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Vic

There's an overly enthusiastic knock on the door which startles me and leaves me confused. As curious as I am, I'm so wallowed into my depression right now that I consider not answering. But the knock repeats. Convinced by the persistence of whoever is outside, I walk over to the door and pull it open. I find Jenna grinning back at me. Her smile alone is exhausting but I'm also pleased to see her. I could really use a pick-me-up right now.

"What's with the knock?" I croak tiredly.

I take note of the tray of coffee and shopping bag in her hand.

"Figured it would be the last time I ever knock on this door, so I thought I'd make the most out of it." She beams. "Don't worry, I checked that Kellin was at work,"

"Hence the coffee," I point out, distracted from her strange statement by the cafe's logo printed on the takeaway cups.

"Exactly," she chirps, holding out the tray.

I take the cup closest to me and just as I'm about to take a much needed mouthful, I notice writing on the lid of my drink.

'I LOVE YOU xx'

I can't help but to smile. I have the sweetest husband. I finally take a sip of my coffee and it's perfect. I wonder if Kellin made it himself.

"You wanna come inside?" I ask Jenna, suddenly feeling a lot better and a lot more awake.

"Nope." she chirps confusing me.

She then sits down where she is and places her coffee to the side.

"Sit." she instructs.

I'm beyond confused, but do as she says. I sit down in front of her as she starts pulling things out of the shopping bag and placing them on the ground.

"Are you going to tell me what's happening?" I chuckle.

"Yes," she chirps, taking a drill set out of the bag. "I bought you guys a doorbell. You're going to help me install it."

"Oh," I say surprised. A doorbell is a great idea. Honestly, I feel stupid I didn't think of it myself. "You didn't have to do that."

"I wanted to. I wanted to do something for Kellin and I wanted to spend some time with you." She explains.

"Spend some time with me?" I frown. "Why?"

"Uh because you're my friend and I love you, dufus." she laughs. "And I wanted to see how you are doing."

I see the moment of concern in her eyes so I snatch up the doorbell box and open it up, trying to focus on something other than her pity.

"I'm doing fine." I tell her, emptying out the contents of the box and picking up the instructions.

"You don't look fine." she murmurs.

"Thanks." I say sarcastically.

"No, I just mean, you look tired. Kellin told me you haven't been sleeping very much." she explains, as she begins setting up the drill.

"Great, so now I'm being gossiped about behind my back." I mutter.

"Vic, it wasn't like that." she says sadly. "He's worried about you, that's all."

"He doesn't have reason to be." I mumble.

She doesn't say anything else and we work in near silence to install the doorbell. I'm tired and the last thing I want to be doing is engaging in social interaction and partaking in a tedious task. I just want to go to bed and lay there. But a coffee, Jenna's smile and Kellin's note has lifted my spirits enough to manage this for now.

Once the doorbell is installed, I ring it to make sure it works and a 'ding dong' sounds throughout the house.

I turn to Jenna smiling accomplished but she's frowning back at me.

"Kellin thinks you're cheating on him." she blurts out.

It takes me a moment to comprehend what she said.

"What? Why?" I ask alarmed.

"He said you've been distant and unengaged. He thinks you're interested in someone else." she sighs.

Stunned, I stumble backwards until I hit the wall then slide down it until I hit the ground, utterly floored by her confession.

"I'm not, I would never." I stammer out.

"I know." Jenna says firmly. "I told him that."

She's looking down at me with sad eyes, waiting for me to speak but I don't know what to say.

"I love him so much. How could he ever think otherwise?" I whisper.

I put my head in my hands feeling betrayed, humiliated and hurt. But ultimately guilty. Have I really been such a bad husband that the love of my life thinks I'm not into him anymore?

Jenna kneels down in front of me and rubs my knee gently.

"I think there's been a shift, with you, or with your relationship, that he doesn't understand so he's grasping at explanations. He's more worried about you than anything." 

"He has no reason to be." I say stubbornly.

"Vic, your whole energy is off. You look like you haven't slept in weeks. And I love you, but when was the last time you showered?" she says softly.

My cheeks heat with shame as I'm made aware of how much of a perceivable mess I am.

"I'm fine, Jen." I say a little more firmly. "I have a beautiful husband, a beautiful house, beautiful friends. I have no reason not to be happy."

Why can't I just be happy?

She sighs tiredly and begins packing up the drill set.

"I know you're not fine. Do you know how I know you're not fine?" 

"How?" I ask, rolling my eyes.

"Because you're acting like Kellin was last year." she says bluntly.

Her words make me feel sick. 

"Jenna, if you're just going to stand here and interrogate me you can fuck off." I snap defensively.

She looks hurt which makes me hate myself, more than I already do.

"I'm trying to help, Vic. You're scaring the shit out of me. I just want to make sure you're okay." she sighs, standing back up.

I take a deep breath to calm myself. As the frustration leaves my body, I realize just how broken down I am. I force myself to my feet so I'm eye-level with her.

"I appreciate the concern but it's unnecessary. Everything is absolutely fine, I promise." I assure her, hoping that she just gives up and believes me.

"Okay, if you say so. But you need to talk to Kellin. He thinks there's something going on and that's going to consume him if you don't ease his mind." she says defeated.

I nod, feeling a familiar lump rise in my throat. I don't know how I'm going to have that conversation.

After some tense silence, she tells me she's going to leave so she picks up her things, we exchange a half-assed goodbye then she's gone.

I push the doorbell for good measure then head back into my empty house and retake my position on the sofa where I plan to stay for the rest of the evening.

But anxiety rattles through my body as I consider Jenna's words. Kellin thinks I'm cheating on him. That's how bad of a husband I've been. My husband thinks there's someone else.

I need to get my shit together or at least try harder to fake it, before I lose the one thing I have left. I couldn't handle losing him.

I push myself off the sofa and go to the kitchen, deciding I'll start my redemption with making a nice dinner. I get to work on a simple pasta dish and the more into the cook I get, the more normal I feel. 

I taste the sauce, and it's good. I notice that I'm actually feeling hungry which is a pleasant change. 

Maybe this will work, maybe I could just fake it until I make it.

While the pasta cooks and the sauce simmers, I take the time to set the table nicely. I light some candles and wish I had a bouquet of flowers to really set the scene but I don't have time to go out and get one so I settle on a cheesy note. 

As I'm taking the pasta off the stove, I hear the doorbell ring and then the front door open and close. 

"Vic?" Kellin calls, sounding confused.

"In here." I call back.

He comes into the kitchen not a moment later, with a surprised smile on his face.

"What's all this?" he asks. "and since when did we have a doorbell?"

"Thought I'd make us dinner. And Jenna and I installed it today." I chirp.

"You're so sweet." he sighs, placing his keys and wallet on the counter. I watch his shoulders slump down as if an invisible weight just fell off of them."It smells good."

He walks over to me and slides his arms around my waist before kissing my cheek.

"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable." he murmurs then he leaves the room.

I dish up our food when it's ready and sit at the table, waiting for Kellin to join me. He walks into the room and takes my breath away. He's just wearing a loose tank and some sweatpants, nothing special, but it's been a while since I've taken notice of how attractive he is. After all this time, he still flusters me with his beauty.

"What?" he blushes when he catches me staring.

"Nothing, you're just gorgeous." I grin.

He bites back a smile and takes a seat in front of his plate of pasta. That's when he finds the note I wrote him.

"I couldn't pasta-bly love you more." he reads and playfully rolls his eyes. "Not your best pun, but still cute."

"Hey, there are only so many pasta-related puns." I chuckle.

He doesn't say anything and looks at me fondly.

"What?" I ask confused.

"That's the first time I've heard you laugh in days. It's nice. I missed it." he mumbles.

I feel guilty, again. I hadn't realized how noticeably dysfunctional I've been lately. No wonder Kellin thinks I'm cheating on him.

We begin eating and I ask him about his day, hanging off his every word as he tells me how a customer left him a twenty dollar tip.

"He was probably hitting on you." I joke.

Kellin forces a smile and shrugs.

"I wouldn't know. Don't really pay much attention to other men. I'm married. Happily married." he mumbles. 

I swallow uncomfortably and reach for his hand. I bring his wedding band up to my lips then kiss his engagement ring that sits directly above it. How do I tell him I'm not cheating on him without directly saying it?

He pulls his hand away and silently goes back to eating his dinner.

"How is the food?" I ask him softly, desperate to break the tension that lingers in the air.

"It's good. Really good." Kellin chirps.

"I'm sorry I haven't been cooking much lately. I'll try to keep on top of things."

He smiles and nods.

"Thank you." he says softly.

More silence immediately follows his words. There once was a time we never shut up around each other. What happened? How do we get back there?

"Hey, do you want to watch a movie after this?" I suggest, hoping to get some semblance of a conversation going.

"I would love to." Kellin smiles. "Dinner, a movie, maybe some cuddles?"

"Oh definitely some cuddles." I chuckle.

"Sounds like a perfect night." he sighs, his gaze locking with mine longer than it has all week.

I can see the longing in his eyes. I should never have denied him the perfect simplicities of our relationship. No wonder he's doubting my love for him.

I end up finishing my entire plate of food for the first time in weeks which gives me the illusion of normalcy.

"Why don't you go pick a movie while I quickly wash up?" I suggest, taking mine and Kellin's plate to the sink.

"Forget the dishes, just come be with me." Kellin pleads softly, coming over and tugging on my arm.

I don't argue and happily abandon the dishes. He takes my hand pulls me up the stairs into our room. We settle on the bed then quickly decide on a movie. Kellin cozies up to me and I hold his body against mine. My hand instinctively slips under his shirt, feeling the warmth of his skin against my palm. I guess I really missed this too.

"Your little note on my coffee really made my day." I murmur to Kellin. 

He looks to me grinning.

"That was the intention." he giggles.

He presses his lips to mine and I close my eyes, enjoying his kiss. He pulls back but only briefly before he kisses me again, this time harder. I try hard not to meet his energy, not to give him the false hope that this will go somewhere, but he doesn't seem to care much at all. He knows what he wants.

"I want you," he gasps into my mouth.

I pull back a little and swallow hard, trying to find a way to let him down gently. He leans towards me and grabs my bottom lip between his teeth, biting it softly.

"I'm willing to try something new, we can do it however you like, whatever you want, baby." he whispers.

His hands slide up my shirt, travelling along my stomach and making their way to my chest.

"Please, I miss you. I need you." he begs softly.

I take his wrists and gently guide his hands out from under my shirt. I stare into his eyes as I watch the lust fade and embarrassment takes its place.

"I can't, Kells. I'm sorry." I apologize sincerely.

The tears are instant so he covers his face with his hands and sits up.

"Kells," I coo softly, placing my hand on his shoulder but he shrugs me off.

"Just don't." he sniffs.

"Let's just cuddle and watch the movie." I suggest, desperate to get back to the magical place we were no more than two minutes ago.

He shakes his head and drops his hands, revealing his tear-stained cheeks.

"Yeah, let's just pretend that everything is a-fucking-okay when it's not." he snaps sarcastically.

"Kell, we don't need to make a big deal out of this." I sigh tiredly, wishing that he'd just drop it. I'm embarrassed enough as it is.

"This isn't a big deal?" he laughs through his tears. "I have never felt more unattractive, more unwanted and more unloved."

My heart shatters. I never meant to make him feel like that.

"Kells, I love you." I say gently.

"Could have fooled me." he mutters, sliding out of bed. I watch him as he paces across the room and slides his shoes on.

"Where are you going?" I ask confused and alarmed as I shoot up from the pillow.

"Away from you." he grumbles, getting a jacket from his closet then heading for the door.

I leap to my feet and follow him down the stairs.

"Kells, I'm sorry, please, just come back to bed." I plead.

He ignores me and goes into the kitchen to get his keys from the counter. I stop at the foot of the stairs and sit down, feeling hopeless and exhausted. Things were going so well then I had to go and fuck it up.

"Where are you going?" I ask desperately as I watch Kellin head to the front door.

He doesn't answer me again.

As he pulls open the door, I feel what's left of my broken heart rise to my throat. My own husband can't even stand to be near me.

He turns to me for good measure and looks at with a fiery hatred in his glassy eyes.

"Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is that the only person who has ever wanted to fuck me was a rapist?" he hisses then he walks out the door, slamming it shut, and splintering me into pieces.

I jump to my feet and rip open the door, just in time to see Kellin getting into his car.

"Kellin, it's not what you think it is." I call hopelessly.

"I don't care anymore, Vic, You can do whatever you want, you can fuck whoever you want, I don't care. I'm done. I'm done with this." he calls back.

"Done with what?" I choke out panicked.

"With this. With you, with me. With us. I've had enough, I'm done."

And with that, he closes his car door, starts the engine and pulls out of the driveway, leaving me all alone. And it's exactly what I deserve. 

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