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Vic

Kellin and I are having a nice dinner until his phone vibrates on the table. We both look down at it and see a message from Jenna.

J: how was the wedding night? ;-)

Kellin's quick to pick up his phone and turn it over, an uncomfortable look replacing the smile that had barely left his face since this morning.

I clear my throat awkwardly which makes Kellin glance up at me.

"What?" he mutters, a little snappily.

"Nothing." I frown.

"No, what?" he asks again seeming frustrated.

I reach across the table and take one of his hands. He seems to relax a little at my touch.

"It's okay that we didn't, you know, on the wedding night. We have a whole honeymoon to do that, heck, we have our whole lives together." I explain.

He frowns and looks away from me.

"I know. But that was the plan, and I don't like when things don't go according to plan." he sighs seeming genuinely stressed out.

"I know, baby. How about a new plan? We just take things at our own pace. If it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't." I suggest.

He takes a deep breath and nods, his smile returning to his face.

"I do want it to happen though." he murmurs.

"I know," I grin. "I do too."

He blushes at my words and looks down at his almost-finished food. I bring his hand to my lips and he giggles, his cheeks somehow flushing even redder.

"You're so beautiful." I whisper.

He pulls his hand from mine so he can cover his face.

"Oh my god, stop. I feel so fucking red." he whines softly.

I just chuckle at his cuteness.

I hope in fifty years time when we've grown old together that I can still make him blush. I hope he never stops loving me, because I surely will never stop loving him.

After a free crème brûlée, courtesy of the restaurant, Kellin and I finally head back to the hotel room for the night.

Kellin informs me that he's going to have a shower so I flop down on the bed and simply wait for him to get out.

He takes longer than I initially expected though so I end up undressing down to my underwear and getting under the covers, ready for bed. I feel as though there might be a decent chance of me actually being able to sleep tonight which has been a rare occurrence over this past year.

After the shower finally shuts off, Kellin's in the bathroom for another ten minutes before he finally joins me.

He climbs into the bed next to me and gives me a loving smile before pecking my lips and rolling onto his back.

I close my eyes ready to sleep, but there's a tension in the air that I just can't place.

I decide to abandon sleep and turn to my husband.

"You okay?" I ask him.

"Yeah." he smiles.

"You took a while in the shower." I point out.

"I was just trying to wind down and relax." he tells me.

"So you're feeling better?" I ask him.

He takes a deep breath in and breathes it out, his shoulders seeming stiff as he does so, leading me to believe he's still stressed.

"Yep." he chirps, either lying or debunking my suspicions.

"Okay," I murmur, kissing his cheek.

He rolls onto his side, facing me as he stares down at my lips. Then he leans in and kisses me. The kiss isn't our usual sweet kiss. It's slow and sensual, and I can sense the intentions behind it.

I kiss him back with the same sensuality, eager to please him. His hands slide up my bare chest, then back down again and I pull him closer by the hips.

He pulls from my lips, his cheeks covered in blush again. He looks down, away from my gaze, but spares me a glance.

"Do you want to...?" he trails off but it doesn't take a genius to know what he's suggesting.

"Oh, yeah, sure." I chirp, but it's halfhearted.

Don't get me wrong, I want to, I really want to, but I feel ambushed again.

Although, maybe I just need to get this over and done with the first time so I'm not so afraid of it.

"Okay." he whispers through a grin as he leans back in to kiss me.

We kiss for a while, slowly escalating things, slowing deepening the kiss, slowly moving our hands lower, until Kellin's hand ends up under my briefs and around my shaft.

He touches me for the first time in over a week ago, and for the second time ever, and the simple pleasure is enough to let me momentarily forget about the tension that still lingers in the air.

"I should, um," I breathe against Kellin's lips. "go get the, uh, the stuff."

"Yeah." he murmurs, immediately removing his hand.

He pecks my lips before I climb out of bed. I feel like I'm under a microscope as I make my way to the bathroom, feeling his eyes on me.

I take a deep breath once I'm out of sight to calm myself. It helps a little, but not as much as I needed it to.

I go into my toiletry bag where I had packed the lubricant and condoms. I take out the small bottle and a singular condom from the already opened box, which I had opened for practice reasons.

I then make my way back to my husband who is no longer under the covers and is staring at the ceiling.

"You okay?" I ask him, just to make sure.

"Yeah," he smiles as I climb back into the bed.

I sit the lube and condom down beside me and rest back down next to Kellin, pulling him closer so I can kiss his neck.

He lets out a shaky breath filled with pleasure instead of nerves, then he climbs on top of me, straddling my hips.

He grins down at me, seeming genuinely excited, as the tension seems to be sucked right out of the room.

He leans down and kisses my chest, slightly lifting his body off of me as he does so. I use the opportunity to slip my hand down to his crotch, gently rubbing him and groping him over the material of his boxers.

I listen to the shaky breaths that leave my husbands lips between the kisses he's littering on my torso.

Kellin soon climbs off of me, seeming ready to take the next step. I move myself between his thighs, kneeling as he lays back on the pillows.

I feel intimidated in the spotlight of his gaze and I can feel the tension begin to reenter the room.

"Should I, um, prep you?" I ask.

He immediately looks unsure, not like he's uneasy, but like he genuinely doesn't know if I should prep him or not.

"I think so." he says but it sounds more like a question than a statement.

He looks to the ceiling again and I feel a little more at ease now that he's no longer staring at me.

"Okay," I breathe, grabbing the silky fabric of his black boxers. "Can I take these off?"

He nods but doesn't look at me. His face his blank but I can tell that he's thinking.

"You okay?" I ask him again.

He smiles and nods.

"Yeah." he repeats.

I take that as the 'all clear' to undress him so I pull his boxers off, leaving him naked.

I take his semi-hard erection into my hand and begin stroking him but it doesn't seem to have the same affect as before so I stop.

I pick up the lube from beside me and pop the cap open.

"I'm just going to start with one finger, okay?" I inform him.

"Okay." he nods in understanding.

I coat three of my fingers in lube and locate Kellin's entrance. I take a deep breath before slowly pushing my index finger inside of him.

He seems uncomfortable as he glances down at me. His discomfort worries me.

"Does that hurt?" I ask, wanting to know how he's feeling.

He frowns.

"A little. Not as much as–"

He cuts himself off and my stomach drops.

I'm almost sure he was about to say something about Carter.

I take my finger out of him and watch as tears fill his eyes. He huffs and covers his face.

"I'm sorry," he croaks out.

"Hey, baby, don't be." I say softly. "Why don't you get dressed?"

He nods but doesn't remove his hands from his over his face.

I get off the bed and slide my briefs back on then I go into the bathroom and quickly wash my hands.

When I return, I find Kellin fully dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed, arms wrapped around himself as he cries.

My heart breaks at the sight.

I go sit next to him and pull him into my arms. He unravels his arms from around himself and wraps them around my neck as he cries into my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he chokes out.

"Baby, please don't be sorry. You have nothing to feel sorry about." I whisper, kissing his forehead.

I allow him to cry for a bit as I rub his back, hoping to soothe him.

"Talk to me." I whisper pleadingly.

"I don't know if I can." he chokes out.

I wipe his cheek with the back of my hand, causing him to look up at me with his saddened eyes.

"What are you afraid of? You know you can trust me." I say softly.

"I don't think I can trust anyone, babe, not after what he did." Kellin whimpers.

I squeeze him tighter to hopefully bring him some form of comfort.

"I'm your husband, Kellin. I would never hurt you. It's okay." I assure him, gently caressing his hot cheek.

He stays silent though.

"In your vows, you promised to lean on me when you're hurting. I want that more than anything, Kells. I miss when we used to tell each other everything." I explain.

"Things are different now." he sniffs.

"I know, but I know that keeping this in is hurting you and I hate seeing you in pain. Do you remember the relief you felt after you told me about what he did?" I ask.

He nods, seeming conflicted.

"I'm still your best friend, love. You don't need to hold these things in. And if you're worried about burdening me, don't. You're not a burden to me."

"Okay," he sighs.

"Okay?" I ask to clarify.

He pulls away from me and nods, wiping his nose with his sleeve. I watch him stand up and walk over to the window. He pulls back the curtain, revealing the the city that's lit up by lights.

It's beautiful, and despite his puffy eyes and his flushed cheeks, Kellin looks breathtaking as his pupils reflect the neon skyline.

He sits on the floor and leans his head against the window, bringing his knees to his chest.

I slide off the bed and onto the floor, but I keep my distance, sensing that he needs space.

"What are you thinking?" I ask him softly.

He looks confused by the question, as if he's not quite sure of its answer.

After a minute of silence, he lifts his head from the window and turns to me.

"Carter broke me, Vic." he whispers.

I flinch at the sound of his name. I don't think I've heard that name aloud since he left.

"He didn't break you, Kells. You're not broken. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you're still you. You still have your good days–"

"Do I, Vic?" he snaps, interrupting me. "Because every day feels like a fucking struggle."

He wipes his eyes again and rests his head back on the window.

I frown, unsure of what to say. I wish I could find the words to make him feel better.

"Kell, I'm sorry." I frown, feeling as though I've let him down.

He looks back and me and sighs.

"No," he says shaking his head. "you don't need to be sorry."

"What can I do, Kells?" I ask just feeling completely useless.

He smiles at me sadly.

"Come here." he murmurs.

I crawl over to him and sit next to him.

"Just hold me." he sniffs.

He leans into me as I wrap my arms around him. His tense body immediately relaxes.

"You're doing so much already. If I didn't have you, there would be no way I could get through this." he murmurs.

"If you didn't have me, you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place." I sigh admittedly.

He frowns and looks up at me.

"You don't really think that, do you?" he asks seeming concerned.

I shrug.

"If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have met him. None of that would have happened." I explain.

"Vic, there was no way you could have known. What happened was not your fault. You didn't know he would rape me, you didn't make him rape me. That was all him." he explains.

"I know," I nod, looking down at my hands. "I just still feel partly responsible though."

Kellin wraps his arms around my neck and kisses my cheek.

"I did too." he admits.

"You did?" I frown, looking back up at him.

He nods.

"I thought maybe I could have fought harder, maybe I could have told someone sooner, maybe I could have left town, at least done something." he explains. "But I eventually realized that I'm not the rapist. And neither are you. Maybe there were some things I could have done, maybe there were some things you could have done, but at the end of the day, Carter could just not rape people."

I know Kellin's right, I do, but my guilt runs deep and I can't shake it.

We fall into a brief silence and then Kellin sighs.

"I'm just so sick of thinking about him. It drives me insane. It's every day and I can't get him out of my head. I want us to make love and him just not even cross my mind, you know?" he whispers. "I want to enjoy this, enjoy us. I want him to stop ruining things for me."

I catch a tear that falls down his cheek with my fingertips and place another kiss on his head.

"I know. I feel the same way. I just hope that one day enough time has past for things to be relatively back to normal." I sigh. "I don't even know if that's possible, maybe these scars run too deep, but I'm hopeful. All I want is for you not to hurt."

Kellin places a gentle, loving kiss on my cheek and links his fingers with mine.

"He's still out there, Vic." Kellin whispers ever so softly. "He ruined my life then he got to leave and go live his. It's not fair."

His words make me feel angry. Carter got absolutely no repercussions for what he did and Kellin suffers every day because of it.

I wish I had fucking killed him that day. I wish he was fucking dead.

"I know, Love." I murmur. "We can only hope that he gets what's coming to him eventually."

Kellin nods then looks up at me with a smile. He places his palm on my cheek, relaxing me a little.

"It's not all bad though. If none of that happened, I don't know if I would have ever gotten you. And you mean everything to me." he murmurs, pecking my lips softly.

I want to argue with that, tell him that he shouldn't give Carter credit for our love, that we would have found each other eventually. But I don't know if it's true. And if Kellin can find a silver lining in all this, then I won't take that away from him.

"You mean everything to me too." I murmur.

He stares out the window for a while seeming strangely content as I run my fingers through his hair.

"I'm sorry we didn't do it tonight, babe. We'll try again another time." he sighs after a while.

"It's fine, darling. Honestly, tonight didn't feel right for me anyway." I admit.

"It didn't?" he asks surprised.

"Nah, you didn't even put on your sex playlist." I joke and Kellin's cheeks go blush red.

"Oh my god." he whispers in embarrassment making me chuckle.

"You're adorable. Why don't we get some sleep, yeah?" I suggest.

"Only if you actually go to sleep. You're starting to get bags under your eyes." Kellin frowns.

"I just have trouble sleeping away from home." I lie.

"Are you sure? You don't sleep much at home either." Kellin points out.

I'm determined not to worry him so I place a gentle kiss on his forehead and tell him I'm fine.

I stand up and help Kellin to his feet before lifting him up and throwing him over my shoulder.

He squeals and giggles as I take him back over to the bed and gently place him down.

I move the condom and lubricant to the nightstand before sliding into bed next to my husband.

He grins at me and kisses me once again.

"Thank you for listening. I actually feel so much better." he admits.

That warms my heart. All I want is for him to be happy.

"Thank you for talking to me. I know it wasn't easy."

Kellin just shifts closer into my arms and closes his eyes. He somehow manages to fall asleep almost instantaneously and I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous.

I'm haunted by Kellin's words as I lay awake. He's still out there.

I wonder what he's doing. I wonder how many more people he's hurt. I wonder if what he did to Kellin ever crosses his mind.

I can't help but to feel that if he wasn't out there then Kellin would be a lot less anxious. Maybe he wouldn't feel so horrible all the time. Maybe he could finally heal.

If I just knew where he was, maybe I could talk to him, convince him to turn himself in. I wonder if he is too much of a monster to even regret his actions.

I carefully reach over Kellin and take my phone from the nightstand. I go to facebook and search for 'Carter Cruz'. No one familiar comes up.

I feel hopeless but then I get an idea.

I open the web browser and tap in 'private investigator'. After looking through a few different websites, I find one that seems legitimate and has a reasonable cost listed.

I find the phone number and look down at my sleeping husband.

Maybe I could actually do it. Maybe I could make all his pain disappear.

-

Thank you for all the love on this story so far!

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