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I get a knock on my door around one pm. I'm still recovering from my hangover. Don't know how I'm hungover after only two drinks. Maybe because of the lack of food I've been eating lately, or the lack of water I've been drinking, or maybe I'm just a lightweight. Either way, my headache is killing me.

I consider not answering the door but I actually feel a little better today. Talking to Brandon really helped. I unloaded a lot of guilt I've been bottling up for a while. Maybe I should actually listen to my therapist more often instead of avoiding my problems.

I get out of bed and go open the door. I barely have the chance to acknowledge it's Sam before she throws her arms around me. I lean into her, needing the comfort more than I thought.

"Kellin fucking Quinn, you ever do that to me again I'm going to break the door down and you're going to have to get a job so you can pay for the damages." she hisses.

"I'm sorry." I whisper.

"So you should be! Do you have any idea how worried I was about you? You could have at least texted me to let me know you were alive!" she exclaims, squeezing me tighter.

"I'm sorry." I repeat, becoming engulfed with guilt once again.

Sam just sighs and finally lets go of me. The absence of her hug leaves me feeling broken, as if her arms were the only thing holding me together for that brief moment. She looks past me into the room and looks surprised.

"It's so..." she trails off as she stares at what used to be Vic's side of the room. I never really noticed how much presence he had until he was gone.

"Empty." I finish for her.

She looks back at me saddened, her eyes connecting with mine for the first time in days.

"Kells, are you okay?" she asks me quietly.

It's like her words pull the legs out from under me. I collapse back into her arms and burst into tears, shaking my head against her shoulder.

"I really fucked up, Sammy." I choke out. "And I don't know if it can be fixed."

"There's nothing that can't be fixed, baby bro. I promise." she whispers.

She kisses my head then pushes me back so she can wipe the tears from my face.

"Was this the same thing that happened with Brandon?" she asks me softly.

I nod, taking some deep breaths in hopes to calm myself.

"Okay," she whispers. "I'm going to take you to therapy, okay? Get dressed."

"Therapy isn't until later." I croak confused.

"I know. We're going to get some lunch first. You need to eat and I need to talk to you about something." she admits softly.

The uncertainty of her words leaves me nervous. What could she need to talk to me about?

I do what she says and get dressed. Changing my clothes surprisingly makes me feel a little better, a little more human. I meet her out in the hall then we begin walking towards a small local cafe where we usually get lunch together.

I order food, feeling hungry for the first time in days and Sam just gets something small. She seems nervous which is just making me nervous.

"What did you need to talk to me about?" I ask the second we sit in the outside dining area with our food.

She sighs and steals a french fry from my plate before biting it in half. She looks conflicted as if she's not sure whether she should tell me.

She takes a gulp of water then she straightens herself out and visibly takes a deep breath.

"Okay," she says, seemingly preparing herself. "I wasn't going to tell you this because I didn't want you to take it the wrong way but I think you're in a place now where you can understand and I think it's important for you to know why Dad was the way he was." she begins.

She pauses to see my reaction but I'm even more confused now than I was before.

"What do you mean? This is about Dad?" I question.

"It's about Mom." she says softly.

She pauses again and I stay quiet, urging her to continue.

"Mom left Dad for a woman." she finally says.

She eyes me cautiously as I try to process the information she just told me.

"Mom is gay?" I ask unsure if I'm understanding correctly.

"I don't know." Sam says. "I know that she left Dad for a woman and that she recently married that woman."

"Recently? H-how do you know?" I ask confused.

I've barely had proof of my mother's existence yet Sam knows what's going on in her life?

"She contacted me on Facebook before the wedding. She invited us. I turned it down and blocked her." Sam explains.

"Why?" I snap, feeling a little annoyed that I didn't have a choice in the matter.

"Kells, she doesn't get to abandon us then show up out of the blue. And she messaged me at a time when you were doing really well. You were dating Brandon, you were making great progress, you just got offered your scholarship. I didn't want to risk ruining your progress. And honestly, she doesn't get to disappear through all the hard shit you and I went through, then reappear when we're doing well. That's not fair. That's not fair on me, that's not fair on you." she explains.

I nod in understanding. I guess she's right. Maybe I would have had a much better life if Mom had bothered to be a part of it. But she didn't, and she wasn't. She made that choice. She left me with my father. She's partly to blame for everything that went wrong.

"Why are you telling me this now? Why didn't you tell me this years ago?" I frown.

"I didn't want you to associate Mom walking out us with being gay. I was worried if you knew that Mom left us for a woman that it'd reaffirm your belief that same-sex relationships are bad. I'm telling you now because I know you're smart enough to understand that's not true. And I think you need to understand that Dad's homophobic beliefs were not rational. They were fueled by his hatred he had towards Mom for leaving him. He let her betrayal manifest into hatred for anyone who was like her. That's why he hated women and why he hated homosexuality. He hated anyone who reminded him of her. It's also probably why he hated us." Sam rambles.

Her words kind of stun me and I'm not quite sure how I feel about the whole situation. 

I'm overwhelmed with emotion. Part of me admires my mother. She married a woman. I've never known any queer person who has married. The possibility of marriage for me in the future just became a lot more realistic. But the other part of me, perhaps a bigger part of me despises her. I despise both my parents. They failed me. And this whole time I've been blaming myself for their failures, because it was much easier for them to put the blame on me rather than to step up and be a fucking parent. If I ever have a kid, I'm going to love them without conditions, I'm going to be there for them, I'm going to do things the right way.

I look back to sister, feeling tears prick my eyes as I meet her worried gaze. My heart shatters a little as I realize she did everything my parents should have done but didn't, and so much more. While she was supposed to be a kid, she was looking after one. It wasn't her job but she took it on anyway for my sake.

"Kell, you okay?" she asks softly, reaching forward and taking my hand.

"Yeah," I sniff.

I stare at our hands trying to find the right words.

"I don't say this enough, I don't think I could ever say this enough, but thank you. You've sacrificed so much for me and I frankly don't think I would be here right now if it wasn't for you. You literally saved my life. Thank you, Sammy." I say softly.

She quickly covers her mouth as tears fill her eyes. She shakes her head at me and squeezes my hand.

"I have sacrificed nothing, Kells. I just want you to be happy, that's all I've ever wanted. Anything I've had to give up along the way means nothing to me." she breathes, clearly trying to suppress the urge to cry.

I feel guilty at her words, because I'm not happy. I was happy. Then I fucked that up.

"I just want to be happy too." I whisper looking down.

I try to push my mind away from Vic, but he grounds me, and I need whatever stability I can grasp onto right now so I don't fight too hard.

Sam's hand presses against my cheek as she tilts my head back up and wipes away my tears.

"We'll get back there, I promise. I'm with you every step of the way." she assures me with an encouraging smile.

I get out of my chair and pull Sam into a grateful hug. There's something about the way she's holding me that makes me feel vulnerable and within seconds I start crying again. She squeezes me tighter and shushes me softly.

I feel so lost but having my sister's support makes it all a lot less scary.

"Sam," I sob into her shoulder.

"What is it, Kells?" she replies.

"I don't want to lose him." I whimper.

"Vic?" she asks to clarify and I nod. "I don't want you to lose him either. I think what you have is special."

"What do I do?" I sniff.

She pulls away looking perplexed.

"Therapy?" she suggests.

I nod and she smiles, taking my hand as if I were a child again. We go inside and she pays for our barely touched food then we head off towards therapy. I feel better after our talk. I always do. I wish I'd learn to go to her when I need help. I hate burdening her though.

The walk to therapy is silent but it's not a tense silence. There's an unspoken breeziness between us. I think Sam might have been holding that secret in for a while and now she's finally free from it.

Sam and I are as close a siblings can get, but somehow I feel even closer to her right now. She's all that I have, she's all that I've ever had, she's the only constant in my life. There aren't enough words to thank her for all that she's done for me.

The least I can do is stop worrying her. So I'm going to give therapy my absolute all. I'm going to do exactly what Dr Levit suggests. If that doesn't work then I don't know what else to do. If it doesn't work then I don't know if there's a place for me in this world if all I'll ever be is miserable and all I'll ever do is make those around me miserable. This feels like the make or break moment in my life. And I'm not fucking it up.

We arrive at the clinic and Dr Levit almost immediately invites me into her office. She seems puzzled but pleasantly surprised by my sister's presence. It's been a while since Sam has taken me to therapy.

Sam tells me that she'll wait for me, and even after I tell her to go home, she insists on staying. I make sure to thank her, I need to start doing that more often. Then I follow Dr Levit into her office, right on time.

I fall into my chair with a thump, physically feeling weighed down by everything on my mind.

Dr. Levit frowns as she sits across from me.

"Everything okay?" she asks softly.

Of course she knows something's up. How could she not? She probably knows me better than anyone else on this planet. That's kind of sad. I want to change that. I want Vic to know me like that.

I shake my head, trying to collect my overwhelming thoughts so I can formulate a sentence. For once I'm not hesitant about opening up. I feel like if I don't get all this out of me quickly then I'm going to erupt.

"It's a lot." I whisper, turning to the wall where I'm expecting to see the painting of the fruitbowl. But it's not there. Dr Levit must have taken it down as promised. But she's replaced it with a portrait of two men smiling at each other. I have a feeling she's does it in spite of me. Or maybe for me. I haven't decided yet.

"Okay," she says softly, lowering her voice to match mine. "Why don't we take this slowly?"

I nod.

My stomach twinges as I remember we've done this before. This exact scenario played out when I had my episode after Brandon. But I could barely sit in this chair back then as I was so panicked.

"Why did Sam come with you today?" she asks.

I look back at her eager to give her my full attention. I just want her to help me.

"She didn't think I would come if she didn't bring me and she wanted to talk to me about my mom." I explain.

But even that one sentence feels like a lot. There is so much I need to discuss and I don't know if it can be covered in one hour.

I feel my leg start bouncing. Sometimes I think my body panics before my head can even catch up.

"Why wouldn't you have come today?" she asks.

"I haven't left my dorm in a few days." I whisper.

"And why is that?" she questions.

There's so much to say and I feel my breathing increasing erratically so I hold my breath to stop it. But then I feel myself becoming dizzy and my head starts thumping, getting louder and louder with each second that I don't allow myself oxygen. I can't hear my thoughts over the blood pulsating against my skull and my lungs are screaming for some air but when I try to breathe in I choke. Between coughs, I try to catch my breath but I can't. I can't breathe.

"Kellin, hey," Dr. Levit says but her voice sounds faint.

She kneels down in front of me and I look at her wide-eyed wondering why she's not helping me when I'm clearly dying.

"Kell, breathe." she says slowly and clearly.

"I can't." I choke out, tears springing to my eyes and rolling down my cheeks.

"You can. Watch me." she instructs firmly then she takes a deep breath in.

I frantically try to copy her but each breath I take is short and sharp. I doubt any air is making it to my lungs at all.

"No, no, slow Kellin. Like this." she breathes again, slowly and deeply and I do exactly as she does. I feel oxygen finally enter my body as I draw in a long breath.

"Place your hand here." she says, placing her hand over her stomach. "And feel the air inflate your tummy."

I put my hand over my stomach as she says and copy her as she takes another deep breath. I pay attention to the way my stomach grows as I breathe in and shrinks as I breath out. I focus on that and on Dr Levit in front of me until I feel like I'm breathing properly again.

But then I look to the clock and realize I just wasted six minutes.

"We're running out of time." I choke out through a hitch in my breath.

"Don't worry about the time. I have the rest of the day free so we can stay later if we need to. You just focus on those deep breaths, okay? Make sure your tummy is full before you breathe out, okay?" she explains softly.

I feel stupid for needing to be spoken to like a toddler but that's the least of my worries right now.

I focus on breathing and feel myself calming down significantly now that I have the assurance that we have enough time to get through everything.

Everything. Everything is so much. There's so much in my head right now.

"Keep breathing." Dr Levit says softly as she pushes a bottle of water across the coffee table to me.

I take it along with a tissue and continue taking deep breaths.

Dr Levit sits back in her chair which subtly lets me know that I'm okay.

"Take a minute to calm yourself and let me know when you're ready." she lulls.

I wipe my face with the tissue and take a gulp of water. I feel incredibly exhausted after all that to the point where I would rather go home and sleep than be here, but I promised myself I'd give this my all so that's what I'm going to do.

"I have so much on my mind right now." I breathe out.

"I know. But we're just going to take it one thing at a time so you don't overwhelm yourself. Don't get ahead of yourself. Just go slow." she explains and I nod.

I pull my knees up to my chest and try to remember what she asked me before I forgot how to breathe.

"I didn't leave my dorm because I was feeling sad and ashamed." I say slowly.

"Okay, why were you feeling this way?" she asks.

"Because Vic left. He took all his things and he went back to his parent's house." I whimper.

I try to push down the lump in my throat but it's stubborn. I worry that it's stopping me from breathing which just makes me panic all over again.

"Kellin, you can cry. It's okay. Crying is good, it'll make you feel better." Dr Levit says softly.

I look to her though a blur of tears I hadn't noticed emerge. At first I'm confused by her words, but then I realize that I really do need to cry.

I allow myself a sob then a million more follow it and as I soak the knees of my jeans with tears, the lump that was once blocking my breathing is washed away.

My heart aches with each sob but the pain gets a little less unbearable as time goes on.

I could probably cry for hours but after a couple of minutes I decide I'm okay enough to continue.

I grab a few more tissues and clean myself up before continuing.

"He left because we had sex and I freaked out again. And he thought it was because I was embarrassed of him. But I wasn't. And I couldn't tell him that." I sniff.

"Kellin, I'm so sorry." Dr Levit frowns. "After you had sex, was it similar to the episode you had with Brandon?"

I nod.

"Okay, do you feel like you've gone backwards again?" she asks softly.

I go to say 'yes' but stop myself as I come to a realisation.

"I did. I went backwards for like a day. I felt ashamed and I didn't want to be gay. But after all that panic went away, I wasn't worried about being gay. I was worried about how Vic was going to react." I explain.

"That's great, Kells. That's such a big improvement from last time. Last time it took months to get you back to where you were. This time it only took a day." Dr Levit beams.

Her smile makes me smile. I guess my progress isn't ruined after all.

"It was just a small episode. And you got through it." she says.

"But what if it happens again?" I say shakily.

"Then you'll get through it again." Dr Levit chirps but that's not the answer I wanted.

"But I can't keep doing this. It's not fair on Vic. That's assuming he ever forgives me for this." I sigh tiredly. "And it's not fair on Sam, or anyone involved for that matter. How do I stop this from happening? I seriously can't do it anymore. I'm so tired of this."

I take another deep breath as a few more tears fall down my cheeks.

She looks at me with sad eyes and nods in understanding.

"Do you have any idea why sex in particular is such a trigger for you?" Dr Levit asks softly.

Immediately, I'm flooded with memories of my dad.

"I guess when my dad talked about homosexuality, he talked a lot about sex." I admit. "He was adamant that it was disgusting and that if I ever had sex with a man I was going to get aids and die." 

I feel tense, as if my dad were sitting here with me, telling me all this now. Strangely enough, it wasn't very often he would yell at me. He was always so serious and so sincere with his words. He disguised every word of hatred behind the illusion of concern. I guess that's why his words are so transfixed in my mind. He spoke these falsities like truths.

"Well, we've already established many times that it is not disgusting. Sex can be a beautiful thing, and the gender of your partner doesn't change that. And the likelihood of you contracting HIV and dying of aids is extremely low, given that you're using protection, you're open with your sexual partners and the developments in modern medicine are lifesaving." she explains, but we've been through this. We've been through this a thousand times.

"I know all that." I say exhausted.

"Then why do you think your mind automatically favors his lies over things you know as fact?"

My head hurts as I try to find the answers. I know I have them, they're just really confronting.

"I think, as stupid and sick as it sounds, I think a part of me really admired my dad, and maybe even loved him. I think maybe that's why I held his beliefs so highly and I think I just haven't broken the habit yet." I admit shamefully.

I'm expecting Dr Levit to be disappointed in me but she's not. She's smiling softly at me.

"Well I'm not surprised by that. He is your dad and it's okay to love him. I would never fault you for feeling love. But even if you love someone you don't have to subscribe to their beliefs—" 

I interrupt her.

"I don't love him anymore," I clarify. "I can't after what he put me through."

"Well, that's okay too. That's healthy. I think you need to remind yourself that your relationship with your dad is in the past and that it needs to stay there. You have Sam to look up to now and she loves you just as you are. And that's a belief you need to hold highly." She smiles.

I nod and watch as she writes something down in her notebook, then she closes it and turns her full attention back to me.

"Maybe this will get better, Kells, maybe it won't. I wish there was some magical cure to make sure these episodes never happen again but that's just not realistic. What we can do though, is we can explore strategies to cope with them better when they do happen." She explains.

Once again, it's not the answer I was hoping for.

Part of me just wants to give up. I don't know exactly what I mean by that. I don't know what 'giving up' looks like, but I know that I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore and I don't want to keep hurting the people I love either.

But the other part of me is determined to follow through with my promise to myself. I need to give this my all.

"Okay, what should I do?" I ask her, honestly a little desperate. 

She entwines her fingers and sits back looking thoughtfully at the ceiling, then she purses her lips and focuses back on me.

"Honestly Kell, if you want to pursue a relationship, your internalized homophobia is something you need to be transparent about with your partner. A relationship can't have strong foundations if you're keeping such a big secret. And this is an issue that doesn't just affect you, it affected Brandon, and it affected Vic. Even before your episode, you were establishing doubt in Vic's mind every time you didn't hold his hand, or you pulled away a little. If you're honest with him, he's going to understand and he's not going to have that doubt. He'll be able to support you through this, he'll be able to reassure you in a way that no one else can, because he's right there in this with you. You need a support system outside of Sam and I." she explains.

I know she's right but having that conversation with Vic terrifies me. But I know I'm going to lose him if I don't.

"I'm just scared." I whisper, more tears falling down my cheeks.

"Of what?" She asks softly.

"What if," I stop as my voice cracks.

I clear my throat so I can speak and remind myself to breathe.

"What if he decides that this is too much for him to deal with? That this is too hard? That I'm not worth it? I wouldn't even blame him. I can barely handle this. I don't expect someone else to." I sniff.

"It's normal to be scared of losing someone, it's proof that you care about them. But you need take this risk. Because if you don't, then you're going to lose him anyway. And you need to have a little faith in him. He probably likes you more than you think. Trust him, Kells. You're worth it, just because you can't see that, doesn't mean he won't."

I hope to the heavens that she's right because I need my boyfriend back. Whether or not he wants me back is a different story. But there's only one way to find out.

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