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My blankets feel tight around me so I kick them off, but even after they're gone and I'm met with the semi-airy room, I still feel like my insides are boiling.

I feel queasy and feverish but I know I'm not sick.

I can't get the kiss out of my head and it's overwhelming. But beneath the sick feeling, there's a longing. A longing to kiss Vic again. It was perfect, the way his lips pressed to mine, the softness, how he tasted. It was perfect.

And underneath that sick feeling and longing, there's my common sense. I kissed Vic without his consent. Not only that but I kissed a BLIND guy without his consent. He couldn't have stopped me if he wanted too. He had no idea I was about to kiss him.

My lack of respect for something as simple as consent makes me feel dirty about my homosexuality.

What if these desires inside of me are as unnatural as I was taught? What if I'm just a sexual predator like I was made to believe? What if they were right? What if being gay is just a perversion and I'll never find real love because of it?

I can feel myself sinking deep into a hole I've somehow managed to avoid for a while now. And I definitely do not want to go back there so I jump out of bed, ready to go for a walk, something prescribed by Dr. Levit for whenever my thoughts get too much.

I pull my shoes out from under my bed and begin putting them on.

"Kellin?" Vic croaks out, sitting up. "What time is it?"

His blankets fall off him, revealing his bare chest that is mesmerising in the dim moonlight.

I quickly check my phone for the time, flustered and blushing.

"Three in the morning. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." I grimace.

"No, it's okay. Where are you going?" he asks, rubbing his eyes.

"I was just going to go for a walk. I can't sleep." I admit.

"Oh, can I come?"

His question catches me off guard.

"Um, yeah of course." I chirp half-heartedly. I feel a little unsure about my decision though. Are things going to be awkward and uncomfortable after the kiss?

I watch Vic get out of bed but I quickly turn my head away when I realize he's only in his boxers.

I finish putting my shoes on as Vic gets dressed, and with great difficulty, I refrain from peeking.

When Vic is ready to go, I take my keycard and we leave the room. We enter the dim hallway that is only lit up by small lights above each door.

Vic suddenly grabs my wrist, causing my breath to hitch in my throat. His hand slides down and finds mine, then our fingers link together.

"Lead the way." he chirps.

I glance up at him shyly but look away the second I see his handsome smile.

We walk hand in hand out of the dorm building. I give the security guard a little wave although he seems too nonchalant to care.

I lead Vic along the path outside and we get deeper and deeper into the beautiful garden which covers most of the campus grounds. I only wish Vic could see it.

I glance up at him and see the moonlight reflecting off the lenses of his glasses. I think back to his eyes and I want to tell him how beautiful they are but it doesn't seem appropriate.

The silence between us doesn't become noticible to me until we've walked quite a distance from our dorm building.

I want to speak and break the silence but I don't know what to say.

Although, soon enough Vic's soft, yet harsh, voice breaks through the night air.

"That was my first kiss." he announces gently.

As soon as his words register in my mind, panic arises from within me.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." I blurt out, my stomach tying itself in knots as my mind floods with self hatred.

I took his first kiss.

"Kellin, it's okay." he chuckles lightly.

I look back up and him and notice he doesn't seem upset which gives me an immediate sense of relief.

I watch him bring his free hand up to the back of his neck with slow, jagged movements. He seems nervous as he awkwardly scratches it.

"Maybe, I don't know, maybe we could try that again sometime. When I'm not so caught off guard." he smiles shyly.

His words seem like too much to even begin to process so I take my focus away from them.

"Why do you always move so hesitantly?" I frown.

Vic's smile also turns to a frown. He shrugs.

"I have a history of accidently smacking people in the face or poking people in the eye. It's better if I be careful." he explains seeming a little embarrassed.

"You don't have to be careful with me." I blurt out. "I mean, it's okay for you to be more confident with your movements. I don't mind. Don't be scared of move. It's normal. You can be comfortable around me."

Before I can even finish my last sentence, Vic's hand gently lands on my cheek as he stops and turns towards me. His thumb finds my bottom lip then before I can even process what's happening, he's kissing me.

I melt into his lips and my hands crawl up his shirt, feeling his body below it, until my fingers find the collar and just hang there.

Vic's other hand pulls out of mine and takes the other side of my face, whilst somehow pulling me closer.

I thought his lips felt amazing earlier, but now that they're moving along with mine, they're a thousand times better.

When Vic finally pulls away, I can feel my heart pounding against my chest, as if it is trying to escape to Vic's arms, where I desperately want to be right now.

"Was that confident enough?" Vic grins as he presses his forehead against mine.

He seems to be as short of breath as I am right now.

I can't help but to just laugh at his words.

"That was, that was perfect." I breathe, grinning too.

I glance down at his lips that are still so close to mine.

"You should do it again." I whisper.

He finds my lips again with his thumb then he kisses me again. The kiss is only brief but it satisfies cravings I didn't even know I had.

Vic and I both fall silent as his thumb just brushes along my chin and I stare up at him with wonder.

The beautiful garden is irrelevant to me now. Nothing could be as breathtaking as Vic is in this moment.

"We should probably head back to bed." Vic suggests softly.

"Oh, yeah, yeah." I stammer out, getting pulled back to reality.

His hand leaves my cheek as it slides into my palm.

I pay more attention to the feeling of his hand in mine than I did before. I feel as though I'm in a daze as we silently make our way back to the dorm building. I can't help but to steal glances at Vic the entire way.

Once we've conquered the stairs, we go down to our dorm room. Vic pulls out his keycard before I can pull out mine, then lines it up with the panel surprisingly fast. But when he inserts it, it turns red.

He frowns.

"What happened? I didn't hear the lock click." he says confused.

"Sometimes it does this." I explain, as I reach for Vic's keycard. But in doing so, my neck brushes against his lips, making me immediately freeze and lose my train of thought.

I watch Vic's fingers release the card, leaving it in the door then his hand finds mine which is still reaching for him. He doesn't take my hand though; he moves his palm up my arm and over my shoulder, until he finds my neck.

I'm staring at his lips, waiting for him to kiss me again but instead, he pushes himself against me, gently pressing me against the door.

Having him so close to me is killing me. I can smell his deodorant and feel his breath hitting my impatient lips. His lips are still lingering so close to mine but he doesn't seem to be making a move to kiss me.

I want to kiss him. I'm dying to kiss him. But something about initiating the kiss makes me feel hesitant.

Maybe because taking control would be admitting that I want this, and my subconscious still feels as though it's wrong of me to want this.

Vic's hand slips from my neck and moves down my chest.

I wonder if he can feel my shaky breaths against his lips.

His hand finally finds its place on my hip and then he places his other hand on my other hip. I feel small between them. He makes me feel meek and submissive.

I begin to feel shaky and a little lightheaded, almost as though I'm detoxing from his lips. They're addicting and my next hit is being waved right in front of me.

I move my arms to his neck and wrap them around it, pulling him closer to me. His lips ever so slightly touch mine, and that's all I need to forget about all the bad feelings. I kiss him, hard and desperate and he kisses back with the same eagerness.

His hands leave my hips as he snakes his arms around my waist, holding me close to him.

I'm completely lost in his lips and entranced in his embrace. There's nowhere I'd rather be right now. I feel we're the only two people in the world. I feel like I'm floating.

Although I'm brought back to reality when Vic unexpectedly thrusts his tongue into my mouth.

I can't help but to giggle and break the kiss.

"Sorry, was that too much?" Vic asks seeming genuinely panicked.

"A little." I laugh. "It's okay, though."

"What did I do wrong?" he sighs seeming embarrassed.

I can't help but to just adore him in this moment. I had forgotten up until this minute that his first ever kiss was only a few hours ago.

I peck his lips gently to reassure him.

"Nothing." I whisper. "You're a good kisser."

I want to tell him that we'll work on the tongue thing, but that insinuates that we'll kiss again. And I don't know if that's true.

I don't know why Vic chose to kiss me tonight. I don't know what it means. I don't know what it will lead to, if anything at all.

Vic unravels himself from my waist so I take that as my cue to let go of his neck.

He takes a step back from me and even through the dimly lit corridor, I can see that he's blushing furiously. I hope it's from flattery and not from embarrassment, he has no reason to be embarrassed.

Now that Vic's no longer pressed against me, I can finally focus on the matter at hand.

I turn back to the panel and remove Vic's card. I wipe it on my shirt like Sam did and then push it back into the slot. The light flashes green and the lock clicks.

As I remove the card and open the door, I feel Vic take my wrist. He finds my hand and holds it as we enter our dorm. I close the door behind us and then feel Vic tugging on my hand. I frown as I realize he's suggesting we go to his bed.

As much as I would love being close to him all night, going to bed with him makes me think of sex, and the thought of sex makes me feel sick.

I pull from Vic's grip, hoping that I don't upset him. But he gives me a nod and an understanding smile.

He goes to turn away, but I take his wrist, pulling him back to me so I can lean in and gently kiss his cheek.

"Goodnight, Vic." I whisper.

"Goodnight, Kells." he smiles.

I then drop his wrist and let him get into bed as I get into my own.

I keep my gaze on him as I lie down on my pillow, only looking away when he removes his shirt.

I don't really know what happened tonight, I don't know what any of this means, but I know one thing, I don't regret a single second of it.

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