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"Are you sure you don't want me to go with you?" Kellin asks softly, rubbing my shoulder as I brush my teeth.

"I'm sure, babe. You've got work and I'd prefer to go alone." I say through a mouthful of toothpaste.

I spit into the sink and rinse before kissing Kellin's cheek.

"Okay. But call if you need anything, yeah?" he requests sweetly and I nod.

I feel guilty because he's genuinely concerned and wants to support me, all because of a lie. I told him my uncle's wife had contacted me and asked me to help go through his belongings. She conveniently lives a few towns over, in the same town Carter now lives. I'm going to confront him today, but Kellin can't know that.

"Shower?" I suggest, desperately changing the subject.

"Sure." Kellin chirps.

I lean over to our shower and turn it on. I begin getting undressed and watch Kellin as he does the same.

"So you're not even going to be subtle about watching me undress now?" he grins teasingly.

"I've never watched you undress," I lie blushing furiously.

"My husband is a liar and a pervert." He snorts, now completely nude.

I'm left a little stunned and completely embarrased by his statement as he walks past me and gets into the shower.

"Babe, it's fine. How do you think I caught you looking?" he chuckles.

I then realize in order for Kellin to notice me checking him out, he too must have been looking too.

"Well, my husband is a hypocrite." I grumble, joining him in the shower.

He just grins and kisses my now-wet shoulder. Then we both stand under the shower-stream for a while until Kellin inevitably ends up in my arms. I'm enjoying just holding him and being close to him until he speaks, breaking the silence.

"You never talk about him." he says softly.

I'm confused. Does he mean Carter?

"Never talk about who?" I question.

"Your uncle, your tio." he says softly.

I feel a little sick at the mention of my uncle.

"Nothing to talk about." I say quickly, eager to avoid the subject.

"You were close, Vic. You saw him nearly every day. You spent a lot of time together. Losing him must have been hard and yet you rarely, if ever, express that." Kellin sighs.

"It was hard." I admit. "But nothing's going to bring him back. Just don't see the point in talking about it."

"It might make you feel better. I felt better after talking to you." he pushes.

"I'm fine, Kellin." I say sternly, desperately wanting this conversation to come to an end so I don't have to think about it anymore.

"Okay." he says softly.

I kiss his head a silent 'thank you' for caring about me then I get out of the shower. 

"I should head off but I'll see you later. I should be home before you get back from work." I say speedily drying myself so I can get dressed and get out of there.

"Okay, have a safe trip. I love you." he tells me.

"I love you too." I smile as I put my sweater on, then I go kiss him goodbye, getting a little wet as I do so, but it's totally worth it.

I get my things and swiftly leave the house, then I get into my car and pull onto the street, heading towards Carter.

The hour long drive gives me a lot of time to succumb to my feelings and thoughts. I feel guilty for lying to Kellin, like seriously guilty. I guess I feel guilty because I know he would disapprove of me doing this. But I'm doing this for him. I just want to guarantee his safety and rid him of unease so he can be happier. All I want in life is for him to be happy.

As I drive into Carter's town, I'm filled with nerves. I don't know how he's going to respond to seeing me, I don't know if he's going to be cooperative, I don't know what version of Carter I'm going to be confronted with.

When I find his supposed home, I park across the street and kill the engine. I look up at the house and I'm a little confused. Maybe this isn't my Carter. This area is so suburban and the flower-filled garden is well-kept. It's not like the Carter I remember at all. But I guess I never truly knew Carter.

I take a few more minutes to reconsider this decision but I've come too far to back down now. I get out of the car, feeling a little shaky and go up to the house. I knock on the door and stand back, completely unprepared to be face-to-face with my husband's rapist.

I hear the click of the lockset and my breath hitches, but when the door swings open, it's not Carter standing before me. 

"Hi, can I help you?" a black-haired woman asks. She couldn't be much younger than me.

"Uh, I'm looking for Carter Cruz. I think I might have the wrong address though." I say unsurely.

"No, he's here. Who are you?" She asks confused.

"Oh, I'm Vic, an old friend." I stammer out.

"Well, it's nice to meet you! Do you want to come in?" She offers.

"Uh," I hesitate but she doesn't wait for an answer as she starts to walk into the house.

I follow her and she brings me into the living room.

"Take a seat, make yourself at home. I'll go fetch Carter."  She chirps.

I sit awkwardly on the sofa and my leg bounces with anxiety. I look around and spot a photograph sitting on the coffee table. I immediately feel ill. Carter is kissing the woman's cheek which is weird in itself but what really sickens me is that I recognise where the photo was taken. It was taken at an ice-cream parlour which is only a few minutes away from Kellin and I's house. He was so close to Kellin and neither of us knew.

"Babe, your friend is here." I hear the woman chirp.

"My friend?" Carter replies seeming confused.

"Yeah, in the living room." she says.

I hear Carter's footsteps approaching the room and jump to my feet.

As soon as he turns into the living room, he comes to a sudden holt upon seeing me.

Initially, he looks shocked, but that's quickly overwashed by a look of shear terror.

I notice that his hair has changed a little, it's longer and it's a lighter color. But despite that, it's the same Carter I remember.

"Vic, what are you doing here?" he asks quietly.

I have to force the words out of my mouth.

"I want to talk." I say bluntly, hoping my nerves don't come through my voice.

He's still for a few seconds, then he walks across the room and sits down on the armchair across from me. He leans forward, hunched over like he's on edge.

"Well, take a seat." he instructs.

I don't want to, out of pure defiance of his words. But I know I can't awkwardly stand across from him so I sit back on the sofa.

"How have you been?" he asks, commencing small talk to prolong the inevitable conversation we're going to have.

"Fine. You?" I answer.

"Fine." he says softly.

He pauses as he looks down at his hands, then he looks back at me.

"How's, um, how's Kellin?" he stammers out.

Just hearing my husband's name come out of his mouth pisses me off.

I take a breath to keep my cool. I want to have this conversation civilly. But honestly, if it wasn't for the woman I can hear puttering about what I assume is the kitchen, then I probably would have lost my shit by now.

"He's..." I pause for thought. "He's okay. He still struggles, but he's doing better than he was."

He looks up at me, seemingly saddened. It's then I notice a scar that runs down his lip. I wonder if I put that there when I attacked him a year ago.

I get a phantom ache in my knuckle as I'm reminded of punching him. I'm still not sure to this day whether I regret it or not.

"I–" a hitch in his breath makes him stop talking.

He blinks some tears away and takes a deep breath.

"I would take it all back if I could." he whispers.

"Well you can't." I scowl.

"I know." he mumbles.

"No, you don't. You have no fucking idea." I spit.

He puts his head in his hands and his leg starts shaking convulsively.

"What can I do to make it better?" he whimpers.

He looks back up at me with a teary face. I can't tell if it's crocodile tears or genuine emotion. I don't even think I care.

"Turn yourself in." I state bluntly.

He wipes his face and gulps. He nods, seemingly acknowledging my request, but not agreeing to it.

He's quiet for a moment, just staring past me. 

He then sits up a little and speaks.

"I got help, Vic. I went to facility where they help people like me. I was there for six months. I got a lot therapy, medication–"

I cut him off.

"I don't give a fuck, Carter! The bottom line is that you got help after you raped my husband. You got help after you ruined his life. No amount of help is going to take that back." I exclaim.

He nods in understanding and looks thoughtful.

"Uh, husband?" he says, clearing his throat. "You married him?"

I didn't realize I had said it. I look down at my wedding ring and nod.

"Yeah, last week actually." I tell him.

"Congratulations." he says, with a gentle smile. "You deserve each other."

I just nod.

"My mother molested me when I was a kid." he blurts out.

Initially, I feel saddened by his words, but then realize he's just trying to justify what he did to Kellin.

"I know it's no excuse. I'm not trying to make excuses for what I did." he pauses, as if he's trying to find his words. "I've always had a problem with control. That was something my mother took away from me. And that manifested into this part of me, this horrible, horrible, part of me of that tried to gain control by taking it from someone else."

He swallows hard and wraps his arms around himself.

"I wish Kellin was here, because I just want him to know that what I did was because of me, it was all me, and it had nothing to do with him. It wasn't his fault. I was sick and I took it out on him." he explains.

I stay silent unsure how to react to that. I just don't know how to feel right now.

"I god honestly grew to really like Kellin. The more I got to know him the more I realized how funny and sweet and sarcastic he is–"

"Stop," I interrupt, feeling sick. "Stop it. You don't get to talk about him like that."

He immediately falls silent and nods.

"I know, I'm sorry." he says softly.

"No, Carter, you don't. You don't know." I growl. "He is terrified, so fucking terrified. He's timid and anxious, and overwhelmed all the time. This isn't the Kellin I knew before you came along. He suffers every fucking day because of you. Not to mention that you're the reason he tried to kill himself. And you took something from him that he'll never get back. You didn't just hurt him, you are continuously hurting him."

There's suddenly a knock on the door frame of the room, causing both Carter and I to look towards the door.

The woman who greeted me at the door is holding two mugs in her hand.

"Hey, I made coffee." she announces.

She walks into the room and places a mug on the coffee table in front of me then hands the other one to Carter.

"Everything okay, babe?" she asks Carter, seeing that he's clearly distressed. Maybe she overheard me raising my voice too, I don't know.

"Yeah," Carter whispers softly. "Everything's fine."

He takes her hand then looks to me.

"Vic, this is my girlfriend, Kylie." he murmurs. "Kylie, this is Vic," he pauses. "an old friend."

I assume she doesn't know that I'm Carter's ex fiance, probably so she doesn't find out what he did to Kellin. She probably doesn't even know that he's into men. I had no clue he was into women.

"It's nice to meet you." Kylie smiles.

"It's nice to meet you too." I say, but I'm not sure how much truth is behind my words.

"Alright, I'll let you boys catch up. Are you staying for lunch, Vic?" she asks with a polite smile.

"No," I answer.

She just nods, gives Carter a kiss, then she leaves the room.

These a lingering silence between Carter and I before I clear my throat.

"I didn't know you were bi." I say.

"Honestly, neither did I. My perception of women has been somewhat damaged after what my mother did. If it wasn't for my treatment, I don't if I would have ever started dating women." he explains. "Kylie and I have only been together a few months, but I'm starting to really fall for her. She's the reason I know that I can heal and I know that I can be a different person."

"It's great that you think that you're better, but you know why you need to turn yourself in, right?" I sigh.

"I know." he nods sadly.

"Kellin would be a lot more comfortable and less anxious if you were off the streets." I explain. "It's not fair that you get to be the one who heals when my husband hasn't been given that chance yet, because his rapist is free."

He swallows hard and nods again.

"What you did is unforgivable. And Kellin wasn't the first person you've hurt, was he?"

Carter shakes his head, tears filling his eyes.

I stare at him for a while, observing the truly broken man before me. He's so different to the Carter I knew, yet he's exactly the same person. All this anguish and torment was just internalized, but now I can see it clearly.

I have to wonder if this is all an act.

When we met, he had already raped someone, possibly multiple people. And I had no idea. And Kylie is just as oblivious. What if he hurts her? What if he's already hurting someone else?

"I want to hear you say it." I decide.

"Say what?" he sniffs.

"Say that you raped Kellin."

I haven't once heard him say it. He couldn't even admit it to Kellin.

He takes a deep breath and tears spill down his cheeks.

"I hurt Kellin." he chokes out.

"No, I say the word. Say that you raped him." I say sternly.

More tears fall down his cheeks as his mouth drops open. He seems to be struggling to get the words out.

"I," he pauses for a really long time. I can hear his breath getting panicky and shaky. "I, um, I raped," he chokes out a sob. "I raped Kellin."

He breaks down and covers his face, shaking and crying.

I don't know what to do. My natural reaction is to get up and comfort him, but I stop myself. I remind myself that this is my husband's rapist.

I watch him cry and feel sick. I'm so numb and confused that I feel ill. I should feel good seeing him in so much pain, but I don't. I don't feel sad about it either. I'm so overwhelmed that I feel absolutely nothing.

Carter starts to settle down and looks back up at me. He looks a little sick too.

I have a sudden thought. If Carter can barely admit that he raped someone, how healed can he be?

"Carter, you need to turn yourself in." I tell him.

"Yeah." he agrees, sniffing and wiping his eyes.

"If you don't, you might hurt someone else. You might hurt Kylie." I explain.

He nods and wipes another wave of tears from his cheeks.

"You're probably right." he sniffs. "I'll turn myself in."

He becomes strangely quiet and emotionless and it's a while before he speaks again.

"There's not a single day I don't regret what I did. Not a single day I don't hate who I am. I'll never know the full impact of what I did, of raping someone, but I hope that when I'm gone, Kellin will okay." he whispers. "I'm sorry, Vic. Not just to Kellin, but to you too. I can't imagine the pain of seeing someone you love be in so much pain. I'm sorry."

I just nod. I'm grateful for his apology, but I'm not sure how sincere it is. I hope it is.

I get the feeling this conversation is over so I stand up.

I don't know if he's actually going to turn himself in, but I have faith that he will.

Carter stands up too and extends his palm. I don't think too much about the gesture and simply shake his hand.

"Despite everything, it really was nice to see you again, Vic." he says softly.

I wish I could say the same, but I just can't.

--

sorry for the lateness. had to help my mum with her homework :)

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