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You'll probably hate me once you've read this…But it’s not the end so yeah…just a warning. 

Niall’s POV

Idiot. Moron. Stupid. Asshole. Pussy. I hate myself. How could I do this? I’m all those things. That’s all I can ever think about. I’m an idiot because I fell for the lad in the first place. I’m a moron because I let myself get attached. I’m stupid because I opened my door in the first place. I’m an asshole because I broke a young boys heart and I’m a pussy because I just kicked him out without giving anything a try and practically ran away to hide from the guilt I would go through. Everything is just so messed up. Why did I have this stupid sickness? Why couldn't I be normal? But the fact it, I am those things. But more lonely than anything else because, well, I miss Harry. There’s no denying that. I love him so much. I miss him so much.

“Niall? We’re going to the shops for a bit. Will you be okay?” I could only nod as Greg watched me with concern. I haven't spoken since that little talk Greg and Denise had with me two days ago. Theo is constantly trying to get my attention and I feel terrible for not acknowledging him but I just don't want anyone around me anymore. I don't want caring, I don't want loving, I don't want anything. I only want Harry. I can’t bring myself to go find him though. I know seeing him will hurt like hell. Really, I don't want to for my own selfish reasons. “Okay, well we’ll be back soon. Don't do anything stupid”. I just numbly nodded and he hesitantly left. It’s just hard for me. I can’t explain in words how I really feel. I just feel like half of me is missing. 

“I’m half a heart without you”. I tried to sing but it came out as a croaky whisper. Why does it hurt so much? Why did I do this to myself? Why did I let him go? Why why why. That’s all I can ever think about. Why. I don't even know where Harry could be. I have no way of knowing. Harry is ass I will ever need. But he’s gone. It’s like someone ripped my heart out as cut it in half as I watched then shoved only half back in and took the other half away. And there’s no way of me ever getting it back. God that sounds so stupid, but it’s true. I can’t escape this pain no matter how hard I try. 

I was startled when there was a knock on the door and slowly got up. As much as I really didn't want people around, I shouldn't ignore it. As soon as I opened the door I was stunned. How?

“H-how do you keep finding me?” She smirked. 

“Hello Niall”. She stepped in, with me knowing what she could do, and I didn't even try to stop her. “You look like another boy has taken your heart and crushed it. Was it that Harry boy?” I closed the front door and stared at her bag. Does she have the belt? Would she be here to do that? Is she here to hurt me again? I felt my arms getting tugged behind me and tied together. No struggle involved. People would probably think I’m an idiot. Why am I not fighting? Why don't I attack her? But the truth is, I don't want to. I want her to do this. I want her to break my skin. I want to feel that pain again. Maybe it’ll make the rest of the pain disappear. “You ready to have some fun?” She pushed me to the ground and I landed with a thud as she kneeled down and ripped my top off. Yes. I’m ready. Just do it. Please just do it. *whack* I held back the gasp, the tears, the screams. I just stayed quiet as she hit me again. And again. “You’ve been a bad boy Niall”. Again. “You deserve this”. Yes, I do. Again. “You’re so stupid”. Yes I am. Again. “How could you leave me?” I don't know Harry. Again. “We’ve always had fun”. I know. Again. She continued. I stopped myself from making any noise or sign of hurt or pain. As much as it hurt, I don't care. I want this. I deserve this, just like she said, I always deserved this. Every single time she ever did this, I deserved it. Everything is always my fault. I’m always the one that screws things up. When those guys used me, it was my fault. I was too stupid and jumped into something that wasn't even there. I saw things that weren't there. I am the one who broke up with Harry. It’s always all my fault. “I had fun Niall. Maybe I’ll see you again sometime”. She took the ropes this time as she wasn't in as much of a rush and packed her things up, standing. “Bye”. I didn't move. I had no intentions of moving. 

Greg has told me to go and look for a job or just go for a walk or a small holiday but I can bring myself to go outdoors. What if I ran into Louis? Or Liam? Or Zayn? Or even Harry. I couldn't handle it. I feel guilty enough already. I don't need them making me feel even worse, even though I don't think it’s possible to actually feel any worse. This is it. I’m broken. Nothing and no one can fix me. Well, maybe Harry…but he won’t want anything to do with me. No one does. I’m just pathetic. I really should just die. No one even wants me here. 

“Niall? You hungry?” The front door opened as the sound of footsteps filled the house. 

“Uncle Niall we get chicks!” Greg laughed. 

“Theo it’s chicken”. The house went silent. “Niall?” I listened as he walked up the stairs and Theo followed him, but I couldn't make a noise. It wasn't long before I heard them walking back down the stairs and headed my way, “Niall!” Within seconds, Greg was kneeling beside me and Theo began to cry. “Denise get me a wet cloth!”. I felt Greg trace his fingers over the split skin and I flinched. “Niall don't tell me”. I nodded slightly. “Nancy? How did she-”

“I don't know”.

“Why didn't you fight her Ni?” I shrugged and he sighed, taking the cloth from Denise. 

“What happened?”

“Nothing babe, take Theo to the kitchen”. I figured Greg hadn't exactly told Denise everything about our past. I don't know though because he has scars too, or maybe he just hasn't told her that I went through it too. Maybe he doesn't know if I wan her to know. “Let’s get you to the shower”. Greg stood up and pulled me up, wrapping his arm around my shoulder as he led me to the bathroom. “I don't like to see you hurt Niall”. I could hear the pain in his voice. “I wish you tried to fight her. You don't deserve this”. But I do. “I’m sorry I wasn't here” I wish he wouldn't beat himself up about all this. It’s not his fault. It’s mine. I’m the one who did this to myself. I’m always the cause. Greg stripped me down and I stood under the cold water as I gasped from the sharp sting and burn. Greg supported me, stopping me from falling as his clothes got wet. But he didn't seem to be fussed. He was more worried about me it seemed. “Why didn't you try and fight her Niall?” I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath. 

“I love him Greg”. I looked up to him as tears blurred my vision and he looked at me sympathetically, pulling me away from the running water. He wrapped a towel around my waist and pulled me into a soft hug. 

“I know Ni, I know. I’m sorry”.

“I’m sorry for scaring you and Theo”. He ran his fingers through my hair and held me tighter. 

“It’s okay. That doesn't matter”.

“I wish I knew where he was”.

“Niall, I want you to go and look for a job. Think nothing of it but a step forward. Just start working, earn money, make some friends. I promise you it will work out”. I contemplated and nodded hesitantly. Maybe finding a job wont be such a bad idea. 

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idk…you may hate me bc of what I did…but it makes it kinda interesting…right?

NIALLS IN MY FUCKING CITY AND IM LIKE KINDA FREAKING OUT BC HES SO FUCKING NEAR ME BUT IM RESPECTING HIS PRIVACY AND ALL BUT STILL FUCK 

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