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I'm not sure what wakes me up until I realize there's a large pressure on top of me and I hear some giggling.

"Oh my god, I forgot you were here." Brandon snorts loudly. He sounds drunk. He smells drunk.

"Brandon, get off." I groan, pushing him off of me and onto the floor.

He shrieks with laughter which makes me cringe. The room is still dark so I look to the window to discover it is the crack of dawn.

"Brandon, shut up." Conner whines sleepily from across the room.

"But this is so exciting. I have two cute boys in my room." he laughs.

"I have class in a few hours. If you don't shut up I'm going to kick your fucking ass." Conner snaps, pulling his pillow over his head.

I look down at Brandon who's trying to suppress a fit of laughter. He grins up at me and puts his index finger to his lips in a shushing gesture.

"B, it's so early. Why are you drunk?" I whisper concerned.

"Oh shit, it's morning?" he giggles which makes me frown. He must have been drinking all night.

"You didn't drive here, did you?" I ask.

"No, my dad dropped me off. He kicked me out again." he snorts.

I climb out of bed and grab Brandon's arm, helping him to his feet. He sways a little and clings onto my waist for support.

"Get into bed." I instruct.

"Are you coming?" he flirts.

"You need to sleep." I tell him firmly.

He rolls his eyes at me but climbs into his bed. I pull the covers over him and kneel down beside him.

"Are you going to be okay?" I ask him.

"I'm fine." he groans rolling his eyes again.

"Okay," I nod. "I'm gonna go. Thanks for letting me sleep here." 

He just nods and closes his eyes.

I take that as my cue to leave so I put on my shoes and grab my things then leave his room. There are a few people walking down the halls, probably to go shower or exercise. I spot Daniel who I haven't seen since the party. Not in the mood for friendly conversation or even a gesture of acknowledgement, I put my head down and pretend not to notice him.

I'm not quite ready to go back to my dorm, I need some more time to think so I head outside and go sit under the big oak tree by the pond.

I watch the ducks swim around for a while. I remember reading a news story a couple of years ago about two gay ducks. Ben and Jerry. They were supposed to repopulate their species but showed no interest in the female ducks. The memory makes me smile.

I guess I'm feeling a lot less hysterical today than I was yesterday. But I still don't know if I can face Vic. How am I going to explain this to him? How am I going to lie my way out of this one?

Scenario after scenario runs through my head. None of them end well. He's going to hate me, that's inevitable. I consider what Dr. Levit suggested. Maybe I should tell him everything. But that almost guarantees that he wont want to be with me.

I don't want to lose him. But how am I even supposed to be with him if this keeps happening?

I think about when Vic and I sat under this tree. The absence of nausea that comes with the memories is encouraging. And also frustrating.

I can't keep doing this. I can't keep being wishy-washy with him. It would be better if I just hated myself completely or not at all. This middle stage is ridiculous and it's screwing with my head.

It's around midday when I finally decide to go sort this out. I've thought myself into a headache and the easiest way to undo that is to just tackle my problems head-on instead of avoiding them–putting my therapy into practice.

I spend the whole walk back to my dorm taking some deep breaths so I don't just freak out and bail on this whole thing.

Although, when I finally get to my dorm I'm confused to find the door open. I walk in and find Vic talking to his brother who is holding a box. I look around the room and notice most of Vic's things have been packed up.

A lump rises in my throat.

"What's, what's going on?" I stammer out.

Mike looks back at me. He looks pretty pissed off. Vic doesn't even acknowledge me. He picks up another small taped up box and stacks it on top of the box in Mike's arms.

"Can you give us a minute?" Vic murmurs softly.

"Yeah sure. I think we've pretty much gotten everything anyway. I'll meet you at home, yeah?" Mike responds and Vic nods.

Then Mike turns to leave but as he walks past me, he makes sure to bump into my shoulder.

My stomach clenches. Well I guess he hates me.

"A-are you leaving?" I whisper, looking back at Vic who has his head down and his arms crossed defensively.

"Yep." he answers bluntly.

I turn and close the door so we can have some privacy.

"Please don't. I don't want you to go." I plead stepping towards him.

"I don't think you know what you want." he mutters.

"I do. I want you." I stress.

He lifts his head and I see just how angry he looks. I'm almost relieved that he's wearing his sunglasses so I can't see the pain behind them.

I'm reminded of the first two days after meeting him when he was hurting but put up this tough exterior. I can see through the anger. He's hurting.

"Stop lying to me. And stop lying to yourself." he snaps.

His words echo off the empty walls. This room feels bigger without his things, and yet somehow the walls feel like they're closing in on me. I fall silent not wanting to make things worse with my stupid mouth.

"Do you know what I want, Kellin? I want someone who isn't embarrassed to be with me. You really had me thinking you were different for a while." he spits, crushing my heart.

I don't want Vic to hate me, but the last thing I want is for Vic to blame himself for my mistakes.

"Vic, I'm not embarrassed of you. I think you're perfect." I push, placing my hand on his forearm but he's quick to shrug me off.

"Do you think I'm stupid? You think I don't notice that you won't hold my hand or kiss me in public? It doesn't take a genius to know that you don't want to be seen with me." he hisses. "I thought I'd give you the benefit of the doubt, maybe you'd come around, get used to the idea that you're dating someone with a disability, but you're clearly just as ashamed of me as my parents are."

"Vic, it's not like that. That has nothing to do with you." I urge.

"No, it's all about you, isn't it?" he says sarcastically. "I should have listened to Brandon. He was right. You just fuck people and leave. How is he by the way?"

"What?" I squeak confused.

"How is Brandon doing? You were with him last night, weren't you? The whole building is talking about it."

Fuck this gossipy school.

"He wasn't even here last night! I just slept in his dorm." I explain desperately.

"I can't believe a word you say right now." he mutters.

I can tell that I'm fighting a losing battle. He's not listening to me.

"Whatever happened to trusting me?" I huff flailing my arms in frustration.

"You want to talk about trust? I trust that when I give my virginity to a guy that he's there when I wake up the next morning! Or at least answers my calls!" he yells.

I watch a tear fall from under his glasses but he's quick to wipe it away.

I hate that I've hurt him. And it's something I can't undo. I don't know how to fix this.

"Vic, I'm sorry." I apologise with as much sincerity as I can muster up.

"You don't even have an excuse this time? I'm shocked." Vic laughs condescendingly.

"Vic, I..." I want to tell him everything. I want him to understand. But I can't even get the words out. He's so angry, I'd doubt he'd care anyway.

"Save it." he mutters when he realizes I'm not going to continue. He pushes past me shaking his head in pure disappointment.

I latch onto his hand as one last attempt to get him to stay.

"Careful, you don't want anyone to think you're dating the blind guy or anything." he hisses, pulling his hand from mine.

I want to cry. He goes to leave but he stops and turns back to me.

"Did you make me fall for you just so you could break my heart?" he asks softly, his voice cracking.

I feel what's left of me crumble at his admittance of love.

"I never meant to hurt you." I croak, tears finally falling down my cheeks.

"But you did."

After that he leaves, closing the door behind him, leaving me alone in these god forsaken walls.

I go sit down on my bed, unsure if my legs will hold me for much longer. I look to what used to be Vic's side of the room.

I've never seen it so empty. I've never felt so empty. I look to the wall where his flag used to hang. The room feels bleak without it. Or maybe the room just feels bleak without Vic.

I wrap my arms around myself as I'm engulfed by a different kind shame. My cheeks feel feverish, my stomach tornadoes and I'm overcome with a sickness like never before.

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