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Kellin

I envy the raindrops on the car window as they slide down the glass and fade into nothingness. I would give anything to not exist right now, or to exist in a simpler time.

I think back to my perfect wedding day. I want to go back there. I want to hold my husband, I want to kiss him again. All those months ago, never did I think that Vic and I would end up like this.

But I don't regret leaving, I know it's what I need right now. Being around Vic, in our broken home, is triggering to me and I'm determined to not let last night's lapse turn into a relapse. I just need to disappear for a while so I can sort myself out, and hopefully, Vic can sort himself out too.

I'm confident we'll get back to where we were, in time. I wouldn't have left if I didn't think that.

We finally pull up in Jenna's driveway and she shuts off the car.

"You okay, hun?" she asks me ever-so softly.

I look to her, desperately blinking away my tears.

"I feel bad for leaving him." I sniff.

"Don't." she says firmly. "This was so easily avoidable, Kells. All he had to do was talk to you, and he refused to. So don't feel bad. This is what's best for the both of you right now. And it's only temporary. I'm sure he'll come to his senses in a few days."

"Okay," I breathe.

"I'll head around there later just to make sure he's alright, yeah?" she suggests.

I nod, feeling grateful for the opportunity to have that peace of mind.

"Come on, lets get inside before the rain picks up." she suggests.

I follow her out of the car and into her home. It actually feels like a home which is a feeling I haven't experienced in a while. But I feel out of place here because it's not my home. I start to dread the thought that I'll never get that feeling back.

Jenna leads me into the living room where her wife is seated in front of the TV.

"I came bearing gifts." Jenna grins, wrapping an arm around me.

"Oh how thoughtful of you," Tay plays along. "It's good to see you, Kell."

She's smiling at me but her eyes hold sympathy. Great, I'm going to be throwing a pity party in no time.

"You too," I reply flatly.

"Why don't you go settle in the guest room and have a nice warm shower, okay?" Jenna suggests.

I just nod then carry my bag upstairs. It feels heavier than it actually is as I throw it down on the bed. I don't want to unpack or anything, I don't want to admit to myself that I might be here for a while, so I just head down the hall to the bathroom. I find a towel then I run myself a warm shower as Jenna recommended. 

I almost buckle and fall as I step under the stream, as the weight of the water pushes on the weight of my fractured marriage and my severed sobriety. But I hold myself up because I have to.

I spend my shower thinking about my parents, how I swore to never be like them and I still somehow ended up an alcoholic with a failed marriage. It's like no matter how hard I try to make things work out, nothing ever does.

I push the pessimistic thoughts out of my mind and reassure myself that this is all only temporary. I just had a small slip up and Vic and I are going to be fine.

I leave the shower, feeling no better than before I got in. I wrap a towel around my waist and head back down to the guest room. I unzip my bag and begin searching for comfortable clothes. I put on a pair of sweatpants then start looking for a top but instead I stumble across one of Vic's hoodies. I immediately recognise it from last night—the sleeves are even still damp. He must have gotten changed out of it and I must have accidently picked it up off the floor and packed it.

I bring it to my nose and am met with Vic's comforting aroma. Tears spring to my eyes for the hundredth time today but I just let them fall this time. I sit down on the neatly-made bed and squeeze Vic's hoodie as I cry into the material. This simple piece of clothing mimics his presence and it's enough to make me feel a little better and yet somehow worse at the same time. How do I miss him so much already?

When I eventually manage to calm down, I slide the hoodie on, hoping that it can substitute the feeling of Vic's arms around me. I wipe my cheeks with the sleeves and decide to go downstairs and see Jenna, but as I'm about to leave, I slip my hands into the pockets and feel something strange. I pull out a crumpled piece of paper, much like the one I threw off Vic and I's bed last night. I curiously unfold it and find that it's mostly blank with the exception of two words, "Dear Kellin". 

I put my hand back into the pocket where I feel more paper. I pull out another one and unwrinkle it. This one reads "Dear Kells, I'm sorry for". I'm confused. He's sorry for what? What is this?

I put my hand back in the pocket and pull out the final piece of paper. I flatten it out and read through it carefully. 

"Dear Kells,

If you're reading this, I'm probably dead. I'm sorry for failing as your husband, as your protector and provider. I wish I had done more. I want you to be happy and I don't know if that can happen if I'm still around. I should have"

I swallow dryly, rereading the unfinished note over and over again, paying careful attention to the first sentence. 'I'm probably dead'. What is he saying?

"Jenna!" I shout anxiously.

I hear her stomping up the stairs almost instantly then she rushes around the corner into the room.

"What? What's wrong?" she asks, out of breath.

"What do you make of this?" I squeak, handing her the note.

She reads over it, looking confused.

"Where did you get this?" she frowns at me.

"In my pocket, uh, Vic's pocket actually." I explain quickly.

Her eyes widen and she reads over the letter again then she looks up at me, fearfully.

"Kell, this looks suicide note to me." she says confirming my suspicions.

"Oh fuck." I choke out, scrambling for my phone that sits on the bed.

I find Vic's number and hit call. I hold the speaker up to my ear but it rings a few times before going to voicemail. I immediately call again but still no answer.

"He's not answering." I say panicky.

"It's okay," Jenna says calmly. "Let's just head around there and check on him, okay?"

I nod so we quickly hurry out of the house. I don't even bother to put shoes on. We get back into Jenna's car and she pulls out of the driveway before heading back to Vic and I's place.

"I'm sure he's fine, Kells." Jenna reassures me but she doesn't sound convinced by her own words.

I spend the short drive calling Vic's phone over and over again but he doesn't pick up. Nausea pools in my stomach and doesn't let up when we arrive at the house. 

"Where's his car?" I say anxiously noticing it's absence from the driveway.

I don't wait for an answer as I spill out of Jenna's car before it has barely even stopped. I race inside the house and call Vic's name. No answer.

I rush into the living room then the kitchen and after confirming he's not downstairs, I sprint to get upstairs but stop at the foot of the stairs, noticing something sitting on the bottom step. It's a folded piece of paper and next to it is Vic's wedding ring.

My hands shake as I unfold the note and my stomach churns as I read what it says.

'My dearest Kells,

I hope this is the last time I burden you.

Meeting you, marrying you and loving you were the easiest things I ever did, I'm sorry I made this all so hard for you. I don't deserve you, I never have and I want you to find someone who does. I want you to have that family you always wanted and I want you to have all the things I failed to give you.

I will never stop thinking about you until the very end, and if there's a heaven, I know you'll be there.

You have my whole heart, you always have, you always will.

I love you.

Forever and ever, always ♡

Vic,

your best friend.'

"Vic!" I scream through the house as I race up the stairs, clutching Vic's goodbye in my hand.

I search the rooms and find nothing. I fall to the ground at the entrance of our bedroom in a surge of tears and sorrow, beginning to grieve my missing husband.

"Kellin," Jenna says firmly, leaning down beside me. "He's not here. Do you have any idea where he would go?"

I shake my head and look back at her tearfully. Who the fuck knows how their spouse plans to kill themself?

But as the words of Vic's note chime through my mind, something stands out. 'Forever and ever, always'. It's what we engraved into our lock before we attached it to the railings of our bridge.

"Maybe," I spit out. "I'm not sure. But maybe." 

"Okay, it's something, let's go." she says, helping me to my feet.

With nothing but adrenaline and anxiety pumping through my veins, I rush back to Jenna's car. I direct her to the bridge as Jenna races through the streets. In the back of my mind, I'm scared that she's driving recklessly in rainy weather, but no part of me wants her to slow down.

I spot Vic's car at the opening of the bridge and I peer along the railings, until I see him. He's standing right by our lock, already slipped over the other side of the railings, the only thing keeping him from plummeting into the rocky water below is his loose grip on the slippery metal.

"There!" I shout pointing towards him. Jenna slams on the brakes.

I leap from the car and begin running through the rain towards my husband.

"Vic!" I scream but he doesn't hear me over the pelting of the brewing storm.

I get closer and I want to scream his name again but I'm worried I'll startle him and he'll fall. I reluctantly slow down and cautiously walk over to him, stopping about six feet away. The rain pelts down over me, soaking me quickly. I'm shaking but I'm unsure if it's from the cold or the fear coursing through my blood.

"Vic," I say softly.

His eyes widen as his head snaps towards me.

"Kellin, how did you—what are you doing here?" he stammers out.

"I found your note." I choke out.

He looks away from and looks down at the river below him.

"You need to go." he tells me, seeming eerily calm.

"I'm not leaving you." I whimper. "So don't leave me."

He winces at my words and suddenly seems hesitant. My tears merge with the raindrops on my cheeks. I take another cautious step toward him.

"I need to do this, baby." he croaks. "I'm so sick of burdening you."

"Vic, you could never burden me." I cry.

He doesn't respond so I take another step toward him.

"You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I couldn't live without you. Please don't make me." I choke out.

He glances back at me but averts his gaze the second our eyes meet.

"Things are so bad though, Kells." he whimpers.

He seems so defeated and lost. I just want to hold him until he feels okay again.

"We can make them better." I push, taking another step.

"What if we can't? What if I'm broken?" he sobs.

Doubt starts creeping in as I worry that I won't be able to convince him to stay, or even worse, I'll say something completely wrong and he'll just jump. But I push away that doubt, because if I don't try, I lose everything.

"We don't know if it can get better if we don't try." I say firmly. "and I'd rather have a broken husband than no husband at all."

He nods but doesn't move.

"I'm scared." he whimpers.

"Of what, baby?" I lull, taking another step toward him.

"There's things I haven't told you. You're going to hate me." he sniffs.

My heart leaps to my throat, thinking about what he possibly hasn't told me, but I quickly shut those thoughts down because they don't matter to me right now.

"I could never hate you. I love you, Vic. I have loved you for the past eleven years and I'm going to love you a million more. Nothing you could say is going to change that."

"You don't know what I've done. I've ruined lives. I've broken promises." he sobs.

"Vic, if you jump from this bridge, you're going to break me. You're going to ruin my life. Please, just come home with me." I beg.

He pauses as he stares below him. The rain picks up, seeming heavier than ever.

Oh god, what if he slips?

He finally turns back at me with a sad but hopeful look in his eyes.

"Home?" he sniffs.

"Home. I never should have left. I'm sorry."

He nods, squeezing his eyes shut and letting another wave of tears fall. "Okay."

I take one final step forward, wrapping my arms around Vic's middle, holding him tightly against the railing.

"I've got you." I sigh relieved. "I've got you, baby."

He shakes as I help him climb back over the railing to safety and he immediately collapses onto the ground in painful wails. Jenna rushes over and pulls him into her arms.

"We're here, Vic. We're here." she whispers.

We help him to his feet and drag him through the rain to Jenna's car. We load him into the backseat and I slide in next to him, pulling his head onto my lap. He continues to sob and I shush him gently as I stroke his wet hair.

"We're going home, baby. You're okay." I reassure him.

"We're taking him home? Are you sure that's a good idea? Maybe we should get him to a hospital." Jenna frowns as she starts the car.

"He wants to go home. We'll worry about the rest later." I push.

She silently agrees as she begins driving us home. I spend the ride desperately trying to console my husband who once held himself together so well but now is shattered to a thousand pieces in my lap.

--

Happy holidays y'all!

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