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Chapter 18 – Our Troubles Will Be….

The first three definitions in the dictionary of family begin with the words, "a group." This, I think, is funny because it couldn't be further from the truth. I wouldn't ever want to be grouped with my family on any occasion, even holidays. They are religious zealots and I am gay, what else do I need to say.

***

Hilary, Colby's mother, stirred from her sleep. Her head felt a sharp rush of pain and a morning migraine took over. Sensitive to the light, her eyelids slapped shut. Hilary rolled over the sheets moving with her. It took the mother a moment to realize that she was not alone in the room. Colby sat next to the bed, eyeing her mom's every movement. After a few moments Hilary gained some composure and reached out to hold her child's hand.

"Hello dear," the memories from the previous night was fuzzy. "Did I make a fool of myself?"

"Yes you did," Colby stated frankly.

"I'm sorry dear," Hilary replied patting her daughter's hand.

"It's okay; it is a disease, an illness you can't control. That's why dad and I have called Riverside. They will have your room set up by the time we get there. They have also called your sponsor, remember Faye?"

"Colby, it is Christmas," Hilary objected. She lifted herself up to her elbows and looked at her daughter.

"And last night, you passed out drunk." Colby replied. "I packed your bags; dad is cooking breakfast before we leave. It will take a while to drive there but traffic should be light."

"Colby, dear, what about presents and Christmas dinner, I mean this isn't that big a deal. I am fine; I promise I won't drink at all today." Hilary winced and rubbed her forehead.

"What about tomorrow, and the next day?" Colby argued. She walked over to a packed suitcase.

"Well, I am not going to stop drinking entirely that is insane." Hilary retorted.

"Dad told me, that this happens at least twice a week. He started going to bed early to avoid your drunken rages. Dad might be too afraid to fight you on this but I'm not…mom please…please do this for me." Colby walked to her mother's side and held her hand.

"Fine, I will go, but what about Ben?" Hilary replied begrudgingly.

"He is sorted." Colby smiled, happy her mother agreed.

***

Colby watched her mom and dad pile into the car from the front door. She turned to Ben and gave a wry smile. The house was emptier now, devoid of life except for those two. The cooking and baking which would take place during Christmas day to prepare for the feast couldn't be seen. No smells drifted from the kitchen or scurries from the rooms down the halls. The tree was vacant and no gifts were given.

"I am so sorry we have to leave you, I mean…it's a family matter." Colby explained.

"I know, I understand. You should go, I will just crash with Gwen. She celebrates Christmas too, right? In addition to Chanukah?" Ben inquired. He noticed Colby's eyes dart back to the car. She wanted to get going.

"Yeah, do that," Colby nodded. "I got to go…sorry again," Colby put a hand on Ben's shoulder. "Merry Christmas Ben," She dropped her hand and walked out the door to the car.

"Merry Christmas Colby," Ben shut the door behind him, locking it with the house key he was given.

The brunette waved off the car and turned up the hill. Gwen lived a few houses up. He stopped at a two story house. A white birdbath was a new addition to the house. The vines of ivy crept up the side were the same and Ben could spot Gwen's bedroom window on the second story.

Ben's stomach sank and he approached the front door. People shouted and screamed on the other side. Ben pushed down the doorbell and a small ring sounded. A few moments later the door swung open. Gwen's younger sister, Gail, answered.

"Who are you?" Gail asked. She was a teenager.

Ben noticed her hair was dyed black with a large pink streak down one of her sideband.

"Ben, remember me Gail? You…used to have dirty blond hair and pigtails…" Ben chuckled and looked at the teen.

"No, I don't remember you. Gwen, some gay guy is here to see you." Gail shouted and disappeared behind the doorway.

"Merry Christmas," Ben greeted as Gwen appeared.

"What are you doing here?" Gwen replied, frantic. "Oh, and Merry Christmas to you too, what's up?"

"Well, Colby had to take her mother to rehab…and I don't want to spend Christmas alone." Ben leaned forward to look into the house. The shouting came from the kitchen and continued.

Gwen pushed Ben back and stepped outside shutting the front door behind her.

"You can't spend Christmas here." Gwen put a hand on an objective hip.

"Gwen…if I wanted to spend Christmas alone, I could have done that in England." Ben complained. He looked at his roommate with puppy dog eyes.

Gwen shrugged, "In case you haven't already observed, my family argues a lot…and I can't handle you today. Plus, didn't your mother invite you to Christmas yesterday?"

"Yes," Ben rolled his eyes, "but you are joking right? Do you remember what happened in England?"

"I do, but…the holidays are a time where we all have to deal with out families." The sound of shattering glass came from inside. "No matter how horrible, goodbye Ben." Gwen ducked inside and shut the door.

Ben felt the cold surround him outside. He had two choices: go back to Colby's or go to his parent's.

***

Gwen sat at the kitchen table. A large kitchen/living room combination lay out before her. Her mother and stepmother argued over how to cook prime rib, while her father argued at both of them for their incompetence.

Gail sat on the couch with her laptop, updating her on-line journal. She looked up and shook her head at her family. Gwen stood up and tapped her sister's shoulder.

"Want to go for a walk?" Gwen offered. "Get out of the house? Get some air?" Gwen smiled at the younger girl.

"Not with you," Gail shot back. Gail stood up and walked down the hallway.

Gwen furrowed her brow and followed her younger sister to the foot of the staircase.

"What's the problem here?" Gwen said in a firm voice. "Why are you so grouchy? I don't think I deserve to be chastised for inviting you on a walk." The older sister wanted an answer for this unacceptable behavior.

Gail cursed and shook her head. "Great, you are arguing too. You are just pissed off because I don't conform and assimilate to society like you. Here is a tip, don't come into a house which you haven't been apart of for years and act like you're the boss. You only come off like an ass."

"What is wrong with you? Where is this attitude from? You never used to be like this?" Gwen retorted more comforting than conflicting.

"Oh yeah, god forbid I dye my hair and have an opinion now. Gee, just because I didn't want to go on a stupid walk you have to make a big deal. Leave me alone." Gail shouted and pulled herself up the staircase. Her room door slammed a second later.

Gwen, shocked at the situation, returned to the kitchen as her step-mother broke another dish.

"Ya'll don't know how to celebrate Christmas…don't tell me you do because I know you don't." The step-mother screamed.

"Gawd, I know how to cook prime rib. You don't have to be Christian to cook prime rib." Gwen's mother argued back and grabbed the tray.

"Don't you dare talk to my wife like that; she is more of a member of this house than you ever were." The father growled at his ex-wife.

"Oh I can talk to her however I damn well please," Gwen's mother replied her eyes wide with fury.

Gwen could see why Gail would seclude herself to her room. This bickering was the same. Her mother and father got divorced while Gwen was in middle school. The step-mother moved in and took on the role of mom for the next years. Everything was always so heated and tense around the house. Gwen wouldn't take it anymore, she knew she was an adult and needed to stop this.

"I'm pregnant," Gwen shouted. "And…the father cheated on me with another woman…and I don't know where he is."

The three adults calmed down and stared at Gwen.

***

Ben recognized his house, it had been less than a year since he left it for good, and at least so he thought. The man could never have imagined himself back. Back in this state, town, house. Ben did get an invite and maybe he could make the best of it. He walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell. His stomach tied itself in knots as footsteps approached the door.

Natalie Howe, Ben's mother, appeared from behind the door. Time froze for a moment. Everything stood still. Ben couldn't breathe he was so nervous. His heart skipped beats and his mom froze. It was something that neither of them expected.

"Benny," Natalie lunged at her son and hugged him. She held him tight and her grip was stronger than ever before. She was afraid if she let go Ben would disappear forever. "I am so glad you came."

"Yeah, good," Ben wasn't sure if he was glad that he came yet.

"Come inside, come inside." Natalie tugged at Ben's coat and helped him take it off. The house was warm and smelt of honey glazed ham - Natalie's Christmas specialty. She wore a festive holiday apron over her cashmere outfit.

"There are some presents for you. I got some…just in case, let me run into the room and grab them." Natalie hurried down the hallway to her bedroom.

Ben knew she hid all the Christmas presents in the closet. He walked into the family room, which connected with the entranceway through an open arch. The blue cushioned couch sat two people: Nana Howe; Ben's grandmother, and Douglas Howe; his father.

Nana Howe looked up from her knitting and a large smile from ear to ear appeared.

"Ben!" She exploded. "I knitted you a scarf but Douglas refused to send it. Did you get it? It might be in England, if Natalie sent it. She picks my stuff up and I don't know what she does it with." Nana Howe gabbed. "Oh come over here and give grandma a kiss."

Ben loved his grandmother; she was always the sweetest to him. She pampered him and he loved it. Ben hurried over to his grandma and hugged her. The smell of her lilac perfume filled his nostrils and brought back memories of childhood.

"Douglas, Ben is here. Aren't you going to say hi?" Nana Howe asked her son.

"Ben, I found your gifts. There are only two, I hope you don't mind." Natalie came to the archway into the family room. She held two well wrapped presents: One in reindeer and the other in silver metallic snowflake wrapping paper.

Ben turned to Douglas, his father, and stared at the man. Douglas stood up without acknowledging his son and left the room. His father ignored him, acted like he didn't even exist. Natalie frowned at her son, feeling his grief.

"Your father," Natalie gulped and placed the gifts on a matching blue armchair. "He…"

"He doesn't approve that I'm a queer, right?" Ben answered for his mother and shook his head. His eyes became teary at the thought of his father hating him so much. Douglas didn't even say hello to him. It had been over half a year since they spoken.

"What is queer?" Nana Howe questioned looking from Natalie to Ben.

***

Colby pulled off the highway and into a rest stop. She passed a few gas stations and most of them were closed. This was the only open one for miles. She wanted to fill the car up knowing that it would close early today.

"I still don't see why I need to do this." Hilary got out of the car.

"You have a problem; we are helping you control it." Colby answered. She walked into the station and threw twenty dollars down on the counter. The girl returned to the car and pulled out the pump.

"I do so much for you." Hilary preached. "I cook, I clean, and I stopped drinking even the littlest things…for you."

"This is for you." Colby spoke topping off her car than putting the pump back. She faced her mother.

"What do you mean? I am going to Riverside because you want me too. I am throwing away my Christmas for you Colby. I have sacrificed my whole life to please you." Hilary indicated. "Your Wizard of Oz play in elementary school; your music recital in middle school; and let's not forget your high school prom which I chaperoned."

"Are you that delusional," Colby's teary eyes focused on Hilary. She walked up to her mom.

"What? Delusional with love for you?" Hilary complained. Her head still pained with a hangover.

"You smelt of alcohol that night after my play; you had too many glasses of wine at my music recital; and worst of all you borrowed beer from the kids that snuck it in at prom. I watched you embarrass me time after time because you had just a little too much to drink." Colby cried and shook her head.

"You like this don't you. You like to make me feel bad for being a good mother."

"Good mothers don't drink themselves to sleep every night. Good mothers don't hide vodka in the closet." Colby shouted and stomped her foot.

"Stop throwing a tantrum. I am going to the clinic; I am doing this for you." Hilary recapitulated throwing her hands into the air.

"No, you need to go to this clinic for yourself. You need to do it for yourself mom or you will never get better." The daughter clamored as her father stepped out of the car.

"Then let's just go home, because I am certainly not doing this for myself. I am fine." Hilary answered and turned to her husband who gave her a criticizing look. "What?"

"Fine," Colby said through gritted teeth. "We will go back, but when we do I will take the first plane back to England and you will never hear from me again. I will need to cut you from my life."

"Aren't you being too melodramatic?" Hilary chided raising an accusing eyebrow at her daughter.

"No, I cannot live my life with an alcoholic any longer. I can't worry about you night and day mom. I can't go to bed at night wondering if you are safe." Colby explained. "I can't mommy, I can't." Colby cried.

Hilary looked at her husband and daughter. They were both so hurt by her action. What hit the woman's heartstring the most was the fact that she couldn't see it. She couldn't see why she hurt them so. She knew why, but she couldn't see it. Hilary felt now more than ever, if she was an addict, it was time to quit or she would lose her daughter.

"Let's go…to Riverside." Hilary announced.

***

Gwen sat on the couch in her living room/kitchen. Her mother, stepmother, and father gathered around her. They focused on the girl. For the longest time the three were quiet. They insisted that Gwen drink lots of water as if it was a miracle cure.

"Okay, I lied, I'm not pregnant." Gwen revealed. "I just needed you all to stop fighting." She leaned back into the cushion ready for whatever came her way.

"Lying about human life isn't a funny thing," The stepmother chastised. "You can't just pretend you're pregnant. There are actually people in this world that can't get pregnant or…"

"Stop trying to teach my daughter." The mother fought. "What morals do you have that could possibly help her."

"Don't you give her a hard time? You gave up your right as a mother a long time ago." The father scolded his ex-wife. He shook his finger at her and they all started up again in the bickering.

"Stop it," Gwen shouted. "Or I am going to get an abortion,"

The room grew quiet over this serious subject matter. "But you don't have a baby? You're not pregnant." Gwen's mother sounded in.

"Yes, I know, I'm not…but you guys need to stop arguing. It's sad that it takes so much to make you all be quiet for a moment." Gwen explained. She leaned forward and kept eye contact on whomever she spoke to.

"We argue, not everyone can agree on everything Gwen." Her father explained. "You're an adult, you know that." He let out a sigh, disappointed at the situation.

"I know, but it's Christmas…I mean, doesn't that stand for anything." Gwen couldn't believe she just said that. She decided to go at it from a different angle. "You are still raising a child. All of you are raising a child. This is not an environment for anyone to grow up in." Gwen enunciated and tucked some hair behind her ears.

"Do you want us to be superficial? Pretend everything is fine when it isn't." The stepmother retorted. "Lies don't raise children."

"I'm not asking you to lie. I am asking you to bite your tongues once in a while and talk things out." Gwen begged. "For the sake of Gail,"

The three adults looked at each other.

"We will try," The father and the two women nodded.

"What the hell?" Gail entered from the hallway. "Why is everyone talking about me?" She noticed Gwen stand up from the couch. Gail snarled. "Oh, I get it; saintly Gwen wanted everyone to discuss the troubled child." Gail snipped and hurried out of the house.

The front door slammed and Gwen ran for it. "I will talk to her," Gwen ran out the front after her sister.

***

Bathed in an orange glow, the town of Cobalt, California experienced a beautiful sunset that Christmas night. A few clouds blew in from the west and cold followed it. The houses turned on their rainbow colored lights and finished preparing their feasts. The town became silent in preparation and children placed their new toys away and cleaned up for dinner.

Ben stood outside the closed door to his parent's room. He breathed heavily and stared at the door knob. He didn't know if he could open it. Natalie stood next to her son, explaining the past months.

"You see, he took it really hard. Your father loves you and that's why he is mad." Natalie communicated smoothing the wrinkles in her apron. "Don't expect anything that drastic okay?"

The son looked at his mother, his confidant in this whole ordeal. She became such a different woman since their argument in England. In a way he regretted not talking to her since then, not witnessing the change first hand.

"Ben, you are not queer. I think you are a very normal person." Nana Howe answered hunched over behind her daughter-in-law. The old woman was still confused.

"Grandma, that isn't…I'm gay. G-A-Y…I like men. I fantasize about men. I sleep with men. I am gay." Ben watched his grandmother's mouth dropped and couldn't take it. He opened the door and burst into his parent's room.

His father, Douglas, sat on the bed and gazed at the wall. Ben sat next to his dad and they both stared at the wall for a minute.

"I did not give birth to a fag." Douglas whispered. "I didn't raise a fag."

"You think I chose this…I was born this way, dad," The word 'dad' felt awkward in Ben's mouth.

"I didn't mess up as a father; I raised you to like women. Not to like men." Douglas whispered then continued staring at the wall.

"Dad, you think I chose to be like this? You think I chose to be born like this. I had to analyze some of my mannerisms and hide them in high school to avoid being picked on." Ben explained. "I hid who I was for the longest time. Now that I am out, you can't even be happy for me."

"Hide it," Douglas ordered, raising his voice "Hide it again…and you can stay."

"You don't get it do you. Fine, disown me, I'm not your son and you're not my father. Do we really want to live like that?" Ben shouted. He wanted his dad to see more than anything that Ben was still Ben.

"Get out of my house." Douglas shouted. The door to the room burst open and in walked Nana Howe.

Nana Howe walked over to her son and with an arthritic ridden hand slapped him across the face. She stared her son down and frowned at him, more wrinkles appeared around her mouth.

"Ben is not a fag…he is gay…and moreover, he is your son." Nana Howe made it clear to her son that his was how the world was. "We didn't disown you when you made choices your father, bless his soul, and I disagreed with." Her eyes motioned towards Natalie.

"Mom, you don't understand," Douglas tried to explain to the elderly woman.

"I have been on this world longer than you Douglas," Nana Howe shouted. "Don't you dare tell your mother she doesn't understand. I know that I am old and I don't have much time left. Plus, with Natalie's cholesterol and Tyler not speaking to you…I…I worry about you Douglas." Nana bellowed her gray hair bouncing as she spoke.

"What do you mean?" Douglas questioned his mom's point.

"I mean you are going to lose everyone and Ben will be all you have left." Nana Howe looked at Douglas for a moment noticing the realization in his face. "Children don't always live how their parents want them to. When you take into account everything in Ben's life…I don't think it really matters who he bangs at night." Nana Howe looked at Ben and winked, needless to say, this made Ben uncomfortable.

Douglas turned to his son and for the first time looked him in the eye. He smiled and embraced his son. Ben's family finally accepted him for who he was.

***

Gwen grabbed Gail's arm and dragged her sister to a stop. The night consumed the town of Cobalt and Christmas lights glowed bright. Families gathered around to say grace in their warm homes and Gail felt chills run up her arm from the cold.

"What are you doing? You can't just run away?" Gwen shouted. She panted; her breath could be seen in the night air.

"You ran away? Why can't I?" Gail protested. The sister pulled her arm away from Gwen's grip.

"No I," Gwen couldn't finish her sentence because Gail interjected with a shout.

"Yes, you did. You ran off to England and left me with them. I was stuck here, in that house, by myself. You abandoned me." Gail screamed and flung her arms out.

"Gail…" Gwen noticed tears begin to slide down her sisters pail white cheeks. "Gail, I'm sorry. It wasn't that bad before I left." Gwen sat down on the sidewalk. She felt the cold embrace her with a small gust of wind.

"That's because we were together. We had each other." Gail wiped the tears from her eyes. "You can't just apologize, it doesn't work like that," Gail moved a piece of hair away from her face.

"I know it's hard to deal with them. Our whole lives we have had each other, then I went to college…then England…I left you." Gwen blinked back her tears and felt her sister sit next to her.

Gail held Gwen's hand; both of their fingers were ice cold.

"If you want me to stay here," Gwen turned to her sister and looked earnestly into Gail's eyes.

Gail looked at the street before her. "I couldn't ask you to do that. I just want you to keep in touch, ya know. I want to be able to vent about them to someone who knows them not to my friends who have no idea."

Gwen nodded and smiled. Gail put her head on Gwen's shoulder and the two sisters sat in silence.

A small flurry fell down and landed on the ground before them. Both of the girls looked shocked. The last recorded snow in Cobalt was years ago. They knew that this snow wouldn't be enough to give them a white Christmas but, it would be enough to distract them from Christmas.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,

Let your heart be light

From now on,

Our troubles will be out of sight.

Colby finished hanging holly around Hilary's room at the Riverside Recovery Clinic. She turned to see her mother and father holding hands on the bed. Colby smiled and walked over to the suitcase. She unzipped it and pulled out some wrapped gifts. Colby came to her mother's side and handed her a gift wrapped in bright orange paper.

"Here, mom, Merry Christmas." Colby couldn't contain her joy.

"Colby, you didn't have to." Hilary looked at the thin rectangular package in her hands.

"It wouldn't be Christmas if I didn't." Colby sat on the other side of Hilary. "Go on, open it."

"Yes maim," Hilary ripped the paper around the gift. Her mouth dropped at the picture frame with a picture of the three of them inside. It was of Colby's sixteenth birthday and the three were on the couch smiling.

"You were clean then…" Colby announced.

"I remember," Hilary hung an arm around her daughter's shoulder. "I hope to take many more pictures like this."

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,

Make the Yule-tide gay,

From now on,

Our troubles will be miles away.

Gwen opened the front door and led Gail into the warm house. Her parents and the stepmother filtered into the entranceway and hugged Gail, apologizing. Each one explained how sorry they were and that they would try to improve.

Gail turned to her sister and looked at Gwen.

"You know, I never wished you a Merry Christmas," Gail recalled leading her sister into the kitchen.

Five microwave dinners steamed around the table and the prime rib could be seen in the trash.

"We are going to sit through this meal like a family," The father announced and sat at the head of the table. He stared down at the macaroni and cheese before him. "Thank you," he focused on his ex-wife, "for this wonderful meal."

"Well, I couldn't have prepared this meal if it wasn't for your help." Gwen's mother commented.

The stepmother blushed and sat down at the table.

"You know," Gail noted digging into her fish sticks. "This is the best Christmas dinner I think I ever had."

Here we are as in olden days,

Happy golden days of yore.

Faithful friends who are dear to us

Gather near to us once more.

Douglas stood at the head of the table. A large honey glazed ham drifted it's sent throughout the room. Ben's stomach rumbled and he waited for Douglas to finish grace. Every year Christmas was celebrated the same way in the Howe household. Douglas would say grace then cut the meat for everyone.

"Amen," Douglas said he stood up.

"Wow this all looks so good I don't know where to start." Nana Howe licked her lips at the glowing ham.

Douglas stopped and turned to Ben, "Why don't you cut the ham this year."

Ben was shocked; his father never let anyone cut the meat in his house. It was tradition. Ben stood up and took the knife from his dad's hand. His hand shook but he steadied it for the cut.

Through the Years

We all will be together,

If the Fates allow

Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.

And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

***

Colby's house was warm now; she leaned against the front door. She dredged lugging all these suitcases back to their apartment in London. Gwen came from around the corner with her sister close behind. Ben was outside with his parents waiting for the cab.

"How is your mom doing?" Gwen balanced her weight on one foot.

"She is doing better, finally," Colby noticed the reflection of light and knew the cab was here.

Colby's dad came out from the kitchen and walked his daughter out to the yellow car. Gail followed the three but stayed closer to Gwen.

"You promise you will keep in touch?" Gail interrogated. She watched Gwen lift her suitcase into the truck of the cab.

"I promise," Gwen replied. "Everyone ready,"

Ben nodded and kissed his mom and Nana goodbye then hugged his father. He hurried around to the other side and slid into the cab's back seat.

Colby and Gwen squeezed inside the cab and shut the doors. They waved goodbye to their families and felt the car turn onto another street towards San Francisco. Their visit to America ended and they would return to their apartment in England.

"Oh crap," Ben muttered, remembering.

"Did you forget something back at your house?" Colby leaned forward.

"No," Ben peered down at his lap. "Not that, I just…I think I know who that guy I told you about was. Remember, the guy that knew me at the gym – Nathan. I think he is the guy I slept with that night I had my little…mental breakdown."

***

Why do we stick with our families even though they frustrate us so? Is it because they provide large meals for us to gorge, a love we know will never disappear, or faith in us as individuals. In the end, we don't get to choose our families; we are born and stuck with them. I mean, why not make the best out of a bad situation, why not turn it into something worth living for?

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