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Chapter 3 – Getting in the Game

We all know of the game and can't deny that one way or another we are drawn into it. It can be the game of baseball where first base is French, second is feel, third is finger, and fourth is…well screw. As someone who bats for the other team I have discovered that it is usually harder to get into the game than it is to get out. I also discovered that Baseball metaphors and me, don't get along.

***

"He caught you ogling him?" Colby gasped as she took some toast out of the toaster and placed it on a plate. Colby brought the plate to the table and scrunched up her lip in worry for her friend.

"Yeah, I ogled, he saw, he…well he looked uncomfortable." Ben explained. He couldn't quite describe the look on Peter's face. It was an awkward look that Ben couldn't decipher himself.

"How so?" Colby leaned on the counter as Ben took a bite of his toast.

"Like, constipated," Ben shrugged, he couldn't think of anything else and put his hands on his head. "I feel like I am in a whole different playing field with these British guys." Ben knew how baseball worked, soccer, or football, wasn't his forte.

"Is Ben complaining about Camera Boy again?" Gwen picked up on the conversation as she exited the bathroom in her hotel uniform. A tight knee length skirt and green sports jacket. Gwen also had her brown hair pulled back into a tight bun which a few frizzy strands stuck out.

"He does have a name you know, Peter…a holy name." Ben added, thinking that this statement would please his mother. He could see her holding a bible to her chest as he spoke. "I feel like English people are harder to get with."

"I thought they were easier, I mean that one…" Gwen spotted Colby shaking her head ferociously. The point came across like a train hitting a deer and splattered onto Gwen's face with such velocity it almost knocked her back.

"You have already slept with someone," Ben whimpered turning around and glaring at his roommate. The normal looking Average-Joe guy not only felt left out from his friends not sharing but also embarrassed that he had yet to succeed under the sheets.

"No, course not," Gwen shook her head and left. "Colby, you need to find a job and stop mooching off of us." Gwen pointed at the blond haired girl who had been unpacking and setting up all week.

"Today, today I stop slacking and sightseeing and…" Colby laughed she couldn't even believe the bull crap which flooded so freely out of her mouth. Colby had a way of brightening up a room. Her brown hair had been pulled back into a loose hanging pony tail and she held out the second plate of toast for Gwen. "Okay, I will cut the bull crap and actually look."

Gwen eyed the cooked bread curiously then shook her head. "Why do I want that when I can mooch gourmet food from the buffet at the hotel? Shall I try and sneak some stuff back for you guys tonight." Gwen said her black high heals clacking on the wooden floor.

"Oh if you can, I don't want you to get in trouble." Colby pointed out as she bit into the toast. Colby knew Gwen was more rebellious than her and was frightened a little bit for her friend.

"I will just tell them I am pregnant with twins," Gwen waved her hand like it was nothing then paused at the door. Her hand stuck to the doorknob and her feet glued to the floor. She let out a little chuckle and in a cheery voice which could almost be confused with Colby's she shouted out. "I am eating for three now," as she jolted out the door and shut it behind her.

Colby and Ben glanced at each other and Ben took a bite of his toast. He liked leaving late and arriving home late. Yeah, it was a tough schedule, but he could afford to take his time with breakfast. Ben became acquainted with the idea of starting out the day with a good meal. In the past he hated how his father was so persistent that he ate. He would spend his mornings sleeping in and eating a hardy breakfast. Ben would get ready for work then read the first page of the newspaper. This routine became common and he would save the rest of the paper for his tube ride.

***

The BBC building was quiet that cloudy morning. The clouds seemed to twist and turn in the sky, confused as to where they should stay. The movement of the clouds mimicked the receptionist who bustled around the office delivering papers. Everything seemed to have a hectic pace to it once Ben left his house. The receptionists were much too stressed to bother even looking at Ben as he entered. It made him wonder if any weirdo could wander into the building and cause a ruckus without problems.

Ben entered a small studio where they filmed a woman's talk show in front of a live audience. As soon as he entered Ben was drawn to a table of pastries but held himself back and watched as people checked the equipment. His eyes drifted to the doughnuts with different kinds of frosting and sprinkles.

"Hey Ben," Peter greeted with a laugh. The laugh through Ben for a loop and he wasn't sure exactly what was funny. Did he have something on his face?

"Oh hey Peter," Ben said trying to act cool. He wanted to lean against the table. He put one hand down which landed on a jelly filled doughnut. The insides squirted out along the table and the sticky feeling of jelly oozed on his fingertips. He closed his eyes in embarrassed agony knowing of his blunder.

"We are just bursting with ooze today aren't we?" Peter pointed out with the doughnut. Peter's eyes focused on Ben and no one else in the room.

"Oh come on, I squished that, I guess I don't know my own strength." Ben let out a laugh which he hoped wasn't taken as sarcastic. Ben wanted his phrase to sound manlier than anything else. He turned and snatched up a napkin to wipe off his hand. The most of it wiped off but a sticky residue remained. "Anyway, why did you come on me today, I mean…I mean come up to me today? Anything I can get you?" Ben stuttered with his words trying to find the right ones which wouldn't mortify him.

"No, actually, I was thinking you could help film the show, you know amongst us camera men." Peter tilted his back as if the offer was such a great honor.

"Oh I would love too, I knew you wanted something." Ben joked and poked Peter who looked annoyed at the social bubble boundaries which were broken. Ben quickly pulled his finger back and kept it to himself.

"Also, I wouldn't mind talking to you, how about over a pint? When the show is over?" Peter offered and tightened his lips making them tiny slits. All Ben could bring to the table was a nod. He dropped the pressure on his mouth. Peter walked away his slick black shoes making taps on the tiled floor.

"What the hell do tight lips mean?" Ben sighed and looked at the squashed jelly doughnut. He shrugged and threw the napkin in the trash can then turned to clean up the mess. He shrugged when he turned around to see just how much Jelly had squirted. He managed to even get some on the coffee cups at the other end of the table.

"Cleaning up a mess, Ben? You mutilated it. Just throw the doughnut in the rubbish bin." Barkley, the head honcho, smirked as he approached the table grabbing a doughnut. "Just supervising, you're not in trouble." The boss mouthed quickly to make sure Ben didn't freak out.

"Oh good, I just got excited and now it is all sticky" Ben replied with a forced laugh to show the boss that he did have a sense of humor. "You know the doughnut." Ben pointed to the red stains on the table which he dragged the napkin over.

Barkley eyed the boy for a moment like a man would watch a monkey in a zoo. He then turned his head. "There's Peter, one moment, I do need to talk to him," Barkley nodded goodbye and trotted off to find the guy of Ben's desire.

Ben couldn't put to words how much he was crushing on Peter. Every golden curl was lustful. Peter's smooth white skin was like frosting on a cake that Ben wanted to just lick. Although, Ben came to the conclusion that what he liked most about Peter were his eyes, those deep earthy eyes which seemed to stare off into nothingness and everything all at once. Looking at him was almost too much. Ben froze; Peter turned and caught him ogling, again. Ben spun around and pretended to keep cleaning the doughnut spill. He was caught in the act. Ben's face felt as red as the strawberry Jelly which made his hand sticky.

***

The day ended with a stream of events. Ben was so glad when he spotted Peter exit the building with a warm smile to greet Ben. They both walked through the busy London streets. The lights danced in the sky and warmth covered the ground as if to prepare for a rain. A pub Ben recognized that he knew wasn't far from his flat. The Chiseled Chimney, a British pub which had an authentic aged looked to it. Polished worn wood covered almost every inch and shiny glass wine bottles hung behind the bar.

Peter opened the door and Ben hurried inside, they both found a seat near the back and eased into their chairs. Ben instantly noticed the roughness of the stool he sat in. He wondered if it was just him or possibly everyone else just didn't like to admit it.

"I'm glad you decided to come, I wanted to give you a warm welcome to England." Peter stated with a small smile. His brown eyes focused on Ben, deep brown eyes which Ben could get lost in far too easily.

Ben couldn't help but drown a little and drink in the dark eyes as he tried to muster up some form of human language to respond to Peter. Ben nodded and let out a little sigh. He knew that the whole evening couldn't go like this or he would miss his chance at getting one real friend here.

"I am glad to be here, everyone at the studio is so nice, nicer than I expected." Ben replied then sat in the smoky silence of the pub. He turned away from Peter to avoid an awkward stare and decided that the tiny candle in the middle of the table would suffice. The fire flickered and the wax around it melted into the glass holder. The whole pub was heavy on the polished wood and a large fireplace was on the other side. The fireplace was obviously a reference to the pubs name because different names and dates were chiseled into it.

"Okay," Peter sat down across from Ben forcing the guy to look up. Ben wasn't aware that Peter had left him. "Oh I just ordered the pints, here we go," Peter placed a large amber colored liquid in front of Ben.

Ben looked at the bubbling drink and wondered if it was like apple juice. He knew it wouldn't be and this wasn't his first time drinking beer. The last time he drank it, he passed out with a toothbrush in his mouth. The young man didn't want another toothbrush incident to occur. He decided it best to not drink that much tonight.

"Wow, this is good," Ben said taking a sip from the liquid. He didn't actually find it that amazing and it was somewhat warm. Ben just nodded and looked at Peter who stared back at him. He hated how Peter stared at him with those amazing brown eyes.

"You did great on the cameras today, Barkley even admitted it. Mr. Stick up his ass doesn't usually admit things." Peter replied stating what was the obvious around the work place. "He tends to keep them pent up inside so he can have as minimal fun as possible."

Ben couldn't help but laugh at the comment and decided to try and bounce the conversation back and forth. "Yeah, during the interview he almost patted me on the back in congratulations but stopped and put his hand back down. It was really awkward. I wasn't sure if I should have acknowledged his hand or just ignored it."

"Yeah, last month he came up to the camera and talked to me about it. I said a joke and he looked like he bit into a lemon, when I told him it, his face crunched up. I think that man is beyond humor." Peter said with a chuckle as he took a swig. Ben watched as Peter's Adams apple moved a little bit with each gulp.

"Yeah, beyond," Ben replied with a tiny chuckle of his own. He looked at his still full pint and took another sip savoring it. Ben didn't really like this pub that much and wanted to escape. He anted to take Peter someplace memorable. "Do you like cupcakes?"

"Cupcakes?" Peter responded his eyes squinting confused. "I haven't had those since I was a lad."

"Well, I know there is this bakery near here. Want to go get one?" Ben laughed and took a rather large mouthful of beer which he couldn't hold. Some of the alcohol dribbled down his chin and when he swallowed such a large gulp it hurt. His pride grew with the fact that he knew a bit of his surroundings. Ben wanted to show Peter something for once.

"Really? I thought I knew this place well," Peter laughed and nodded finishing his pint and standing up. "Shall we go then?" Peter grabbed his coat from the back of the chair and swung it on as he walked out.

"We shall," Ben replied now feeling more comfortable around the man than before. Ben wasn't sure if his courage was growing or if the beer gave him a bit of a buzz.

They both walked down the streets warm with feeling. Ben told Peter all of his American jokes and about half of them him got. The two laughed loudly in the streets but drew little attention from passerbies. Ben couldn't remember having such a wonderful time with someone. Someone who laughed at his jokes at least half of them anyway.

As they turned the corner Ben pointed out a bakery with a rainbow flag pasted in the window. Ben was knowledgeable of this flag going to the Castro. He remembered a few days earlier seeing it. It was a friendly smile on the street and a safe haven he knew that he could duck into someday. Today was the day to duck into that haven.

The bakery seemed to glow in contrast to the darker surroundings. A bright light and soft cheery music played inside tempting guests to enter out of the cold. Inside pink walls and cheery red tables awaited guests.

"Oh, this bakery," Peter said his voice shook a tiny bit. A fear grew in Peter's throat as he eyed the doorway with apprehension.

"Yes, I have been in here only once before. Best cookie of my life, well second only to Grandma Howe." Ben said tugging Peter in. Ben wanted to pull Ben inside so badly and just have fun. He wanted to get out of the cold and into this new life.

A pudgy lady with bright red hair and too much makeup greeted them and asked what they wanted. She pointed out that they have lovely hot chocolate that would keep them both warm tonight. The woman wore a bright yellow dress and a large white apron. It was curious how the features of the woman were more masculine than anything Ben had seen.

"Can I get two cupcakes with pink frosting?" Ben tapped the glass where they were placed. He eyed the swirls of pink and the sprinkles which dotted them. The man licked his lips at the treats he would soon receive.

The woman lifted both of them out of the shelf with certain carefulness and placed them in a bright pink box. It was at that moment Peter and Ben realized that this woman was indeed a drag queen. The queen tied the box and wished them a good evening then went into the back to reapply some mascara. She waddled off to the back where she disappeared in a doorway.

Peter looked uncomfortable as he sat down in the pink chair and looked at the pink box which Ben opened.

"These things are huge," Ben said holding his cupcake near his mouth and twisting his head to bite into it. Frosting covered his upper lip and he didn't realize. He smiled dopily at Peter who couldn't draw his eyes away from the lip.

"You have some," Peter pointed out his hand less shaky than before. Peter was obviously trying to relax. The British blond haired man took the initiative and leaned forward placing his thumb on Ben's cheek. His thumb caressed the cheek for a moment. Peter then dragged it over the frosting to remove the pink mustache from his upper lip. Peter's finger moved slowly touching every nerve on Ben's lip.

Ben felt he could have been in a Technicolor dream. Peter froze his hand still on the other man's cheek. They stared at each other like owls in the night and Ben moved forward leaning gently over the pink box and planted a soft kiss on Peter's lips. They tasted sweet and the vanilla cupcakes flavor could still be hinted at. Ben was almost jealous that the cupcake covered up Peter's taste. He wanted to push back the cupcake and taste the real Peter.

Peter leapt from the chair as if a spider had crawled on his mouth. He shook his head scared. "No, I'm not, I'm not gay okay." He turned and dashed out of the bakery. The whirl of his coat caught Ben's eye as he sped out of the bakery.

Ben slipped forward onto the box crushing it and the cupcake inside. He had leaned too far over the table. The drag queen came out from the back and gave him a sympathetic smile. Ben did not need pity from her; he didn't need his life to go down the drain again. He gave the drag queen a glare he/she did not deserve and left with the broken box in his hands.

***

Ben returned to his flat and found Colby and Gwen watching another Disney movie, this one being Pocahontas. The flat was cleaner now and everything was slowly finding a place. Ben wasn't exactly sure where he fit into this whole picture yet, but there was still time. The boxes weren't unpacked yet. Ben stared at them momentarily trying to see if there was room for him on the couch. Then he walked to the couch and slumped down.

"What's wrong Princess, you look worse than usual." Gwen said only glancing at her roommate for a moment. She knew something bothered him but assumed it wasn't a big deal. "Don't be sad, Colby has finally found a job."

"I did, so we are celebrating with cookies." Colby turned from the couch and pointed on the kitchen table. She pointed to some cookies which were cold and looked like chocolate chip. "Where exactly have you been all day? I thought you were off earlier?"

"I messed up," Ben said and these three words caught his friends' attention immediately. "I thought, he touched my cheek and…I thought he was gay." Ben shook his head a little tears swelling in his eyes. "I kissed him and he left. Then this drag queen acted all sorry for me. Plus, I squished my cupcake." Ben frowned and put his hands to his eyes leaning back into the couch.

"We all make mistakes. I undercooked those cookies." Colby said and patted Ben's back. "Even worse, during my interview for a job at this Charity store I told the interviewer she reminded me of my grandma."

"Yeah, and I slept with this guy and I called him by the wrong name. The first British guy I sleep with, I called by the wrong name. I wasn't even close." Gwen admitted revealing her story which was brought up that morning.

Ben didn't need to hear this from his friends. He didn't need to hear how they messed up too. He wanted to hear them say that it was going to be okay. Ben wanted them to say it was okay without asking them to say it. He watched the insides of his eyelids and noticed a light show begin. Blues turned to greens and greens turned to purples.

"I messed up and I blew it. I blew my only chance at a relationship and all hope is lost. Everything is lost." Ben said his voice shook and sadness crept in.

"I don't - I don't think it is lost." Colby whispered and hugged her friend. "I don't think hope can be lost, just hidden out of view sometimes."

***

I tried to play the game, I struck out, and I'm off the team and out of the ballpark. In the end I am told that all that matters is that I tried my best. People tell us, it isn't whether you win or lose but how you play the game. This, to me, is horrible advice. No one remembers second place, the loser doesn't get a trophy, and who wants to have sex with someone who can't play ball.

***

(((AUTHOR ANALYSIS)))

Okay, let's talk about the cupcakes, the yummy cupcakes that I can't stop thinking about. Cupcakes are generally thought to be for kids, but they are more a symbol for Peter and Ben's relationship. There is also the doughnut, but I will bring that back later. The cupcake was a fresh and new thing that Ben wanted to try out. Let's just say at this point the cupcake is Peter. Ben was the first one to bit it and dive into Peter aka the cupcake. Yet, Peter wasn't ready and left, Ben fell forward and squished the other cupcake. This relates to how Ben is feeling at the time. He feels squished and ruined and all this pink frosting is everywhere. Back to the Jelly doughnut, it wasn't just a sexual innuendo. The doughnut was also Peter and Ben's relationship, sticky and confusing and messy at the time. It was just a mess and Ben didn't know which way it was going. He needed to clean it up, which he did…the doughnut and the relationship until the cupcakes came into play. Now the last food metaphor: The cookies, which were cold. Ben was cold now, he got the cold shoulder from Peter, who gave him warmth, and now is cold. Yeah, this isn't such a happy chapter when you look closer. Sort of a proof is in the pudding chapter.

Anyway, where there is sadness there is happiness. Expect love, naked love, the next chapter.

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