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Jordan, Sam and I spend hours literally just talking about boys until I realize it's dark and think I should probably get back to my dorm.

Sam offers to walk me across campus, and I'm desperate to get her alone so I can ask her something that's been on my mind all night, so I agree.

As we walk through the garden, I think now is a perfect time.

"So are you and Jordan dating or what?" I ask, grinning at her.

She blushes and shrugs.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask.

She sighs and wraps her arm around my shoulder.

"He's sweet, and he's a lot of fun, and I really like him. But I have bigger things to worry about." she smiles sadly.

"Like what?" I ask confused.

"Just school, work, you." she murmurs, not looking at me.

I immediately feel guilty. I'm forever burdening her. I don't want her to feel like she can't date because she has to look after me.

"Sammy, you've been looking after me since I was fourteen, and that entire time you've never done anything for yourself. I want you to be happy. I think you should go for it." I explain.

"I don't know, Kells." she shrugs.

"Please. I think he's really nice." I urge.

She smiles and nods, seemingly giving in.

"Okay. You're right. I do really like him." she says.

"Good." I chirp. "I may be your little brother but if he hurts you, I'm still going to kick his butt."

"Woah there tiger. I think I'm more than capable of kicking butt myself. But I appreciate the sentiment. Thanks little bro." she smiles.

We soon arrive in front of my dorm and Sam pulls me into her arms.

"Ugh I'm so proud of you." she sighs and I chuckle.

"You already said that, like a thousand times." I tell her.

"Because I mean it." she whines. "Okay, you go snuggle your boyfriend and I'm going to go make this loser mine."

"Let me know how it goes." I urge.

"Of course." she grins, then she let's go of me and gives me a wave as she leaves.

I take a breath and turn to my door but suddenly realise I do not have my card. I cringe as I bring my knuckles to the door.

It's barely a second before Vic answers.

"Hey," I whisper, looking down feeling a little intimidated by his presence. I don't know what I'm going to tell him. How am I going to lie my way out of this one?

"Hey," he says softly.

He doesn't seem mad like I assumed he would be which relieves me.

"Did I wake you?" I ask worried.

"No, I was literally just about to go to bed though." he explains.

I look back up at him and find myself admiring just how simply gorgeous he is. I feel so much better about my attraction towards him after my talk with Jordan.

"Can I join you?" I ask.

"Uh," Vic frowns.

"To sleep," I add, blushing, worried that I gave the wrong impression. "And cuddle."

"Oh, of course, okay." he stammers, blushing furiously.

Wow, he is cute.

He moves out of the door way and I finally enter the room, closing the door behind me.

The room is pitch black but Vic seems to know what he's doing as he takes my hand and leads me over to his bed.

He climbs in and I kick my shoes off before sliding in next to him, pulling the covers over us as I do so.

We settle into the bed, facing each other and I notice as my eyes adjust to the dimness that Vic still has his glasses on. I want to tell him to take them off but something tells me they make him feel more comfortable.

"I'm sorry about running away earlier." I whisper, feeling a little embarrassed by my impulsive behavior.

"Is everything okay? I didn't make you feel uncomfortable, did I?" he frowns.

"No, no," I sigh. Technically that's a lie. But it's not his fault. "I was just suddenly feeling nauseous and needed air."

"You were gone all evening. That's a lot of air." Vic points out.

"I also went to see Sam and got distracted, I'm sorry." I apologize again.

"It's okay. Are you feeling better?" he asks sweetly.

"I am." I nod.

A silence then falls over us and I sense a tension developing between us.

Vic soon rolls onto his back and sighs, sounding a little frustrated.

"I need to tell you something." he mumbles. "I'm sure it's very obvious but incase it isn't, you should know."

His words make me anxious as a billion possibilities race through my mind.

"What is it?" I ask, hearing the nerves in my own voice.

I become even more nervous when I notice Vic looks worried.

"I am," he begins slowly then he lets out a little breath. "a virgin."

His words confuse me.

"You're kidding, right?" I ask wondering if he's joking. He doesn't sound like he's joking.

He shakes his head then looks towards the wall.

"I know, I'm twenty-one and still a virgin. It's pathetic." he mumbles, still not looking at me.

That's when I realize that he's genuinely embarrassed by this.

"Oh no, babe. Your age has nothing to do with it. It's really not that uncommon." I explain. "I'm just confused because,"

I pause as he turns back at me, looking rather frustrated.

"Because what?" he mumbles.

I grin as I lean forward and kiss his lips.

"Because you're so hot." I murmur and he chuckles.

"No, seriously." he grins, nudging me.

"I'm being one hundred percent serious. Surely guys just throw themselves at you."

He shakes his head and sighs, his smile seeming a little sad.

"I'm blind, Kells."

"Wouldn't stop me." I shrug, blushing a little.

"Oh really?" he purrs, bringing his hand to my cheek.

He finds my lip with his thumb and kisses me softly. I feel his shades bump the bridge of my nose so I pull back.

"Take these off." I request softly, running my finger along the frame.

He looks unsure but slides his glasses off anyway.

He keeps his eyes closed and I want to let him know that it's okay to open them but I don't want to push his boundaries, especially with how patient he's been with mine.

He clears his throat and rolls onto his back again.

"So," he begins. "when did you lose your virginity?"

I'm not expecting the question so I'm a little overwhelmed. I'm unsure if I should lie or not. But then I remember that Vic was just so vulnerable with me so I owe it to him to at least be a little truthful.

"When I was fifteen." I admit.

"Oh," Vic says surprised. "Who with?"

The question makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to lie to him but I also don't want to tell him the truth. So I decide on telling him half the truth.

"My best friend at the time, Alex." I whisper.

"Oh, was he cute?" Vic teases.

I feel sick. She was conventionally cute, but that still didn't make me attracted to her.

I shrug off Vic's question, once again forgetting that whatever bodily gesture I make is useless to him.

"You've fooled around with guys though, right?" I ask, desperately steering the conversation away from me.

"No," he chuckles. "You were my first kiss, remember?"

"Right." I gasp in realisation.

Brandon was a virgin when I dated him, but even he had fooled around with guys and had boyfriends.

"And I'm your first boyfriend?" I ask to clarify.

"Yep." Vic nods.

"Wow, a lot of firsts." I breathe, suddenly feeling a lot of pressure. I've never been someone's first boyfriend before and now I'm worried that I'm fucking it up.

"Hopefully there will be more firsts." Vic murmurs softly.

I just hum, ending the conversation. I don't want to think about sex. I'm nowhere near ready for that. Today was a clear indicator of that.

"Vic," I mumble, as I remember something.

He hums in response as I cuddle up to his chest, enjoying the feeling of his muscular arms wrapped around me and the smell of his deodorant that never seems to disappear.

"Famous gays is your forte, right?"

"Sure is," he chuckles.

"Can you tell me about, like, famous gay couples? I don't really know any." I request.

He looks mildly puzzled for a second before he just smiles.

"Sure," he chirps before he begins going on a tangent about Freddie Mercury and Jim Hutton.

I listen eagerly as he tells me about their seven year long relationship before Freddie's untimely death.

Then he moves onto Elton John and David Furnish. He tells me about their relationship that has been going on since 1993 and the two children they have together and their eventual marriage.

It all seems so heterosexual, and yet, so not.

My dad made it really clear that I would never find real love, I would never be able to get married and have kids. I would never be able to grow old with a man.

But here Vic is, unintentionally proving him wrong.

"Would you ever get married and have kids?" I ask Vic, interrupting him.

"I would like to." he smiles after a brief pause. "Marriage, definitely. Kids, I'd have to think about because of my disability. But I've always pictured myself being a dad one day."

I think about what my dad used to say about gays corrupting kid's minds.

"Would you tell your kids that you're gay?" I ask Vic.

He chuckles seeming confused.

"Uh, think it would be a difficult thing to hide, seeing as they will have two dads." he says jokingly. "What's with all the questions?"

"Oh, nothing. It's nothing." I quickly brush off.

"Do you want kids?" Vic asks me seeming curious.

The question makes me a little dizzy. I always pictured myself starting a family with a woman. Clearly that is not going to be the case. Would I want to have kids with a man?

"I don't know." I frown.

"That's okay. You're only nineteen, you don't need to know yet." Vic explains, kissing the top of my head.

I enjoy the simple gesture, probably more than I should, and take a deep breath, ridding myself of complicated thoughts.

I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket so I take it out and see I have a message from Sam.

I unlock it to find a picture of her kissing Jordan's cheek, with the caption 'Meet Jordan, my boyfriend'. They look so cute together and I'm so glad she's found someone to make her happy.

I put my phone to the side, thinking I'll text her tomorrow, then I kiss Vic's lips and cuddle up to him more.

We fall into silence, as I think we quietly and collectively decide to get some sleep. But there's this warmth in my heart from just being here in Vic's arms, and after my internal struggle earlier, I feel like I need to share.

"You make me happy." I tell Vic softly.

There's a brief, but noticible, pause before his response.

"Wow," he breathes, sounding surprised.

"What?" I mumble.

"I think that's the first time I've heard you just openly express your feelings like that." he explains, which hurts me. I don't think he intended it to be hurtful, I don't even think it's his fault that it's hurtful, but his words genuinely cause me pain.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, a flush of tears unexpectedly emerging in my eyes.

"No, don't be sorry! It's great." Vic assures me.

"No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I'm so..."

Closed off? Cold? Difficult? Dishonest? Mysterious? Me?

I have all these words but none of them will come out. Not one.

"So what?" Vic frowns.

"Nevermind." I smile weakly, rolling over in his arms so I'm facing away from him.

"You don't have to be sorry about anything, Kell. I really like you. I think you're great." he says warmly, hooking his leg over mine and pulling me closer.

I want to tell him I really like him too, but I can't even say that. Even that is too much for me. This really is all too much. 

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