Array
(
[text] =>

Chapter 6 – Making a Clown of Myself

Ever since I was little I wanted to be a clown. They made it all look so easy, juggling bright balls around. When I became an adult I realized that joining the circus is a fruitless dream. What I really wanted was to be able to juggle, not balls, but my life. I wanted to be able to handle my career, my living arrangements, and my romantic situation all on one hand. Needless to say, I would make a bad juggler and I have yet to wear a red nose.

***

Ben chewed his lip and suppressed a grin. "Yeah, of course, tonight sounds great," He nodded even though he knew the other person couldn't see him. The man sat, dressed for work, in his kitchen. "Bye," Ben clicked the phone off and slid it into his pocket.

Colby tilted her head and smiled. "Looks like someone has a hot date tonight, please tell me it is with that man meat surfer guy. I would love to jump his bones. You really hit it big with him Ben." Colby flipped through a recipe book looking for the perfect pie.

"I know, I did hit it big with him." Ben stood up in a pompous fashion like a child boasting about how is six and a half years old. "He is sweet too; everything about Seth is just perfect. He is perfect you know."

"No Ben, no one is perfect," Gwen came into the kitchen in her bathrobe. She had a neon green bathrobe with purple spots. Her hair was disheveled and her mascara was smudged. "They are all trash and every little princess like Colby, you and I that thinks they have found their prince charming…lies, Disney lies to girls like us." Gwen stomped over to the fridge and pulled out a carrot from the crisper. She sat down and munched on it.

"Disney does lie, you know in the real stories the Little Mermaid died, and the Beast killed Belle." Colby noted her eyes wide at her findings. "I did some research after we had our little Disney craze, I am glad that's over."

"Lies, you know what else is a lie?" Gwen stood up having finished her carrot. "Howard, my muscular black British man Howard is a lie." Gwen burst out seeing only a broken world. "He told me last night that he is only nineteen. That makes me…" Gwen gulped afraid to speak. "His damn sugar mama,"

Colby and Ben could tell that Gwen had something on her mind. They couldn't believe that what she uttered was true. In a way the idea of Gwen with a younger man didn't surprise them much either. They both cracked up and slammed their heads into the rutty old plastic kitchen table. Colby and Ben found it hard to take their cynical friend seriously.

"Sure you guys can laugh about it now, but when he finds out how old I am that I am just an old maid." Gwen paused to think of all the fabulous sex she would miss out on. "I need time to recuperate so I called in sick today."

"Oh, I will stay home and help make you better Gwen," Colby offered she wanted to bake a pie really badly. "That old woman I think just hired me for someone to talk to. She won't mind if I call in sick."

"No, both of you need to go to work today." Gwen pointed her finger from Colby to Ben. "I don't want you being happy around me today. Today is a day of mourning a day for sadness and despair."

"Then I guess that means we should get going." Ben tugged Colby up and they got ready. He knew what would happen if Colby stayed. She would be like a bumblebee humming and getting on Gwen's nerves. Ben put on his new jacket and left the apartment. Colby followed behind him into the elevator. The hallway had a dusty smell to it as they waited for the elevator. The door slid open and both of them stepped inside.

"Oh, don't expect me home tonight," Ben said a smug look on his face. He still hadn't gotten over the fact that he had the perfect guy right in his pocket.

"I will take that to mean you will be home in time for dessert. I am making pie." Colby noted and watched the buttons above the door light up showing their decent. She still wanted to believe that her love life was better than Ben's.

"No," Ben objected. "Seth is taking me back to his house." Ben wanted to dance his way out of the elevator when it stopped but knew he couldn't pull off the moonwalk.

"He has a house, wow, Seth is rich too. He is just so amazing and perfect." Colby spat out then regretted the fact that she sounded so impressed. She turned her head to focus back on the numbers as it blinked to the L.

"He is perfect," Ben repeated the words sounded too good to be true in his mouth. "…that's what everyone keeps telling me." Ben stepped off the elevator and followed Colby out into the mild weather.

***

Ben came to the BBC building and found himself in Barkley's office once again. Barkley had changed his office around a bit. Before his desk was pushed to the side against the wall and an archaic leather chair took up too much space. Now a clean light wood colored desk was placed in the middle and Barkley sat in a normal swivel chair.

"First off, here is your paycheck. Good work, Ben," Barkley reached under his new desk and pulled out an envelope. It was a crisp white envelope with Ben's name written in type on the front.

"Thanks," Ben took the paycheck from his bosses' hand and placed it on his lap. The money felt good being so close. In a way this money kept him alive

"Anyway, I was thinking of moving up from gofer to camera man and film editor, like Peter." Barkley stated. Barkley presented the proposal in an interesting manner. It was as if he was still thinking of the idea and hadn't had it fully processed.

"Well, if you think it would be a good idea, I would be more than up for it." Ben suggested. He wanted to get more money and this seemed the perfect excuse.

"Okay, good, then there you go. Go do what you had planned to do today and I will work out a new schedule for you." The boss nodded and sent Ben in his way. Barkley had a way of waving his hand to dismiss people.

Ben stepped out of the office ecstatic and walked to the editing room to see Peter already hard at work. He wanted to share the news with his friend and sat down next to the blond haired man.

"Guess what? I got promoted, isn't that just great?" Ben said jubilant about the new news.

"That's fantastic," Peter replied deleting some unneeded footage of the audience clapping. "Okay, so I wanted to talk to you about that kiss and everything." Peter brought it up, he had thought about it all night and even had trouble sleeping.

Ben was surprised how eager Peter was to get back on the subject. "Yeah," Ben said he liked the kiss and it was nice but he didn't know what that meant for Peter and him. A kiss didn't mean that they were boyfriends, did it?

"Maybe I am moving too fast but, this is all so new to me." Peter paused his whole body seemed to freeze in time and space. Then the blond chuckled and continued on a different train of thought. "Yeah, I kissed my first guy in sixth form and…and that was it until the night in the bakery." Peter recalled and leaned forward to see if the shot of one of the television hostesses was good enough.

"Your first kiss," Ben tried to think back to his first kiss. It was in college, freshman year. The harder Ben thought about it the more difficult it was to remember everything about it.

"Yeah," Peter let out a nervous chuckle. "This guy named Harrison. He was trying to bring back mod. It was cute; he was really an Indie kid who had no idea what he wanted to do with life. At the time I thought, I thought he was the one you know. He was known as the school gay and I admired him so much. I admired his courage and everything. I could never be so blatantly out like him." Peter shrugged thinking how his life could be different if he was. "The night came and I spoke to him at one of my mates parties. We went into the garden and kissed. Needless to say, he was too pissed to even reckon who I was the next morn." Peter leaned back in the chair proud of himself for the excellent editing he did. Now all that needed to be done was to had it off to the editor who would put the final clips together.

"You mean, you haven't had a real relationship? Everything you know is based off that one kiss?" Ben couldn't take his eyes off Peter who seemed to run through the questions as if they were nothing. He must have had this speech and these memories rehearsed long before.

"Well, I suppose. It was just such a traumatizing experience for me. This guy I liked only used me really. This first kiss I was saving up for so long spent on a guy who didn't care." Peter turned to look at Ben his soft brown eyes like a dogs looking for recognition after performing a trick. "I should have known but I tried to fool myself into thinking he wanted me for more than a shag."

"I'm sorry that had to happen, you just want everything to work out like a Fairy Tale…" Ben trailed off; for the life of him he couldn't remember the details of his first kiss. He remembered the guys face but not his name, or where it happened. The feel was only a shadow of a shadow in his memory.

"Please, don't pity me." Peter laughed. He had pitied himself long enough after the event occurred. "It was a long time ago and I have gotten over it. I mean a kiss is just a kiss right. The big thing is the ultimate…you know…shag."

Ben let out a little chuckle then paused. He wasn't sure if Peter was a virgin or not, but thought it polite not to ask.

"You know what I don't get; on television they always call it, making love. I don't know a single person that says 'let's make love tonight.'" Ben stated still staring at the editing equipment which he only knew only partially how to use.

Peter let out a laugh and nodded. "I hate how they make it seem so easy to and they play some cheesy music in the background." Peter went into a laughing fit at the thought.

"Yeah, for once I would love a guy in a black lace thong to greet me in a room lit with candles and filled with rose peddles or even in a bathtub." Ben closed his eyes to fantasize. He laughed to and his laughter mixed with Peters to form a chorus of happiness.

"Okay, well I am ready for our first date." Peter had a determined smile.

"Me too," Ben replied opening his eyes. He blinked and turned to Peter.

"When shall we do it? You know, date?" Peter inquired he tilted his head. He didn't want to be too persistent but wanted it to be soon. "I will pick you up and everything."

"Oh, how romantic, coming to my door." Ben laughed and shook his head at the courtesy Peter offered. "Bless, anytime, surprise me." Ben then whispered more to himself than Peter. "I am still waiting to be surprised by something in my life." Ben then perked up and in a cheerful voice spoke. "Just make sure there are roses…lots of roses."

"Okay, rose petals check." Peter nodded adding it to his metal list. He then laughed at the reference to the earlier joke. "Shall I include that black lace thong?"

"Nah, we will save that for our second date." Ben informed still in a joking manner. "Now, can you teach me how to use this stuff? I only know what half these buttons are and if I am going to be on your level I should know all of them."

***

Ben took his leave of the BBC building and rode the London Underground, which is just another name for the Tube. He arrived at the right stop and got off. The man walked a few blocks in the temperate weather. It only took about five minutes to find the right address. Seth's directions were golden and Ben folded them up and placed them in his jacket pocket. He would need them if he wanted to return here which would probably happen if tonight went well.

Seth lived on a normal looking street and his house looked to be aged enough to fit the surroundings. Ben walked up the stone steps and knocked on the door. He heard footsteps scurry about and the door swung open.

"You came," Seth greeted leaning forward and giving a quick peck to Ben.

"I am surprised I didn't get mugged on the way here." Ben laughed and kissed Seth back this time a bit more passionate.

"Yum, let's save those for dessert. I cooked." Seth led Ben into the house.

"You cook?" Ben's eyes widened and he stepped across the threshold. The entranceway had a wooden look to it and a small side table held a vase with fake flowers.

"I do, I do cook," Seth express amusement as if the statement was obvious. "I also breathe and talk and walk."

"Great, make me feel dumb." Ben replied then chuckled at Seth's sarcastic humor. "Do you own this house?" Ben asked more serious.

"I share it, with Kylie my girlfriend…you know a friend that is a girl." Seth answered. "After University we decided to come here, her parents chipped in a considerable amount. Don't worry though; she is off with her fiancé this evening."

"Cool," Ben replied. He couldn't believe he used the term cool in front of a guy he was trying to impress.

"I know, I did cook this great French onion soup but…do you want to skip to dessert than have ourselves a midnight snack?" Seth dragged his tongue across his teeth in a seductive manner.

"That depends, what's for dessert?" Ben asked as he walked from the dark entranceway into a well lit kitchen.

"I was thinking some wine, whipped cream and chocolate sauce all over our bodies. Maybe get some tongue action going. If we do that, then we don't have to worry so much about who's the top, right?" Seth suggested leaning against a beautiful granite counter that didn't fit the old house.

"Kinky, great my life is turning into a trashy porn flick." Ben observed and chuckled. He sat down in a kitchen chair. "Seth, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, anything?" Seth answered turning to the bowls of soup which he brought over to the table. He seemed a bit disappointed but figured dinner should come before he did.

"Do you remember your first kiss?" Ben inquired tilting his head in an inquisitive manner. "Or is it more of a blur?"

"My first," Seth leaned over his soup. "Jeremy Glover, sophomore year in High School. We were both of the water polo team. It was after practice, still in our swimsuits. He smelled of chlorine and he bit my bottom lip playfully. Good kisser, bad polo player." Seth chortled as he slurped some soup.

"Oh no reason," Ben still tried to remember his and wanted to so badly. "You were jock in high school, I see. Bet lots of people hated that." Ben looked at the soup and took a spoonful of it feeling the warmth trickle down his throat. He would hate to say it but Seth had a way with food.

"Nah, I would like to think I was liked by everyone, friends with everyone at my school. I was a geek in middle school though. Kind of fat, wore this purple sweatshirt, they called me the grape." Seth explained and took some more soup in his mouth. "Those were definitely my fat years."

"Great, so you knew the best of both words…can relate to anything and liked by everyone: witty, handsome, charming, and perfect. Please, you are a Mary Sue."

"Mary Sue?" Seth's eyebrows furrowed in confusion of the word.

"Never mind, can you just tell me that you killed someone right now. I just want to find something wrong with you. I want to so badly." Ben looked at Seth who sat across the small circular table from him. He then admitted a deep feeling of guilt. "I don't think I deserve Mr. Right."

"Don't say that Ben. You deserve whatever life gives you." Seth replied, he said the perfect thing. The perfect reply came from his perfect lips, which were slightly dry.

"Why do you do that?" Ben said. "That thing where you say everything I want to hear." Ben gulped down some soup and stared at Seth.

***

Colby found Gwen sprawled out across the couch with a tiny carton of ice cream. Colby came next to Gwen and shoved her friend's feet off the couch to make room. Gwen looked up perturbed at her roommate who had come home early and had been buzzing about finding a pie recipe. Gwen looked down at the chocolate brownie ice cream which seemed to heal her wound.

"You know, I thought it was great that Howard and I were together." Gwen said knowing she needed to talk to Colby to get her to go away. "I thought that finally I had found the black British boy of my dreams. Then he had to take me back to his dorm." Gwen rolled her eyes and took out a rather large spoonful of chocolate ice cream. "I shouldn't have gotten invested in him. I shouldn't get invested in things." Gwen spoke calmly and her voice remained in the same monotone as if she were doing a math problem. "Why can't I just do something and move on with my life." She complained as she scooped out a chunk of brownie and shoved it in her mouth.

"You can't do that though. Gwen, you came to England and you are still here. Do you realize how big of a step that was for everyone." Colby tried to reassure Gwen.

"That was a pretty big step, but this is different, he is a baby. I don't want to date someone who will still be in college when I am moving up the career ladder."

"Then dump him and know that the only reason why was because you want to stick to the stereotype." Colby shot out of the seat, angry, and marched to the kitchen. The kitchen was right behind the couch and the dramatic movement seemed almost comical to Gwen.

"What?" Gwen stood up and placed the container on the coffee table. "No, I am not sticking to the whole, women-date-older-men-not-the-other-way-around-stereotype."

"Sure, you don't know how much crap I got when I was eighteen and dated a sophomore in high school. Yet, when guys my age did the same thing they were hailed as kings." Colby said and waved her hand around.

"Colby, I am not trying to put shame on woman-kind. You act like I am the anti-Christ…you dated a sophomore?" Gwen said surprised at this new information she never discovered.

"But you are a shame on woman kind. You love him right? It's the age thing that freaks you out. Plus, yeah, the sophomore…I was naive and we didn't do anything past first base." Colby leaned against the counter and crossed her arms.

"You're right." Gwen muttered under her breath. She hated to admit it but her whole age thing shouldn't have mattered. "The sex is just…too good to pass up. Fine, I will get invested."

"Good, now that that's settled. We need to go grocery shopping. Go put on something other than that bathrobe. I need to buy pie ingredients." Colby instructed and watched Gwen march into her room. A knock on the door alerted Colby of a visitor. Her mind still lingered on Howard and that attractive sophomore.

Colby walked over to the front door and opened it. She looked upon a man she didn't know who had curly blond hair and earthy brown eyes. He was moderately attractive and had a bouquet of roses.

"Are you Howard…I thought you were black?" Colby mentioned her eyebrow rose. She had no idea who this could be or why he held roses.

"No…is this the right address…I thought…does Ben Howe live here?" Peter questioned, confused. His hand clutched the bouquet tightly and he sucked on his lower lip. Peter expected Ben to come to the door. He didn't even know the guy of his dreams had roommates.

"Yes, but he is out on a date…who are you?" Colby tilted her head leaning on the door. She didn't want a stalker after her friend. Her eyes caught the bouquet and tried to connect the dots. "Oh, you're…"

"Never mind, it doesn't matter, give these to Ben for me." Peter shoved the roses in Colby's hands and dashed down the hallway. He was hurt and couldn't seem to bring up the right words to say. Peter thought Ben wanted a relationship with him. Peter felt his heart shatter and the tiny shards cut through his organs. Ben was a sweet, kind, and wonderful guy to him. Peter prayed for a moment thinking it a lie, maybe a different Ben lived there, maybe he was dreaming. His pulse pumped as he reached the open elevator and dashed inside. The metal doors slid shut and he knew it was true, Ben played him.

Colby gawked at the roses for a moment then tried to run after him. Her converse jolted out the door and into the dusty hallway. "Wait, hold on" Colby shouted as the elevator doors closed. She slugged back to the room. "…I…I messed up."

"Darn right you did," Gwen came up behind Colby and took the bouquet of roses. "To Ben, let there always be roses. Peter." Gwen read from the card.

***

Ben woke up next to Seth in a tiny single bed. As he moved the gray cotton sheets cotton sheets caressed his body. Seth's brown hair was messy and Ben vaguely remembered moving his hands through it the night prior. He knew a lot of things happened last night, none of them he believed consisted of penetrating each other in any way. He remembered a massage and licking chocolate sauce off of Seth's abs. He definitely remembered the abs part. Ben yawned and stretched his arms then looked around the room spotting his boxers, khakis, shirt, and jacket.

The man relaxed for a few moments staring at the ceiling and trying to remember his first kiss. The memories were slowly filtering back now and the puzzle was taking shape. It was fuzzy though, his memory. Ben slid out of the bed and put his boxers on first then commenced with dressing himself. He noticed as Seth stirred and sat on his elbows.

"Time to go, I have work today." Ben pointed out.

"Want me to cook you breakfast or," Seth yawned. "Or…something I need to get up and go to work too. It wouldn't be a bother."

"I am actually running late, so I will call you later okay?" Ben replied and slid on a sock which was almost tucked under the bed.

"Alright, look forward to it, I had a great night." Seth mentioned his crystal blue eyes still watching Ben.

"I did too," Ben nodded not sure how to feel the morning after. He didn't feel much of anything at the moment and didn't want to show up late for work.

Ben took the tube back to his flat and hurried inside. Colby and Gwen had already left for work and he only gave a glance at a vase with roses on the kitchen table. Ben wanted to take a shower and his right nipple was sticky from whipped cream and saliva residue. He changed into fresh clothes and splashed his face then brushed his teeth. The man ran out the door and hurried to work.

***

Ben knew he wasn't terribly late when he arrived and the receptionists didn't say anything to him, which was their usual greeting to most. He entered the studio where they were filming another episode of that women's talk show. It only took a second before Ben spotted Peter and went up to him.

"Hey Peter, how was your night?" Ben asked walking up to the camera. His heart raced as he saw Peter. He had remembered his first kiss and wanted to tell the cameraman about it.

"Fine, and how was yours with Seth? Or is it Howard? Your roommate didn't make it clear to me." Peter snarled avoiding eye contact.

"How'd…what?" Ben said confused, but more caught off guard. He could spot the anger in Peter's voice.

"You know what, it doesn't matter." Peter shrugged it off but still avoided eye contact. "Kisses mean different things to different people. I guess when we kissed it didn't mean anything to you. You're so much like Harrison it makes me sick" Peter said referring to his first kiss.

"Peter, I don't…I don't understand. I want to help and do whatever I can, but I am confused." Ben pleaded hating the attitude that Peter gave him. Ben felt guilty that Peter was hurt by his night with Seth but wasn't sure of the whole story.

"No, you need to explain yourself," Peter said finally making eye contact "I was ready for the date, I bought flowers – roses not that it would mean anything to you – I thought…I guess we weren't on the same page. Maybe, maybe we aren't even reading the same book."

"You came for our date," Ben instantly remembered he told Peter to surprise him. "And I was…at Seth's." The boy repeated the words slowly processing the situation.

"Well, you had me fooled that you were the perfect guy." Peter scowled and turned to leave but stopped as Ben spoke.

Ben wanted to talk to his co-worker, who was now his equal. Ben whispered the story he wanted to tell. "I remembered my first kiss." Ben spoke to Peter's back. "It was with this guy in college who had a buzz cut. He had this amazing nose and…the kiss was slow at first. He did this thing where he rubbed his tongue on the back of my teeth. It was weird but…I think I forgot it because I didn't like him that much. That kiss…not a few nights ago, but in the bakery, I remember that so well."

Peter let out a choked sigh and walked briskly down the hall. Ben watched the guy walk away. He didn't know that Peter was already so invested in him.

***

Life is confusing in the way that you can balance certain aspects but others can't even stand up. I can stick up my friends who stand tall and erect, like a pillar of stability. Then I can work through my job and build that up so it becomes a stable part of my environment. It when it comes to love, the messed up domino which falls down and drags all the other pieces with it. Life isn't a circus and it isn't dominos, life is a mind game that messes with ones head.

***

(((AUTHORS ANALYSIS)))

Okay, I don't have much to say this time. I guess a big theme of this chapter was perfection and how it tied in with beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Peter thought Ben was perfect (which he obviously isn't) and Ben thinks Seth is perfect (I still have to mess him up somehow.)

Gwen takes a big stride forward this chapter becoming the less cynical person. We get to peek into her insecurity of being accepted into society. Notice how when she does go to work she is pristine and clean and then when she is hurt she turns into the girl that eats ice cream on the couch. These are stereotypical personas that Gwen has trouble breaking. Colby helps her out of her rut and shows that it is okay to not conform all the time.

Okay, a big thing that I hope you guys and girls caught was the fact that Ben had trouble remembering the night prior with Seth but remembered the kiss with Peter at the bakery. Ben also had trouble remembering his first kiss. Let's connect the dots and see where they go in the next chapter.

[text_hash] => 3c874c6f
)