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I'm sweating and shaking as I approach the gate, tightly gripping the box in my hand.

"I don't know if I can do this, Sammy," I whisper to my sister as I look up at the beautiful stained-glass windows on the front door.

"You can. I know you can." she smiles, rubbing my shoulder.

She holds me at arms length then adjusts my bow-tie, grinning as she does so.

"If only he could see. He'd take one look at you and just melt. But alas, you must charm him with your words." she beams.

"Since when have I ever been able to charm anyone with my words?" I say rolling my eyes.

"Well you didn't get him to fall in love with you by just sitting there and looking pretty, did you?" she snorts. "Now go up there and ask him to this damn dance. The worst thing that could happen is he says no."

"That would suck." I whine.

"I know." She smiles sadly. "But if that happens, you, Jordan and I can eat pizza and ice-cream and watch shitty romantic comedies and cry all night." 

"Sounds riveting." I say sarcastically.

She just grins at me and ruffles my hair.

"Are you sure you don't want a ride back to campus?" Sam asks, glancing back at Jordan who is sitting in his car, nodding his head to whatever they play on the radio these days.

"This is going to be awkward enough without my sister and her boyfriend present." I chuckle.

"Okay, I'll see you soon. Hopefully, not too soon. Just take a breath, be yourself, and be honest." she tells me.

I nod and take a breath, then unlatch the front gate. I turn back to Sam who's still standing there looking at me expectantly. I shoo her away with my hands and she rolls her eyes but starts walking back towards the car.

By the time I've reached the front door, Jordan has driven off with Sam and I'm left alone.

Here goes nothing.

I knock nervously on the wood of the door and grit my teeth as I wait. Soon enough, I see a shadow through the opaque glass and the door unlocks then opens.

It's Vic's mom. She looks surprised to see me but that's quickly followed with relief and a polite smile.

"H-hi, is Vic here?" I stammer out. I want to kick myself for the stupid question. Of course he's here. Where else would he be?

"Yeah, I'll go get him for you." She says, giving me a once over then smirking.

She leaves the door open and I watch her walk back into the house.

"Vic!" She calls. "Kellin's here! And he looks very handsome if I might add!"

I blush embarrassed and instinctively look down at myself. Handsome was what I was going for. But I guess it doesn't matter when the one person I'm trying to impress can't see me. But that's why I'm wearing the nicest cologne I could find.

Vic's mom walks into another room and I focus on taking slow deep breaths as I hear footsteps approaching the entrance. Soon enough, Vic comes into view. My heart aches. This is the first time I've seen him in over a week and I've missed this simple luxury. He's in a pair of Jurassic Park pyjamas I've never seen him wear before. And he looks simply adorable.

His face is blank but stern as he approaches me. He stops and grabs the door like he's prepared to close it any second.

We stand in silence for a few noticeable seconds before I wrack up the courage to speak.

"Hi," I whisper, breaking the ice.

"What do you want?" he asks coldly. I can't tell what he's feeling. I wish he wasn't wearing his glasses. His eyes always reveal his true emotions.

"I want to take you to the dance." I say, with forced energy. I hope he can't sense my nerves.

I watch his Adam's apple rise in his throat as he swallows dryly. He sighs, letting down his guard a little.

"You can't just show up here and expect me to go to this dance with you like everything's okay when it's not." he mutters.

"I know." I admit softly. "But I want to make everything okay, or at least try. I want to tell you everything, explain myself, and you don't have to forgive me or want to be with me. I just want to give you a good night, it's the least I can do."

He looks conflicted as more seconds of tense silence pass by.

"I don't know, Kells," he sighs.

I look down at the box in my hand.

"I bought us matching bow-ties." I say, hopefully.

He smirks a little and sighs.

"What color?" he asks, seemingly giving in.

"Rainbow." I blush, thrusting the box towards him.

He grins, taking the box in his hands and I practically dissolve at his smile. I've missed it so much.

"Okay, I'll go get ready." he agrees.

"Thank you." I breathe, gratefully.

He doesn't say another word as he walks back into the house and disappears.

I'm relieved and excited and nervous all at once. I text Sam the good news then turn my phone off. Vic deserves my full undivided attention tonight.

When I look back up from my phone, I'm startled to see Mike standing at the door. I gulp, taking note of his exasperated expression.

"You better not hurt him again." he spits.

"I won't." I assure him. "That's the last thing I want to do."

"Prove it." he mutters then he walks off.

I feel even more pressure than before. I really hope I don't fuck this up, again.

It's a while before Vic returns, but the wait is worth it. He walks out in a sleek black tux, looking absolutely gorgeous. The pride coloured bow-tie stands out loudly, in the way that it's intended.

I reach to touch my own, unsure if I'm ready to walk into a room full of people, declaring my pride for all to see. But I know it's something I need to do. Not just for Vic, but also for myself.

"You look perfect." I murmur, just gawking at him as he returns to the door.

He smiles a little but doesn't reply. I can already tell this is going to be a tense night.

"Let's get out of here before my mom decides she's a professional photographer." he chuckles nervously, then he slips out the door closing it behind him.

We walk silently down his front yard and I instinctively go to grab his hand but he's quick to pull it away. My stomach aches, but I know I deserved that.

We walk in awkward silence as a million things race through my brain. I have so much to tell him and I don't know where to start, or even when to start. Should I do this now? Why didn't I plan this out? I should have thought about this more.

I look at him, trying to work out what he's feeling. His face is telling me nothing. But I can tell he's deep in thought too.

I take a breath then clear my throat, determined to break the silence with the first thing that comes to my head, but I'm not expecting my next words in the slightest.

"I love you."

The words seem loud in theory but they leave my lips in a soft whisper. I'm praying that Vic didn't hear me but the utter shock on his face says otherwise.

I feel sick to my stomach. It's not that I didn't mean what I said, because I did, I just didn't mean to say it now, or like this. I feel like an asshole once again.

"Kell," Vic sighs but I interrupt him.

"You don't have to respond or feel that way in return. I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry." I blurt out.

"Okay, good. Because I don't." he says bluntly.

Maybe it's my ego speaking, but I honestly wasn't expecting that.

"You don't love me?" I ask to clarify.

He shakes his head.

"I thought I did." he shrugs. "Then I realized that I don't know you. You can't love someone you don't know." he admits.

I let out a shaky breath. The first time I say those words to a guy and he crushes my heart. But I understand. He's right. He doesn't know me. But I want to change that. And maybe I can also change his mind.

"Yeah, okay, that's fair." I nod.

The rest of the walk to campus is quiet. It's more tense than it was before and if I wasn't so in love with Vic's presence, I would think this was a shitty idea.

When we finally reach campus, Vic grabs my arm. I know it means nothing to him, but his touch means everything to me.

I lead him to the function room where there's a band playing music on a stage and people are dressed nice and dancing with each other.

"This reminds me of my prom." I blurt out.

I shiver at the memory. That was the night I lost my virginity to my best friend and prom date. And the night I broke her heart. That night I finally admitted to myself that I was gay after years of suppressing it. I never told Alex that though. I just told her I didn't want to be with her, which definitely made me seem like an asshole. But how do you not seem like an asshole when you take someone's virginity and then break up with them?

Fuck, I really need to stop doing that.

"I didn't get to go to my prom." Vic says. I catch the sadness in his tone.

"You didn't?" I ask, urging him to elaborate.

"No, I went blind like two weeks before." Vic admits.

My heart breaks a little as I realize why he wanted to go to this dance so bad.

The band starts playing a slow song and I lead Vic further into the hall.

"Do you want to dance?" I ask.

"Sure." he nods.

I take him onto the dance floor out of everyone's way, then I place my hands on his shoulders as his sit lightly on my waist. We're standing awkwardly far apart from each other, as if some overbearing Christian parent told us to leave room for Jesus.

We stay swaying a little but with how tense we both are, you can barely call it dancing. I want to wrap my arms around his neck and rest my head on his shoulder. I want him to hold my hips against his. But it just doesn't feel right. I don't even know where we stand as a couple right now.

"Maybe we should talk first." I suggest.

Vic nods in agreement, dropping his arms to his side.

"Let's go somewhere quiet." I murmur, grabbing his upper arm and taking him back outside.

We walk away from the building and the music and head out through the campus garden. It's another beautiful night, much like the one we had our first kiss on, but tension between us is killing all the good vibes.

"So?" Vic says, urging me to begin.

I take a deep breath.

Here. Goes. Nothing.

"So," I start. "First and foremost, I want to apologize. I'm sorry for the way I acted last week, I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry for not being open and honest with you."

I swallow dryly and glance at Vic. He's just looking ahead, seemingly emotionless again.

"Apology acknowledged." he says.

"I..."

I trail off, unsure where I was going with that. I don't know where to start. I feel myself start shaking again and breathing becomes a little more of a conscious effort.

"You okay?" Vic asks, squeezing my arm.

"Yeah," I puff. "Just need to catch my breath."

I let go of him and lean over the railing beside me and close my eyes taking some deep breaths, feeling my stomach inflate and shrink with each breath. This is not the time to forget how to breathe.

I look up and notice this particular part of the pond looks familiar, then I look around and realize I'm on the small bridge where Vic and I had our first kiss.

The memory comforts me. How far we've come since then.

Vic looks worried so I take his hand. This time he doesn't pull away. I pull him closer to me and lift his hand up to my cheek, to my scar.

I close my eyes, not wanting to see his reaction to what I'm about to tell him.

"When I was thirteen, my dad caught me kissing my friend, Lucas, in my room and he got angry and he hit me across the face with a beer bottle. I ended up with a fractured cheek, fifteen stitches and eventually this scar." I say shakily.

Vic's thumb runs along my scar and a tear slips from under my eyelid and onto his skin.

"I'm so sorry," Vic whispers softly. "He hit you because you're gay?"

I nod and choke out a small sob.

"Kell, that's horrible." he murmurs, dropping his hand from my cheek.

I turn away from him, leaning back over the railing.

"That's not all." I whisper, looking down at the water that's reflecting the sky. The night is breathtaking but everything feels so ugly right now.

I clear my throat so I don't lose my voice to fear.

"He..."

I take a breath trying to collate my thoughts. I feel Vic place his hand on my lower back which gives me the breath of air I desperately need.

"He kind of brainwashed me, I guess. He basically spent the next year convincing me that being gay was wrong, that I was wrong. He thought he could fix me." I explain.

I look to Vic, wondering if he's keeping up, if I'm making sense. The blank look that has been on his face all night is gone, instead he looks distraught. 

"You're not broken. You don't need fixing." Vic says softly.

I look back down at the pond. My reflection looks more like a shadow in the darkness.

"I know that now." I whisper. "I do. I just forget sometimes."

He steps closer to me and slides his arm around my waist. I instinctively lean my head against his shoulder. His comfort is enough to encourage me to continue.

"It's called internalized homophobia. I've been in therapy for it for about five years now and it has really helped. When I first started going I was convinced I was straight. I had a girlfriend. Her name was Alex-"

"The same Alex you lost your virginity to?" Vic interrupts. 

"Yeah," I confirm. "After I slept with her, I finally admitted to myself that I was gay. But I fucking hated myself for it. I didn't want to be gay. I didn't want it to be real. My dad convinced me that I couldn't be gay and have a fulfilling life. And I believed that, until I met Brandon last year. He showed me that I could be in a relationship with a guy and be happy."

"What happened?" Vic frowns.

"The same thing that happened last week. We had sex and I freaked out." I admit.

"That's why you disappeared in the morning?" Vic realizes.

"Yeah," I sniff.

I take another deep breath, desperately trying not to lose control of my emotions.

"I just get overwhelmed with this engrained shame sometimes and sex seems to be a big trigger for that. But there are little triggers all the time. Sometimes holding your hand feels like its too much for me. Sometimes the word 'boyfriend' makes me feel nauseous. Sometimes just looking at you too long makes me feel disgusting." I ramble.

I look to Vic but he's just solemnly silent so I continue.

"Vic, I'm not embarrassed of you. I could never be embarrassed of you. I think you're absolutely perfect and I love every single part of you, and that includes your disability. It's me who I'm ashamed of." I urge.

"I don't understand why you didn't just tell me all of this months ago." Vic finally whispers.

I pull away from him and lean back onto the railing, looking across the pond. I hear some laughter from a distance and look to the entrance of the function room where a group of friends are smoking and messing about. I wish Vic and I were having a good time rather than this depressing conversation. But it needs to be done.

"You have this flag that hangs on your wall." I murmur.

"My pride flag? What about it?" he asks confused.

I turn around so I'm facing him and resting my back against the rail.

"It's a pride flag, Vic. We have pride month and pride parades, and pride festivals and pride merchandise, pride marches, pride colors, pride fucking flags. Every single representation of homosexuality that is positive is centered around this idea of pride and I have spent most of my gay life feeling ashamed, not proud. And I feel shitty for it. The one thing I feel more ashamed of than my sexuality is feeling ashamed of sexuality. I'm ashamed of my shame. I'm just a walking, talking representation of shame." I exclaim.

I'm panting by the time I'm finished. I stare at Vic, waiting for him to respond but he just looks helpless.

Then I feel myself crumble and I finally burst into tears and sobs as if the wall that was blocking my emotions has finally been demolished.

I cover my face and turn away from Vic embarrassed, momentarily forgetting that he can't see me.

But it doesn't take long for his arms to wrap around me, holding me tight as he shushes me. I turn back around and bury my face into his chest, grabbing fistfuls of his white button up, craving the comfort that he always seems to radiate.

"Listen to me," he says softly.

I quiet my sobs so I can hear him speak but I can't stop the tears.

"You are not a representation of shame because there is so much more to you than just your shame. You're a talented artist, an amazing singer, a great little brother, an adorable drunk, an absolute sweetheart, a loving boyfriend and a beautiful gay man. And you are so much more. You are not defined by your trauma and I'm going to do whatever I can to support you through this."

"But there is no 'through this', Vic." I choke out. "This isn't going to go away, not any time soon at least. I don't want to hurt you again. We shouldn't be together."

He kisses my forehead then holds my head against his chest.

"You're not going to hurt me." he assures me. "Kell, if this is too hard for you right now, if it's too much for you to deal with this and have a boyfriend then I can respect that. But if you think we shouldn't be together because you think you're burdening me in some way, you're wrong."

"I just think you deserve someone who doesn't have all this baggage." I whimper.

"And I think you deserve someone who is sighted." he says matter-of-factly.

My heart breaks a little.

"But I don't care that you're blind, Vic." I urge.

"And I don't care that you have baggage, Kell." he pushes back. "I want to be with you. I know it's going to be hard sometimes, but you're worth it. I want to do this together."

"You're serious?" I sniff, worried that he's going to change his mind any second.

"Of course." he murmurs, into my hair.

I breath a sigh of relief and hug him tighter.

"I was so scared you were going to leave me." I mumble, letting a few final tears fall.

"Never again." he smiles, pulling away. "You okay to go back now? Or we can stay here. Or we can ditch the dance altogether if you're not feeling up to it. Whatever you want to do."

"Let's go back." I decide. "I owe you a dance."

He chuckles and takes my hand, making my heart skip a beat, then we begin heading back to the function room.

I squeeze Vic's hand, making sure it's really there and this isn't some super realistic dream. He squeezes back, assuring me that this is all real.

"Is this okay?" he murmurs.

It takes me a second to realize he's talking about our hands. Then I want to start crying again because he's so sweet.

I brush my cheek against his shoulder and sigh softly.

"It's more than okay." I whisper. "I missed you so much."

"I missed you too." he frowns.

We head back into the function room and I immediately feel a rush of anxiety and the urge to drop Vic's hand. But I acknowledge the feeling, I take a deep breath then I assure myself that I'm doing nothing wrong. And that's all it takes for the bad feelings to become bearable.

I lead Vic back over to the dance floor, then I wrap my arms around his neck and his snake tightly around my waist. I rest my chin on his shoulder and close my eyes, enjoying the moment.

I listen the unfamiliar song playing throughout the building as Vic and I sway gently. I don't typically like the shit they play on the radio these days but this one's okay. There's a huge possibility I only like it because Vic and I are dancing to it though.

Ever I roam. Further from home. Your hand I know now.

Vic takes one of my hands from around his neck and holds it in his which makes me smile like a fucking idiot.

He kisses my knuckles gently but then drops my hand. He grabs the frame of his glasses and I assume he's just adjusting them but then he takes them off. I watch wide-eyed as he folds them up one-handed and shoves them in his pocket.

He doesn't say anything and I swear the room is silent aside from the song that I already know is going to be ringing in my head for hours.

How the tides are changing, as you liberate me now. And the walls come down.

I get lost in his eyes, in the gesture, in the moment until he finally speaks.

"It's only fair that we be vulnerable together." he whispers, taking my waist again and resting his forehead against mine. "And I think I have some shame I need to work on too."

I grab his cheek then without thinking, I kiss him hard. And as he kisses back, I realize that this instinct to kiss him isn't predatory at all—it's just love—innocent, pure love.

I desperately try to savour his lips, remembering just how much I've missed them, but he pulls from the kiss far too soon.

His face has reverted back to that blank stare that I'm starting to hate and for once his eyes aren't telling me what he's thinking.

But his lips do, as he presses them to my cheek, to my scar. His gentle affection meets my violent trauma and I'm suddenly a tornado of solace and anguish.

But both feelings are short-lived as Vic leans in closer to my ear and grounds me with three simple words that I feel like I've been waiting to hear my whole life.

"I love you."

"You do?" I beam in awe.

"That's not your line." Vic chuckles.

"I mean, I love you too!" I grin. "But you really love me?"

"Yes, Kellin." he stresses, grinning back at me. "I love you. Every fucking part of you."

"Holy shit." I beam, throwing my arms around his neck again.

He laughs and buries his face into my hair. We just hold each other so tightly until the song that we were dancing to changes to something upbeat, not the kind of song you can sway to.

Vic pulls away and smiles at me as he grabs my bowtie between his fingers, adjusting it.

"Was this a big deal for you?" he asks over the loud music.

"Kinda," I nod. "I've never actually owned anything with the pride colors on it, definitely haven't worn anything with the pride colors on it, and definitely not in front of a whole heap of people." 

He smiles and pecks my lips gently.

"Well, I'm proud of you. And I'm sure it looks good on you." he beams, making me feel warm inside. "Do you wanna get out of here? Don't think dances are really my thing either."

"What? You didn't enjoy dancing with me?" I tease.

"Oh I love dancing with you. I just would prefer to dance with you somewhere less crowded and with better music." he chuckles.

"Fair point. Do you want to go hang out in our dorm?" I suggest.

"Sounds great." he grins, taking my hand.

We leave the hall and head back out into the night air. The beautiful night is no longer tainted by tension. I feel light and happy, happier than I've felt in a long time. I don't feel like I'm going to lose my boyfriend any minute, I'm not overwhelmed with shame, I just feel content with right now.

"Are you coming back to campus?" I ask hopefully.

"Yeah, I'll go get my stuff tomorrow."  he smiles but there's an uncomfortableness in it. "Look, I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions and acted irrationally. I should have just talked to you instead of leaving." 

"You don't need to be sorry. I think I needed you to leave so I could get my priorities in check and realize how much you mean to me. I don't think talking would have helped. I think I would have just kept lying to you." I explain, hoping to make him feel less guilty.

"But I am sorry. I told you I would never yell at you like that but then I did. I practically accused you of cheating on me, then I unfairly questioned your motives, and it was all because of my own insecurities. I'm sorry. I'll never do that again." he promises.

I squeeze his hand and kiss his shoulder.

"Well thank you. And I promise that I'll be more honest with you from here on out so I don't put you in a position where you feel insecure." I assure him.

"Thank you." he smiles. "I can't believe we had our first fight." 

I grin at his words and nudge him gently. 

"And there's plenty more to come." I giggle.

"Oh hell no. I hate fighting with you." he whines. "You have no idea how much I missed hearing you laugh. It was so hard not to wake up next to you, or be near you. I regretted leaving as soon as I did."

"Really? I honestly thought you hated me." I breathe.

"How could anyone ever hate you?" he beams.

My stomach sinks as I think about my dad. But I correct that thought. He didn't hate me. He hated my mom and took it out on me. My dad didn't even know me well enough to hate me.

We soon arrive at our dorm and the half-empty room is about to seem a lot less dismal now that Vic's here. But he doesn't come into the room like I'm expecting.

"Wait right here. I'll be back in a minute." he blurts out.

"Where are you going?" I frown confused but he's gone before I can even get all the words out.

I leave the door open and take a seat on my bed, waiting for him to return from god knows where.

But only moments later he returns, grinning and holding a guitar.

"Where'd you get that?" I ask confused, as he closes the door.

"A guy I met at that party let me borrow it for tonight." he explains as he walks towards me.

I take his arm as he sits down next to me on my bed then he tucks the guitar under his elbow and begins playing the song he wrote, the same song that he played on our first date, only now it's a lot longer and more intricate.

"I thought we were going to dance." I point out.

"You're going to dance. I'm going to play this song for you." he says matter-of-factly. "Up you get."

"I'm not dancing by myself." I shrill.

"Yes you are. If you don't dance, it'll be an insult to my musical abilities." he says bluntly.

I roll my eyes but get off the bed anyway. I begin nodding my head to the song Vic's playing but that's about all I do. How do people just naturally know how to dance? I swear everyone practices this shit in secret and I never got the memo.

"You're not even dancing." Vic chuckles.

"Am so." I lie.

"I can't believe you're embarrassed to dance in front of me. I can't even see you, Kells." he laughs.

"I can't dance." I pout. "I wasn't even dancing with you earlier. You were just kind of rocking us and I went along with it."

"I'm just fucking with you, Darling. Sit down." he snorts.

"You ass." I huff, falling down next to him.

I fall back onto my pillows and just watch him as he plucks at the chords on his guitar. He has this serious yet adorable expression on his face and I wonder if I make the same face when I'm drawing or if this is a Vic-only thing.

He begins singing softly and I near melt.

"I don't care if you're sick, I don't care if you're contagious. I would kiss you even if you were dead. Would somebody make me go blind for the rest of my life, 'cause I'd do anything to hold your hand."

He soon stops playing after that and turns to me expectantly.

"Well? What did you think?" he asks hopefully. "It's not much yet but I wrote it for you and wanted to get your opinion." 

I feel like a puddle. No one's ever written me a song before. Is this how Tommaso dei Cavalieri felt every time Michelangelo wrote him a sonnet?

"I mean, it's beautiful." I say in awe. "But babe, you're already blind."

"Ha ha. It's metaphorical, Smartass." he chuckles sarcastically. "It means I want to hold your hand. And that I love you."

I sit up and kiss his blushed cheek before taking his hand in mine.

"I love you too." I whisper. "And you can hold my hand whenever you like. It's yours. I'm yours."

"I don't ever want to make you uncomfortable." he murmurs unsurely. 

I sigh and tighten my grip around his fingers.

"I don't ever want to not do something that makes me happy because my dad thought it was wrong, because some assholes somewhere think it's wrong. I don't want you to ever let me give that up, okay? Please, hold my hand, even when I don't want to hold yours." I plead softly.

Vic smiles at me and kisses the bridge of my nose, missing my forehead completely. He puts his guitar down and pulls me closer to him.

I rest my chin on his shoulder and stare into his eyes, in awe at them—his cloudy pupils, his whiskey irises, the love that he holds in them—and I wonder why on earth he was so ashamed of something so beautiful to the point where he felt the need to hide them from the rest of the world.

And then I'm left wondering, why on earth I've been hating the part of me that feels love, the part of me that has given me the most perfect human being to cherish for as long as humanly possible, the part of me that makes me happy—the most beautiful part of me.

--

The song they were dancing to is Revelation by Jonsi and Troye Sivan which was written for the movie Boy Erased which is based off the memoir (of the same name) that inspired this story!

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