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Vic

My hands clutch the railing as tight as they can but the rain is causing me to lose grip. The blood dripping down my slashed wrists is adding to the slipperiness of the metal. I don't know if I can hold on any longer, and I'm trying. I'm trying so hard despite Kellin's taunts.

"Just fucking jump! What are you waiting for? You don't belong here!" he shouts over the screaming in my head.

I choke out another sob and look down at the water that's violently crashing into the sharp rocks beneath me. I can hear them calling me, telling me to let go.

Suddenly, a hand smacks my back and the impact nearly propels me off the bridge. But I hold on. I glance behind me and see my tio smiling at me. He leans over the railing and looks down at the river below me.

"You didn't do anything, Vic." He says calmly. He was always such a soft-spoken man.

"What?" I ask confused.

"You didn't stop me. You didn't do anything. I would still be alive if you just did something." he tells me. "Why didn't you see I was struggling?"

My stomach twists as a whirlpool opens up in the water below. 

"Jump, Vic! I deserve better than you!" Kellin screams again.

I look back to my tio but he's not my tio anymore. It's Carter, and he has a bullet hole on the side of his head which is pouring out blood all down his face, neck and shoulder.

"Hey," he smiles at me. "Thanks for introducing me to Kellin."

He places his hand over mine and I jerk it away, which causes me to lose my balance. My other hand finally loses grip and I brace myself for the fall but I suddenly have two arms wrapped around my middle, holding me up.

"I've got you." Kellin says in a soft and loving voice. He's no longer yelling at me, and he feels like the only warm thing in this freezing cold weather.

The gashes across my wrists heal before my eyes and it stops raining. Carter's gone, my uncle's gone, and it's just me and Kellin.

"Come home with me." he says softly.

I carefully turn myself around, readying myself to climb safely back over these railings that seem taller than they should. I see the lock that Kellin and I left here that reads:

'Kellin +

Vic Fuentes

Forever

and ever

Always ♡'

I grab onto it and try to use it to pull myself up but it unlatches and breaks and I find myself falling backwards. Kellin reaches for me and I try to grab his hand but just miss it, leaving me to plummet into the icy water below.

I gasp desperately for air as I shoot upward.

"Hey, what is it? What's wrong?" Kellin asks frantically, putting his hand on my chest.

I place my hand over his, which pulls me back into reality. I squeeze his hand, just to double check he's real. When he squeezes back, I realize it was all just a horrible dream. I sigh relieved and lie back down on my pillows, trying to catch my breath.

"What happened?" Kellin asks worried, looking down at me.

"You ever have a dream you're falling?" I sigh, placing my hand on his face. The morning sun lights up his beautiful features, despite his obvious exhaustion.

His eyes fill with sadness and he takes my hand from his cheek. He kisses my knuckles then lays back down next to me, wrapping his arms around me and kissing my jaw.

My heart continues to panic in my chest as I recount as much as I can from yesterday. My nightmare almost became a reality. I nearly killed myself. But Kellin saved me. Then he took me home. And he saw my cuts. Oh god, everything is such a mess.

"Hey," Kellin says softly, rubbing gentle circles on my chest. "Take a deep breath. Try to relax, okay? You're okay." 

I take a deep breath as he instructed and try to calm myself down. I look to him but he's staring out the window at the bright blue sky.

"The sun always shines the hardest after it rains." He murmurs softly.

"Kellin, I'm sorry." I blurt out.

He frowns as he looks to me and then shakes his head.

"You don't need to apologize. I'm just thankful you're here." he whispers.

I let his words turn over in my head and I wonder if I'm thankful that I'm here. But I can't come to a conclusive answer. If I had died yesterday, I wouldn't be here next to Kellin, his arms wouldn't be wrapped around me and I wouldn't be looking at his beautiful sun-soaked face. But everything else is so bad. If I had just gone through with it, my constant pain would finally be gone, my loved-one's wouldn't be burdened by my existence anymore and Kellin wouldn't be giving me such sad eyes. Maybe I should have just jumped.

"Do you want breakfast? A coffee?" Kellin asks softly.

I shake my head, my appetite completely absent.

"What about some water?" he asks.

I nod, forcing a small smile. He returns it then kisses my cheek before rolling out of bed. After that he leaves the room, giving me the chance to relax into my depression. I close my eyes, thinking about the vivid nightmare I just had until Kellin comes back into the room, holding a mug and a glass of water. He places the mug down on his nightstand and hands me the water before he slides back into bed next to me. I take a mouthful then sit the glass down. Kellin enjoys what I assume is a hot chocolate for a few seconds, then he sits it back down.

He seems nervous which is making me nervous. He takes my hand then brings my knuckles up to his lips again. My fingers are cold from the glass of water, but Kellin's warms them instantly. 

"How are you feeling?" he finally speaks.

He looks to me worried which is making me feel guilty all over again.

"I don't know," I shrug, looking away from him. "Numb, I think."

"Okay," he whispers, nodding, seeming unsure of what to say next.

I feel tense and uncomfortable. I don't want to talk about how I'm feeling or really anything for that matter and I don't want Kellin to feel like he has to talk about anything either.

"Look, we don't have to talk about this. You can go back to Jenna's, you don't have to babysit me." I say awkwardly.

I glance back at him, and he's looking at me like I'm insane.

"That's what you think this is? You think I'm here to babysit you?" he says alarmed.

"You said you needed space. You don't want to be here. And I don't want you to feel like you have to stay because of me." I ramble, trying hard not to get upset.

"Vic," he sighs tiredly. "I'm not here to babysit you. I love you. I want to be here for you." 

I swallow the lump building in my throat and look down at my hands. I begin picking at the bandage Kellin wrapped around my arms last night.

"I should have never left. I'm sorry. I didn't know things were this bad." Kellin apologizes.

"I don't want to talk about this, Kellin." I squeak. "I don't know how..."

My voice fails me and I trail off. I try desperately to push back my tears but one slips down my cheek.

"I know," Kellin whispers. "But if you don't talk about it, we can't make it better."

"I don't know what you could possibly do to make this better." I croak, feeling completely hopeless.

"Well, why don't you tell me what's been going on and we'll figure it out from there." 

I give in and nod, but don't say anything else because I don't know where to start. We're silent for a few minutes before Kellin speaks.

"When did you start cutting again?" he asks softly.

I gulp and shrug.

"A couple of weeks ago. I don't remember exactly." I admit.

"Do you remember why?" he asks.

I take a deep breath as more tears fill my eyes. This is somehow harder than I thought it would be.

"I felt like I deserved it." I breathe.

Kellin turns his body towards mine, taking my hand into his hand and placing his other on my knee. I can feel him staring at me but I can't bear to look at him right now. I feel so vulnerable.

"Nothing you could have done could warrant this, Vic." he says softly. 

I wipe my cheek down and shake my head.

"You don't understand." I sniff. "I've been such a shit husband, a shit person. I can't get a job, I can't bring myself to cook and clean, I don't give you affection or make you feel good. I introduced you to Carter. I brought him into your life. I didn't pick up on the fact that my fiance was a rapist. I didn't even notice that my uncle was depressed and suicidal. I've lied to you so much over these past few months, I've worried you, I've stressed you out, I've made you drink, I've made you cry. I killed somebody, Kells."

I break down into sobs, feeling all the guilt swell to the surface and the shame crumble down on top of me. Kellin gently rubs my back and doesn't speak for a few minutes, allowing me to cry all my emotions out.

"What do you mean you killed somebody, Vic?" Kellin asks softly.

I meet his fearful and confused gaze and try to calm myself down enough to speak.

"Carter." I whimper.

"You killed Carter?" Kellin says slowly still seeming puzzled.

"He killed himself, but it was my fault." I choke.

I watch him carefully through the blur of my tears as he tries to process what I just told him. But after a brief moment of thought, it's almost as if he brushes it off.

"Baby," he says with the gentlest tone and the utmost love. "all these things you're blaming yourself for aren't your fault. You're burying yourself in guilt you don't deserve."

"But I do deserve—"

"No, no, hey," Kellin cuts me off, taking my chin and lifting it up. "You don't. Sometimes, bad things just happen it's no one's fault. But if you need someone to blame, blame me. Don't you dare put that blame on yourself, because you are the most selfless, the most kind and the most beautiful man I know and you don't deserve it."

I want his words to help, but they just feel like lies. I sigh and fall back down onto my pillow, exhausted, ready to fall asleep and never wake up.

"You don't understand." I sniff tearfully.

Kellin rests down next to me and brushes a tear from my cheek with his thumb.

"Okay, well, then help me understand. Talk me through it." He says softly.

I take a deep breath, unsure where to start once again. I decide to begin with the thing that hurts me most.

"If I didn't bring Carter into your life, he would never have hurt you." I mumble.

Kellin nods. "You're probably right. But you had no way of knowing what he was and what he was capable of. You did not introduce him to me out of malice, you thought he was a nice guy because he manipulated you into thinking that. You're victim of Carter too, babe. You can't be held accountable for his actions."

I nod, knowing that he's right but I still can't shake these horrible feelings. I think he sees my hesitance to accept his reassurances so he continues. 

"Vic, I need you to really understand that I'm okay. I went through something traumatic and terrible but I'm alive, I'm here, I have a wonderful husband, a great job, great friends and I'm happy. I really am. I don't need you to feel sad for me or to feel angry that something bad happened to me. I need you appreciate where we are right now. You need to let go of that part of our lives so I can let it go too and move on." he stresses.

I feel guilty all over again. By holding onto this, I've just been making things harder on Kellin.

"Okay," I breathe. "I'll try to let it go. It just hurts me."

"I know." Kellin coos softly. "But it doesn't need to anymore. It's over."

I nod again and Kellin wipes more tears from my cheek.

"Carter killing himself is not on you, baby." Kellin whispers softly. "It was his own actions, his own guilt, his own fear of consequence that made him do that. If you had never visited him, I am certain that he would have taken his life eventually. He clearly could not live with what he did and who he was. And honestly, I think the world is better off without him. Don't waste your tears on him because he doesn't deserve them." 

I take Kellin's hand in mine and look down as his fingers as I distract myself with them.

"I don't even think it's really him that I'm crying for." I whisper, thinking about Kylie.

"Who are you crying for then?" Kellin pushes.

"His girlfriend." I breathe shakily.

He gives me a look, silently urging me to go on.

"She called me after he took his life. She wanted to know why. I didn't know how to tell her. So she told me it was my fault. How do you explain to someone that the person they loved was a monster? She's really hurting, Kells. Her boyfriend died. I cant imagine...If I lost you..."

I get choked up at the thought so I quickly stop thinking about it.

Kellin smiles sadly at me then kisses my forehead.

"She only thinks it's your fault because she doesn't know who he really was. Her putting that blame on you doesn't make it your fault, and you don't need to take on that blame, okay?"

"I just feel so bad." I sigh, hopelessly. "I think I could ease her pain if I could just tell her the truth but I don't know how."

Kellin looks thoughtful and hesitant for a brief moment before he makes a suggestion. 

"I could help you. If you want to tell her, I can be there with you. I can explain some things." Kellin offers. He doesn't seem convinced within himself which makes me worry that he feels pressured.

"You don't have to do that." I sniff.

"I want to. If it'll help her and it'll help you then I'd be happy to." he smiles gently.

I nod and take another deep breath. All these deep breaths are making the weight in my chest feel a little lighter.

"I'll think about it." I decide.

"Good," he smiles, softly kissing my cheek.

His smile falters as he looks down as our hands. He pulls his fingertips from my grasp and delicately moves them along my bandaged arm. He stops when he comes to the gauze that is protruding slightly from under the bandage. 

"Can you tell me a bit more about this accident of yours?" he murmurs, his eyebrows furrowed with concern.

I feel the shame rise in me once again and it releases in a single tear that spills down my cheek.

"I cut deeper than I intended to. I hit a vein. I had to have a minor surgery." I explain bluntly, hoping I've satisfied him with enough information for him to move on. But he just seems more confused and concerned.

"You were in hospital? When? For how long?"

"Remember that time I didn't come home and I told you was with Tony? I was in hospital overnight." I admit.

Tears well in Kellin's eyes and he nods as he intakes a sharp breath.

"I wish I could have been there for you." he sniffs. "That must have been so scary." 

I just shrug and look back down at my hands, not having the strength at all right now to bear the sight of my husband crying.

"Kells," I whisper, a lump building in my throat.

"What is it?" He whispers back. 

"I have hospital bills that I can't afford to pay." I sniff, fearing his reaction. The last thing I want to do is add more financial pressure to his plate.

"Are they not covered by your insurance?" he asks confused.

I sink lower into myself and shake my head.

"I don't have insurance anymore. I stopped paying it and got cut off after I lost my job." I whisper.

"You what?" Kellin asks alarmed. "Babe, you can't just not have insurance. Why didn't you just tell me? I would have kept your payments up."

I choke out a sob.

"I already take so much from you. And I didn't think I really needed it. It was stupid. I'm so sorry."

"Hey," Kellin lulls. "It's okay. I'll pay the bills. We'll get your insurance sorted. It'll be okay." 

He pushes some hair from my face then continues to brush his fingers through my hair.

"We're married, Vic. What's mine is yours. You are entitled to use our household funds. Just because I'm the one working, doesn't mean it isn't your money too. You cook, you clean, you keep our home functioning. You have just as much worth in this relationship as I do. You have just as much right to our resources." he explains.

"But I haven't even been doing that lately." I mumble, ashamed.

"Babe, you've been depressed. You haven't been eating or sleeping enough and you've clearly been struggling emotionally. It's no wonder you don't feel like cooking or cleaning. You must feel exhausted all the time. I would never expect you to be bearing all this pain and then still be maintaining the house. I should have made that more clear. I'm sorry." Kellin sighs. "You're not a bad husband for needing a break from things. This is not your fault and we're going to get you some help so you can start feeling better."

"Some help?" I squeak out nervously.

"I made you an appointment with your doctor—"

"I don't need to see a doctor." I interrupt.

He looks at me tiredly and frowns.

"You do, Vic. You're sick, babe. This is just like a physical illness. You need treatment so you can get better. It's not normal to have such low self-esteem and self-worth. I wish I could help you, but I'm not qualified and I don't know how. I don't want to risk losing you over this." Kellin urges, the tenderness in his tone refusing to waver. "Not again."

I'm annoyed that he's even suggesting this, especially since he refuses to talk to a professional about his trauma, so why should he expect me to do this? But I can see how sad and desperate he is, so I don't argue with him.

"Okay, I'll see a doctor, but I'm not doing anything I don't want to do." I mutter, resistantly.

"Of course, babe. I would never force you into anything you weren't comfortable with. I just want you to try this, see if a doctor can offer any insight." Kellin explains.

I nod but don't say another word on the topic. Kellin reaches for another strand of my hair and begins playing with it as he's seemingly thinking about something else. It's a while until he speaks again.

"You didn't make me drink." He says softly. "I broke my sobriety. That was all me. I should never have put that on you and I don't want you to think it was your fault because it wasn't. I let myself fall and I fucked up. I should have done things differently the other night. I'm sorry I put you through that."

"Are you doing better now?" I ask worried.

He smiles at me and kisses my nose.

"You're so sweet." he whispers but doesn't answer my question. "Thank you for looking after me that night. I was a mess and an asshole to you but you still made sure I got to bed okay."

I force a smile and nod yet I feel like I should have done more.

The topic of conversation makes me suddenly recall something which causes my stomach to twist and turn. I don't want to cause any more problems between us but I need him to either ease my mind or break my heart so I'm not left wondering.

"Can I ask you something?" I whisper nervously.

"Of course, anything." Kellin encourages. 

"Before you were about to leave yesterday, you asked me if I would care if you cheated on me..." I trail off as my mouth completely dries out.

"I didn't," he says before I can even get the question out, but he still looks guilty which makes me wonder if there's something he's not telling me. "I didn't cheat on you."

"But?" I squeak, hoping he'll explain himself.

"But," he sighs, his eyes filling with tears and regret. "I tried to."

"What do you mean?" I mumble, swallowing in attempts to bring moisture back to my mouth.

He looks up at the ceiling and catches a tear that slips from the corner of his eye. I watch him closely and alert, desperate for an explanation. 

"I was so drunk and I was angry," he whispers. "I thought you were cheating on me—"

"I would never." I interrupt him, heartbroken by the accusation.

"I know. I know." he groans, covering his face. "I was paranoid, I guess. I didn't understand why you were so withdrawn from me so I jumped to conclusions."

He restlessly sits up and pulls his knees to his chest insecurely.

"I paid a stripper to have sex with me to get back at you. But I didn't go through with it. I couldn't. I could never let another person kiss me or touch me. I only ever want you, that's all I've ever wanted."

He looks to me with tearful and ashamed eyes. I can see the apology in them but it's not needed. I forgive him. 

"I hate who I become when I drink. I'm spiteful, I'm reckless, I'm so selfish and destructive." he sniffs. "You know I drove my car that night? I was completely out of it and I drove my car. I could have killed somebody."

My heart lurches in my chest at his confession. He could have gotten into an accident. He could have died.

I sit up and wrap my arms around his shaking frame, just thankful that he's here. And for a moment, I feel thankful that I'm here too.

He leans into me and slowly relaxes.

"I'm going to find some meetings I can go to. I need to learn how to manage this." he breathes.

"I think that's a great idea." I murmur, kissing his head.

He shifts himself into my lap and wraps himself around me. I hold him tightly, thankful that I'm here to hold him. He feels warm and homely. And in his arms, I find my place in the world. This is where I belong.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me." he mumbles into my shoulder.

"Don't be sorry." I reassure him.

He lifts his head from my shoulder and looks into my eyes smiling at me as he begins brushing his fingers through my hair again.

"How are you feeling now?" he murmurs.

"Okay actually." I admit, feeling a lot less heavy after getting everything off my mind.

"See, things are already a little better." he says softly. "You can always talk to me, Vic. You're not a burden to me. I don't want to risk losing you, so if you're feeling low, just tell me. We can work it out."

I nod but uncertainty begins to set it. It sounds great in theory, but it's been so long since I've opened up to someone, I don't even think I remember how. 

In a mental panic, I dread the long journey ahead of me and find myself thinking that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to throw myself from that bridge.

"I love you." Kellin whispers.

And like clockwork, that little voice in the back of my head reinforces my self-doubt.

You shouldn't.

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