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- A Few Months Later -

He's the first thing I see when I wake up. He almost always is. His messy hair, his full lips, his warm skin. He's still in the position he was in when he fell asleep. He doesn't seem to move a lot like I do. His muscular arm is draped across my waist and he's facing towards me. We fell asleep spooning but I must have shifted over because now his face is only a few inches from mine. His breath tickles my lips which reminds me of kissing him, so I lean in and leave a gentle peck on his mouth, hoping I don't disturb his slumber in the process. I remember back to when I stole his first kiss. I steal many kisses from him these days without hesitation, and he still doesn't mind one bit.

My phone rings again, reminding me of why I'd suddenly woken up. I quickly scramble out of bed to my feet and then across the room where I answer the phone without even looking at who's calling. Relief washes over me as the noise stops and my boyfriend remains asleep.

I sit on what used to be my bed—but is honestly more vacant than not these days—as I put the phone to my ear.

"Hey, you up?" 

It's Sammy. I wasn't expecting anyone else.

"I am now." I chuckle quietly.

I watch Vic stir from across the room. His face cutely scrunches up for a second then returns to it's peaceful state.

"Well, Jordan and I are going to pick up some coffee, go see Brandon and Conner then we'll be over, okay?" she chirps.

"Sounds good." I smile. "I'll see you soon."

I hang up the phone then go slide back into bed, hoping to get a few extra minutes of peace before we inevitably have to start the day, but Vic finally wakes up.

"Kell," he yawns, sounding worried. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good." I assure him softly.

"Are you sure? You're not going anywhere, are you?" he frowns, finally blinking his eyes open, his beautiful eyes.

"No, I just answered the phone. Not going anywhere." I chirp, sliding my arms around his bare waist. His naked thigh slides between mine and he holds me tightly, almost as if he's worried I'm going to run off.

It's not very often these days that I freak out after we have sex, in fact, it's rare and hasn't happened for a while, but Vic still likes to check in every time, and I'm grateful for it. And even on the occasion I do panic, Vic seems to be able to talk me down from it so long as he's awake before I am.

"Okay, good." he mumbles. "What time is it?"

"Almost ten." I tell him.

"We have to go soon. We should start getting ready." he says sitting up and stretching.

"Why don't we just stay in bed today?" I mumble, running my hand down his sexy bare chest.

He smiles softly at me.

"I know you're nervous, but you'll be fine. We're just going to enjoy ourselves, okay?" he explains.

"I know." I sigh, dropping my hand and looking up at the ceiling. Even with his reassurances the anxiety in my chest still feels heavy.

He climbs over me, sliding out of bed and I stare at his beautiful naked body as he feels through his drawers for clothes.

"Hey perve," Vic snorts, obviously sensing me staring at him, or maybe he just knows me too well. "Get dressed or I'm going to let your sister in despite your nudity."

"That would be traumatising for everyone involved." I chuckle, finally pushing the covers off and getting out of bed.

I go over to my drawers and frown as I search for something to wear.

"What do people even wear to these things?" I mumble, feeling lost. I know I'm going to feel so out of place today. I want to minimize that as much as possible.

"I don't know, something sexy." Vic smirks, as he pulls on a tight pair of jeans.

"I don't own anything sexy." I frown.

"Anything you wear is automatically considered sexy." Vic chirps.

I watch him cover up his toned chest with a pride-colored tank that he had bought last week. I too probably should have bought some new clothes in preparation but admittedly I've been pushing this day from my mind.

I take inspiration from him and pick out the Queen tank that I stole from him months ago and refuse to return, although he's never actually asked for it back.

Once we're both dressed, Vic stands by his open drawer looking a little nervous. He seems composed but I can see he's holding tension in his shoulders.

"What's wrong?" I ask worried.

"Don't be mad but I got you something." he blurts out.

"Expensive?" I panic.

"No, no, not expensive." he assures me.

I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Okay, good. I actually have something for you too." I admit.

"Oh my god, okay, do you want to go first? Or how do you want to do this?" Vic grins seeming flustered.

He's so cute. I wish I could afford to spoil him.

"You can go first." I chirp, sitting on my bed.

Vic proceeds to uncover something from under a pile of clothes. He pulls out a large brown paper bag and practically skips over to me. I grab his hand so he knows where I am then he sits down beside me. He holds out the bag so I take it.

"Do I just open it?" I ask unsure.

We're not really gift-givers which is why I've been holding onto the gift I made for Vic for a while now. Neither of us have much money, I'm still looking for work and Vic's disability pension doesn't stretch far, so I didn't really want Vic to feel like he owed me anything.

"Yes, dummy. Open it." he chuckles.

I open the bag and pull out a box. My eyes widen as I realize it's a shoe box and right on the top in gold lettering is 'GUCCI'.

"Vic," I snap. "What did you do?"

"Oh shut up. Have you opened it yet?" he chuckles.

I pull the lid from the box, revealing a white pair of high-top sneakers, with a fluffy pride flag around the top.

"Vic, I swear to God, you're going to give me a panic attack." I stress, desperately wanting to pull out the beautiful shoes to examine them, but I don't want to damage them.

"Kell, I told you they weren't expensive. They're fake. Fucci." he assures me.

"Oh," I sigh relieved.

"I got Conner to track them down for me. What do you think? Do you like them?" he grins.

I pull a shoe out of the box and examine it in awe.

"I love them." I beam, quickly turning to my boyfriend so I can kiss his cheek. "You didn't have to do this." 

"I wanted my baby to have some sweet kicks for his first pride." Vic murmurs, resting his head on my shoulder.

"Sweet kicks? What are you–straight?" I tease.

"Now wouldn't that be a plot twist." Vic snorts. "Anyway, what did you have for me?"

I pull open the drawer on my nightstand and take out the piece of paper that I've been waiting to give to Vic for a while now.

"So little backstory, I was doing some research into Michelangelo—"

"Ah my third favourite dramatic bitch, Freddie Mercury being second, you being first." Vic interrupts making me giggle and lightly smack his arm.

"Anyway, I learned about this series of drawings he did for his lover Tommaso. And I thought it was so sweet that Michelangelo did all these drawings for the person he loved so I thought I'd do the same but since I have no originality, I just replicated one of the drawings, but drew you into it instead." I ramble blushing furiously. "It's called 'Tityus'."

I hand the picture to Vic who's grinning widely at the piece of paper, despite the fact that he can't see it. He runs his hand along it then his eyes go wide as he feels the little bumps all over it.

"Hold on. Is this braille?" he gasps, running his fingers along the top of the paper.

"Yeah, I got 'To Tommaso De' Cavalieri' one of Michelangelo's poems printed on top of it in braille because I know you can't see the actual drawing, but maybe the poem could convey the emotions to you." I blush.

"Kell, this is the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me." he whispers. "You're such a romantic sometimes, you know that?"

"You bring out that side of me." I murmur.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.

"Uh I'll describe it to you when we get back. You might want to finish reading that later and put it away." I stammer out as I stand off the bed.

"Why?" Vic frowns confused.

"Because you are extremely fucking naked in that drawing." I giggle.

"Oh shit." Vic laughs, somehow blushing even more as he opens the drawer where it came from and shoves it back in there.

I skip to the door and open it revealing my sister and her boyfriend. Sam is nearly blinding with how much rainbow she's wearing. It's in her hair, it's on her dress, her shoes, painted in little flags on her face and beautifully incorporated into her eye makeup.

Jordan on the other hand isn't even wearing a fucking shirt. He has a bi pride flag tied around his neck like a cape and pink, purple and blue running down his cheeks.

"We'll leave soon." Sam says, as her and Jordan spill into the room. "I've just got to touch up Jordan's makeup. He, like a gentleman, let me have the umbrella and his makeup got all smudged in the rain."

"And I'd do it again!" Jordan exclaims, grinning proudly to himself.

My heart stops and my head snaps to the window where I only now just notice the dark clouds in the sky and the miserable drizzle of rain.

"It's raining? In the middle of June? Oh my god, it's a sign. A fucking omen. We should just stay here." I stutter out feeling a little panicky.

"Oh shut it, Kellin. It's just a little rain. It'll clear up before the end of the day. There is no such things as signs or omens. We're going to the parade and we're going to have fun whether you like it or not." Sam grumbles, as she wipes away Jordan's smudged bi pride flags.

"Sam, the universe is literally raining on my parade!" I exclaim.

"Kiddo, remember when you first got here and your door wouldn't open and you said it was a sign? What bad ever came of it?" Sam points out.

I try to come up with something, but can't. All the events that followed me moving here have been nothing but positive. I have a boyfriend, I'm more comfortable with myself than ever and I've grown so much as a person.

"You're stressing over nothing, Little Buddy." Jordan states. "Pride is like a big family reunion. But like a good one. Everyone is welcome. Especially you. You're going to feel better once we get there, I promise."

I nod, and force a smile. I still feel anxious but I know I can trust what Jordan says. He's been like my queer mentor these past few months. Like a bisexual Mr Miyagi, or a bi Obi Wan Kenobi, that's assuming that Obi Wan isn't already bi.

I feel Vic take my hand and I look back at his worried face.

"You good?" he whispers softly.

"Yeah," I assure him before kissing his knuckles.

"I'm here, okay?" he comforts me.

"Okay." I smile, giving his hand a squeeze.

I watch Sam as she re-paints a bi flag on Jordan's cheek, then I realize something.

"Hey, where's Brandon and Conner?" I ask confused. "Weren't they supposed to be coming with us?"

Jordan immediately looks saddened.

"Conner wants to sit this one out. Brandon's keeping him company." he says, clearing his throat.

I nod in understanding.

I sympathize with Jordan, I know he only wants the best for his brother, but I understand what Conner's feeling.

"He just needs time. He only came out a month ago. I'm sure he'll come next year." I reassure Jordan.

"Yeah, you're probably right." he sighs, smiling sadly.

I take a seat and put on my brand new shoes, thinking about how I have the best boyfriend in the world the entire time. Then soon enough, Sam is finished fixing Jordan's face and we're ready to go.

I grab an umbrella for Vic and I, then we leave as a group. My nerves are intense as we walk toward the parade in the drizzling rain, but Vic's hand in mine reminds me that it's okay to be myself. 

My nerves pick up once again as we start to become a part of a crowd but they almost immediately dissipate once I take note of the people around us.

Almost every single one of them is expressing their pride in some way, whether it be through their clothing, their colors or simply the exchange of a sweet kiss with their significant other.

My eyes dart around, overwhelmed but in a good way. I try to take it all in, the sights, the sounds and the energy.

I hear music which seemingly doesn't have a source. There are people cheering as they watch the parade that I haven't even gotten around to looking at yet. I see small pop up stores set up all over the place, selling all things pride.

Maybe I'll visit one later. Maybe today will be the day I buy myself a flag.

"You're smiling!" Sam points out, nudging me.

"It's kind of amazing." I admit in awe. "Thank you for making me do this."

She ruffles my hair lovingly and turns her head so I can't see the tears in her eyes, but I know they're there. I know my sister all too well.

Jordan leads us through the crowd to a grassy area on a hill where a group of guys he seems to be friends with have already set up.

We take a seat on some beach towels and Vic wraps his arm around me, holding me close to him.

"You dudes want a drink?" One of Jordan's friends asks, holding two cans of Coke out towards Vic and I.

"Yeah, thanks." I beam, seemingly unable to stop smiling, as I take the cans from his hand.

It's then that I notice his scars. He has two surgical scars on either side of his shirtless chest.

I quickly look away trying not to stare, and instead focus on giving Vic his drink.

But I glance back at the shirtless guy. He's now enthusiastically commentating on the parade, seemingly unbothered by his exposed scars.

I bring my hand to my own scar, momentarily feeling self conscious but then I remember something that Dr Levit said.

A scar is a healed wound. A scar is a sign of a shitty past, but a better future. A scar is a good thing. It means you made it through the pain. A scar is a symbol of survival.

This scar is proof that my dad didn't change me, proof that he couldn't, no matter how hard he tried. Only when he tried to heal me, was I hurt. Only when he tried to make me pure, was I tarnished. Only when he tried to fix me, was I broken.

From here on out, this scar is a visual 'fuck you' to my dad and to any person who thinks there is something wrong me with.

My scar is a symbol of my pride.

Vic suddenly kisses my cheek, kissing my scar. It's as if he somehow knew I needed it. I smile at him, then suddenly become sad that he can't see how happy he makes me. Guess I'll just have to tell him.

"You make me so unbelievably happy." I whisper to him.

He chuckles, blushing. I love how I can still make him flustered.

"You make me happy too." he murmurs, then he leans in completely misjudging where my lips are, and kisses my eyelid instead.

I can't help but to giggle.

"I totally meant that. Just wanted to hear you laugh." Vic states, clearly not being serious, but he succeeds in making me laugh again.

"I love you." I chuckle fondly.

"I love you too." he coos sincerely. "Can you see the parade from here?"

"Yeah," I respond, not even glancing at it. I'm too fixated on my perfect partner right now.

"Describe it to me." he chirps.

I grin at him, feeling a sense of playfulness wash over me.

"Incredibly beautiful, gorgeous smile, gorgeous eyes, the sexiest arms–"

Vic cuts me off.

"I meant the parade, Kellin!" he exclaims grinning and blushing once again.

I turn to the strip of road where there are floats and people marching, drag queens and lesbians, feminine guys, masculine girls, androgynous people, elderly same-sex couples, children with same-sex parents, trans people and pan people—lots of happy, smiling faces.

I look around at the crowd, at all the smudged and running harlequin makeup, curtsey of the rain.

I look at the vibrant, flamboyant flags floating through the wind, held up by vibrant, flamboyant people.

Then I look to the sky, where the gray clouds that once seemed so dismal are now contrasted against the biggest, brightest rainbow I've seen in my entire life.

I look back to Vic, my boyfriend, and take note that in this sea of divinity, he is still my favourite masterpiece.

"Well? What's it look like?" he prompts.

I smile and take his hand, and take a another deep breath, expelling the subconscious nausea that is ignored more often than not these days.

I struggle to find the adequate words so I settle for a simplistic but effective one.

"It's beautiful."

--

This story is so near and dear to my heart and I'm overwhelmed with the response it has gotten. It means so much to me to not only read your kind words but also your own experiences with internalised homophobia. I don't think it's something that is explicitly spoken about enough despite so many of us experiencing it in varying degrees. Be conscious of it. Correct it. You can get through it.

Thank you for reading!

Remember to love yourself, because you're beautiful the way you are, even if you can't see it yet! xx

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