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Kellin

A shift in the bed wakes me. I stay anchored to my pillow as I listen to Vic walk out of the room. He's probably just going to get a drink or something.

I nuzzle my head back into the cotton pillowcase and try to coax myself back into sleep. I don't know what time it is but I sense it's late.

I lay patiently waiting for sleep but after a while the empty space next to me where Vic once slept feels like it has been empty for far too long. I lift my head and look around the room, noting that Vic is in fact still not here.

Confused and concerned, I shuffle out from under the warm covers and retrace his footsteps. I see a faint glow from downstairs so I follow it, keeping my feet weightless on the stairs.

I follow the light to the dining room where I find Vic sitting at the dinner table. I'm relieved, but only for a second, as I soon notice the empty pill bottle and the many green pills scattered across the surface of the table.

"Vic, what are you doing?" I ask him alarmed.

He looks up at me with wide eyes then he begins scooping the pills into his hand.

"Nothing." he lies.

I cautiously go take a seat next to him as he frantically puts the pills back into the bottle.

When there's not a single pill left, I snatch the bottle from out of his palm and sit it across the table, away from his reach. Then I gently take his hand in mine. He stares down at the our hands with guilt flushed across his face.

"Did you take any?" I ask him softly.

He shakes his head giving me a small amount of relief. 

"Were you going to?"

He squeezes his eyes shut but a tear escapes and falls off his lash. He doesn't answer my question, but he doesn't have to.

"Do you need to go to the hospital?" I ask him softly.

He sniffs and shakes his head.

"No, I just had a moment of weakness. I'm okay." he whispers.

I sigh feeling a little lost, unsure of what to do in this situation. I don't know how to help him.

"You don't seem okay. Talk to me, tell me what's going on." I push, tucking his hair behind his ear so I have view of his solemn face.

He drops my hand and covers his face, shaking his head quickly.

"I can't, Kells. Talking about my feelings, about the bad stuff, it's hard. I can't do it." he chokes out.

I slowly run my hand along his spine, hoping to soothe him temporarily. We sit in silence until I have an idea.

"Wait right here." I whisper.

I stand from the chair and make sure to stash his antidepressants in my sweatpants pocket before I leave his side. I go over to the junk drawer across the kitchen and pull out a piece of paper and a pen. I sit back next to Vic who is watching me curiously.

"In your wedding vows, and in your..." I swallow dryly. "in your note, you were so vulnerable. I think you find it a little easier to write down your feelings. Maybe try that."

I push the paper and pen towards him and he picks the pen up. He stares down at blank paper for a few minutes but then he starts writing.

Soon enough, he slides the paper back over to me. I read his words carefully.

'I feel broken. And it's not your job to fix me. I'm not even sure if I can be fixed. I don't want to be here if I'm just going to bother and upset you. You deserve better than that.'

I look back to him and he's staring at me with vulnerable eyes.

"You're not a bother, Vic. You need to stop thinking that. I love you and we're married. You can bother me whenever you damn well please. And I am upset. You're in pain and I don't know how to help you. But that doesn't mean you should die. I want you to get better."

"What if I can't get better though?" he whispers.

"You know, after Carter, I thought I was broken. And I thought I was going to be broken forever. I thought I was never going to feel whole again, I thought I would never close my eyes without seeing him, I thought I could never get physical with someone, I thought I would be scared of doors and strangers forever. And you know what? None of those things turned out to be true. And I know our situations are different. I know this illness has been wearing you down for a long time now, but I also know you're so much stronger than I am. You are the most resilient man I know. I know it's hard to believe right now, but I know you're going to be okay. And it might not be a lot, but you have me if you ever need anything, a shoulder to cry on, reassurance, someone to vent to, a distraction, I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere. And neither are you."

He lets out long breath that almost sounds relieved as he dries a tear from his eye.

"I don't want to leave you, Kells, I don't want to hurt you, things just feel so impossible right now." he says tiredly.

"I know," I soothe. "But you just have to keep trying, for me, and for you. You owe it to yourself to be happy. You've done this before and you'll do it again."

He nods and rests his head against my shoulder. I hold him tightly, once again grateful that he's here with me.

"What should I do?" he mumbles.

"Take suicide off the table. Don't let it be an option. Give the medication some time to start working, and if it's not for you then we'll find something else. There are so many avenues we haven't explored yet. It's not all bleak and hopeless, Vic. You're not out of options."

His fingers slip between mine and he nuzzles himself into me more.

"I love you." he whispers. The simple reassurance touches my heart in a way I didn't expect it to.

"I love you too, so much." I whisper back, hoping that these words are enough to convince him to stick this out with me.

We sit there, Vic sheltered in my arms, until I have an idea to lift his spirits.

"Come with me." I whisper.

He unravels himself from my grip then I pull him up with me and take him upstairs.

I abandon him in the middle of our bedroom as I go over to our stereo. I connect my phone and find our wedding playlist before pressing play on our song.

Vic gives me a knowing look as the soundwaves follow me back to his arms. I take his shoulder and link our hands together as we start swaying gently. He's smiling so softly and lovingly at me and it happens to be the first time I've seen him smile in days.

'And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

And sooner or later, it's over

I just don't wanna miss you tonight.'

John Rzeznik sings as I stare into my husband's eyes. I remember staring into them as this song played in the background on our wedding day and on prom night. My love for him has only grown since and I worry more than ever that he will be ripped away from me before I'm ready.

But I push down that worry because I don't want it to taint this singular moment of normalcy, this glimpse into our old life, and hopefully our future life.

Vic takes advantage of this homely moment as he crashes his mouth to mine. A wave of passion washes over me as I relish his lips. I let myself sink into them, feeling floaty and lively as we kiss for the first time in what feels like forever. My lips against his feel as magical as the day they first dared to touch. To think it wasn't that long ago yet it somehow seems like a world away.

I want to just enjoy this simple and beautiful thing, but my passion is demanding and so are my hands. They reach for his hips, pulling them against my own then they slide up his shirt, exploring the skin of his lower abdomen.

He takes a step, pushing me back towards the bed, and my hopes rise. Is this actually happening? But my hopes soon plummet as Vic sighs sadly into the kiss, and takes my wrists, pulling my hands from his bareskin. He's rejected me enough times for me to know what this means.

His eyes flutter open and meet mine. I see my own disappointment reflected in his irises.

"It's okay." I mumble, to relieve his guilt.

I take another step back, creating some space between us so my body can get the message.

"No," he frowns seeming frustrated.

He steps towards me and rubs his temple, stressed.

"It's not that I don't want to—" he rambles.

"Seriously Vic, it's okay." I interrupt tiredly, wanting this whole awkward situation to be over.

Part of me knows this isn't about me, I know he loves me, I think he wants me, but my insecurities are desperate to tell me a different story.

I watch Vic's shoulders slump as he seems engulfed in hopelessness and shame once again. I sit down on the bed behind me, feeling weighed down by my own embarrassment.

I watch his eyes look me over in a way that's familiar. He used to give me the same look before we were married, when he wanted me and couldn't have me. He seems desperate for a moment. Then it's as if a light bulb has lit up.

"Can I try something?" he blurts out.

I frown confused but just nod. I trust him.

He takes the final steps toward me and cups my cheek in his hand. He kisses me again, this time the sensuality is intended.

He grabs my thighs and I shuffle back on the bed so he has room to slide between them. My breathing is already a mess. It's been a long time since Vic has been even remotely sexually engaged and I've missed it immensely.  

His body presses into mine and I can feel that I'm already hard, which is embarrassing because Vic isn't even nearly there yet.

He presses his lips to my neck which gives me the space to think for a moment. I consider the way he rejected my advances only a minute ago and worry that he's forcing himself into this.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do." I remind him through my breaths.

"I know." he mumbles, delicately kissing on the skin of my neck.

I can't help but to compare the action to Jonah who was biting that very spot only a few days ago. I should feel guilty but I feel reassured. The way Vic's holding me, kissing me, touching me, it's so gentle and loving. It contrasts Jonah's rough and lustful nature completely. And I prefer this over that undoubtedly. Vic is having this incredibly intense effect on me, and Jonah did absolutely nothing for me. No other guy could ever compare.

Vic pulls my shirt over my head then his hands slide down my bare chest, making my body jolt, as if it wasn't expecting to be touched.

"You okay?" Vic asks me softly as he pulls back to look at me.

"Yeah," I giggle. "Sorry, it's been a while."

He chuckles a little but I see the shame in his eyes. I cup his cheek gently and stare up at him.

"It's okay." I reassure him, then I pull his lips back to mine.

His hands glide along my goosebumped skin as my tongue slides through his teeth. His fingertips creep down past my chest and my stomach, then over the lining of my underwear. He moves his hand over my length which is making a tent in the fabric, and the simple touch expels a shaky breath from my lips, forcing Vic to stop kissing me.

He doesn't pause for a second though as he moves his lips down to my chest. He trails delicate kisses along my skin and it's then I realize where this is going.

My chest rises and falls quickly as I watch him get lower and lower with each kiss, eagerly anticipating where his lips are going to end up.

He stops at the brim of my underwear and looks up at me.

"Can I—"

"Yes, yes, go ahead." I interrupt impatiently.

Vic chuckles as his fingertips trace the hem of the material.

"Do you even know what you just agreed to?" he beams.

"Don't care. I trust you. Just quit teasing me." I whine with a breathy giggle.

He shakes his head amused as he finally undresses me. I blush and look up at the ceiling, still feeling shy even though he's undressed me quite a few times now.

First I feel his hand, then his tongue, and not a moment later the soft inside of his mouth. I intake a large breath and twist my hands into the bedsheets, trying to keep ahold of myself. I've been waiting so long for this and now it seems like it's going to be over in an instant.

I enjoy it while I can. Panting, groaning, squirming. I don't dare look down at Vic once, in fear that the sight alone might be enough to push me over the edge and end this entire thing.

But before long, my attempts to delay the inevitable fail and it's over. I'm left in nirvana, lost in a bliss I've been craving for what feels like forever.

I finally look down at Vic, who's wiping his mouth on his sleeve. I let myself imagine what he looked like just a few seconds ago with my length between his lips, and I mentally kick myself for not having it in me to look down. Next time.

"You liked that?" Vic mumbles, kissing my inner thigh.

I cover my heated face and giggle like a little girl.

"Obviously." I murmur, grinning back down at Vic.

I sit up and hitch my boxers back up to my hips.

"Did you like doing that?" I murmur, cupping his cheek and pushing some hair behind his ear. I really hope he didn't force himself into this.

"I always like making your feel good." He chuckles softly, pressing his lips to mine.

I kiss him and lay back down, pulling him down on top of me. I slide my hand up his shirt and along his bare back.

"Maybe I could return the favour." I breathe into his mouth.

He lifts his body off mine then falls down next to me. I think that's his way of agreeing, until he sits up.

"No, that's okay." He says softly.

He wraps his arms around himself and looks blankly to the calendar on the wall like it's something he hasn't seen before, despite it being two months behind. I sense that there's something wrong so I sit up too and kiss his shoulder gently.

"What's going on?" I ask him softly.

He sighs deeply and shakes his head. Then after a few seconds he whispers "nothing".

Not convinced, I press on.

"No, there's something wrong." I push. "You keep avoiding sex and now you don't want me to touch you."

He doesn't respond, nor does he take his eyes off the calendar. I swallow dryly and curse the rising lump in my throat.

"Is it me?" I whisper squeakily.

Vic frowns and looks to me confused.

"Am I not attractive to you anymore?"

My voice shakes as I fear he's going to confirm the suspicions I've had for a while now.

"What? No." He dismisses. "Of course I'm attracted to you. It's not that. It's not you."

I'm immediately relieved.

"But it is something."

He sighs again and puts his head in his hands.

"You can talk to me." I remind him.

"It's embarrassing." He blurts out, surprising me.

"Embarrassing? Vic, you don't ever have to be embarrassed around me. I'm not going to judge and nothing will ever make me feel differently about you."

He lifts his head, revealing the tears in his eyes. He unravels his arms from around himself and takes my hand. He rests his forehead against my shoulder so I kiss the top of his head.

"I want to, I want to be intimate with you, but I can't, Kells." He whimpers.

"Why not?" I ask softly.

"No, I mean, I can't..."

Confused, I wait for him to elaborate but he doesn't.

"Babe, I don't know what you mean."

"I can't." He whispers again.

Then it hits me.

"You can't? Like you physically can't? Like you're struggling with...arousal?" I ask hesitantly, not want to be insensitive or embarrass him further.

He sniffs and nods. My heart sinks at the sheer anguish that covers his face.

"Hey," I whisper, lifting his chin and wiping a tear from his cheek. "You don't need to feel embarrassed. This isn't surprising considering how depressed you've been. Has this been happening since we got back from our honeymoon?"

"Pretty much." He nods, wiping his face. "I'm sorry."

"What are sorry for?" I coo.

"For not...we haven't—"

I shush him softly and rub his back.

"Don't apologize. You don't owe me anything, okay? We don't have to do anything. I'm completely okay with not having sex. I like doing literally anything else with you just as much." I explain. "I just wish you would have told me sooner. I thought there was something wrong with me, or you were interested in someone else, or Carter, like, told you things and you were disgusted."

I feel unbelievably stupid right now. I really just jumped to the worst conclusions. 

"Kellin, my feeling for you are never going to change, no matter the circumstances." He sighs, kissing my cheek softly.

"I know that. I just love you so much, I get scared sometimes." I admit shakily.

"I do too." He sniffs.

I smile softly and take his hand. Then he leans forward and kisses my lips.

"Mm, just as good as sex." I murmur which makes him chuckle. "You feel a little better now?"

"Yeah," he breathes.

"Good. Don't stress, okay? I'm sure things will start working normally when you're feeling better. Just give it time." I lull.

He nods again which is accompanied by a yawn, reminding me that it's so late and we've barely slept—I'm not even sure if Vic has slept at all.

"Why don't we get some sleep?" I suggest.

Vic gets under the covers and I follow, wrapping my arms around him and resting my head on his chest, making sure to be weary of the healing cuts under his sleeves.

I close my eyes but have no intention of falling asleep just yet. I want to make sure Vic falls asleep before I do.

But after a few moments, I realize that Vic is very much awake, in fact, I can hear his heart pounding in his chest.

I lift my head and look at his face through the moonlight. He looks stressed.

"What are you thinking about?"

He frowns at me and rubs my back.

"Don't worry about it, get some rest." He whispers.

"I won't be able to rest until you tell me what's on your mind."

He rubs his forehead then sighs.

"I just feel so...vulnerable." he mumbles. "I've been a mess. I kept all this in for so long so you didn't have to see this and now I'm crumbling right in front of you. I'm scared it's going to change the way you feel about me."

"Vic, I don't know why you feel the need to put up this strong facade for me. I think you forget that you used to tell me everything. This isn't a new side of you I haven't seen before, it's a side I've missed dearly and a side I fell so deeply in love with. It wasn't your tough exterior that made me fall for you Vic, it was those late nights we spent talking about our hopes and dreams, it was those times you let me hold you when you needed support, those times when you were vulnerable. I love every side of you, every part of you, don't forget that."

He smiles and nods as he nuzzles himself into my neck. He gently kisses my collarbone and wraps his arms around me tightly.

"You make me not want to die." He whispers.

My heart breaks a little at his confession. I can't imagine the pain he must be in, but I'm thankful he's feeling better, even if it's only momentarily.

"Get some sleep, babe." I murmur softly.

After a couple of minutes, Vic starts snoring softly and I'm relieved that not only is he at peace, but he's now safe from himself.

I try not to think about what might have happened if I hadn't woken up and Vic had taken those pills. But I'm once again engulfed in tragic 'what ifs' and I'm left awake pulsating with an anxiety that not even my meds can ease.

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