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Vic

I'm mindlessly watching TV on the sofa until two arms wrap around my neck from behind me, startling me.

"G'morning Handsome." Kellin grins, kissing my cheek softly.

He seems to be in a good mood. He's in a good mood more often than not lately. He hasn't stopped smiling for days. And honestly, it's exhausting. His happiness contrasts clearly against my misery which is putting a lot of pressure on me to fake happy.

"Oh, you're prickly." Kellin giggles, rubbing my unshaven cheek.

He then skips off into the kitchen, assumingly to make himself breakfast.

"You get up early this morning and go for a run or something?" he calls.

"Huh?" I hum back confused.

I haven't been anywhere this morning. In fact, I've been on this sofa all night, which seems to be a common occurrence for me.

"You smell sweaty." he laughs.

"Oh." I frown, suddenly becoming aware of my odor.

I can't pinpoint the day I showered last. I keep forgetting. Or when I do remember, I'm too exhausted to get up and go through the whole process.

"Yeah," I call back. It's a lie. The last thing I want to do is worry Kellin and I'd rather not admit the embarrassing fact that my hygiene has been, well, less than hygienic lately.

Kellin soon comes back into the room and sits down next to me. He hands me a steaming mug of coffee and kisses my cheek again.

"Oh, you're so sweet." I swoon, grateful for the gesture.

I take a sip of my much needed coffee then rest my head against Kellin's shoulder, craving his comfort after a long night of self-hatred and self-harm.

"I don't mind this rugged look on you. So sexy." he murmurs, gently touching my thigh.

I smile sadly. There's only so many times I can avoid his advances before he starts to notice that something's off.

"I might go shower." I announce, taking another gulp of my coffee then putting it down.

"Good idea. I love you, but you stink." Kellin chuckles.

I know he's just being playful, but I'm definitely feeling a little sensitive right now.

I kiss Kellin's cheek then leave the room and head upstairs without another word. I find some clothes then go into our ensuite, making sure to lock the door before I start the shower. I look at myself in the mirror as I wait for the water to warm up.

I look almost as bad as I feel. The dark circles under my eyes are so defined and obvious that I'm shocked Kellin hasn't brought them up yet. The dark stubble on my face is bordering on a beard and my hair is noticeably unwashed and untamed.

I unzip my jacket and carefully peel it off my fresh cuts. Then I pull my shirt off over my head. My eyes scan my thin figure, my untoned muscles, my unattractive body. Then I finally look to the cuts that cover my skin. From elbow to wrist on both arms. To say I got carried away would be an understatement. I can barely see the healed scars underneath them. My recovery is a distant memory.

I roll my eyes at my reflection, frustrated with myself. I watch steam begin to cover the mirror which reminds me of what I'm supposed to be doing. I finish getting undressed and then I get into the shower, under the water.

The stream feels good against my back but not my open wounds. I know I need to thoroughly wash my body and my hair but right at this moment I can't bring myself to do anything but stand here.

I hear the door handle suddenly jiggle then there's a knock on the door.

"Babe, why is the door locked? I was kind of hoping to join you." Kellin calls through the door.

"Oh," I panic. "I guess locking doors is a bit of a habit now. I'm in the middle of washing my hair. Why don't you use the other bathroom?"

I hear him huff loudly then he walks away.

I sigh relieved, thankful I locked the door. I don't know what I'd do if Kellin saw my wrists.

I decide that I should probably actually wash myself so I force myself into the menial task.

After I finish in the shower, I wrap a towel around my waist and stand in front of the basin, ready to tackle this facial hair. But as I drag the razor down my face for the first time in a while, I find myself distracted for a moment and I nick my cheek. Blood rises to the surface of the cut quickly and the sight triggers me. I look down at my arms then back at the blade and gulp.

I quickly shake the thought out of my head and take a deep breath. Now is not the time.

I clean the blood then go back to shaving, keeping in mind to be more careful. After doing a half-assed job, I finish up and get dressed. I leave the bathroom and go back downstairs where I find Kellin sitting on the sofa, typing on his phone.

He turns back to me and frowns when he notices I'm in the room.

"Is everything okay?" he asks me softly.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I assure him quickly.

He glances down at his lap and sighs. He's still frowning when he looks back up at me. I haven't seen him frown in days. Here I am ruining his good mood like I always ruin everything.

"I mean, like, are we okay?" he murmurs, his voice cracking a little.

My heart leaps to my throat. He's doubting our relationship. He wants to leave me.

"I thought we were fine." I choke out anxiously.

"We are! I mean, I think we are. Things just feel a little off between us lately. You feel...distant. And we haven't, you know, been physical in a while. You don't even sleep next to me most nights." he rambles with a shaky voice.

So he has noticed.

I scratch the back of my neck and take deep breaths through my nose as I fight off tears.

"I," I pause, trying to think up an excuse. "I haven't been sleeping well lately."

Kellin nods in understanding, "I've noticed."

"I'm just tired. I'm sorry. I'll try to be more present."

He smiles and lets out a relieved sigh.

"Okay, thank you." he chirps. "Is something keeping you up? Do you want to talk?"

He pats the spot next to him looking hopeful but the thought of Kellin asking questions makes me anxious so I come up with another excuse—something that I'm getting scarily good at.

"No, I think my sleeping pattern is just out of sync. I was actually going to go out and look for a job today so I should probably get going." 

"Oh cool. Do you want me to tag along? I'm free today." Kellin offers, grinning at me.

My heart breaks a little every time I have to turn him down.

"I think I've got it, Kells. But I'll see you later." 

His smile falters a little. He tries to hide it, but I see it.

Why do I keep hurting the guy I love?

I leave the house pretty soon after that, not wanting to burden him with my existence any longer.

Feeling a little more human, and a little less shitty, after my shower, I actually look around town for a job.

I go everywhere, handing out my unimpressive resumé, and I get a lot of the same answer—"We'll take a look at it and get back to you."

Even I know that's code for "you didn't get the job, in fact, we're not even going to consider you for the job".

It reminds me of when I was looking for a job as a teenager and no one would hire me. I'm sure I was racially profiled in retail establishments and I was shorter than the average guy my age and quite scrawny, so I was turned away from labor work.

My tio was a life-saver when he offered me a job at his mechanic shop. And I mean, quite literally. Between having a job to focus on and a best friend to live for, I began to feel less depressed over time until eventually it was manageable and I didn't want to hurt myself anymore.

But now my uncle is gone, my job is gone, and I'm slowly losing my best friend too. I feel like things are worse than they've ever been.

When the sun starts to set, I decide to give up. Maybe it's because I didn't dress presentable enough because I didn't plan on doing this today, maybe my negative energy is rubbing off onto everyone I meet, or maybe this town is just really racist. It doesn't even matter. At the end of the day, I'm still unemployed.

I feel like a failure. My husband gave me one task and that was to find a job. I can't even do that. I can't support him financially. All I do is burden him.

Feeling quite low and not in the mood to go home just yet, I decide to go get a drink to lift my spirits a little.

I park outside the closest bar which is called "Gunn's", then I head inside to have a whiskey.

I slump down on a stool at the bar and ask the woman who is working to get me a drink. I sip it slowly, wanting to savour it.

I haven't had a drink in over a year. I don't want to drink in front of Kellin. But he's not here right now and I need something to lift my spirits so I can go home and face my husband.

I polish off the drink pretty quickly and am about to get up and leave when someone stops me.

"You okay, buddy?"

I look up to see the bartender eyeing me cautiously.

"I'm unemployed, sexually dysfunctional and a complete and utter failure." I mumble, surprising myself.

I look down at my empty glass and frown.

"And now apparently a lightweight." I sigh.

"Sounds like hell." she chuckles. "You want another?"

"Why not?" I mutter, my inhibitions fading away as my body struggles to process the alcohol inside me slower than it once did.

She gets me a second drink then leans over the counter.

"I can't help with your bedroom troubles but I may be able to do something about a job. Do you got a resumé?" she chirps.

I pull out a copy I had stuffed in my pocket. It's less than presentable but at this point I don't care.

I close my eyes as I take another sip of my drink. I let the cold, crisp liquid take me away for a second. It takes me back to a time before everything happened. When Kellin and I were best friends, when my tio was alive, a time before Carter, back when everything was okay.

"So you held the same job for fifteen years. That's pretty good." she smiles, looking up at me. "You have any experience working a register?"

"My husband manages a cafe. I've filled in a few times when he's been short-staffed." I explain, looking at her hopefully.

"Tip for future, put that on here. Even if you haven't been formally employed. I'm sure your husband would vouch for you." she explains.

I nod feeling stupid. It's been a while since I've written a resumé.

"Why don't you come in some time next week and I'll what I can do for you?" she chirps.

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah, just ask for Lyndsey if I'm not out here serving." she explains.

"Okay, thank you." I smile feeling relieved.

She just nods then walks off to serve another customer.

I gulp down my whiskey feeling better than I have in a long time. Feeling the need to celebrate my small victory, I order a beer.

I can't help but to think of my husband and how pleased he'll be with me. Maybe I'm not a complete failure after all.

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