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My phone buzzes beside me, interrupting my 3am thoughts and startling me. The light illuminates the room.

I panic for a second about the brightness disturbing my roommate but then I remember Vic can't see light. God, this is going to take some getting used to.

I look over him. He's asleep, facing the wall and away from me. He has the blanket pulled up to his underarm, leaving his shoulders and some of his bare back exposed. Just from that small section of his back, I can tell his body is really attractive. He seems so toned, and tanned, and I'm fighting to look away.

I eventually force myself to look back down at my phone, then I turn the brightness down to protect my own eyes. I notice it's a text from Brandon which makes my heart leap to my throat.

B♡: Hey

I cringe at the sight of the heart and the nickname. I guess I forgot to delete his number.

I frown at the message, unsure if I should answer it.

B♡: Are you awake?

My heart is beating in my chest, faster than it should. I havent spoken to him since I broke up with him. It took him a week after the breakup to stop blowing up my phone with messages.

B♡: I miss you♥

That message hurts.

B♡: Can we talk?

B♡: Please?

I want to turn my phone off and not look at it until those messages magically disappear, but I still feel guilty about how I ended things, and about ending things in general. That's if you can end things without technically being in a relationship.

I finally open the message which instantly marks it as read. To not reply now would be a dick move.

Kellin: what do you want to talk about?

The message is read as soon as it's sent and barely a second later he's typing out a message. I watch the blinking dots on my screen, nervous for what he's about to say.

Is he going to tell me he hates me? That I'm a horrible person? That I should just lock myself away so I don't hurt anyone else? That's what I think anyway.

But that's not what I receive. Of course not. Brandon's a sweetheart. I'm the asshole.

B♡: About us and the way things ended. I'm still confused and I'm worried about you. I can't sleep anymore. It's driving me insane, not knowing why. Did you realize you weren't attracted to after we did it? Did I do something wrong or weird? I'm just so confused. I need an explanation.

I read over his message and immediately feel sick and overwhelmed. I don't know how to tell him the truth without saying too much.

It's five whole minutes before I can accumulate my thoughts enough to type out a message. The least I can do is reassure him that it wasn't his fault.

Kellin: It had nothing to do with you, I promise. I just need to be alone for a while. I'm not interested in a relationship and I think I was sending you the wrong signals. I'm really sorry about that. You're a great guy, you'll find someone.

I'm in tears by the time I hit send. He means a lot to me and I was really falling for him. It sucks that I had to hurt him, and it sucks that I'm being so cold towards him.

After what feels like an eternity of Brandon typing, I receive another message.

B♡: You talk like I meant nothing to you, like we weren't dating for two months, like I didn't give you my virginity, my heart. And we were DATING, Kellin. I know it wasn't verbally established, but we were a couple. You can deny it all you want, but you weren't just some random hookup to me, and I refuse to be some random hookup to you. Did I imagine everything? Am I losing it? Because I swear you were falling for me too. If I'm such a "great guy" then you should want to be with me. So what's the truth, Kell? Why did you just leave me?

I'm overwhelmed but not surprised by his message. Brandon has always been very open about his feelings.

I stare at his words for a long time. I wish I could answer his questions, I wish I could ease his anxieties, but I can't.

Kellin: I'm sorry.

And then after that, I turn my phone off. Because I'm a coward and an asshole.

Feeling nauseated and overwhelmed, I wipe down my cheeks then get out of bed.

As quietly as possible, I creep around the room and slide some shoes and a jacket on. I grab my keycard then leave.

The dorm building is eerie at night. I'm so used to there being a handful of people roaming about, but right now it's silent and empty.

There's some small lights illuminating the hallway and one of them is flickering. I still feel like I'm suffocating so I head down the stairs and leave the building altogether.

I walk around the campus grounds as I consider going to see my sister. I could use one of her amazing sisterly hugs right now but I don't want to disturb her or her roommate.

So I just walk around the grounds, very briefly admiring the way the garden and the water feature looks in the moonlight. But I'm mostly distracted by my pestering thoughts.

As much as I don't want to, I can't help but to think about Brandon.

I've more or less moved on from him romantically, but the guilt from hurting him still eats me alive. He trusted me enough to have his virginity, and I took it, then I left him the next day.

Things just got too real for me. I had sex with a guy and it scared the shit out of me and destroyed a lot of my progress.

He wasn't the only one hurting. I locked myself away for days. I was so sickened by the entire situation. It was fine in the moment, in fact, it was amazing. But the morning after, I felt like I was thirteen again and being attracted to a guy was the worst thing in the world.

I begin to think about Vic and about all the guys he's probably proudly had sex with. I doubt he woke up the next day and started crying. I doubt he had problems going out in public with his boyfriends. I doubt he feels nauseated by the word boyfriend.

One day I truly hope to be like him. I want to be proud of who I am. I want to stop cringing every time I catch myself being attracted to someone. I want to be able to hang banners of self-identity and not be ashamed of it. I hope to be able to tell people straight off the bat that I'm attracted to guys. I want to stop saying that I'm attracted to guys and start confidently without hesitance saying that I'm gay.

After a good half an hour, I circle back around the campus grounds, feeling deflated. I make my way back into the building and go back up to my dorm room. I take out my keycard and insert it into the panel. It goes red.

Completely frustrated and overwhelmed, I can't help but to burst into tears. I turn around and slide down the door, placing my face in my palms.

I just let out my tears of exhaustion, relieving myself in the process. I've bottled up so much these past few weeks, I think a good cry is what I need.

Although, I suddenly find myself falling backwards as the door opens behind me. I look up at Vic, who's standing over me. I can barely make out his face through my tears and the dark but I can tell he's not looking directly at me.

"Kellin?" he frowns.

"Sorry," I sniff as I sit up.

"What's wrong?" he asks softly.

The question makes me tear up again.

"I couldn't get the door open." I choke out then start sobbing again.

I put my face back in my hands and try to urge myself to calm down.

I feel Vic's hand on my back as he kneels beside me.

I get one whiff of his musky cologne and can't help but to throw my arms around his neck. I bury my face in his chest and his arms instantly wrap back around me.

I immediately find myself calming down as his hand begins running down my back. It's been so long since I've been in a man's arms and I can't deny how good it feels. How can something that seems so wrong in my mind, feel so goddamn right?

"I'm sorry." I sniff, absolutely mortified, but I'm not yet ready to leave his embrace.

"Where'd you go?" he asks softly.

"For a walk." I whisper. "Needed to clear my head."

"Looks like it didn't work." he chuckles a little.

I shake my head slightly, causing my cheek to brush against his collarbone. I then realize he still doesn't have a shirt on so I pull back and take a look at his toned body. And fuck, this is definitely not one of those moments where I believe I'm straight.

I tear my gaze away, in case Vic can feel me staring. I glance up at his face and notice he's wearing his sunglasses. I don't understand their purpose but I'm too afraid to ask.

"Are you okay?" Vic asks softly.

I'm then snapped right back into reality.

"Oh, yeah." I breathe, wiping my tears. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't. I couldn't sleep." Vic explains.

I take a deep breath then stand up. Vic does the same, but stands still, seeming unsure of what to do. I take my keycard from the door and then close it, hoping that I didn't wake anyone else up with my little episode.

"God, I'm so sorry. You can go back to bed." I sigh.

"It's fine, Kellin." Vic chuckles.

I can't help but to admire the sound of his laugh and the way he says my name.

I go sit down on my bed and sneak another glance at Vic. I feel like a pervert but I haven't seen a guy shirtless since Brandon. I've denied myself that luxury for the last few months and now that it's right in front of me, I can't help myself.

Vic finally moves and makes his way back to his bed which stops me from looking at him. I move my eyes to the ceiling and glue then there, then take a deep breath to calm myself down.

"I'm really sorry. That was humiliating." I whisper, still embarrassed by the entire ordeal.

"Don't be. College is overwhelming and stressful. I get it." Vic sighs.

"Yeah." I breathe. "Can't imagine what it's like for you though."

The words just slip out before I think about them, but I realize what I've said immediately after. I hold my breath, waiting for Vic's response.

"Everyone has their own stressors. And stress is subjective. I have a lot of difficulty regarding my blindness but then again, I'm not the one crying about a door." he explains.

His little stab at me feels deserved. I shouldn't have assumed Vic's blindness is an obvious handicap.

"Yeah, you have a point." I chuckle nervously. "I'm just, I'm sorry. I've never known a blind person before. You're a lot more capable than I first imagined."

I fear my last comment would come off the wrong way but Vic doesn't seem fazed.

"You probably have a lot of misconceptions about blind people. Most people do. It's okay. I've been blind for a while now so I've more or less gotten the hang of things. Believe it or not, but being blind doesn't make me useless." he explains with a small chuckle.

"How do you know where you're going?" I blurt out the question. "Ah, I'm sorry. That was rude. And probably a dumb question."

I decide to shut up before I humiliate myself further.

"It's okay." Vic laughs. "Ask all the questions you want. Seriously. We're living together. I'd prefer you understood my condition than ignore it and make assumptions."

I let a breath of relief and glance at Vic who's staring at his ceiling, well not staring, more like facing.

"And to answer your question, I count steps and feel for identifiers. I'll use my cane when I'm somewhere completely unfamiliar but I've become really good at memorising places. I have most of the campus memorised. They let me move onto campus few weeks before classes started so I could get a feel of the place beforehand."

When he's done, I have so many more questions that I'm not sure what to ask first.

"How do you study? And take notes? And do your classes and stuff?" I blurt out.

Vic doesn't seem phased by my numerous questions.

"All my textbooks are printed in braille. I voice record my lectures on my phone and listen back to them. And I'm doing a music degree so sight isn't the most important sense in this case."

"That makes sense." I mumble. "Were you born blind?"

"No, no, I went completely blind when I was sixteen. But my vision was failing long before then." he explains.

I'm surprised by his answer.

"How old are you now?" I frown.

"Twenty one." he chirps. "I'm guessing you're straight out of highschool, so eighteen, right?"

"Nineteen." I answer, blushing a little. I wasn't expecting to ask me anything. It's a little flattering. "I took a year off after highschool.

"Oh cool. My parents didn't think college was a good idea because of my condition. It took a lot of convincing to let me go. Three years of convincing." he huffs, but then suddenly changes the subject. "Anymore questions?"

"Just one." I decide. It's a lie. I have a thousand. But I decide on just one so I don't get annoying. "Why did you go blind?"

"Glaucoma. It's a disease that damages the optic nerve. The doctors didn't catch it before it was too late, so now I'm blind." he says casually. "Is that all you want to know?"

"Yeah, for now." I chuckle a little.

He laughs too.

"Don't be afraid to ask questions. I appreciate it." he assures me.

"Will do." I chirp, relieved that not only are Vic and I getting along, but we seem to be someone comfortable around each other now.

Maybe crying into your roommates bare chest is a great bonding activity.

"I have a question for you. You don't have to answer." he begins, seeming hesitant.

"Ask away." I smile, ready to answer whatever he throws at me.

"How long have you had the scar on your cheek?" he asks me.

I immediately feel sick at the mention of my scar. But I answer the question because it's the least I can do for hounding him with my queries.

"Um, since I was thirteen." I reply quietly.

"Do people give you a lot of shit for it?" he asks.

"Yeah. That's to be expected. People are assholes." I shrug.

"Can't argue with that." he chuckles. "So how did you get it?"

The question immediately brings back the memory of that moment. I feel the fear in my chest when my dad opened my bedroom door. I feel the burn from the glass cutting my cheek. I see the horror in Lucas' eyes as he ran out of the room. I hear Sam sobbing as she dro.ve me down to the emergency room.

"I'm sorry. You don't have to answer." Vic says, snapping me from my thoughts.

I swallow hard and roll onto my side so I'm facing the wall.

"It's okay. I'm really tired. I'm going to get some sleep." I lie.

"Okay, goodnight, Kellin." Vic chirps.

Chills trickle down my spine at the sound of my name. There's something about his raspy voice that drives me crazy.

"Goodnight, Vic." I whisper back.

After that, I hear him fold his glasses up and put them down on his nightstand. Then the bed creeks as if he just rolled over.

I let out a shaky voice and close my eyes, trying to get to sleep, but to no avail. My head is so clouded with everything.

I roll back over so I'm facing Vic and open my eyes. His bare back is once again facing me, and I find myself staring. Despite the sick feeling boiling in my stomach, I can't bring myself to look away.

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