Array
(
[text] =>

"It feels like forever since we've done this." Kellin sighs, stuffing popcorn into his mouth as he makes himself comfortable on our bed. He rests against me as the movie begins playing. I don't know what he picked nor do I care, I'm just happy to be close to him.

"Since we've done what?" I ask confused.

"Spent some quality time together," he beams, nudging me with his elbow as he lays his head against my shoulder.

His smile lights up my world for a split second but it feels dark and cold again not a moment later.

"What do you mean? We spend a lot of time together. We literally live together." I chuckle confused.

"I know but," Kellin pauses. "things have been a little tense lately. We haven't actually been super focussed on each other since the honeymoon."

I immediately feel like that's my fault.

"I'm sorry." I apologize.

He frowns and shakes his head.

"Don't be sorry. It's not your fault. I've been distracted lately." he admits.

"Distracted with what?" I ask concerned.

He pauses and glances away from me.

"You know, work and whatever." he mumbles.

He kisses my cheek and turns back to the TV. I put my arm around him but something feels off. He's tense now.

"You okay, babe?" I ask him softly.

"Yeah," he chirps smiling at me.

"You feel very tense." I point out.

He chuckles and rubs the back of his neck.

"I think my body just doesn't know how to calm down sometimes." he smiles sadly.

"Is there something I could do? A massage maybe?" I offer just wanting him to feel better.

"A massage would be great." he grins. "I love how you always know exactly what I need."

I smile and kiss the back of his neck.

"Take your shirt off and lay down." I murmur.

I admire him as he lifts his shift over his head, then he lays on his stomach across the bed. I place my hand on his beautiful back and press gently into his tight muscles.

"Mmm that's so good." he breathes.

Warmth fills my chest again for a brief moment, then it's gone. I work my way up his back and between his shoulder blades where he seems to hold most of his stress. I suddenly hear a loud pop and Kellin groans.

"Holy shit, was that your shoulder? Are you okay?" I ask alarmed.

Kellin laughs and rolls onto his back.

"That felt so good. I think I needed that." he beams, cupping my cheek.

He pulls my lips down to his and kisses me hard. I melt on top of him and just enjoy the feeling of his kiss. His legs wrap around me and I instinctively grab his thigh, which causes him to breathe a moan against my mouth.

I pause, realizing where this is going, or at least where Kellin thinks this is going. I feel almost...inconvenienced. Which is not at all how I want to feel in relation to my husband wanting to have sex with me.

I so badly want to be into this, and a part of me is. I can acknowledge that my husband is incredibly attractive, I can acknowledge that his moans are sexy, his kisses are sexy, I can acknowledge that usually I'd already be undressing him by this point.

But right now, I'm not feeling it at all. It's actually been quite some time since I have felt up to sex, which makes me feel like a failure of a husband. I know that I'm not meeting Kellin's needs and my marital obligations, which just makes me worry that Kellin's going to think I'm inadequate.

He looks at me concerned when he realizes I'm not super engaged in his kisses.

"You okay?" he asks worried.

I swallow dryly and look down at my beautiful husband. God, I'm so sick of disappointing him. Maybe I could just force myself to do this? Once we get started, I'll probably start enjoying it anyway. I could keep my shirt on to conceal the cuts, it'll be fine. It'll be good.

"I'm fine." I decide, but my voice cracks with doubt.

I kiss him again to better sell my lie then I move my hand down to his crotch to distract him for my nerves.

He moans instantly as I begin groping him and I smile, a genuine smile. I like making him feel good. Maybe that's all I need to get through this.

He pushes me onto my back and he climbs on top, where he likes to be, then he grinds himself against me.

Usually I'd be hard as a rock right now and desperate to get out of my clothes, but that doesn't seem to be the case today. I seem to be a little slow.

Maybe Kellin notices, because he speedily undoes the button on my jeans and slides his hand beneath them.

He rubs me sensually, but it doesn't take long for me to realize that my body isn't just being slow-it's not responding at all. He's stroking me but nothing is happening. It doesn't feel good like it usually does, it doesn't feel bad either though. It feels like nothing.

Panic rushes through me and I grab Kellin's wrist, pulling his hand from below my pants.

"I feel nauseous." I spit out the first excuse that comes to mind.

"What? What's wrong?" he frowns confused.

"I think I'm going to be sick." I elaborate. My voice wavers a little which makes me want to kick myself.

"Oh," Kellin frowns. "Okay."

He climbs off of me and I immediately sit up.

My face feels like its in a sauna and I glance at Kellin but he's looking down at his hands.

To avoid further embarrassment, I quickly stumble to my feet then rush to the ensuite and close the door, locking it.

There's a second of stillness before I finally fall to the floor in a flood of tears. I cry quietly as shame wraps itself around me until I'm sure I'm suffocating in it.

Whatever virility, whatever dignity I had is now gone. My husband wanted to have sex and I couldn't even get it up. What the fuck is wrong with me?

It's a few minutes before there's a soft knock on the door.

"Vic, babe, I got you a glass of water. Are you okay?" Kellin asks softly from outside the door.

The worry in his tone makes me hate myself even more.

I take a breath and wipe my tears then I stand up. I go flush the toilet to make my lie believable then I go back over to the door and open it.

"You okay?" Kellin repeats, his wide-eyes looking back at me.

"Yeah," I whisper. Another lie. All I do is lie.

He passes me the glass of water in his hand and I take a sip.

"Why don't you come lie down?" he says softly.

I just nod and let him take my hand, leading me to bed. We get back under the covers and Kellin wraps his arms around me.

"You sure you're okay? That kind of came out of nowhere." he murmurs.

"Yeah," I say again, trying to sound a little more assuring. "You know what? I've been feeling kind of off all day. I must be coming down with something."

"I'm sorry, babe. If there's anything I can do, just let me know." he pouts.

I kiss his forehead, cherishing his kindness and cuteness. He goes back to watching the movie but I just stare up at the ceiling, trying to think thoughts that will jumpstart my body into working so I can satisfy my husband.

"I actually wanted to talk to you about something, if you're feeling up to it." Kellin says, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I look at him concerned but he's still watching the TV.

"Is it serious?" I ask anxiously.

"Not really." he shrugs, giving me a gentle smile.

"Okay, what's up?" I ask him.

"So I was thinking I would like to take a little time off from work. Not like a lot of time off, but drop a shift every now and again." he explains.

"Okay, sounds good." I smile at the thought of having him home more thus not being alone with myself all day.

"Yeah, and I was also thinking, maybe, if you're ready-only if you're ready-you could find a job. It would make me a lot more comfortable with taking some time off and I think it might be good for you to get out of the house a little more, have something to focus on." he suggests hesitantly.

"Oh," I frown, suddenly feeling under an immense amount of pressure.

"You don't have to. It's just a suggestion. I know it's not going to be easy for you." Kellin reassures me but I'm left feeling guilty. I don't want him to be stressed about taking time off because I'm not chipping in. He's my husband. I should be providing for him.

"No, I'll do it. You're right. It might be good for me." I decide, forcing a smile, but dread begins to form in the pit of my stomach.

The only job I ever had was at my tio's shop. I've never worked anywhere else. I don't know how I'm going to handle being reminded that he's no longer alive every time I walk into a workplace. Where would I even work? Who would hire me? I don't have any qualifications and the only person who can write me a recommendation killed himself. And then there's the fact that I can barely make it off the couch these days. I can barely bring myself to cook dinner. How am I going to handle a full-week's work?

I turn back to the TV and tightly wrap my arms around my stomach, feeling as though I might actually throw up this time.

Kellin kisses my shoulder and rests his head against it, seeming content with himself and unaware of the hurricane of panic my mind is in.

I spend so long trying to wrap my head around the whole concept of job-searching that when I finally find it in me to push the thoughts from my mind, the credits for the movie are rolling and Kellin has fallen fast asleep on my shoulder.

Determined not to sink into my head again, I pick up the remote and switch the TV to the late night infomercials. The exuberant voice of the salesman immediately jolts Kellin awake.

"Sorry, Love." I apologize, quickly turning down the TV as Kellin's eyes flicker back shut and he rests back down on my shoulder.

"These commercials are so annoying." he mumbles. "I don't know how you watch them."

"I'm sorry." I apologize again. "Do you want me to go watch TV downstairs?"

Kellin's eyes reopen and they hold sadness.

"I guess." he sighs. "But come back to bed when you're ready, okay?"

I nod and switch off the TV then I carefully move myself out from under him.

He grabs my neck as I slide out of bed, pulling me back down to him so he can kiss me goodnight.

"I love you." he whispers sleepily as he drops to the pillow and closes his eyes.

His words inflate me with guilt, as I'm once again reminded that I hold something I don't deserve, something I should have lost long ago-his love.

I'm so buried in shame that I forget to say it back, then I head downstairs and drop down on the sofa. I switch the TV on to drown out my self-hatred, but it only fuels it more.

I watch the salesman on the infomercial as he tries to sell me home exercise equipment with stupid names. A video plays to the side of a muscular man using a bench press. I run my hand down my own biceps as I watch his pulsate under the pressure of the weights.

I haven't been to the gym in months and I definitely haven't been eating enough to maintain my muscle mass. I know I'm not as muscular as I used to be. I see it every time I look in the mirror. And I wonder if Kellin sees it too. He has to. I'm worried I'm not attractive to him anymore. And I wouldn't blame him. I hate my body lately. I hate myself.

I don't go back to bed as Kellin requested. Instead I spend the rest of the night considering the burden I am to my husband and contemplating whether he would be better off without me.

[text_hash] => 27db81d9
)