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Chapter 8 – Awkward Turtle

Life is awkward; it is messy, and dirty. I knew that my life would be filled with insecure and unsure moments when my teacher called me up to her desk. I wrote a piece of poetry about the Donner party. Yeah, I thought it would be cute. It turns out talking about cannibalism with your teacher isn't a comfortable discussion ground.

***

Colby stumbled out of her room and into the bathroom. She had the biggest hangover imaginable. Last night, she went over board and did all the bad things that good girls shouldn't do. Heck, Colby was getting desperate for love now. She watched her roommates swim with guys while she baked pies at home. The brunette didn't want to admit it, but as she looked at her reflection she was the one slouching in the sex department. Colby didn't remember much of last night, just that she went to a bar and got slam-dunk-drunk with tequila.

The girl walked back to her bedroom door and cracked it open. She then spotted a man sliding on his pants and shut the door before he looked up. A smile grew on Colby's lips, her luck was finally changing.

"Someone looks like a train wreck today," Gwen stated coming out of her room and clipping on earrings. "Why are you smiling? It is a Monday, a Monday, no one smiles on Mondays."

"Who is smiling on a Monday," Ben said scratching his head and walking from his room to the kitchen.

"Guess who got laid last night," Colby smirked with a brilliant smile.

"Oh you're joking," Gwen stopped and her mouth dropped into a look of shock. "You got laid on a Sunday, a Sunday, are you serious?" Gwen chortled and followed Ben into the kitchen.

"Sundays are days of rest you know," Ben started the coffee and leaned against the counter. He raised an eyebrow at Colby.

"Question," Gwen began sitting in one of the plastic chairs. "Peter knows your just dating right?"

"Yes," Ben nodded smiling at his truthfulness. He had been completely honest with Peter.

"Does Seth know?" Gwen continued.

Ben paused and his eyes widened. His mind wanted to come up with the perfect excuse why he hasn't told Seth. The man knew there was one. "No, but…"

"Ben you licked whipped cream of that guy's nipple. I think he deserves to know that…" Gwen twisted and looked at the man in Colby's doorway. She didn't smile but gave him a blank stare.

Ben slid off the counter and saw a familiar face. "Oh hello…Barkley," Ben's voice turned into a shrill nervous tone.

"Barkley, that is your name." Colby said figuring out the name of her lover. "You know Ben I see,"

"Yes, I do know Ben," Barkley nodded a silent awkwardness filling the room.

"Yeah, Barkley is…" Ben twitched, "my boss."

Barkley came across as uncomfortable and left the flat saying a quick goodbye and giving a polite nod towards Gwen. Ben turned to Colby his eyes wide and Gwen burst out in laughter.

***

Ben anticipated arriving at work and was nervous about seeing his boss there. It only made matters worse that Colby took the Tube with him to find out all she could about this mysterious man.

"Wow, so he is just so dreamy isn't he? How is he normally? Nice, mean? Is he a flirt?" Colby asked as she leaned up against a pole.

The black windows showed Ben's reflection and he wanted to try and at least appear happier. Ben noticed his mouth curved down more than he wanted.

"To be honest, I don't really know. I mean, I talk to him here and there. He is really professional," Ben informed. He felt like he was telling Colby the same thing just rephrasing it.

"Professional huh," Colby repeated certifying the statement. The Tube jerked to a stop, which was normal, and the doors slid open. "Oh look there is Seth,"

Ben perked up at the name and turned to watch a large crowd bustle into the train car. Then he spotted a light red haired man who pushed up against Seth and gave him a kiss.

At first, Ben wanted to believe it was an accident. A stranger bumped into Seth and their lips magically found each other. When Ben's "perfect guy" returned the kiss Ben couldn't help but feel like he had been the end of a practical joke. The thoughts of Seth's perfect body, good boy charm, and amazing cooking/sex skills floated around Ben's head. It was too good to be true.

"What the hell," Colby shouted. Her anger diminished in a second and she just stared at Ben. "But you are just dating right? I mean…Peter."

"I know, I just…" Ben didn't tell Seth yet. He assumed that Seth being Mr. Perfect wouldn't be with other guys.

"Well, let's go introduce ourselves. " Colby pushed Ben forward as the Tube started again. When Colby pushed him he stepped on a particularly snooty woman's foot.

Seth noticed Ben coming and his face dropped into a look of shear terror. His tan skin became a shade whiter; it didn't look like his companion noticed.

"Hey, Seth, remember me Colby," Colby held out her hand and then stepped aside so Ben stood in front of Seth.

"Hi," Ben whispered trying to hide the hurt in his voice.

"Hey," Seth replied his voice an octane softer than usual, less confident. Seth had his hand in the cookie jar and was caught.

"Oh, who are these two? Are you two British, I just love British people. They are so funny," A high pitched obviously American voice greeted.

"No, they are all American," Seth told his red-haired friend. "This is my friend Ben and his roommate Colby. Ben, Colby, this is my boyfriend Jeremy Glover. He is visiting."

Ben recognized the name. It took him a few moments of silence to connect it back to the story Seth told him over their French Onion soup that one night. Jeremy was Seth's first kiss. Ben antagonized over the fact that Seth called Jeremy his boyfriend too.

"Oh boyfriend," Ben said as the screeching of the train filled the car.

"Yeah, since sophomore year in high school, I was looking at Seth before that though." Jeremy announced as if they were engaged.

Ben looked at the red haired Devil who stood so close to his angel. He grinded his teeth as the train squeaked to a halt. Ben turned to step off even though it wasn't his stop. He would walk the rest of the way to work.

"Ben, I'm so sorry," Seth apologized as Ben began to leave.

"You know what, don't be." Ben spoke fast so as not to let sadness slip through his teeth. Colby followed him out of the train and the door slid shut.

"Why are you sorry sweets?" Jeremy asked turning to his boyfriend confused at the exchange of emotions.

"I messed up his jacket," Seth said the first thing that came to his mind.

***

"Ben, you need to calm down," Colby more ordered than suggested, dashing after Ben as he exited the station. A drizzle began to wet the ground making it a shade darker and splashing on the windshields of cars.

"I'm calm," Ben said his voice a monotone, emotionless.

"Okay, I know that stinks and sucks, but you were doing the same thing to Peter. Not that that makes what he did right, but you were going to tell him anyway?" Colby tried to explain. A cab honked in the distance and the crosswalk light changed to a walking man.

Ben crossed the street not replying to Colby's words as she followed. Once they reached the other side he spoke.

"Did you see him? Did you look at him; he is a flippin' super model and red hair? How can I compete with red hair?" Ben said his voice shook and he threw his hands to his sides.

"Ben…I feel like, you are avoiding the topic. You know what call work and tell them you are going to be late, let's go get a cup of coffee." Colby offered.

"No, no, I need to…go to work now," Ben tried to hide his tears even though the drizzle did that for him. "I mean," Ben skipped to another topic completely. His mind was racing, how could he hurt this much. "I mean," Ben sniffled. "It's to be expected right, the perfect guy wouldn't want anything less than."

***

"Ben, please, you are in no condition too…" Colby said but watched Ben disappear through the crowds.

Ben walked straight into the building on autopilot. He felt horrible, Seth, the guy he gave his body to. The guy who was too good to be true was just that, too good to be true. Ben entered the editing room to see Peter already at work.

Peter turned to his co-worker and smiled. "Hey Ben," He said in a cheery voice. Peter's face turned more solemn when it connected with Ben's. "Are you alright? You seem a bit shaken?"

Ben gave off a smile which was filled with sorrow and dread as he approached Peter hurrying to the man's side. He leaned forward and kissed the blond placing his two hands on his partner's chest.

"Ben, is something wrong?" Peter asked once their lips parted.

"Not at all," Ben replied kissing Peter's neck quickly. He wanted to feel someone; he wanted someone to feel him back. "Do you love me?"

"…yes, Ben?" Peter said.

Ben slid his hands down Peter's chest to his belt buckle. He undid the belt and slid it out. His hands worked quickly to unbutton Peter's pants and slid them down to his knees. White briefs seemed to glow in the darkness of the room.

"Ben, what are you doing man," Peter wailed.

"Don't you want to?" Ben moved his hands along Peter's thighs and already noticed a bulge take form. Ben put his head to Peter's stomach and felt the bulge grow bigger pressed against his chest.

"Ben, we are at work and…" Peter wanted to find an excuse. Peter wasn't going to let his dick take over and give into seduction.

"Love me, okay, that's all I want Peter," Ben said his eyes staring up at the blond who looked down at him confused. "That's all I want Peter," Ben felt hot tears pour down his cheeks. "That's all,"

Peter knelt down on the floor next to Ben and hugged him. Ben tried to kiss Peter but Peter held him tight. "No, this is definitely not the time."

Ben let it out, the emotion, the cruel act of Karma and his feeling of neglect. He cried on Peter's shoulder and Peter only moved once to pull his pants back up. They sat on the floor of the editing room.

"Done," Ben said breaking the hug and looking at Peter. "Thank you, thanks for not…taking advantage. That was really decent of you."

"Nah, I wouldn't want it unless I knew it was real. Ben, if you are so emotional about this, maybe you should see someone, a doctor." Peter suggested.

"No, I just, I had kind of a stress attack and, I'm fine, really." Ben replied wiping the dry tears from his eyes.

"Really, really?" Peter stood up and held his hand out for Ben.

Ben looked up at his co-worker and smiled taking his hand. "Yeah, really, I just haven't had a good cry in a long time."

"Me neither," Peter whispered and turned back to the editing that needed to be finished.

***

Ben exited the editing room. His day was almost over and the man wanted to duck out a little early. The brunette, whose hair now covered his ears, walked past the receptionist towards the elevator. Ben felt his hand touch the cold plastic button and cringed when he heard his name.

"Benny boy," Barkley shouted in an oh-so-macho way.

Crap, Ben was in no emotional state to have a man-to-man talk. He was in no physical state when Barkley slapped him on the back. Ben stumbled forward and gave off the obligatory smile.

"Benny," Barkley said nodding. "May I see you in my office?" He pushed his lower lip up into a thoughtful position.

"Course," Ben replied knowing what was coming.

Sure enough, as the door clicked shut, Barkley opened his mouth and uttered the name Colby.

"Did she talk about me? After I left, I was high-quality right?" Barkley nodded.

"I wouldn't know, we don't talk about our sex lives." Ben nodded, it was blatant lie but his boss wouldn't know that.

"Okay, let's compare, has she shagged you ever?" Barkley asked his brow furrowed leaning forward anticipating an answer.

Ben's mouth dropped, he couldn't believe what his boss said. In a way he was proud how straight he has been acting or how ignorant his boss was.

"No, Colby and I are friends, nothing more." Ben informed. He wanted to burst out in laughter for the first time today.

"No benefits then, phew boy you are missing out. She shags like no other." Barkley slid his hands into his pant pockets and shook his head. "One more thing, can I have Colby's mobile. I would like to take her on a date."

"All right, sure," Ben wrote down on a post-it Colby's cell and handed it over to Barkley.

"Thanks mate," Barkley took the piece of paper and slid it in his pant pocket.

Ben left his boss's office. Great, he was his boss's mate. Soon they would be grabbing pints and looking at girls.

***

Ben didn't know why he was here. He hated the fact that he was. Ben didn't want to be the psycho ex who did crazy things. His body brought him here and urged him to seek answers. Seth's townhouse stood tall in front of him. Ben walked up the steps and rang the doorbell. He wanted to talk, get everything figured out, and just finish whatever this thing they had was.

The door swung open and the fiery faux hawked red head Jeremy Glover stood there. He wore a flamboyant tight yellow shirt and had a bright smile on his face.

"Hey you," Jeremy dropped his mouth open. He had that stereotypical high-pitched voice. Ben had trouble looking past his tight shirt which clung to an amazingly toned body. "Ben, right?" Jeremy questioned.

"Yeah," Ben replied looking at Jeremy. He knew it; Jeremy was the hot guy; the water polo player in high school; and just the prep.

"Seth is actually, cooking right now, do you want to talk to him." Jeremy offered.

"No, I want to talk to you, because well, I am Seth's boyfriend." Ben blurted out he wasn't sure where he was going exactly with this. "Or I was, and then you came."

Jeremy's eyes showed small traces of panic but the man was good at concealing it.

"I get it now: Seth, the guy with the great body and Jeremy, the guy with the great body. You two are just perfect for each other, both supermodels, superficial, and shallow. Too bad I don't have a six-pack then I can be part of the popular group, right? Guys like you have it so easy." Ben vented at a man he didn't know. He looked as Seth came to the doorway.

"Is, everything okay?" Seth asked looking from Jeremy to Ben.

"Yeah, it is now," Ben stated glaring at Jeremy. He hated the red-head for one simple reason, Jeremy took his man. Ben turned and walked down the steps onto the sidewalk.

"No," Jeremy shouted and ran down to face Ben, who turned around. "It's not fine; you don't get to judge me. You don't get to say I was popular in high school. In case you can't tell I can't hide my gayness as easy as you. I can't slide under the radar. I was the school fag and maybe you don't know the ridicule that goes with that but I'm not going to lower myself to assuming." Jeremy turned and pushed past Seth inside the house.

Seth looked down at Ben and wanted to say something but frowned and shut the door.

***

Colby glanced up as Ben entered. She had cooked a gigantic meal for them. The flat smelled of chicken. "I thought tonight, we could have a kind of a family dinner." Colby admitted.

"Yeah, talk about this whole Seth cheating on you and you cheating on Seth thing." Gwen stated and noticed Ben's confused look. "Colby told me about what happened on the train this morning."

"Oh," Ben sat down he didn't want to talk about what happened. He knew that he needed to though. Ben couldn't keep feelings bottled up inside. "I went to Seth's house today."

Colby paused as she placed a basket of dinner rolls on the table. "What? That's…that's crazy."

"I know," Ben admitted.

"No it's not. If I found out a guy was cheating on me I would go to his house. I've done worse." Gwen nodded. She noticed Colby went back to cutting some roast chicken. "Continue," She motioned her head towards Ben.

"I argued with Jeremy," Ben stated.

"Oh the whore who stole your guy," Gwen muttered as she took a roll and buttered it.

"Yeah, on the train he seemed really flamey and shallow. He came off like a Regina George." Colby placed the cut chicken on the table and sat down in a squeaky plastic chair.

"Did he slap you? If that queen touched a hair on your head I will go beat him up for you." Gwen offered looking ready for a brawl.

"Actually, he wasn't what I expected at all. Once I saw past that perfect body…he was kind of like me." Ben nodded. "Just trying to fit in."

***

Looking back to that wonderful Hannibal Lector portrait of the Donner party I think to myself how wonderfully awkward life is. Then I wonder, if it is life that is the culprit of all this strange emotion or some other outside force. Maybe, the only reason anyone thinks anything is awkward is because of their selves. I know that's how it is for me, when I enter a room they call me Mr. Awkward Turtle.

***

(((AUTHOR ANALYSIS)))

Okay, well, remember way back when, when Ben bought his new jacket, he also met Seth in that chapter. Just note that Seth's excuse to Jeremy is that he messed up Ben's Jacket and that's why Ben's mad. That's all I am going to say about that.

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