Array
(
[text] =>

Niall’s POV

It’s been two months since Harry asked me to just try with him. You could say he’s been living with me. I don’t drive him to school. I don’t pick him up. I feel so bad about that but I just can’t get the strength to go out there. I do feed him and we sleep together. The spooning is the best part. But these past two days he’s been going to Louis’ because he’s having some problems with his boyfriend. It’s around midday now and I’m freaking out. Why you may ask? Well-

“Hey! watch where you're going!” I got shoved to the side and fell on the cold pavement, watching as a stampede of people sped by me. I tried to get up and ran around the nearest corner to a much less busy street and pulled at my hair in frustration. I can’t do this. I can’t. All I was doing was trying to do something nice for Harry and now this. Wait, Harry. I felt around my pockets for my phone and dialled his number with shaky hands.

“Niall I’m at school you kn-“

“Harry” I basically squeaked. 

“What’s wrong Ni?” I could hear the panic in his voice.

“Haz I…I did something stupid….I….I’m lost”.

“Ni, I need you to calm down for me.Where are you? I looked around myself to see nothing that was familiar to me and choked a sob.

“You shouldn’t be here” A gruff man was standing tall and threatening and I shrunk down lower.

“Ni? Who was that?” 

“Harry” I whimpered and I heard him sigh.

“I’ll come get you”. I let out a breath as he hung up. Harry’s coming. He’s going to help me. I cried as the scary man stood tall with his arms crossed across his chest. 

“Niall?” Babe it’s okay” Harry wrapped his arms around me and lifted me, setting me in the back seat of a car. He got in the back with me and kept his arms around me as I cried on his shoulder. I looked up to see Louis looking in the rear-view mirror at me with disappointment. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry”. I lifted my head from Harry’s shoulder and looked up at him. “I’m sorry”

“Shh, it’s going to be okay” He pushed my hair back as I sobbed against his chest.

“I’m scared”.

“I know, shh it’s okay”.

“Harry I”

“I know”. Harry got out the car and I did too, walking to my front door as Harry talked to Louis. I stood with shame and Louis drove off, making me feel scared. Harry walked in and I walked in behind him, following him to the couch and sitting down. I looked up to him with fear and took a shaky breath. 

“I-I don’t know what happened” He sat down next to me and I leant on his chest. “I’m so sorry. I’ve messed up”. He sighed.

“Ni, why didn't you call me earlier?” I clung to his top.

“Please don't leave me. Please Harry. I don't know what I’d do without you. Please don’t"

“Niall stop”

“H-harry” He pushed me lightly and stood up.

“Shut up for a second!” I flinched at his tone and pressed my lips together in a thin line. He paced around the living room and I watched with fear, not knowing what he was going to say. The worst that could happen right now is him leaving me. Without him, I’m nothing. I have nothing. Not one loving or caring person in my life. Without Harry, I would never have come to accept how I truly felt.  I would never have accepted that I was lonely. “I think we should take a break”. It’s like I could literally hear the sound of shattering glass. Like it had been dropped and crushed on the ground or thrown at the wall. “I shouldn’t be dealing with this shit! I have school! I have my final year next year! I can’t be worrying about whether my boyfriend is outside getting lost or not! I don’t deserve this Niall!” I had no strength to fight back. I felt completely numb. But it’s not my fault! I wanted to shout so fucking bad. I don't deserve this either. Do I? I didn't choose this. I didn't just decide to be like this. This wasn't a choice. I know I did the wrong thing, but I didn't choose any of this. “I’ll see you again sometime”.

“I love you” It came out as more of a croak but it stopped him from walking away from me. 

“What?”

“I-I love you”

“That changes nothing”. I stood up in anger.

“That’s Bullshit!” My legs shook slightly.

“what?”

“You heard me! Everything you just said was complete and utter bullshit! I’m sorry I screwed up! Okay? That’s the thing. Sometimes I do stupid things. But do you think I chose to be like this!? Do you think I deserve this!? To wake up alone every morning!? Live in an empty house!? To be so afraid just to step outside my front door that I can’t even do something nice for the person I love without stuffing up!? And then the one thing that actually makes you feel loved and not alone anymore just decides to give up on you!? I know I just stuffed up! Can’t you see I know that!? But you can’t act as if you're the only one here that isn't okay with this. It’s bullshit. And then I tell you I love you and it means nothing to you!? Do you really think that little of me?” My last sentence came out as a whisper. 

“I just….I need some time”. And then he walked away. My knees shook and I fell to the ground, loud sobs racking my body as I curled up on the floor and cried. He actually just left me. He’s gone. I have nothing left. He gave up on me. Just like that. I really screwed up. I forgot what heartbreak feels like.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

“Nialler!” I smiled widely as I looked to Matt. 

“Matty!” He finally stood in front of me and sighed. 

“Look, we need to talk”.

“Uh-oh, that doesn't sound good”. He looked away from me and back to me again. 

“Look, you’ve been great. Last night was great. But I don’t think this is going to work out”

“W-what?”

“I’m sorry Niall”.

“I had sex with you!”

“I know, and it was great. But I don't think I like you th-”

“You used me?”

“I’m sorry”

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

I winced at the memory. That was my first heartbreak. He had told me I meant something to him. I let him take my virginity. He was my first everything. Of course I was stupid and let something along those lines happen again, and again. Maybe thats why I decided to be alone. But Harry. I didn't expect this from Harry. He was different. I don't know why or how. He just was. But now I'm going back to my old ways. After all these situations, I ended up in the bathroom. Welcome back.

Cutting always seemed like a good solution to me. everytime I felt as though I was hurt or  felt as though I was trampled on, I would run back to this. I would sit on the cold tiles with a silver blade in my hand and slide it across my arms. It made me feel relieved. Like it just took all the pain away. I was bullied all through high school. Hit and teased. I didn't have any friends. I was an easy target. So now I'm back here. I’m cutting again. As much as I hate going back to the past, I know it makes me feel a bit better for a while. I like the feeling, and knowing that even if I tried to kill myself, no one would even know. No one could even save me. Because no one cares. I’m not loved. I’m alone. I have no one. But that wont be happening tonight. For all I know, Harry could come back to me. My Harry could come back.

———————————

so….hi…..

I know it’s been a lonnnnnggggg time but I’ve had a lack of motivation. 

anyway hope you're happy with the chapter!

[text_hash] => 9e29782c
)