh shit." he gasps.

"What's wrong?" I ask worried, immediately shooting out of my seat, fearing that he has burnt himself or something.

"Nothing." He sighs. "It just looks like we're having scrambled eggs, not omelettes."

He gives me an apologetic look and I can't help but to burst out laughing. He blushes bright red but lets out a little laugh too.

"Do you want me to take over?" I ask him.

He nods, defeated and steps aside so I can salvage our lunch. I taste the eggs then season them a bit more while Kellin holds my bicep and watches.

"I'm literally hopeless without you." he chuckles. "I can't even make myself food."

"That's not true. When you cooked dinner last week, it was really good." I tell him.

"You didn't even eat it!" He laughs, kissing my shoulder.

"I ate a little bit, and I thought it was fine. Besides, you make a mean bowl of cereal." I joke.

He snorts and leans his head against where he just kissed.

Soon enough, our eggs are finished but I'm still not hungry.

Kellin and I sit next to each other at the table and I watch him, engulfing the food with ease, meanwhile I feel a little nauseous at the thought of eating.

Kellin smiles softly at me and kisses my shoulder once again.

"Just eat what you can." He tells me.

I nod and force down as much food as I can before I have to give up.

"So," Kellin chirps. "Are you up for this walk?"

He's giving me those hopeful eyes that I can't say no to so I agree.

After I get dressed into some appropriate clothes, we head outside and begin walking around the block. It's a few minutes before my eyes adjust to the glaring sun, and the air on my skin makes me feel vulnerable and unsafe.

But when Kellin's hand slides in mine, I know everything's okay.

"I'm sorry for being difficult." I whisper to Kellin as we pass by suburban houses.

Kellin sighs sadly and squeezes my hand. 

"Okay, you really need to stop apologizing. I don't need nor want an apology." he says firmly. "Do you know how many meltdowns you've helped me through over this past year? How many times I was unnecessarily anxious and you calmed me down? Every time I've had a nightmare, or every time I nearly fell off the bandwagon, you've been there. I've been difficult and not once have you let me apologize for it. And I see why now. We're married, we're in love, we're soulmates, supporting you is what I'm here for. Don't say sorry, because I know you have my back when I need you and that's all I want." 

"But I don't think I've done nearly enough for you compared to what you've done for me." I sigh guiltily.

"Are you kidding me? Vic, you picked me up when I was at my lowest and you helped me through the impossible. I'm going to spend the rest of my life repaying you for what you've done for me."

"Kellin, you literally stopped me from killing myself." I snort.

"Babe, why do you think I called an ambulance when I OD'd?" He exclaims. "It was because of you! I wanted to be alive for you!"

"Wait, really?" I ask stunned. I'm so grateful that he chose to live and I'm honoured that I'm the reason why. I almost can't believe it.

He nods. "I owe my life to you. And I love you. Don't ever think that you're not worth my time and energy." He reassures me, kissing my knuckles softly.

His assurances comfort me in a way I desperately needed. For the first time in months, I don't feel useless, for the first time in months, I don't feel like I'm more trouble than I'm worth.

"That makes me feel a lot better. Thank you." I murmur.

Kellin sighs softly and nods. I take note of the frustration on his face.

"What's wrong?" I ask confused.

He glances to me then he looks down at his feet as they pass over the pavement.

"I should have said all these things ages ago. If I had been a little more reassuring, a little more openly appreciative, you would always know how much grateful I am for you." He huffs.

"Kells, it's—"

"No, no, hear me out." he urges.

I nod and stay quiet so he can continue.

"I'm shit at communicating my feelings. I thought 'I love you' was enough. But it isn't. You need more than that, and that's okay. I just, I spent years not telling you how I feel about you and I guess it became a habit. And then Carter came along and I had to keep another big secret from you. I'm so used to being superficial with you. I forget that I don't have to do that anymore. I want to speak my mind more so you don't have any doubts about how I feel about you." He explains.

He seems regretful and I can't help but to feel that way too.

"I want to communicate more with you too." I breathe. "I've never felt comfortable talking about, you know, d-depression and stuff. I get so scared to feel these things in front of you. But it's not just that. Since Carter, I've been trying to be strong for you because you needed that. But I now know that I can't be strong if I'm not healthy. And I can't be healthy if I'm keeping all these horrible things inside of me."

Kellin smiles sadly at me and rests his head on my shoulder.

"I know it's hard for you, so I'm going to ask you what's on your mind more and if you ever need to write me a letter, do so. No more suicide notes, okay?" He lulls.

I nod, suddenly becoming embarrassed as I realize he actually read that garbage.

"I've been meaning to give something back to you." Kellin admits quietly, finally changing the subject.

"What is it?" I frown confused.

He digs into his pocket then pulls out my wedding ring. I forgot I left it with my note. Now I feel like an asshole. I've been walking around without my wedding ring on while Kellin's is still fixed firmly to his finger.

"I should never have taken it off." I frown, mindfully suppressing the need to say 'I'm sorry'.

"Well, now I get to reenact one of the best moments of my life." he smiles, taking my hand and sliding the ring onto my finger, blissfully bringing me back to our wedding day. 

"May I now kiss the groom?" I chuckle softly.

He giggles and cups my cheek before pressing his lips onto my mine. And for a moment, everything feels okay again. I wish I could kiss him forever so this feeling could last forever.

We eventually come full circle, arriving in our front yard. Kellin stops in the driveway and wraps his arms around me tightly. I lean into his embrace and enjoy the comfort of his hold and the warmth of the sun on my neck.

But as I look over his shoulder, I see something that alarms me.

"Kells, what happened to your car?" I ask worried, noting the bumper that has half fallen off, the broken headlight, the scratched paint, and the flat tire.

He sighs and lets go of me, frowning at his car.

"I wish I knew." He mumbles softly. "I know I hit the curb at one point, which is probably how I blew the tire, but I must have unknowingly ran into something else at another stage. I just hope I didn't damage someone else's property, or worse."

He seems genuinely distraught as he speaks and I feel the same as I realize he was not only driving drunk, but he was driving drunk with a flat tire. And he was so drunk that he can't even remember wrecking his car.

"You could have died, Kells." I sigh.

He sniffs and wipes a tear from his eye.

"I know. I'll never let that happen again. I was so stupid."

I pull him back into my arms and softly kiss his cheek, just wanting to make him feel okay.

"Do you want me to fix it? I can change the tire, reconnect the bumper. It shouldn't take too long." I suggest. "I might even have a spare headlight cover and bulb."

He smiles widely and nods. "That's a great idea."

Kellin goes inside while I check out the car and get my tools. I genuinely feel a little excited. It's been a while since I fixed a car and it's nice to feel useful.

I get to work, following the now instinctual methods that were ingrained into me over my whole career which seems like a distant memory. As I'm loosening the nuts on the wheel, Kellin returns, carrying a lawn chair and a bottle of water. He unfolds the chair on the grass, sits down, and begins watching me meticulously.

"What are you doing?" I chuckle confused.

"Enjoying the view. Do you have any idea how hot you are when you're covered in sweat and car grease?" He grins, biting his lip as he eyes me.

"And you say I'm the perv." I snort.

I feel myself blush as I'm pulling the tire off the axle. It's comforting to hear that he still finds me attractive, even despite my physique changes and my observable exhaustion.

I try not to think too much and stay focussed while I work on the car, but every now and then I find myself getting lost in passing memories. One in particular keeps knocking at my consciousness; the phone call I had with Kylie. I remember her anguish, her desperation, her confusion. For someone I don't even know, she takes up a lot of my mind. 

I catch myself in the thought and shake my head, as if I were trying to shake the memory out. I rub my temple to soothe an impending headache.

"You okay, babe?" Kellin asks softly.

I smile sadly at him and shrug. I throw my wrench back in my toolbox then sit myself down on the grass, deciding I should take a quick break.

"I'm okay. My head is just messy." I mumble.

"What's bothering you?" he frowns.

I sigh and scratch the back of my neck. It's so much easier to just lie. But where did lying get me? Standing on a bridge, ready to jump to my death.

"It's Kylie, Carter's girlfriend." I admit. "I can't stop thinking about her." 

"Are you worried about her?" he asks.

I nod and look down at my hands.

"Why don't we ease your mind and take trip down to see her this afternoon?" 

The last thing I want to do is face her but if doing so could help her and make me feel a little more at ease, it's something I have to do.

I nod and put my head in my hands, feeling overwhelmed. The smell of car grease that I've no doubt just smudged on my face makes me think of my tio. I suddenly feel smothered and heavy again, but Kellin's quick to lift some of that weight as he sits beside me and pulls me to his chest.

"It's too much." I sniff.

"I know." Kellin whispers, kissing my head. "Just take one thing at a time. Be gentle with yourself, okay?" 

I wipe my cheeks with my sleeves and nod. I kiss Kellin softly before pulling out of his arms. I take his advice and force myself to focus on just one thing so I don't overload my mind.

"I'm going to finish this car." I breathe.

"Good idea." Kellin smiles.

He hands me the water bottle and tells me to hydrate then he stands back up and retakes his place on the lawn chair, seemingly taking ninety percent of my problems with him. He holds onto them until I'm ready to deal with them.

I get back to fixing his car, while he ogles at me with the purest intentions. And I find a sense of peace under his gaze, finally truly understanding what it means to have a soulmate.

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