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Kellin

I struggle to see through my tears as I speed down the street, desperate to get to the last place I should be going. I don't know if anything I just said is true, I don't know if I'm ready to actually break up with Vic, all I know is that for tonight, I'm done. I just need to forget everything for a little while.

I pull up outside of Gunn's and I'm so pumped with emotion and adrenaline that I don't even hesitate before I head into the bar. There's a sense of shame, panic and doubt tugging at my stomach but I ignore it. I know I should call Jenna or do literally anything else, but I'm too fucking exhausted to adhere to my morals.

Sobriety seems like a fucking buzzkill right now.

I take a seat up at the bar and am served nearly instantly. I order two Red Bull and vodkas, one for right now, the second for immediately after I'm done with the first. 

There's a moment as my drinks are being made that I consider backing out, it's not too late, I can still leave with my dignity in tact. But what am supposed to go home to? A husband who doesn't want me? A loveless house? A meaningless job? Everything feels so purposeless without Vic. The sparks of love, life and joy were all I had and they're gone. They've been gone for a while now, I've just been too afraid to admit it.

I finally get my drinks and push away any second-guessing I was doing. I throw the liquid down my throat as fast as it will go down. Then I do it again. I order more drinks, again, and again, and again, until I try to order another drink and the bartender informs me that I've "had enough".

I'm annoyed by her statement. She clearly doesn't know much about alcoholism, because this definitely isn't enough.

"Fine," I say calmly as I stumble off the stool. I swear I can feel the alcohol sloshing around inside of me. "I will take my business elsewhere."

"Call a cab, buddy." she calls to me as I wobble out of the establishment. 

Before I plan to go do anything, I realize I desperately need to pee. Directing my frustration at the lady who won't let me drink anymore, I go over to the building, undo my pants, and relieve myself onto the brick wall. 

Feeling much better, I kick the piss off my shoes, pull up my pants then get into my car.

I just sit there thinking, not quite sure where to go or what to do. I can barely think straight. My only focus is on the emotion inside of me, the anger I have towards Vic. I fixate on how he probably, most definitely, maybe is cheating on me. 

Two can play that game.

I have a brilliant idea, so I start my car, and try to pull out but the car jerks forward, hitting the curb. 

"Shit," I mutter to myself, as I slide the gear stick into reverse and remind myself to be more careful.

I reverse out of the parking lot and drive with extra care down the street. I notice my vision become a little warped from time to time and my head isn't as clear as it should be. The alcohol is hitting me in a way it never has before and it takes me a moment to realize why; I'm not supposed to be drinking on my medication. At the time it was prescribed to me, I hadn't thought this would be a problem. How things change.

I eventually see the neon sign I was looking for and swing the car into a park out front. I shut off the engine, rip off my seatbelt and nearly fall out of the car as I open the door. I straighten myself up, then I focus on walking steadily into the club, not wanting to draw unwanted attention from the bouncer.

When I enter, I look around, squinting to find who I was looking for but I don't see him anywhere. I let myself glance at the strippers on stage but they don't interest me in the slightest. I do spot another bar though so I skip my way over to it. I order a shot of vodka and take it like medicine. 

"Do you know where Jonah is?" I ask the nice bartender who hasn't kicked me out.

God I hope he still works here.

"Out back, smoking." the bartender says pointing to a door.

I leave my cute little glass with him then head to the door. It leads out into a dark alleyway, and standing against the wall, blowing smoke from his lips is the man I'm looking for.

"There you are." I grin, walking over to him.

"Oh, hey, I remember you." Jonah smiles back, throwing his cigarette to the ground and standing on it.

I look him over, noting how he's wearing more clothes than when he was the last time I saw him, when he grinded against me on stage and then we made out in the bathroom.

"What can I do for you?" he chirps, seeming eager to please me.

"Twenty dollars for a blowjob, right?" I say, recalling the number he quoted me last year.

"That's right." he confirms.

I pull out my wallet and empty all the cash into my hand.

"How much for sex?" I ask.

He smirks and looks at the money in my hand, a contemplative look on his face.

"A hundred." He decides.

I don't care to negotiate as I count out a hundred dollars then shove the rest in my pocket. I hand him the money and he's quick to stash it away then he grabs my hips and pushes me up against the wall.

"You sure you want to do this?"

I don't even consider his question before nodding. His lips then immediately go to my neck.

"I never got your name." He says between kisses.

"Kellin," I inform him.

"Hm, I think about you a lot, Kellin. We never got to finish what we started in that bathroom." he purrs, taking the skin of my neck between his teeth.

It feels nice, not his kisses and bites, but hearing that he thinks about me. It's nice to feel wanted. I missed feeling wanted.

He stops kissing my neck and goes to kiss my lips, but like a reflex, I place my hand on his chest, stopping him. There's a split second of tense silence and in that split second, I notice how bad his breath smells of a cigarettes. It's nauseating. 

I take in the man before me, acknowledging that he's attractive and he's about to give me the attention I crave and the revenge I seek, but he's not Vic. He's not my husband. And I can't let him kiss me. Or touch me. Or fuck me. I just can't.

I suddenly feel naked, vulnerable, like I'm in danger.

With Vic, I feel safe and secure, but with this stranger about to do me in this alleyway, I feel anxious and out of control.

I find myself wishing Vic was here.

I burst into tears, flooded with guilt and disgust for myself. Jonah takes a step away from me as I slide to the dirty ground, completely coming undone.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he lulls, dropping to his knees in front of me.

"I'm sorry. I can't." I wail.

"That's okay, you don't have to do anything you don't want to." he assures me, with a gentle calming tone.

"I'm so sorry." I apologize again, feeling guilty for wasting his time, once again.

"It's fine, Kellin." he chuckles, lifting my chin with his fingertips. "Why don't you head home?"

"No, I can't," I say panicked as I dread the moment I have to face Vic. I grab Jonah's hand and pull him towards me. "Please stay. You can keep the money, just please stay, for a little while?"

He reluctantly nods and sits next to me, wrapping an arm around me. I look down at my hand and stare at my wedding ring, remembering how happy I was the moment Vic slid it on.

"I'm married." I whisper to Jonah.

And then I start spewing information at him, telling him everything, about Vic, about Carter, about everything that has happened in the past year that has led up to this moment, leaving me drunk, my relationship in shambles, cosied up to a stripper who I've paid to talk to me, in a dark alleyway.

When there's nothing left to tell him, we're left in a hefty silence. I can tell he doesn't know what to say. What is anyone supposed to say to all of that? But I don't mind his silence. I feel a million times lighter just getting it all off my chest. Maybe Vic was right, maybe I do need someone to talk to.

Jonah kisses my temple softly then unravels his arm from around me. 

"Let me give you a ride home." he offers.

I tiredly agree and he takes me around to his car. We get in, I buckle up, and he pulls away from the curb, a lot smoother than I did. I tell him where I live and he takes me home. The drive home is peaceful, and I begin to notice myself sobering up a little.

He pulls up in my driveway and I know I'm supposed to get out, but I feel like I can't even move.

I look up at the house that I no longer consider a home and wonder how my husband is going to react when I walk through those doors.

If he knew what I had almost just done, he probably wouldn't let me in the house. He'd probably never look at me the same way again.

"Hey," Jonah says softly. "It's going to be okay. Why don't you go drink some water, take a shower, get some rest."

I nod and pop open the car door but I still don't move.

"All you can do is try, Kellin." Jonah says softly. "Try talking to your husband. If he doesn't meet you halfway, you'll know this is on him and not on you. You'll know where you stand."

I smile sadly and nod again.

"Thank you." I whisper.

He gives me a soft smile and I finally slide out of the car. I hear him drive away as I stumble up to the front door. I take a deep breath and rest my head against the wood.

I reach for the doorbell and push it several times before the door pulls open and I fall into the arms of my husband.

"Oh God, you're back. I thought something happened to you. I was so worried." Vic chokes out, holding me tightly.

"I'm okay." I sigh, sinking into his chest, enjoying his warmth.

He pushes me back though and cups my cheek in his hand. He squints at me and I look into his eyes but struggle to focus through my blurred vision.

"Oh Kells," he sighs after a moment of realisation.

He pulls me back into his arms and kisses my forehead.

"Why don't we get you some water? Then you can take a shower and get some sleep." Vic suggests.

"M'okay." I mumble.

He picks me up then carries me into the kitchen, placing me on the counter.

"Are you okay?" he asks, trying to steady me as I sway. "Don't fall."

"Good idea." I nod slumping over to the side.

He gets a glass out of the cabinet and then fills it with water. He sits me up and tilts the glass to my lips. I swallow as much water as I can but most of it spills down my chin.

"Okay," he sighs flustered and puts the glass to the side. "Come here."

I slide off the counter and back into his arms. He carries me upstairs and takes me into our bathroom. He sits me on the floor then goes over to the shower, turning it on.

I watch him adjust the temperature. He looks stressed and so damn worn down. He's been crying. Maybe for hours. His cheeks are still puffy and red. I feel bad, because I did that. But he hurt me too. Maybe we're just not good for each other.

He kneels down in front of me and grabs the hem of my shirt.

"Is it okay if I take this off?" he asks me softly.

I nod, giving him my consent and he begins undressing me like I'm a child. I get brief flashbacks of when Carter would undress me while I was in an alcohol-induced state, memories I didn't even know I had. But I'm so numb from the liquor that I can't even react to the trauma. I just feel it.

When I'm unclothed, Vic places me under the shower stream. The warm water jolts me into a more alert state and I begin to feel nauseous.

"How are you doing?" Vic asks me, moving some wet hair out of my face.

"I feel like shit." I murmur.

"I know. I'm sorry." Vic whispers. "You'll feel better once you've rested."

My nausea intensifies quickly and I find myself emptying the contents of my stomach over the shower drain not a moment later.

Vic pulls my hair out of my face and rubs my back, getting his hoodie wet, but he doesn't seem to mind.

"You feel a little less shitty now?" he asks me, wiping the vomit from my chin.

I nod and close my eyes, resting against the wall.

"Let's get you to bed." he says softly.

The shower shuts off and I'm hit with a wave of cold air.

"Vic, towel." I whine.

"Two seconds." he says then I hear him hurrying out of the room.

I sit shivering, waiting for him to return but I lose consciousness for a minute. When I re-awaken, Vic is carrying me to bed. He places me down on the mattress and I land on something uncomfortable. I pull out a piece of scrunched up paper from under me and toss it at Vic, annoyed.

"Why'd you put all this paper here?" I mutter, pushing more paper off the bed.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, helping me get rid of more of the paper.

He climbs in the bed next to me and kisses my cheek.

"Roll over. I don't want you to choke." he tells me.

I huff feeling inconvenienced but do as I'm told and roll away from Vic so I'm laying on my side. He puts his arms around my waist and kisses my bare shoulder.

"I love you," he whispers. "so much. I'm so sorry." 

"I love you too." I sigh and with that I fall fast asleep, in his arms, for the first time questioning if this is where I belong.

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