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|chapter six: tape five|

"What the fuck man!" Liam clutched his now bleeding nose. To be honest, I was pretty proud of what I just did.

"Go fuck yourself." I know, not the most glamorous of insults but it was the best I could come up with.

I left shortly after I realised that his friends were coming over and it wasn't long before my shoe was shoved up my ass and left there.

I stormed out of the park and just kept walking; I didn't know where I was going but I didn't stop. I blinked back my tears as I crossed the road and signalled for a taxi.

"Where to?" The man asked.

Slapping down ten pounds I mumbled, "As far as this will take me."

He nodded and started to drive leaving me to drown in my own thoughts. The sudden realisation hit me that I could be next on these tapes. I could be the next reason that Louis offed himself and his family moved away. Butterflies erupted in my stomach -and not the good kind; the kind that makes you want to vomit out your intestines and cry in a ball. I suddenly felt the urge to throw my bag out of the car window and risk the whole world knowing. But I couldn't do that.

"Alright..." The car had stopped and I don't know how long I'd been sitting there but by the uncomfortable look on his face, probably quite a while.

"Oh, thanks." I slid out of the car and watched him drive away. The feeling of complete dread washed over me once again and I felt sick to my stomach. That's when I puked. Right in front of a building, in front of people, an old lady and a child.

"Y'all right, sweetie?" A gentle voice purred, rubbing my back. "Why don't you come in?"

I could only nod as the kind woman led me inside of a diner -'Rosie's Diner'. I sat on a stool looking around the almost empty place.

"Friday's are our good days." She said with a wink. "What would you like?"

I scanned the menu and croakily replied, "Chocolate fudge milkshake, please."

"Comin' right up."

I felt for the Walkman that I'd put in my pocket and hastily brought it out. I slipped in the new tape and put the headphones in my ears. The sound of the machinery working made me want to cry.

Hello my children, and welcome to story time with Louis Tomlinson! This next one is all about how to feel like shit cause you've basically just been told that you're not good enough! Written by me, of course, but inspired by Stan Lucas himself.

Oh thank god, it's not me. The butterflies died down and I finally relaxed into my seat.

Now, Stan, I think you know exactly where I'm going with this one. Has any one else guessed it? No? Well, this is about our... relationship!

Relationship? What the hell?

Yes, yes, Stan and I were in a relationship. No, we weren't in love. Any other questions? Good, cause I wanna get this over with.

Now, after Liam had so kindly decided to accept his restraining order and stayed away from me, Stan visited. At first, I was scared -no, terrified. But that all stopped when he kissed me. Like full on notebook kiss. It was raining, yes, but I wasn't about to go in the rain and wet my beautiful clothes -hell no- so it was in my doorway. Anyway, the conversation went like this:

"Stan, w-what are yo-"

Kiss.

"What was that for?"

"I like you, Louis. And as much I don't want to be a fag, I just can't stop thinking about you."

I didn't say anything back cause I was speechless. Literally speechless.

You're not the only one Louis.

After we kissed a bit more you asked me to be your boyfriend. Now trust me, I don't normally say yes until we've gone on a date but I said yes this time. Stupid, I know but I couldn't help but forgive him.

The lady placed a large glass filled to the brim with chocolate milkshake, topped off with whipped cream, caramel and a flake sticking out of it. I thanked her with a simple nod of my head and she walked off with a small smile on her face.

We dated for about two weeks when I said I wanted to come out as his boyfriend. He said no. Just like that; no. Of course, I felt rejected and upset so I tried to break up with him,

"Stan. I think we should break up."

"What? Why?"

"I can only be with someone who isn't afraid to show me off. Who isn't afraid to be themselves."

He then proceeded to tell me that I was being stupid and I should think this over. After I had shouted a little more -don't judge me, I was mad- he told me that he couldn't come out yet. That everyone would hate him and immediately turn on him.

I took a sip of the milkshake. It was good. My phone started to vibrate in my pocket so I paused the tape and answered it.

"Harry, honey, where are you?"

"I'll be home later, mum."

"Oh. Alright sweetie, don't stay out too late ok?"

"Yeah."

You could say I had as much freedom as Dora the Explorer.

Now Stan, don't you think I knew what that felt like? To have everyone turn on you. I mean, c'mon I'm like, the queen at being humiliated. Anyway, to say the least, I felt dirty. Used, worthless, rejected. Why, you ask? Because my own boyfriend was too ashamed to be seen with me. I know, I know, two weeks is nothing but I honestly thought we were gonna last. I mean sure you still bullied me at school to throw people off but once we were alone you were really nice to me. We were going well.

I checked the clock that hung above me. 2 o'clock. I sighed and resumed to sipping at my milkshake. How much was this thing anyway?

Another... I'm gonna say three weeks went on and you started getting distant. Not just at school but even when we were alone. You would flinch when I reached for your hand, you would turn your head when I wanted to kiss you.

I remember that. People used to be really confused when Stan would avoid Louis in the school halls. I would never do that to you Louis.

It hurt. It hurt a lot. More than not wanting to come out.

When I confronted you about it you simply said that you were disgusted with yourself. That you never wanted to be a fag and like dick. You said you didn't want to like me and that you thought that if you stayed away from me for long enough you wouldn't like me anymore. I was expecting you to say something romantic and sweet after that like,

"But I can't stop liking you, Louis. I think I love you."

But this is actually how it went,

"And how did that work out for you, Stan?"

"Pretty well actually."

"What?"

"Yeah, kind of feel embarrassed now. Can't believe I ever liked a boy. Now I know you're a fag though."

Then you laughed. Let me tell you something, Stan. You made me feel the lowest of the low just in that one moment. You made me weak and vulnerable and that was the moment when I made everything final. I was going to kill myself. And there was nothing anyone could do about it.

I played with my straw and swallowed my tears. How could he do that?

"Harry!"

"Hey Zayn." I smiled. He sat down next to me and slung an arm around me.

"What brings you here?" His eyes travelled down to the Walkman that lay on the table and he visibly froze. I chose to ignore it and simply shrugged,

"Nothing." Zayn and I have been friends for a while now and I knew when not to ask him about something.

"Hey, uh, you wanna hang out later?"

"Yeah, sure. Don't see why not. Can't be today though. Kind of busy."

He seemed to relax a little but the tension was still there.

"Yeah, alright. I've gotta go now, date with Perrie but I'll call you later, yeah?"

I nodded but I couldn't help but notice the way he semi-sprinted out of the diner and never looked back.

I switched the tapes and continued to drink the remains of my milkshake while the tape started.

This next one goes out to the new boy who came half way through the year.

Zayn Malik, this one's for you.

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