Array
(
[text] =>

Chapter 10 – Getting Messy

As a child my mother always told me, "Ben, don't make such a mess of you." To one extend she had a point, why make a mess? I think I saw the fun in it: baking a cake and getting flour and dough on my hands; water gun fights and dripping in my bed room; and, of course, jumping in piles of leaves. I never really had a problem getting down and dirty and the fun part about being an adult is there are all kinds of ways to do it.

***

"I have had this dream," Ben admitted lying back in the comfortable couch. He sat in his therapist's office which was on the fifth floor of a tall building.

"A dream?" The woman said sounding confused.

"Yes, a dream, a reoccurring one." Ben certified staring up at the chandelier which hung from the ceiling. The woman's office looked unbelievably fashionable for the business that was conducted in it.

"Tell me about it." She insisted leaning forward in her chair clutching her clipboard. She made it clear that the clipboard would disappear after the first few meetings; she only needed a few notes to get to know Ben.

"Okay, I am on the floor – naked and there are all these rose pedals around me. I am staring up and I see Michelangelo's The Creation of Adam on the ceiling. I am just laying there looking at the painting and it get's blurry,"

"The painting?" She questioned.

"No, everything, except the painting…the faces are different though, I can't recognize them…but I just know they aren't right. The people in the painting aren't reaching for each other either. They are reaching for me."

"Are you at all frightened?"" She asked.

"Yes, but not because of them, more of what will happen when they reach me. It's weird, because the figures themselves don't scare me." Ben sat up and stared at her. "Is this making any sense?"

"I'm sure it is to someone," She chortled. "Could this have any relation to Seth and Peter?"

"Why would I be dreaming about them?" Ben sputtered nervous at the mention of their names.

"You tell me," She raised an eyebrow.

***

Ben entered the apartment and at once was shot questions at by Colby. "You don't need to see a shrink." Colby blurted out. "You're fine, why don't you feel like you can talk to us about your problems."

"Colby, it's not that big of a deal." Gwen stated. "I saw one in high school. It's just a peaceful nice experience. It's like; you know they will keep your secrets." Gwen explained busing herself cleaning the apartment.

"Well, I don't see why you can't share your problems with us." Colby frowned and crossed her arms. "Here let me help," She started stacking some of their DVD's in neater piles.

"Wow, we all have today off don't we? Tomorrow too?" Gwen mentioned noticing that it was almost lunch time and none of them had left the apartment. "Or are both of you just being lazy asses today."

"Oh Gwen, always a critical Cassie aren't you." Ben chuckled collapsing on the couch.

"Are you joking?" Gwen said placing her hands on her hips. "You are such a girl, we are cleaning and you just sit down and relax."

"Yeah you lazy boy," Colby said tossing a pillow which had been on the floor day at Ben.

He caught it and looked at his two friends. "Okay, so we are cleaning, then what? We should plan something."

"Or maybe we can just sit around the house in all our glamour and roll around in our money. I feel like our idea of hitting fame when we came to London went down the crapper." Gwen shrugged walking to the kitchen and wetting a paper towel to dust some furniture.

"Oh that reminds me," Colby dashed into her room leaving the pile of DVD's half finished. Colby came back a second later with her hands hid behind her back.

"Oh crap she has a gun," Ben laughed as he stood up.

"Better," Colby pulled out six tickets. "My boss gave me these. She said bring my friends, and since there are three of us I thought we can each bring a date."

"Oh…a triple date," Gwen rolled her eyes. "At the theater, yeah that's just what I want my date watching someone else."

"Well, give him an excuse to watch you, we can dress all fancy," Colby approached Ben and tugged on his shirt. "A nice dress shirt and sports jacket," She slid two tickets into his hand.

"Great, two tickets…Peter…or Seth." Ben frowned.

"Yeah two, one for Peter and one for Seth…oh, wait, that doesn't work does it." Colby stated looking at the two tickets in Ben's hand.

"Yeah, two doesn't work…" Ben stared down at the tickets.

***

Colby exited the store and stepped out into the chilled afternoon air. It was one of those afternoons when the clouds cast a blue glow across everything. Faces are made white and cheeks red with cold.

"You need to decide who you are going to invite." Colby insisted.

"Oh, now that you said that I have just figured it out. Thanks for all your help." Ben rolled his eyes as he headed for the bus stop.

"I have an idea, how about I am Seth and Colby is Peter." Gwen stated her eyes trailing down the street at the bus stuck in traffic.

"Oh Ben," Colby said in a mock British accent, she was fairly decent with it. "You must pick me. I am such a good ol' boy taking care of my father and younger sister."

"No Ben," Gwen said rubbing against the man's side. "Pick me; coo coo kachoo. Cha man, I am wild and fun and just the sweetest guy too." Gwen placed her surfer accent in.

"Oi think you're a tough bloke, then." Colby grunted out and patted her chest in a macho way. "Take me on, then," She still had that British accent but it was getting sloppy now.

"Just chill man, be in peace with the earth." Gwen said holding up a peace sign.

"Peter is not a soccer…hooligan and Seth isn't a hippy," Ben said as the bus slid to a stop.

"It's called football mate," Colby added her English accent disappeared into her laughter.

"I was a dead on Seth, I must admit," Gwen joked as the three of them stepped onto the bus.

The bottom was full so they went to the narrow staircase as the bus jolted forward. By now, the three had grown accustom to the jolt and had their hands were firmly on the railing. They pulled themselves to the top and Gwen and Colby dashed into the one empty seat.

"Guess you have to sit alone Ben, gives you time to contemplate." Gwen stated as she dug into her purse for some gum.

"Right," Ben looked and sat next to a fiery red head who stared out the window.

It only took a second for Ben to realize what a mistake this seating choice was.

"Oh, Ben right," Jeremy said turning his head to face the other man. "Or should I just call you the little tramp that could."

"Okay, I deserved that," Ben said in response. "Listen,"

"Why should I, I feel like anything you say…" Jeremy got cut off.

"I'm sorry okay, I'm sorry that I made those assumptions about who you were or who you are as a person. To be quite frank, I work so hard to hide any gay mannerisms. I can only imagine how hard it was for you." Ben said his words thoughtful and sincere.

Jeremy was taken aback by this. He had already established Ben as someone to hate. This thought was put into his mind that day at Seth's door, when he discovered his boyfriend was cheating on him.

"It was hard," Jeremy stated and let out a sigh. He didn't like to dwell on high school. "Are you still fucking Seth," Jeremy asked his eyes wide.

"Actually, no, I haven't slept with him yet." Ben informed, he felt the stranger's question was too direct, but also felt it wasn't his place to deny the ex any information.

"Right, course," Jeremy shook his head, shaking away old memories. "I'm not the type of person to take pain. I bite my lip and get through it, I move past it, and I kicked Seth to the curb. I hope you did the same."

"I didn't, I couldn't, and it would be hypocritical for me to." Ben said as the bus slowed down to stop.

"What?" Jeremy paused contemplating the words. "Oh, wow, you're just like Seth. You think you can just cheat on whomever and that it will turn out all right in the end." Jeremy stood up and eased past Ben. He gave him one last chastising glare and walked down the steps to exit the bus.

Ben waited for a moment and jumped out of his seat following Jeremy down the stairs. Colby noticed him walk by and pinched Gwen as they stood up. By the time they climbed down the stairs the bus started and Ben disappeared into a crowd of pedestrians.

***

Ben felt his phone vibrate in his jacket pocket but did not respond to the shaking call. He was intent on following Jeremy, who stepped inside a coffeehouse.

"Jeremy," Ben said.

The man turned around and jumped. "What the hell are you doing, following me? Oh please don't tell me you are the type of guy who need's the last word."

"No, I mean, yes, I am following you." Ben paused and realized how awkward his statement was. "Not in a stalker I'm-going-to-murder-you kind of way," Ben's heart skipped a beat, this wasn't good.

"That just reassures me so much," Jeremy stood in silence and looked over his shoulder. If this guy was so determined he might as well make him useful. "If you want to talk, buy me a cup of coffee."

Ben agreed and walked to the counter and ordered a single cup. He came to a table, by the window, where Jeremy sat eyeing people walk past. The man avoided eye contact but snatched his coffee.

"I couldn't imagine what you would want to talk about," A smirk appeared on Jeremy's face. "I could guess it rhymes with meth."

"Did you really love him?" Ben asked leaning forward.

Jeremy sat up straighter his posture now eerily perfect. "I loved him more than anything, but I guess I should thank you."

"Why?" Ben questioned.

"I think I put Seth on this pedestal," Jeremy avoided Ben's second question. "Where I imagined him to be this perfect guy, he was too, perfect, just…not for me, not perfect for me." Jeremy added as an afterthought. "I guess he is for you or you for him…I don't really care."

"I did the same thing," Ben mused. "I put him on this pedestal too. Damn that pedestal." Ben laughed.

Jeremy let a smile break through his lips but concealed it. "I love talking to you, believe me I do," Jeremy said a blatant sarcastic air about him. "I need to go and please don't follow me this time."

Ben felt his phone vibrate again and knew it was Colby once more. "Jeremy, can we be friends, because I don't know how I would feel if I knew there was someone like you hating me out there."

"Hah, you're joking right?" Jeremy chuckled. "No, we cannot be friends," He looked at Ben's dejected face. Without a goodbye the red-head left the coffee house.

Ben's phone vibrated one more and Ben took it out of his pocket, "Okay, okay," He flipped it open and talking to panicked Colby.

***

Ben squeezed his eyes shut rubbing them gently. He sat in the apartment as the afternoon dragged on. Colby and Gwen were doing each other's nails and Colby had way too much fun with the whole process.

"Don't touch them," Colby urged as she held down Gwen's hand. "Ben, you need to call your dates,"

"Dates, you mean date," Ben replied with a shrug showing his frustration at the situation.

"Didn't I tell you, oh you spazzed and ran off the bus like a girl, didn't you. Howard can't go, he is busy tonight. We have an extra ticket; we can invite both of them. Which brings up the point of why should I get dressed up." Gwen pulled back her hand.

"Because it is fun," Colby forced Gwen's hand back down. "We are going to have a super fun night tonight."

Ben and Gwen's eyes turned to an unopened bottle of wine on the counter.

"Without alcohol," Colby forced. "I heard this play was really good too,"

"I'll get the flask, looks like we'll need it." Gwen whispered to Ben, knowing that Colby would overhear.

"Yeah, with both Peter and Seth there I will need it." Ben replied as he picked up the phone and called both his guys up, informing them of the plan, who would be there, and that they should dress in formalwear.

***

Gwen waited outside the theater and took a swig from her flask sliding it inside her breast. Her hair was let down and beautiful ringlets fell down her shoulders. She wore a shimmering black dress and strap on high heals.

Colby wore a longer burgundy dress with pearls and matching lipstick.

Ben fit in a dress shirt and comfortable black sports jacket with black dress slacks.

"There is my rose," Barkley walked up and handed Colby a bouquet of roses. "Oh Ben, how are you tonight."

"Fine sir," Ben turned to Gwen who held out his flask for him to take a gulp. He completely forgot his boss was dating his roommate.

Ben turned and spotted Seth heading from one direction, looking handsome with his long hair slicked back and in a dark blue suit. He looked away from Seth only to see Peter heading from the other direction wearing a black suit with white dress shirt peaking out.

Ben lifted the flask to his lips and noticed Colby rip it away from his hands.

"You two, not tonight, we are going to have sober fun." Colby stated pointing an accusing figure at the two.

Ben and Gwen exchanged exhausted looks. It would definitely be a sobering night.

"Colby," A gruff cigarette voice shouted. An old woman with her hair pulled up in a green eveningwear outfit exited the theater.

"Oh crap, I didn't think…" Colby downed some of the flask and handed it back to Gwen. She then turned to the old woman. "Ms. Bergman," She said in a large superficial smile.

"Why are you dressed like a prostitute, I smell alcohol on your breath, oh gosh it's like when you come to work." The woman said stopping. "Do you not want to hug me?"

"Of course," Colby opened her arms and hugged the old woman.

"Won't you introduce me to your friends, or am I not that important." Ms. Bergman stated looking up at all the people. She wasn't a tall woman and wrinkles seemed to consume her whole body.

"Of course, this is Ms. Bergman, my boss and the woman who gave us these wonderful tickets tonight." Colby introduced.

"Well…" Ms. Bergman tried to say something but Colby interrupted her leading the woman into the theater.

"We better find our seats; we don't want the show to start and to have to wait." Colby insisted.

Peter and Seth held back.

"I guess I should introduce you two," Ben stated realizing the two never officially met. "Seth, this is Peter, Peter this is Seth." The awkwardness was apparent.

"Forgive me, but I'm not exactly sure how to act," Peter came out and said.

"Neither am I," Seth nodded, staring at Peter. Seth wouldn't admit it, but he was flexing his muscles.

The bell rang notifying people the play would be starting shortly. Ben walked up the steps just as one of the guys shut the main doors.

"Here let me get that for you," Seth said reaching for the handle with a flexed arm opening it for Ben.

"Thanks," Ben said noticing the tanned bicep.

"Yeah, we best find our seats," Peter followed close behind Ben and reached forward grabbing his hand.

Seth bit his lip and hurried inside.

"Pete, you're here too?" Barkley, both Peter and Ben's boss, said. "That's interesting," Barkley lowered his eyes at Peter's hand entangled with Ben's, "Why are you two…" Their boss's eyes became to large saucers. "Umm, are you two?"

"Dating," Seth interrupted. "No, not while I'm here," Seth grabbed Ben's other hand.

"Hurry up the show is going to start, get your fag asses in here." Ms. Bergman shouted across the lobby.

Ben broke away from both the guys red faced an embarrassed as he walked into the theater. He needed alcohol and lots of it.

***

Intermission drew the crowds outside the theater into cold misty night air. The surrounding was fuzzy. Ben stepped near a streetlamp and stood in its yellow glow. He couldn't enjoy the play; Seth and Peter were on either side of him. Ben was too distracted until his mind went blank and filled with a single question. The question was a fly going away long enough to make Ben think it was gone.

"Penny for your thoughts," Seth said his crystal blue eyes sparkling in the mist.

"What's on your mind?" Peter came into view his milky skin turned whiter with the cold.

"Nothing," Ben lied and covered it with a smile. "Just tired,"

"After, if you want, you can come back to my place. My roommate is out with her fiancé for the night." Seth offered.

Peter looked at Seth and frowned. "I can't offer an empty house, but I wouldn't mind sleeping on the couch if you came over." Peter tried to bargain with Ben.

"Offer the couch? With me, you won't need blankets to keep you warm." Seth chuckled only slightly stabbing Peter in the side.

Peter wasn't sure how he could compete with this rock hard abs guy. He looked at Ben pleading him to choose. "If you want me by your side, I would be there." Peter said.

Seth wasn't sure what Ben saw in this other guy, maybe it was the accent, whatever it was Seth knew he couldn't compete. "I would be there, no matter what." Seth said.

Ben let out a laugh and his eyes swelled with tears, he couldn't take this anymore. "No," He whispered, turned and started down the street. He broke out into a run his black dress shoes slapping the pavement.

Colby noticed Seth and Peter take off after Ben and turned to Gwen, panicked. Colby began to follow him but Gwen grabbed her arm. Their dresses fluttered in a gust of wind, which pulled them towards Ben.

"We should stay out of this," Gwen said in a calm but stern voice.

Colby replied with an understanding sigh and turned back to Barkley and Ms. Bergman. She turned her head to Gwen trying to think of something to say. She wanted to shout at Gwen for holding her back but knew that, in the end, her friend was right. This was Ben's thing.

"You're right," Colby paused. "He does run like a girl."

Ben continued running further into the city, he crossed over a bridge and stopped leaning over the railing. His head spun with dizziness and he closed his eyes for a moment. A hand gripped his elbow, Seth, Seth was faster.

"Ben, what's wrong?" Seth questioned worry across his face.

Peter caught up, panting, and looked at Ben not needing words to express his concern.

"This is wrong," Ben yanked his arm free from Seth's grip. Ben leaned against the railing and felt it creek beneath him. "This is wrong. Why do you guys like me? Why did you guys choose me? Why did you guys come out of the mist and reach me?" Ben held back so many tears he knew his eyes glistened with some.

"Ben, when I'm with you I feel like I can be happy and that it's okay to be. There isn't the drama, the bars, and the random guys who want me for my looks. There is just Ben." Seth said.

Peter caught his breath and stared Ben right in the eye. "You made it okay for me to not be alone Ben, you made that happen. You're Ben, you are Ben, and I can't imagine my world without you."

Ben didn't want this, he didn't want to crash; he didn't want to hurt so many people in the process. He came to England to find love; he found it in all its heartbreaking glory.

"Don't, follow me," Ben muttered turning away and walking off into the fog.

***

Ben couldn't pinpoint where he was but he knew this is where he stood. Ben found a leather bar and drunk himself silly. There was a guy, an unshaven moderately handsome black haired beautiful eyed guy. He was pale, British, and muscular. The alcohol gave him the added effect of a Peter/Seth combination. Ben didn't know though, he didn't know who this guy was. The guy was there, that was all Ben needed to know.

He was soft at first, the stranger, kissing Ben down the neck. It felt sensual and romantic although the beer covered the world in a haze. His arm was draped around Ben's neck and it reassured him that he was safe, a big, muscular hairy arm, which blocked him off from the world.

Once back at the stranger's apartment they collapsed onto a double bed. Ben felt his expensive clothes peel off his body and in the darkness of the room noticed glimpses of white skin that wasn't his own. The stranger had a leathery and alcoholic smell to him as he pushed down harder. Ben felt the warmth of the bed beneath his back and the man touched his skin on his front. It was uncomfortable, but blissful, the escape Ben needed.

Then he felt it, the man push on him, the only way a drunken stranger could push. The flavor wasn't memorable or fantastic, but it was a flavor, something Ben could touch. He rocked back and forth the alcohol and darkness deluding his senses. Each thrust another glimpse at finding answer each touch a step away. As soon as it started, even though it felt like hours, it was done, they were both done. The man kissed Ben a few more times then collapsed next to him, sweaty, tired, and ready to sleep. The act was done, in a way; Ben knew it would be like this.

***

Ben awoke, the window showed shadow and there was no clock in sight. He stumbled out of the bed; his romance for the night passed out and couldn't be woken. Ben didn't want to wake the stranger, he wanted to get out. Ben felt around the room, the smell of too many drinks escaped through his pores and he felt sticky. He groped around the room and found everything but his two socks. Ben exited and noticed a man asleep on the couch and heard groans coming from another room.

He wasn't about to investigate, Ben was disgusted with himself. He opened the door and wobbled down a staircase. He could feel the effects of the beer and vodka and whatever else he had didn't wear off yet. Ben stepped outside and a light rain started moments earlier. Ben reached for his cell phone but didn't want to be seen by his roommates like this.

The man found a seat under a small overhang next to a trash can, he belonged here, near the trash. Ben closed his eyes and sobbed silently to himself. He had fallen so deep, he couldn't take the pressure and now this was his excuse, he backed out. Ben was being watched. He looked up as a figure with an umbrella stood over him and helped him up.

"I thought you said we can't be friends," Ben slurred his words but they were barely coherent.

"Yeah, but," Jeremy said. "I can try not hating you…where do you live?"

"I can't go home like this," Ben sobbed, still blatantly drunk.

"Fine," Jeremy replied, "Don't worry, just focus on walking where I walk."

***

Ben arrived at his place the next morning. Jeremy's cousin and Jeremy took Ben in the night prior. This only made Ben feel worse for what he did to the guy. He arrived back at his flat around ten o' clock. Within only a few knocks Colby answered the door and hugged her friend.

"Are you okay, what's going on? Why weren't you home?" Colby said still a bit shaken.

"I'm…here now," Ben nodded.

"Come on Ben, talk to me, I want to know," Colby focused in her friend's eyes.

Ben looked away down at his shoes; he was too ashamed to tell Colby the story. He couldn't tell her, he didn't want to disappoint his friend.

Colby put her hand on Ben's chin and lifted it so they were eye to eye. "Okay, new rule, Gwen and I take you to your therapist appointments." Colby smiled and turned inside to get Gwen.

***

There are the messes we make intentionally and unintentionally. We fall in the mud and get dirty, it happens. The problem with messes is they are messy. We have to try and clean them up the best way we can. Sometime's it isn't hard to clean the mud off; a simple shower can fix it. But, there is that mud that won't rub away no matter how much soap we use. Maybe, maybe we aren't trying hard enough to get it off because we are afraid to see what's under it.

***

AUTHORS ANALYSIS

Okay, so I have to just point out a few things. Ben had a dream and he discussed this. How the faces were blurry and he didn't want them to get to him. The dream foreshadowed the latter part of the chapter when he was chased by Peter and Seth. Also, on the bridge, there were hints of him falling off. Well, he did fall, not physically but metaphorically, after that scene Ben fell into a dark place and did a very self destructive thing.

Two characters changed through this chapter, Colby and Jeremy.

Colby went from not being able to handle the fact that Ben didn't want to talk to her. This isn't because Ben doesn't like Colby, but as stated when he was sitting on the rain he was embarrassed. Colby accepts Ben's decision to see a Therapist at the end and encourages him by offering to take him.

Jeremy went from the angry boyfriend to someone with more of a heart, or forgiveness. He took Ben in and saw Ben as somewhat an equal. Yeah, that might be a bit extreme to take in pretty much a total stranger, but Jeremy is a nice guy and I hope to go into his personality in future chapters if I get to.

Thanks for reading.

[text_hash] => 57ea9e06
)