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I feel my phone buzz in my pocket in the middle of my art history lecture. I pray it's Dr. Levit texting me that our session is cancelled. I'm exhausted and dying to just go to my dorm and crash.

I pull out my phone and my stomach drops when I see it's a message from Brandon. He hasn't spoken to me since last week.

I nervously open up the message and sigh relieved when I find that it's something mundane.

B♡: do you still have the laptop I let you borrow? Mine crashed last night and I don't have time to get a new one.

I quickly type out a message under the table.

Kellin: yeah it's in my dorm. I'm in class and have an appointment after though.

B♡: I need it asap. I have an assignment due and now I have to start over.

I'm desperate to help out, seeing as Brandon was nice enough to lend me his spare laptop when I needed it and I kind of owe it to him for being an asshole.

Kellin: could you meet me after class? I can give you my keycard and you can get it from my dorm.

B♡: yeah, sounds good. Thanks Kell.

I quickly send him my location, then I try to pay attention to my lecture, but I'm so fucking nervous about seeing Brandon again.

I've somehow managed to avoid him since the night we had sex. This is going to be so awkward.

My lecture goes fast, too fast for my liking and soon I'm leaving the hall. I find Brandon leaning against the wall opposite the exit, waiting for me.

He stands up straight and gives me a shy smile and a little wave.

"Hey," I breathe, as I approach him.

"Hey, uh, sorry about last week. I was a little drunk." he winces.

"It's um, it's okay." I whisper awkwardly.

There's a brief but tense silence between us after that.

"So," Brandon begins. "How are you? You don't look so good."

I shrug and look down at my hands.

"Could be better. But it's whatever." I mumble.

I glance up at Brandon and he opens his mouth to speak but seems hesitant, which is odd for him. He usually just says whatever is on his mind, for better or for worse. I wait patiently for him to find his words.

"If you need someone to talk to, I can be that someone. I care about you still. Maybe in time, we can be friends." he suggests slowly.

I smile at that. Brandon was always a good listener.

"I'd like that." I whisper.

I pull my keycard out of my pocket then hand it to him.

"It should be in a box under my bed. Um, try not to freak my roommate out if he's there. He's blind." I explain.

"Would you like me to take these back for you?" he asks, reaching for the books in my hands.

"Oh, right, yeah, thanks. I need to get to my appointment but I'll see you later, I guess." I mumble, handing him my books.

"Take care, Kells." he says then I quickly hurry away.

I speed walk the entire way to Dr. Levit's office, hoping to get there early for once so she stops reading too much into my tardiness.

When I finally get there, she grins at me as she escorts me in.

"I am pleasantly surprised." she chirps as I sit in my usual chair.

"I swear I'm not late on purpose. Things tend to just come up at the worst time." I explain.

"Well I'm guessing that everything went smoothly today, seeing as you made it here not only on time, but early." she smiles.

"Well, actually, I kind had to meet Brandon after class, so not that smoothly." I mumble.

I look down at my hands and start twiddling my thumbs.

"Brandon? How did that go?" She asks intrigued.

"Fine, I guess." I sigh. "It's just weird seeing him, and speaking to him. And he's still so sweet which makes me feel like an asshole."

"Do you think you'll get back together?" Dr Levit asks.

"No, god no." I say a little too quickly. I take a breath to ease my tension. "No, that ship has sailed."

Dr Levit is silent after that, causing me to look up at her.

"Are you ready to discuss the break up?" she asks softly. "It's been a few months now."

I sigh and turn my head to the painting on the wall. Who's idea was it to paint a bowl of fruit? That's so boring and unoriginal. It's not even a good painting.

"Kellin?"

"You should get better art in here." I mumble.

"Perhaps you could draw me something and I'll hang it up." she smiles. "We don't have to talk about the break up if you're not ready yet. But I think after seeing Brandon again today, it might be a good idea to get it off your chest."

I drop my gaze back to my hands and feel tears well up in my eyes. I do need to talk about it and the sooner I do, the sooner she'll stop bringing it up.

"Okay." I whisper.

She's silent, waiting for me to speak but I don't. I don't know where or how to start.

"Was the breakup related to your sexuality?" she asks.

I nod, letting a tear fall down my cheek.

"You were doing so well, Kellin. You were definitely improving. What happened to change that?" she asks softly.

"We had sex." I sniff.

"What did that trigger?"

"So much shame. And so much disgust. I felt dirty. And I felt sick. So I panicked." I breathe out.

"Kellin, you had no reason to feel like that." she whispers.

"I know that. I do. It's like the logical part of me is dominated by this engrained hatred." I huff.

"Do you think the incident has sent you backwards?" Dr Levit asks.

"Yeah, I think it has. I was looking forward to college and living on campus. Brandon and I were going to share a dorm and it was going to be fun. But now I'm just paranoid constantly. There's so many people, so many guys." I trail off to collect my thoughts, but it's barely possible with how scattered I feel. "Should feeling attraction be this sickening?"

Dr Levit frowns and leans forward a little.

"Kellin, it's not sickening. It's not making you sick. You feel nauseated because that's how you think you should feel. It's all in your head. Your brain has been rewired to believe that, but you need to correct those thoughts. Stop pushing them away, and correct them." she stresses. "You hardly ever felt sick when you were with Brandon and that's because you weren't in your head so much. Live in the present, and stop thinking so much."

I shed a few more tears and shake my head.

"It's so hard though." I whimper.

Dr Levit pushes the tissue box towards me so I grab a few tissues to clean up my face.

"I know. It's not supposed to be easy. But it's going to be worth it. You can't be afraid of love, Kell. You just can't. It's essential for our survival." Dr Levit soothes. "And you deserve happiness."

I think a lot about her words and about our whole session on my walk back to campus.

As much as I dislike going to therapy, I think my head would explode without it. I'm grateful I have someone to just safely spew all my thoughts on to.

I take out my phone when I'm back on campus and check my messages to see if Brandon has contacted me about my keycard. I find four messages from him.

B♡: kind of did the one thing you told me not to do. I woke up your roommate and freaked him out. My bad.

B♡: also I left your keycard on your bed. You roommate said he was going to be there to let you in.

B♡: also your roommate is really hot. Too bad he tops.

B♡: yes I asked him.

I'm blushing and cringing as I slip my phone into my pocket. Oh god, poor Vic. Brandon's always been an oversharer.

I don't worry about texting Brandon back. Instead, I make my way back to my dorm. I'm still so ready to just sleep for the rest of the day.

I knock gently on the door when I make it outside my dorm. I feel a little awkward and uncomfortable for inconveniencing Vic like this. He seems chirpy though when he opens the door.

"Hey." I smile meekly.

"Hey," he chirps, stepping aside so I can come in. "How was your appointment?"

I flinch a little at his words. God, what else did Brandon tell him? How long was he even here for?

"Um, it was good." I sigh, falling down onto my bed.

"You sound exhausted." Vic chuckles making his way back to his bed. There's a textbook open and I notice that it's filled with braille instead of words.

I smile a little at his observation. It's kind of cool that he can pick that up without even looking at me.

"I am exhausted." I admit. "It's been, a day."

"You should get some rest." he says.

"Two steps ahead of you." I chuckle, kicking off my shoes, but making sure they don't fall into the walkway.

"Your ex boyfriend stopped by. He said he was just getting the laptop he let you borrow." Vic explains.

My heart skips a beat when he says 'boyfriend'. I guess I just inadvertently came out to my roommate. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that Brandon inadvertently outed me.

"O-oh." I choke out, then I quickly clear my throat. "I know."

"Just making sure some random dude wasn't stealing your laptop." Vic chuckles. "He sure talks a lot. I was half asleep and could barely comprehend what he was saying half the time."

"That's Brandon for you." I sigh with a little amusement.

"Why did you never mention that you were gay?" Vic says sounding confused. "Or bi, or pan, or whatever."

I cringe at the question, but I knew this would come up eventually.

"Gay," I say, but it comes out chokey and quiet. It's not often I say that word. "I guess it just never came up."

I glance at Vic to see his reaction but he just seems confused.

"Well that's great, I guess. I was kind of worried that I'd get a homophobe as a roommate." he chuckles.

"Is that why you put the flag up?" I blurt out.

Vic snorts.

"My brother put it up. He said it'll attract the gays." he says amused. "But hey, I guess it worked, you're here."

I laugh nervously and blush a little.

Vic suddenly snaps his textbook shut and picks up his phone, tapping the screen a few times.

"Three twenty two pm." his phones reads

"I have to go. I have a class." he says.

I'm immediately saddened. We were talking. And I happen to really like talking to him.

"Um do you want me to walk you to class?" I blurt out nervously.

Vic looks rather annoyed at my request.

"I can do it myself. I'm not useless." he mutters.

"Oh! I know!" I say quickly. "I worded that weird. I'm sorry."

I take a quick, but much needed breath.

"What I meant to say was, can I walk with you to your class?" I ask, hoping he understands what I mean this time.

"Oh," Vic says surprised, his cheeks tinting with blush and a small smile creeping to his lips. "I would um, like that. I, uh, I like your company."

It's weird for him to stumble over his words. He's seems so confident almost all the time.

"Okay, well let me just put my shoes back on." I grin as I begin doing just that.

Vic gathers his things for class and stuffs his phone and his keycard in his pocket then we're all set to go.

I grab my keycard before we leave our dorm and then we begin heading down the hall to Vic's class.

I notice Vic is walking rather slow and it's almost painful to stay next to him.

"You okay?" I ask him.

He sighs and stops, rubbing his eyes under his glasses.

"Sorry. I just get anxious ever since the incident with Conner. I don't want to walk into anyone." he says seeming stressed, his usual confident demeanour fading.

"I'll make sure that doesn't happen." I chirp, to ease his anxiety.

Then I grab onto his bicep to lead him, but the action has an immediate effect on me. It's like I forget how to breathe for a split second. The feeling of his arm, his muscles, it's so manly and reminds me of Brandon. I remember being wrapped up in his muscular arms as we cuddled. It felt so nice and I can't help but to think about Vic's arms being wrapped around me last week. Fuck, I crave a man's touch so bad. I'm such a mess.

Vic smiles a little as we start walking again. 

"I don't need your help." He says softly, but he doesn't seem upset this time.

"I know." I smile. "Consider this moral support."

"Well I appreciate it. You're a sweet dude, Kell."

I wish I could be flattered by his kind words but instead I feel doubtful.

Sweet isn't a word I would use to describe myself. I'm an asshole. I let someone get close to me and then I broke his heart. Sweet people don't do that.

I'm enjoying my walk with Vic until I spot Conner angrily storming towards us. I'm worried I'm going to have to take another punch for Vic, but at the same time, I wouldn't hesitate.

"Faggot, I'm still waiting on my shoes." Conner hisses.

I wince at the word, immediately feeling a little sick.

Vic doesn't have time to respond before Conner grabs Vic's glasses and pulls them off his face. They fling to the floor and Conner snickers as he walks off.

I quickly let go of Vic and pick up his sunglasses, giving them a once over to make sure they aren't broken.

I turn back to Vic and find him with his eyes squeezed shut.

"Here." I say softly, placing the glasses in Vic's hand.

He places them back on his face, and he immediately seems relieved.

He then starts walking again as if nothing happened. I catch up with him and wrap my arms around his bicep again.

"Are you okay?" he asks me softly.

"I hate that word." I breathe.

"What word?" Vic frowns confused.

I try to say it, but my stomach churns at the thought.

"Faggot?" Vic asks after my silence.

"Yeah." I breathe, cringing again at the word. Even his beautiful voice cannot take away it's ugliness.

"Yeah, me too." he sighs.

But honestly, he doesn't seem too fussed. Definitely not nearly as fussed as I am.

"You don't seem bothered." I frown.

He shrugs.

"It's not something I haven't heard before and it's not the worst thing I've been called. I've had assholes hassling me before I could even walk. I'm half Mexican, I'm gay and I'm blind. A few slurs here and there is to be expected." he says way too casually. And it breaks my heart. No one deserves that.

"I'm sorry, Vic." I apologise softly.

He smiles and shakes his head.

"It's fine, Kells. I have the most loving family, I couldn't be more grateful. When shit is hard, I have them to fall back on. And it's nice people like you that make times like this bearable." he explains.

I can't help but to grin and blush at his words.

"I like your energy. Positivity is hard to come by these days." I sigh.

Vic chuckles.

"That is the strangest yet most profound compliment anyone has even given me." he says.

I giggle at his words.

"Hey, you know what I was made fun of for most of all?" Vic grins amused.

"What?" I ask interested.

"It wasn't being Mexican, or gay or blind. When I was younger I had really big ears. I was picked on constantly." Vic chuckles amused.

"What? No way!" I snort with laughter.

"Yes way. Kids used to call me Dumbo." he grins.

"That is both horrible and extremely creative." I laugh.

Vic chuckles and hesitantly moves his hand to the back of his neck to scratch it.

"Your laugh is really something." he smiles shyly.

I'm immediately self conscious.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I frown nervously.

"Your laugh. It's beautiful, bubbly, intoxicating."

"Oh," I blush grinning. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." he grins back.

We finally make it to his class and he seems to realise before I do.

"Wow you're really good at counting steps." I chuckle amazed.

"It's a talent." he chirps.

We're silent after that. I just stare at Vic as people walk around us into the classroom. He's looking at the wall but I don't mind. It gives me a nice angle of his face.

"Well I guess I'll see you later." Vic chirps, interrupting my staring.

"Maybe I could meet you after class? Walk you back?" I suggest hopefully.

"No, you should go take a nap." he says.

I then remember how exhausted I am.

"You're absolutely right." I sigh. "I guess I'll see you later then."

I begin to walk away, ready to fucking crash so hard but Vic stops me.

"Kellin!" Vic calls, and I immediately spin right around.

"Yeah?" I answer.

"Maybe we could get dinner together later. I know this really nice Chinese restaurant. Do you like Chinese food?" he asks.

My stomach does a somasault as he says the word "dinner". Dinner? Does that mean date? Did this really nice, attractive guy just ask me on a date? Am I going on a date?

I'm so caught up in the moment that I almost forget to answer.

"O-oh, yeah. I love Chinese food. Sounds good." I try to say casually but every other part of me is dying.

"Awesome. I'll see you soon." Vic grins.

Then he finally enters the classroom.

I'm borderline shaking as I make my way back to our dorm. I'm going out for dinner, with Vic, just the two of us. Is this a date? I'm so confused.

When I get back to my dorm, I take a seat on my bed then pull out my phone to text Sam.

Kellin: Sammie, what's the difference between getting dinner and going on a date?

I sit my phone down and kick my shoes off before laying down on my pillows. It's an immediate relief.

When I pick my phone back up, I find that Sam has already texted back.

Sammie: 9 times out of 10, they're the same thing.

Sammie: wait

Sammie: did someone ask you to dinner??

Sammie: do you have a date???

I immediately regret starting this conversation with her. She's going to blow this way out of proportion.

Kellin: maybe? I don't know. Probably not.

Sammie: holy shit. Do you want me to come over and help you get ready?

Kellin: no no no, I'm going to take a nap. But I think I've got this. I'll let you know how it went later.

Sammie: okay! Have a good night regardless bub. I love you!!

Kellin: love you too!

I then throw my phone to the side once and for all and get comfortable.

Despite my brain bombarding me with worries and thoughts about dinner tonight, my exhaustion dominates and I fall asleep quickly and easily.

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